to wonder how other ugly people come to terms with being genuinely unattractive?

[MingingInTheRain]

Objectively speaking, I'm ugly. This isn't a matter of low confidence, it's just fact.

I've got a minor oral defect that means my jaw is out of line giving me a serious double chin despite being fairly slim, and my teeth are wonky as fuck (like really really wonky with a massive overbite, this probably could have been rectified to some degree when I was a child but my parents don't believe in dentists and now it's too late for me to get NHS orthodontics). My nose is huge, which on top of the jaw/teeth issues makes my face look fairly misshapen. Plus I'm very shortsighted so wear mega thick glasses (can't afford slim lenses!).

My figure is ok (starting to wobble a bit with age but it's not terrible), but my fanjo area is not a pretty sight after a traumatic birth - it functions ok so not a massive deal, I know it could be a lot worse, but it doesn't help with the whole package.

My oral defect also means I can't snog or give a decent blow job, so basically I'm fucked

And as I approach 40, and the father of my DC has left me for someone younger and prettier, it just gets me down. For years I've made myself stand out in an unconventional way (piercings, unconventional hair and clothing etc) but as I get older I just feel like that's getting to look really jarring on someone pushing 40. I don't have the benefits of youth or a perfect figure anymore which were basically my only decent points lookswise!

I always thought it didn't matter because I had found someone who would love me forever anyway but clearly that was a delusion, and I can't see anyone else ever being interested now

I'm properly ugly too, OP, and I hate the way these threads always turn into a litany of denials that ugliness even exists. People who say that don't understand what it's like to actually be ugly and to have to negotiate the world with an unattractive face. Believe me, there is such a thing, and it's fucking shit when it's your reality. Roald Dahl can piss off with his patronising crap too

OP, I don't know how to advise you because I struggle too, but I try my best to dress well so that I feel well turned out and can take pleasure in having nice clothes. I cultivate my hobbies and interests so that I can always amuse myself, so it doesn't matter if I'm not in a relationship. Just make sure you have things to do that make you happy and that you can do just for yourself. That's what I try to do, and mostly it does work!

Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. If everyone went for absolute physical beauty, then people would all go for the same person. Outer attractiveness is what first attracts someone to you, but if you don’t have a decent personality, then the attraction is not going to last long. I’ve met men in the past who I haven’t found physically attractive, but then having got to know them, their personalities and ability to make me laugh have made them attractive to me. Just be yourself OP.

I would say I was ugly too - conventionally.
I’ve Always looked after my body so my figure is ok - in clothes! - at nearly 50.
I just make sure I am as presentable as possible. I’ve never gone down the unconventional looks route as I think that wouldn’t do me any favours, I prefer to blend in so am
Not noticed as looking different.
I rely on my personality a lot too - I have good friends, dh and kids (who thankfully haven’t inherited my looks in a bad way - def diluted by dh’s better face shape). I’m good at my job, have an excellent sense of humour, I’m loyal and get on well with people. Surely looks fade anyway and as we get older they hold less importance.

I honestly don't believe anyone is ugly, because the beauty of someone is a lot more than skin deep.
Also, it's true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as it's totally subjective.
It's more important to be happy with who you are, both in yourself and as those love see you. I'm absolutely sure your child will not think you are ugly ! I'm sure that to them, you are the best thing since sliced bread ! :)

People are attracted to all shapes, sizes etc but what really attracts people is confidence, both in who you are and what you are capable of. Love, sensitivity, intelligence, sense of humour, imagination, passion, originality, depth of character and thoughtfulness are all plainly evident in your post OP, and those are attractive :)

Forms, sizes, lines and proportions, all relative and unique to each individual. There is, without exception, something visually interesting to appreciate in every single person, ever. It might not be something obvious - the triangulation of neck and shoulder, maybe, the angle of a knee, the shape of a hip, how they hold themself, the colour of their hair against their skin. I could, indeed, go on forever

This, this, this!!! The majority of the people I've fancied have not been conventionally attractive.

As others have said get a second/third opinion, that definitely sounds like you should be eligible for surgery on the nhs. If that fails then try crowdfund.

I think you have to accept yourself before anyone else does. Even if you are conventionally 'ugly'.

I know plenty of 'ugly' people who have gorgeous spouses and I think it's a lot to do with their own self worth. By judging yourself as ugly, you are allowing others to do so. It's good that you appreciate others' beauty but remember to appreciate your own.

Also people's beauty hits them at different ages and some people grow into their looks. Like sometimes when you see children with a grown up face.

This is happening to me a bit. All of a sudden I'm the better looking one in a group as others haven't aged as well. I still look shit in a selfie though. But I've accepted myself and found my style. Hopefully you will as well.

