to wonder how other ugly people come to terms with being genuinely unattractive?

[MingingInTheRain]

Objectively speaking, I'm ugly. This isn't a matter of low confidence, it's just fact.

I've got a minor oral defect that means my jaw is out of line giving me a serious double chin despite being fairly slim, and my teeth are wonky as fuck (like really really wonky with a massive overbite, this probably could have been rectified to some degree when I was a child but my parents don't believe in dentists and now it's too late for me to get NHS orthodontics). My nose is huge, which on top of the jaw/teeth issues makes my face look fairly misshapen. Plus I'm very shortsighted so wear mega thick glasses (can't afford slim lenses!).

My figure is ok (starting to wobble a bit with age but it's not terrible), but my fanjo area is not a pretty sight after a traumatic birth - it functions ok so not a massive deal, I know it could be a lot worse, but it doesn't help with the whole package.

My oral defect also means I can't snog or give a decent blow job, so basically I'm fucked

And as I approach 40, and the father of my DC has left me for someone younger and prettier, it just gets me down. For years I've made myself stand out in an unconventional way (piercings, unconventional hair and clothing etc) but as I get older I just feel like that's getting to look really jarring on someone pushing 40. I don't have the benefits of youth or a perfect figure anymore which were basically my only decent points lookswise!

I always thought it didn't matter because I had found someone who would love me forever anyway but clearly that was a delusion, and I can't see anyone else ever being interested now

RD’s personal beliefs aside, my point was people were trying to offer the OP support.

Haz I've read a lot about this mostly on reddit where there's whole subs dedicated to this topic and I've found these sorts of platitudes annoy ugly people more than anything since its kind of denying their experiences and telling them they just need to smile more which is bullshit.

I find the RD quote patronising personally - obviously you feel differently. It just sticks in my craw that, as an ugly person, I have to make an extra hig effort to be nice and smily and genial just to get the same level of basic respect that is afforded to people who have been luckier in the genetic lottery. I don't always feel like smiling, quite frankly, and don't see why I should have to go around beaming at people randomly to signal the fact that, hey, I might be a minger, but I am a nice person really, honestly! It plays into the whole pretty = good and ugly = evil thing.

Yeah I know a woman who is gorgeous (in that fake overdone Towie kind of way which I don't think is the most attractive look really but many others do) but she's a horrible, stuck up,shallow person which ive heard acknowledged by others that know her, she still has tons of people kissing her backside on social media etc wanting to be her friend... Yet people who are ugly are expected to be amazing happy people all the time or expect to be shunned it's very unfair.

I know one woman who has a mis shapen face. (Accident at birth)

She has bags of confidence and her partner (who she met when she was in her 40s) is 15 years her junior and really really good looking.

Before him she had another partner, again really attractive guy, and before him 2 marriages.

All bar one it was her doing the loving and leaving.

I think confidence and a good sense of humour can be more attractive than being pretty

It’s like if you’re fat you should be jolly

I am not ugly but i absolutely hate that RD quote. Noone ever says it to men either.

OP i would definitely start to push for surgery.

Fair enough, I guess it’s not for everyone. I don’t think people were trying to patronise the OP, though. I certainly wasn’t.

First, character is far more important than looks.

Second, nearly all of us are going to loose our looks and physical attributes as we age.

Third, people are attracted to truth and honesty not fakery. So if you accept yourself for who you are, warts and all, that is an attractive characteristic in itself.

Four, yes, without a photo, people cannot judge accurately how someone looks over the internet. But equally, people are very bad at judging their own looks objectively and we all tend to judge ourselves more harshly then we would judge someone else.

Op - if you had a good friend who was not "conventionally" attractive, how would you judge and treat them? Why not apply that same thinking to yourself?

@Fibbke I agree, my surgery really did change my life so much for the better. My sister recently had a similar operation to correct her jaw (late twenties) and she actually smiles with her teeth now. I had my surgery nearly a decade ago but I still remember that amazing feeling of smiling with my teeth on show instead of the closed-lipped grimace I’d had for years. Let alone being able to have basic function like biting an apple! Still got my witch’s nose but I own it now!

Funnily enough, I grew up with an extremely beautiful mother. Like, people stop in their tracks, fall over themselves, declare love beautiful! And I feel incredibly sorry for her now in her sixties as she has found ageing so very hard.

I am the same OP, and have a particular physical characteristic which makes people stare.

I'm not super confident but I don't worry or dwell on things. I can't do anything to change my appearance (well nothing I'm willing to do) so why stress?

Mind you my STBXH has also recently left me for a pretty 24yo but that's because he's a pillock- not because I'm ugly.

Oh yes, the "jolly fat" thing. Being both ugly and fat, it's like a double whammy of social expectation. Like you have to make your personality extra-agreeable to make up for not being nice to look at.

