to wonder how other ugly people come to terms with being genuinely unattractive?

[MingingInTheRain]

Objectively speaking, I'm ugly. This isn't a matter of low confidence, it's just fact.

I've got a minor oral defect that means my jaw is out of line giving me a serious double chin despite being fairly slim, and my teeth are wonky as fuck (like really really wonky with a massive overbite, this probably could have been rectified to some degree when I was a child but my parents don't believe in dentists and now it's too late for me to get NHS orthodontics). My nose is huge, which on top of the jaw/teeth issues makes my face look fairly misshapen. Plus I'm very shortsighted so wear mega thick glasses (can't afford slim lenses!).

My figure is ok (starting to wobble a bit with age but it's not terrible), but my fanjo area is not a pretty sight after a traumatic birth - it functions ok so not a massive deal, I know it could be a lot worse, but it doesn't help with the whole package.

My oral defect also means I can't snog or give a decent blow job, so basically I'm fucked

And as I approach 40, and the father of my DC has left me for someone younger and prettier, it just gets me down. For years I've made myself stand out in an unconventional way (piercings, unconventional hair and clothing etc) but as I get older I just feel like that's getting to look really jarring on someone pushing 40. I don't have the benefits of youth or a perfect figure anymore which were basically my only decent points lookswise!

I always thought it didn't matter because I had found someone who would love me forever anyway but clearly that was a delusion, and I can't see anyone else ever being interested now

It’s abit patronising chirping that no one is ugly and that Ronald Dahl quote. It’s a genetic lottery and some do better than others. All you can do is work with what you’ve got and to try to make peace with it and be happy if you can. There are people our age with motor neurone disease etc puts it in perspective.

We all lose it anyway. I am quite attractive but it’s all going to pot post 45 frankly my friends the same.

Cut purse I agree horrible comment that seems like she's looking down on women she sees as less attractive than her. Plus most of the women I've seen with that look are usually pretty average looking not ugly, most genuinely ugly people either don't have social media or don't post photos of themselves to be ridiculed. Most truly ugly people try to blend into the background not stand out like a sore thumb. OP probably thinks she's uglier than she really is especially if she's a 40 year old mum I even feel a bit past it at 28 in this youth obsessed society, which is ridiculous but I have kids and don't get as much male attention as I did in my late teens early 20s.

Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder

Well, actually, what most people inherently see as beauty is facial symmetry.

There have been studies that show the more symmetrical your face is, the better you are treated y others and e.g. have a better chance at job interviews.

As a western society we also have intrinsically linked beauty to being 'good' and ugliness for 'bad' people. Think about the villains in children's stories... hooked noses, warts, bad teeth, bad hair etc

So it is pretty patronising to tell people that no one is ugly and they just need to be confident and smile!

It’s abit patronising chirping that no one is ugly and that Ronald Dahl quote.

Agreed. How many 'ugly but lovely on the inside' women do we get in Roald Dahl's children's stories? I can't think of any, but all the bad ones are ugly -- the child-murdering witches are bald, toeless, and clawed, the psychopathic Miss Trunchbull is gigantic, middle-aged and man-like (and is usually played by a man in the musical adaptation).

I am ugly and have an unpleasant personality too
ExH was the only man who has ever paid attention to me, and he turned out to be a proper psychopath.
Can't be arsed to do anything about my looks though. I am glad my daughter is more conventionally looking though.

Screaming I don't know about being a great leveller but I'm coming at this from the perspective of being good looking, the way I see it is that I get older and uglier but there will always be young beautiful girls around as the little girls now grow into young women iyswim so it's not really a leveller because there will always be gorgeous young things even if the women your age who had looks end up losing them. It doesn't put anyone in any better position especially with men since they will just swan off to the newest young things when the hot women their own age start losing it.

It’s sad that society makes people feel like this. I bet that you are more beautiful than you feel.

That being said if you’re not comfortable why not look at changes, for your health rather than because of what people think? I’d give the NHS another go as your breathing issues sounds far worse than my teeth and I got an NHS referral.

it's not really a leveller because there will always be gorgeous young things

Yes - and they too will grow old.

