to wonder how other ugly people come to terms with being genuinely unattractive?

[MingingInTheRain]

Objectively speaking, I'm ugly. This isn't a matter of low confidence, it's just fact.

I've got a minor oral defect that means my jaw is out of line giving me a serious double chin despite being fairly slim, and my teeth are wonky as fuck (like really really wonky with a massive overbite, this probably could have been rectified to some degree when I was a child but my parents don't believe in dentists and now it's too late for me to get NHS orthodontics). My nose is huge, which on top of the jaw/teeth issues makes my face look fairly misshapen. Plus I'm very shortsighted so wear mega thick glasses (can't afford slim lenses!).

My figure is ok (starting to wobble a bit with age but it's not terrible), but my fanjo area is not a pretty sight after a traumatic birth - it functions ok so not a massive deal, I know it could be a lot worse, but it doesn't help with the whole package.

My oral defect also means I can't snog or give a decent blow job, so basically I'm fucked

And as I approach 40, and the father of my DC has left me for someone younger and prettier, it just gets me down. For years I've made myself stand out in an unconventional way (piercings, unconventional hair and clothing etc) but as I get older I just feel like that's getting to look really jarring on someone pushing 40. I don't have the benefits of youth or a perfect figure anymore which were basically my only decent points lookswise!

I always thought it didn't matter because I had found someone who would love me forever anyway but clearly that was a delusion, and I can't see anyone else ever being interested now

I haven't been able to read the whole thread.

Very quickly we see the person, not their surface. At least, decent people do.

Roman Atkinson is an excellent example. As Mr Bean or Blackadder, he's truly unattractive. As himself,., phwoar! Ditto Hugh Laurie.

Just relax and let your personality out.

Off at a tangent, but I don’t think bradley Cooper left Irina Shayk because of Lady Gaga...

I think her contact was up.

*contract sorry

ScrimshawTheSecond really interesting perspective.

The treatment for an overbite (depending on how severe) involves the oral maxillary surgeon breaking the jaw on both sides at an angle, then sliding the jaw forward.

Go for a second opinion OP if it involves eating and breathing

Very few people are stunning. Even fewer who are naturally so. Average, meaning most common, is nice, bland, easy. Very few people are ugly, it's such an ugly word. I would save it for people who have a dire or mean spirit.

Blow jobs ain’t all about sucking. A bit of licking goes a long way.

Anyway I digress.

Beauty isn’t skin deep it’s who you are inside I’m not what most people would call handsome but I am kind and try to be the best person I can be..

Be at peace with yourself love yourself and others will love you.

Oh and work on the licking

I've never been much of a looker. Got worse as I've got older but then you become invisible past a certain age so it doesn't bother me much these days. I quite like being invisible.

I've been thinking a bit lately about how much worse ageing is for attractive people as they have so much more to lose. Just look at the state of celeb women that can't cope with their ageing and how awful some of them are starting to look with all the surgery etc.

If you are not much to look at in first place then you don't need to worry so much as you get older.

I'm very shortsighted so wear mega thick glasses (can't afford slim lenses!).

Asda opticians thin the lenses for free. DS has a prescription of 7.5 and his lenses look great.

Ok so two MAJOR (and intertwined) things have made you reassess yourself / your looks:

1. Your DP/DH leaving you for someone younger / prettier
2. You are getting older and questioning whether your current look is still working for you.

Thing 1 is bloody awful - no matter how ugly or attractive a person is, if their partner leaves them for someone else it will make them feel like shit. I have no useful advice other than to try and recognise that this isn't about your looks or being ugly, you looked the same before and your DP or DH fell in love with you. Long term relationships are hard. Some people are horrible and take an easy route out of them. It is hard and horrible to break up and it'll make you look critically at every part of yourself, but it's the combination of two people together, the relationship dynamics, that cause a break up, not looks. And breaking up doesn't mean you won't find someone else. Let yourself mourn the relationship and then build a life of fun for yourself with friends and family - when you least expect it hopefully you'll meet someone else.

Thing 2 is also awful (and made worse by thing 1). Lots of women go through a difficult few years trying to work out how to adjust their style to their older age. I'm 47 and I'm still trying to work this out. Google blogs on fashion / older women and see if you can find some looks that appeal. I think when I first googled I found so many different looks, from conventional to really bold, colourful and out there and they might help you think about which look to go for as you get older. I don't think you need to be tame / boringly dressed as you get older.

Good luck OP.

Also re 'ugly' - I accept that there are beauty norms - but personally I don't think that any face is 'ugly'. I'd always think someone is 'not conventionally attractive' or looks 'interesting'

Who says we have to dress “conventionally” after 40? Different looks are great at any age!

No one is saying you have to dress conventionally after 40. You should dress however makes you feel great. OP has said she doesn’t feel it will look right for her.

If it affects your eating and breathing and means you can’t kiss etc this is way beyond a cosmetic issue and I am pretty sure you should be eligible for NHS treatment.