My sister visited some very elderly neighbors and the lady insisted on showing her lots of pictures of how she used to look in her twenties. Having looks or sexual attractiveness as your “thing” can be quite tragic as it does go no matter what you do.

Yeah i feel sorry for the women gutted to be losing their beauty, often it relates to how men stop seeing them as sexual.
I cannot relate at all and measure my worth in other things-that I will never lose so in a way am stronger in my identity

You know attractive people like to pretend looks don't matter. Ugly people know that is not true.
But we all only have one life. We have to make the best of what we have been given. For some people that is an unhappy childhood, educational neglect, abuse, being ugly, being disabled. So we are not born with various advantages? You can feel sorry about that but in the end no one but you can build a good life for yourself. And no one but you will suffer if you don't.

I truly don't notice anything about people's appearance. I would struggle to tell you someone's hair colour the second they're not in front of me. I think there are a lot of people the same.

My mum was stunningly attractive in her youth, she has been lamenting the loss of looks for 50 years now.

I think 'beauty privilege' is a very real thing and it can affect the way you live and behave even after your looks have faded.

A few years ago I was walking through town at night with a friend, to meet up with a group. My friend was in her 50s, still attractive and must have been a 'stunner' in her youth. We walked past a stag party sitting outside a pub, dressed up and having a 'merry' time as you'd expect.

As soon as I noticed them, I automatically put my head down and started walking faster, praying I wouldn't be noticed - groups of that kind so often use ugly people for their own banter - in the past I've had 'Is that your girlfriend?' 'My mate fancies you!' 'Watch out, it's a full moon tonight!' etc. I couldn't believe it when my friend actually called out to them with a jocular comment about the silly hats they were wearing - I couldn't believe she would want to draw the attention of that kind of group to us. I wanted to drop through the floor.

Fortunately they responded in a friendly manner and we went on our way unscathed. The incident brought home to me how different our expectations in life were, though. The confidence my friend had - it obviously never crossed her mind there was any potential for humiliation, whereas my first thought was to make myself as inconspicuous as possible.

Yes of course there undoubtedly is beauty privilege; humans are hardwired to find symmetry beautiful and to be attracted to those who display the markers of superior genetics.

The social capital of beauty and attractiveness is a very real thing, and cannot be underestimated. I’d never presume to tell someone who’s been unlucky in the looks department that ‘it doesn’t matter’. Of course it matters. Just like money matters a great deal when you don’t have it.

BUT.

I think what people are trying to say is, there are other things that matter just as much. And of course you shouldn’t have to be ‘bubbly’, ‘nice’, a ‘good person’ or whatever else to ‘make up’ for not being attractive! But it’s absolutely one hundred percent true that a good, kind, lovely person will never look hideous. They just won’t. They will look like them, like the breadth and width and depth of their character and the life they lead and the universe that resides inside their being, the multitude of thoughts and feelings which makes up their unique personality and is reflected in their actions and in their behaviours. You cannot reduce a person, including yourself, to their physical appearance only. If you do, you are doing yourself a great disservice.

Now that might sound hollow, and granted I can completely understand how it might sound like meaningless platitudes to you, but I absolutely believe it to be true. And the people who don’t think that way? Fuck’em. Seriously, you don’t need them in your life.

Claim your space.

I’m sorry that I can’t give advice on how to cope with the objective fact that one is not conventionally good looking. But I absolutely can give you advice on the reality of things, which is that there are many subjective factors that feed into love, attraction, affection and sexual desire. You are worth just as much as every other person in the world! You might not find that everyone else in the world sees it that way (there are plenty of truly ugly people in the world after all - by which I mean nasty, ugly minded people with vile characters), but you certainly should!

How many 'ugly but lovely on the inside' women do we get in Roald Dahl's children's stories? I can't think of any, but all the bad ones are ugly -- the child-murdering witches are bald, toeless, and clawed, the psychopathic Miss Trunchbull is gigantic, middle-aged and man-like

Yes, but Roald Dahl was a horrible misogynist.

@Ninkaninus beautiful words

Yeah I don't like all the advice saying to work on being a good person and smile. What if the OP wants to be a grump? I say this as a grump myself

Not read all the past posts but just wanted to say dont be so hard on yourself OP. The old expression beauty is in the eye of the beholder is true. Theres plenty of people who would say I was ugly but I have managed to date some truly gorgeous guys... although this is again objective but have had comments of "how did you manage that?" From envious friends lol
Rememebr Confidence really is an attractive quality in people so find things about you that you love and showcase them. It doesnt need to be just looks either. You'll find the perfect person who will only have eyes for you. F*ck your ex!

I'm another saying get a second opinion on jaw surgery. I know two people who have been through it very recently and it was on the NHS partly because if you can't close your mouth properly, you'll get more problems down the line because too much air getting to the gums can cause them to recede and result in tooth loss.

Point of information
If you are talking about top teeth sticking out it's a big
OVERJET

Not a big overbite