to wonder how other ugly people come to terms with being genuinely unattractive?

[MingingInTheRain]

Objectively speaking, I'm ugly. This isn't a matter of low confidence, it's just fact.

I've got a minor oral defect that means my jaw is out of line giving me a serious double chin despite being fairly slim, and my teeth are wonky as fuck (like really really wonky with a massive overbite, this probably could have been rectified to some degree when I was a child but my parents don't believe in dentists and now it's too late for me to get NHS orthodontics). My nose is huge, which on top of the jaw/teeth issues makes my face look fairly misshapen. Plus I'm very shortsighted so wear mega thick glasses (can't afford slim lenses!).

My figure is ok (starting to wobble a bit with age but it's not terrible), but my fanjo area is not a pretty sight after a traumatic birth - it functions ok so not a massive deal, I know it could be a lot worse, but it doesn't help with the whole package.

My oral defect also means I can't snog or give a decent blow job, so basically I'm fucked

And as I approach 40, and the father of my DC has left me for someone younger and prettier, it just gets me down. For years I've made myself stand out in an unconventional way (piercings, unconventional hair and clothing etc) but as I get older I just feel like that's getting to look really jarring on someone pushing 40. I don't have the benefits of youth or a perfect figure anymore which were basically my only decent points lookswise!

I always thought it didn't matter because I had found someone who would love me forever anyway but clearly that was a delusion, and I can't see anyone else ever being interested now

Beauty comes from within.

Have you read Roald Dahl’s The Twits? He has a beautiful description and that’s what I believe. If you’re happy on the inside then it shines through regardless of your prettiness

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely

OP I’m waiting to have my deviated sternum done on the NHS- mine has several breaks in it. You can easily get these things done if you are totally honest with your Doctors.

It doesn't sound to me that you are 'genuinely unattractive', it sounds more like your looks just don't match the 'conventionally attractive' ideal. That's definitely not the same thing. I agree that OLD very much follows the pattern where the most 'conventionally attractive' looking photos get the most clicks. But that's just one of the MANY shit things about OLD.

To me, physical appearance is a split second consideration, and has as much to do with the person's 'vibe' than anything else. With my partner, my thoughts weren't about whether he met physical criteria, I remember thinking 'wow what a cheeky smile' - his whole energy made me feel good. I do think he is good looking, too. However, if he looked the same but was a totally different person, I wouldn't have felt that 'spark' which is what attraction means to me.

Two of my most unusual looking friends are actually probably some of the most attractive, and magnetic people to be around. And both do well romantically. I have another friend who is a VERY handsome man by traditional standards, but has never had a girlfriend because he is very shy. Looks are not the same thing as attractiveness.

Not read whole thread but I'd def save and get teeth sorted. Sounds like bain of your issues and also has health impact.

For years I've made myself stand out in an unconventional way piercings, unconventional hair and clothing etc
I've noticed that unattractive women on facebook seem to reject traditional efforts eg hair straightened, makeup etc, and go for quirky/cropped or dyed hair/ face piercings and tattoos/alternayive looks with a slight smile. It doesnt work, they just look like what you said you do.
It's hiding, and it shows. Just embrace it and have confidence, that's better.
Ps Im a minger and whilst i look back and realise why i was rejected, now im getting older its levelling out and im just average...

Honestly? I'm just used to it.

I've never been good looking so I don't know what it's like to be treated as such.

I've never been pretty but since reaching my 30s have convinced myself that my, ahem, strong features when combined with my giantess genes height mean I can consider myself "striking." To help with this I try to avoid looking in the mirror for any longer than strictly necessary (to pluck the spiky monster hairs from my chin, make sure my minimal makeup is more or less evenly applied, and check my hair is going in the direction I'm expecting it to).

As others have suggested good clothes can also make a difference to how you feel and that impacts on how you present yourself to others and how they react in turn. I know it's not helpful in July but I managed to get a couple of really good quality, classic coats in the sales, which make any old chucked on outfit look like a deliberate choice.

i know it sound so cliche but someone wil find you beautifulif your a good person.with all the attributes they find lovely the parts of your over bite and other bits youve mentioned will simply bloom to them.and they wouldnt describe it as you do.but they might say you lovely jaw.or cute glasses because your blind!(in affectionate way)
your strong nose.
etcetc
you dont see them that way becasue you dont feel good about yourself.but that isnt how love works otherwsie we would all need to look the same to ever fall in love.look how different every ingle couple are.they all look for different

I'm not a looker OP, I don't have the benefit of a decent figure either, but I do have a sense of humour and halfway through your post I burst out laughing. You are great.

Why are people denial about people being ugly? Everyone is very keen to pint out when people look stunning. There’s obviously going to be two ends to that spectrum.

I guess the trick is purely down to believing you are more than your looks. Just confidence. This is no easy feat. I am now in the ugly bracket after years of being “not to bad”. Luckily I still have self esteem from those years but every time I catch sight of a photo or reflection I am genuinely shocked and it does get you down.

I agree that the quirky hair and piercings are a bit try hard in later life and make you look less secure. Figure sounds like a strong point. Work on making that the best it can be.

And don’t worry about finding a bloke. They age really badly. You found one before, there’s every chance you’ll find another.

I had a friend at school with an uncorrected cleft palate. I remember looking at her once in third year thinking ‘I know there’s something wrong with her face, but I really can’t remember what it is.’

The first time you meet someone with a facial deformity, you can’t help but notice it. Once you know them, what you see is the person you love.