It can be fun to reinvent yourself so perhaps you could try a new look? After the end of a long relationship it takes a while to regain confidence so be kind to yourself. There's nothing wrong in tackling your dental issues if they're impacting negatively. They do sound restrictive by which I mean biting not BJ's.

I was at the airport abroad late Saturday night and amongst the beautiful teenage holiday gangs and well dressed bronzed middle aged travellers in swishy kaftans and expensive handbags there was this much bigger lady with her little son probably around 4 or 5. She wouldn't be considered conventionally attractive perhaps but she was cradling her tired boy, on her lap and he was nestled in, so calm in her arms as she stroked his wee head. Such a beautiful sight watching his doze off, she was so loved and was so loving I wanted what she had right there. If I could have swapped places with any of those people it would be her mainly as my boys are too big to nestle on my lap now

You've got a lovely honest way of writing and you sound fab OP so I hope you can get some of your confidence back soon.

Yep and let's not forget the beautiful miss honey who saves the day. Compare her to the hideous Trunch bull lol even the supposedly beautiful Disney villains like mother gothel look evil

And the next batch of beautiful young women will appear etc etc and so on. So really you just continue to get uglier and more undesirable compared to what else is out there lol.

2eternities That's the point I'm making, really. You said: I'm coming at this from the perspective of being good looking, the way I see it is that I get older and uglier and really you just continue to get uglier and more undesirable compared to what else is out there

If you come at this from the perspective of not being good looking, that doesn't happen. You have always been ugly and undesirable compared to 'what else is out there' so as you age, you don't have any sense that you are becoming less desirable or suffering more by comparison to 'beautiful young women'.

You are in exactly the same position at 48 as you were at 18 - the ugly one in the corner. The only change is positive - at 18 you are likely to be mocked and insulted by men for daring to be someone they don't want to shag. In your 40s, the type of man who'd have mocked you at 18 has long since moved you into an age bracket that is completely beneath his notice, so you are ignored rather than mocked which after years of mockery, is blissful.

Not RTFT but having read your post, I feel like I really want to meet you and be friends with you (Just in a hypothetical way, not a creepy stalker way). I am a fellow minger and never even managed to bag myself a selfish pratt. So I could be your designated ugly fat friend!

We all lose it anyway. I am quite attractive but it’s all going to pot post 45 frankly my friends the same

Don't confuse looks with attractiveness.

You maybe the best looking in the room, but the least attractive.

I think I’m ugly too. I’ve always been told I was never as beautiful as my sister, we shared a few similarities eg same shape eyes but hers were green and mine are blue/grey, same chin but I was always told she was more prettier etc etc.

It’s depressing being constantly compared to someone else.

I’m now the wrong side of 30 and incredibly fat, my boobs sag (joys of breastfeeding) I long for my lovely lady area Pre kids. My teeth are fucked (I had some meds when I was 6 and it stripped the calcium from my bones and teeth) so they are stained and crumble, my nose is too big for my face, and my eyes are really small (even with slim lenses in my glasses stupidly short sighted) only thing I actually like about myself are my nails as they grow rather long.

My dh tells me I’m beautiful (I think he needs his eyes tested) and that he loves me, I guess that’s all that matters 🤷‍♀️

I am ugly and have an unpleasant personality too

But evidently some self awareness, or at least the ability to self-deprecate.

You're not all bad.

I think its important that you wear what makes you smile. Theres not much anyone can do about their face apart from wear makeup, and not everyone can be beautiful. Youre allowed to just be you, and it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks. You can still decorate yourself to please yourself, and if you love piercings and stuff, then fuck what anyone else thinks. None of it matters in the grand scheme of things.
Just a real shame that women in particular have all this pressure that this is their main area of value, when a man would just get on with life