I have just had a brace OP, it was £2000 and I was luckily able to pay £100 a month towards it.

I do need jaw surgery, but Im too scared.

I cant breath through my nose.

I used to dress differently so eople would look at my clothes and not my face, but it just made me stand out more.

Now I wear 3 colours at the most, keep my nails and hair neat & I suppose I blend in.

I think you should pursue asking for help for at least one of your problems (teeth/nose/jaw) as that could make a massive difference to you. When you think of the little tweaks celebrities seem to have surely you would be eligible for surgery of some sort.

I know someone who had their jaw broken for a severe overbite and it didn’t solve it completely but it did look a lot better and was worth it overall.

Get a second opinion on whether you would be eligible for treatment. As others have said, make sure you say that it interferes with everyday life - eg. you can't bite into an apple - and that you find it difficult to breathe.

The DP leaving you for a younger woman is awful. Unfortunately that happens to lots of women - see the relationships board for example. I've know it happen to some really stunning women. There are all kinds of reasons why this happens and a lot of it has to do with the character of the man himself. My ex waltzed off into the sunset saying he wanted someone younger and prettier. He still hasn't found someone 8 months on and has recently been making a play to get me back - he can fuck off.

I think I am ugly so him saying he wanted someone younger and prettier was just awful. I really do struggle with my self-image and can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I don't have an oral defect like you describe but I am just somehow all a bit wonky and all the wrong shape to be in anyway pretty.
What has helped recently is getting some new clothes - totally different to what I have worn before and changing my hair colour. Also thinking "fuck you world" - I am what I am and that's the end of it. If others want to judge me for my looks then that's their choice. People who get to know me say that I have a wicked sense of humour etc.
I bet you have lots of people who think you are fabulous - you come across really well in your OP!

BTW, do you still like your piercings and unconventional clothes? If you do, keep wearing them!

I've been called ugly by strangers (men, always men, and always laughing at me whilst they say it) and have come to terms with the fact I am. It's not about "confidence" or the right clothes or make up etc - I'm ugly. But my kids love me despite this, and tbh I've come to really appreciate their innocent love.

Well if something was really bothering me I would save up and get it fixed myself.

Sorry you feel like you are less, you are equal to every other human on this earth. I just wanted you to know that.

Most people as a pp said are just normal and some are outside of that norm. A few traditionally unattractive and a few very beautiful. Dh is deffo more attractive than me and dd takes after him looks wise. She’s corrected some of my less appealing features shall we say.

One of dds friends is probably at the lower end of the norm but she is such a beautiful person. She radiates love, has great comic timing and can hold a room. She is only 10 and she’s worth 10 of any superficial, hollow, outstanding beauty. I really really hope she’s glad she’s her, because she should be.

You just need to find your unique selling point(s) and the reason why you’re so special too. The only way you’re going to do that is to stop hiding behind the exterior you’ve created.

I agree with a lot of the comments about pressing for corrective surgery on health grounds and mental health - as in your mental health is deteriorating because you can’t breathe and so on.

As for your comments about attractiveness, modern makeup techniques can hide a multitude of imperfections. Google extreme makeup transformations to see the sort of changes, which make people look stunning.

No one is ugly, unless they are ugly in who they are

IMO, and I think Roald Dahl's too, or someone.

OP - start with some self love. Fuck what you look like, it honestly doesn't matter. Do some exercise, take some fresh air, drink the water, get the sleep, rethink the quirks if they don't serve you, or keep the if they do - trust your instincts.

One of my exes was not good looking at all yet he is the one that I still think "what if". He was confident and that was the attractive thing about him. He was the one to dump me.

I think people can look amazing without being conventionally attractive. People have a spark about them that ignites interest (at least that’s how I view it)

I think being left by someone makes the most beautiful person in the world feel ugly. It’s a crap situation. I wish you all the best OP you sound like a lovely person and personality makes us beautiful

Hi hun what job do you do from home if you don’t mind me asking? I suffer with anxiety and would love to work from home

OP if it helps - my DH has left me for a less attractive woman. She's even several years older than me

And I agree with one of the first posts that you are a great and funny writer - that alone makes you more attractive than a lot of people. Getting yourself out there is where you will meet someone - eg single parent holidays? (there's a group on facebook which has loads of really cheap UK holidays eg camping etc) DC give you a good reason to get to know people, use them as your dating tool. And keep in mind what you would tell your DC about looks mattering less than skills/talent/hard work etc

But please do get a second (and third) opinion on the NHS dental/jaw treatment. My nephew has had work done and his issues sound way less severe than yours.

Also note PP about ASDA offering thin lenses for free, and about dentists offering dental payment plans (ie even after you get the NHS surgery you may well want cosmetic tooth straightening, which may not be free)

Looks are not everything, but making the best of what you do have will go a long way towards helping with your confidence.