Your D.P. leaving is nothing to do with your looks. He may just be a shit, he may have fallen out of love with you, any number of things, but trust me, looks ain’t it. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have loved you in the first place.

to me i think my sister is the most beatufiul being.and to some of her friend(one model)who are convetion beauty she might not look anything liek them.but i see this shine from her that is stunning.a qaulity.and i guess i see her peronality and all the little bits too so it just comes from her.
when she comes home she tosses her hair up,put on her tartan pjs and still...beautiful.its just doesnt work like that.
and im proud not to look for what the shitheads look for in beauty.that is destroying people confidence and sending woman and men ill.and making food and culture and stigma to the shits.
a loving heart.a kindness and compassionate heart and i think your halfway there.

I hope you can get your jaw seen to, nobody should struggle to eat or breathe if there's treatment available.

As for ugly - ugliness is an idea that is subjective, variable and has no real basis in reality.

I'm an artist, specialise in figures and have painted/drawn dozens of people. There is no such thing as ugly. There are saggy, wrinkly, scarred, bodies in various shapes and sizes. I've drawn all ages, with limbs/a breast missing, scars, bald post-chemo, etc.If you've observed, carefully and at length anybody, you may be surprised by how irrelevant, after an hour or so, the idea of 'beautiful' or 'ugly' becomes.

Forms, sizes, lines and proportions, all relative and unique to each individual. There is, without exception, something visually interesting to appreciate in every single person, ever. It might not be something obvious - the triangulation of neck and shoulder, maybe, the angle of a knee, the shape of a hip, how they hold themself, the colour of their hair against their skin. I could, indeed, go on forever ...

I wonder if trying a life drawing class might help you appreciate the amazing variety and miraculousness of the human body in all its enormous range of expressions?

All the best, OP.

I was going to post this but starray and iggly have got there first. I even picture this when you describe yourself.

I don't need pretty people in my life. I need kind people, and so do your children and your friends. You sound lovely.

Most people are ugly, especially over the age of 40, the majority of people manage to find partners. I hardly ever see a truly attractive or beautiful person, it must be less than 10% of the population.

So, don't worry about it. You sound like you have a good personality.

I think at my age I'm just aiming for healthy, stylish and happy. I don't want anybody to recoil in horror at my face. I think people are always more attractive when you know them.

i dont agree that there are two ends of the spectrum.what is pretty.what is ugly?who defined it.the media.advertsiser.product placers.the culture.diet magazine or model runways.there isnt a spectrum becasue it subjective.
what mythical god sent down a tablet with the definitions of absolute definite beauty?

Just this.

I think coming to terms with how you look (whether it be ugly, average or stunning) involves not putting too much emphasis on appearance and just accepting that comparison is the thief of joy. Even if you were absolutely beautiful there would always be somebody that was more beautiful or had better hair or legs or whatever. I actually think self acceptance is more important when it comes to self esteem than how attractive a person is to other people. This is why supermodels and popstars are often dissatisfied with the way they look even though they are generally envied for their appearance.

I also think there is great freedom in accepting that actually it's perfectly ok to be average or indeed below average in some respects. The world is populated by billions of people and the vast, vast majority of them aren't great beauties in the same way that most people aren't extremely intelligent or athletic. That doesn't mean they don't have worth or are in anyway less important.

Fuck being pretty.
Be useful. Be kind. Be funny. Be clever.

Those things are worth being.

I don’t think I’m ugly but I’m certainly not pretty or attractive, in my whole life only three people have found me attractive enough to show interest and I married one of them.

All the platitudes are very nice but we know what we see in the mirror. So I only look in the mirror long enough to make sure I’m presentable, I don’t bother with make up. And now I have kids and am over 40 I’ve just embraced a don’t give a shit attitude. I reject Facebook and Instagram. I’ve lots of friends and am enjoying life watching the kids grow, appreciating nature, finding things to be thankful for and pursuing my interests. But I avoid photos and sometimes it’s a horrible shock catching myself in the mirror.

You can get deviated septums looked at on the NHS so please talk to your doctor about the impact your jaw has one your life, there may be options, you shouldn’t have to struggle that much. I can’t bite properly but it doesn’t affect me as much by the sounds of it.

The point about online dating is very true. I don't get out much (child with additional needs) so feel like that's my only option, and I just don't have the sort of face that makes people want to know more.

And yeah, I did manage a long term relationship and kids, but that was with someone I met when I was still young and energetic and did fun stuff! I thought it would be ok that having kids damaged my body and my mental health, because their father loved me and wasn't going anywhere. But then he literally left me for someone who is younger and extremely beautiful (I mean I hate her guts because she was the OW but even I can see that she's gorgeous).

Haven’t read the whole thread. I just wanted to say hopefully without sounding horrible.
I know a lady who is really quite ugly, but she makes the best of herself. She has gorgeous hair, nice clothes and nails. She has confidence, way more than me. I look at her when I see her and she does look great.
Do things that make you happy in life. Start by getting your hair done, manicure and pedicure if
you want it. Loose a bit of weight, meet people at classes. Do yoga. Get some nice walking shoes and go walking. Just do something and don’t stay still.

I have a bit of an odd face too. The last time I had passport photos taken the machine refused to guarantee them bc its facial recognition thought I wasn’t looking straight at the camera 😂
What helps: nice clothes, showing off figure (pretty good for age even if not like pre-kids), good bra, bit of makeup, regular haircuts. Just work it, like Diana Vreeland or Sarah Jessica Parker.

OP, I am most definitely not conventionally beautiful and until recently felt quite low in terms of confdence mainly for to being overweight. I posted before wondering about whether it was ever possible to be attractive while overweight as I felt deeply unattractive.

I bought myself some new clothes, great sandals painted my toe nails, started moisturising. I'm just looking after myself a bit and I feel better fort it.

But I also have days where I don't make any effort because how I look doesn't matter, eg, I've been out today with DC in messy hair and yesterday's clothes.

I suppose an odd mix of taking care of myself more but remembering appearance isn't everything.