I think your relationship break up probably has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself right now and that's totally understandable.
I have been referred to as a man on no less than 4 occasions in the past 4 days at work. The best was being called a "Lovely young man" on a fucking trip advisor review , my name is generally feminine but it's a shortened version that could be male, I have a DD chest, and a waist though a bit overweight, I'm 5"8 and pony tail/fringe. I think it's my face tbh, sort of square and flat and I don't wear makeup. The comments make me feel like I'm ugly tbh, I think that anyway, but it's a bit to have it confirmed! It also doesn't help that whatever I wear, however I wear it or how cheap/expensive things are, I look like a sack tied in the middle! I have absolutely no sense of style whatsoever, and if I do wear makeup I look like a clown!
I have learned to laugh at it, but it does erode my self confidence. I have bags of other good points though - and crucially, ones I have control over. I made a real effort the past few years to be a better person, I get an elderly neighbours paper every day as we don't have a delivery any more, I look after my friends kids regularly so they can both work, I try and go above and beyond at work every shift, I rehomed an old dog who would never have been given a chance.... I'm not bragging here, but I can't control how I look (well to a certain degree I can) but doing these things is something I can control to hopefully make me a more attractive person all round by my personality/behaviour.
I agree with the pps that say you write (and so I presume also speak) eloquently and have a great sense of humour too - really attractive traits in a person. I get it though because sometimes people pass you over without discovering those things, because of the outside, and that can be disheartening.
💐

I also had the 'men homing in on my (sometimes not even that much prettier friends' thing in my youth. It was depressing. But now I am older, I see men homing in on my friends and I just think 'oh those poor desperate letches', and now we are older my friends have lost that shiny-eyed 'oooh how lovely, someone fancies me!' desire to immediately hand over their phone number.

Age is not always bad.

It's quite pleasant to be able to sit and have a drink and not have to try to avoid smarmy drunks (except the ones who think you should be grateful that they'd actually lower themselves to want to shag you). You acquire a sense of humour about the whole thing.

I was invisible to men as an ugly young girl. I am now invisible again as an over 50 woman. But I haven't had to get used to it! My friends (the same ones who are now realising that the men that approached them when they were young and pretty only had one thing in mind) are having a bit of trouble adjusting...

Well explained thank you for correcting me on this. I found the increased invisibility when I gained two dress sizes after my second(naxaplanon omg never again) hard but maybe that's good for ugly women who I know get mocked as I had below average friends who were treated like piles of shit by men in their younger days. Maybe a positive for less attractive women since for me it's been tough, our beauty really is so fleeting.

I’ve posted before on these types of threads. I’m ugly. I was fat and ugly. I lost some weight. Now I’m just ugly. I thought losing the weight would help but I’ve lost it all from my face and boobs so although I now have a low bmi of 18ish I still look fat because I need to do some exercise.
My parents are normal looking people but I got the worst bits of both of them which don’t fit together well and a witch nose - god knows from where. Tiny little rat face, witch nose, unsymmetrical eyes, fine hair that’s so fine it looks like it’s balding, no chest, wide thighs, fat arms and legs. Hair is lkke a weird yellow colour - not blonde. Basically: it’s all bad. And it’s worse now I’m older. Yes my friends may be less attractive than they were but they can still look nice most of the time. Me, I was hideous to begin with and it’s just got more hideous. It slightly easier being old and ugly on balance I suppose. The clothes and make up and fashions aren’t aimed at me anymore so I don’t even have to try and make myself look nice. Why throw good money after bad?
So I sympathise and people who are average looking or above won’t get it because they’ve never had to be ugly.

@MsTSwift as someone who was ugly, has been called ugly, had jaw surgery to correct it, I can say I love that quote and I was the first poster to reference it. I have grown in to my looks, but you say in your post you are attractive, whereas as someone who has actually known how it feels to be odd looking and called Shrek - I don’t find it patronising when someone tries to make me feel better about it. I think that’s what other posters who also quoted it were trying to do.

I love my middle-aged woman's invisibility shield. It's very freeing to be able to go about my business largely un-noticed.

I've never been particularly attractive past the age of about 12. I'm small and runty and rodenty. I used to have the one trump card of being thin but I haven't even got that any more.

OP, you do sound very funny and likeable. Beauty is all very well for people you see in passing, but funny and likeable people are what you really want around you, whether they are beautiful or not.

hazandduck As pps have mentioned, Roald Dahl's female characters didn't reflect his quote at all - they followed the traditional evil = physically ugly; good = physically beautiful. If RD really believed that, he should have written a book where the lovely, kind female character looked hideous.