I’m the complete opposite, I used to be pretty now I’m really not. I was a genuine ‘head turner’ for a long time. Never appreciated it or even believed it. Super low self esteem.
I then became disabled, put on a fuckton of weight, stopped being able to look after myself in a grooming way, exh didn’t want sex with me, became depressed and mentally unwell. Pain and psych meds made me put on more weight. Severe pain means I struggle to do fatburning exercise and my greying hair is frizzy as anything despite copious conditioning.
Like another poster upthread, my teeth have also shifted in my gums, giving me a rather snaggle toothed snails and my eyes seem to have shrunken under heavy lids. Stress and trauma has brought masses of wrinkles and my only good feature, my cleavage (best bit of putting on weight) is now leathery and even seems to have open pores.
I’m also on hrt and have the gut of a six months pregnant woman. My feet are foul... I could even go on. But suffice it to say, I’m really struggling to come to terms with not being attractive and more and not even liking myself in the mirror.
I hate being out at occasions when there are cameras out as I always look like a complete gonk. Especially hard as all the women in my family are super fit and glam, like a bunch of kardashians and I’m the troll
No help whatsoever, just a vent. Sorry op.

Just to add, I was not pretty child either

dragonfly
Your post made me laugh because that’s how I feel too. Yes. I used to be really quite pretty. I never could see it either due to low self esteem and the way my brother mocked me so vilely. I though I could never be attractive to a man. I am disabled and don’t even have the cleavage although my tits are quite a lot bigger than they were. I’d get rid of those in a heart beat for a slim figure. I definitely don’t like what I see in the mirror and am also on hrt following a hysterectomy. My face looks severely bloated from the extra 40 kilos I put on since becoming disabled. One thing about a fat face is less wrinkles I suppose.

Awww, Mummyoflittledragon how weird we both had quite similar experiences! My mum was as horrible as your brother and if people complimented me I thought they were humouring me! I look at old photos now and can’t believe how lovely I was!
And teeny tiny!
I settled for a series of complete arseholes, then found my exh who seemed delightful but of course my paranoia and low self esteem haunted me and it transpired he had a porn addiction which made me feel even less attractive. It’s a sorry situation when I’m always about the sisterhood and body confidence no matter what etc and teaching my kids the same then I catch sight of myself hulking around and my huge gut and just feel so sorry! First world problems for sure. Having physical health issues is such a hard one to come to terms with as it completely turns your world upside down! And I feel let down by my body. really need to come to terms with it better!
There’s a song a with the line ‘she used to be pretty, now she’s just pretty fucked up’ [wry smile]

I don’t know if it helps but someone I know recently had NHS jaw surgery (you really wouldn’t have known she needed it, slight overbite but nothing major) and they offered to give her a nose job while she was under She had braces for about a year beforehand to get things ready then it was one fairly brutal op but for her it was worth it.

I don’t for one second advocate plastic surgery to please anyone else or societal norms but if it’s really affecting your confidence and ability to breathe then I’d reiterate others who have said get a second opinion.

It's not just about looks they fade anyway , I used to know someone who was objectively ugly ,he had funny teeth blonde hair but not a nice blonde kind of yellow , red face a mutual colleague described him as having a face like a melted welly ,but he was incredibly charming and had a great personality and certainly had more than his fair share of partners .

Im not ugly so no advice there but its an interesting topic ive read into and there's some good reddit communities that talk about this stuff r/trufemcels is one and ugliness is often discussed on r/foreveralone, you will get less useless meaningless comments about confidence and personality there. Some people are ugly ive known many noticeably physically ugly people in my life, it is true that personality matters and attractiveness is more than looks but fact is ugly people have it tough, in the majority of areas in life.

Also i say this as someone once very good looking, maybe less so as ive had kids and got older. I'd get told how pretty i was all the time, why don't you try modeling,lots of male attention, groups of girls approaching me in public toilets stroking my hair saying how pretty i was etc etc doesnt make a difference still had the selfesteem of a dead worm due to childhood experiences and relied on the looks based attention for any modicum of self esteem i had which wasnt good since im now aging and looks are slowly fading.

dragonfly
Bless you sounds like you had it tough too. Not heard of that song.

2eternites
Self esteem of a Dead worm mmm rings a bell.

@YouJustDoYou I have been called ugly too :( once by a man I just did a polite half smile to as I walked past him. Some
People are absolute arseholes but it is no reflection of you, it just shows how shallow and nasty they are. Been told I look like Shrek too. (Pre jaw surgery for my underbite.) And Sarah Jessica Parker (someone upthread said she is someone who works her unusual features!) A bit of me thinks should I have my nose made smaller, should I do this or that...but then I remember Jennifer Grey! Who looked completely different and basically killed her career after making her defining feature (her lovely big nose) so small she was unrecognisable.

tbh I'm also ugly . I console myself with the fact that as well as being brilliant I also have a fantastic personality

I do think unattractive women are not really represented in the media or even in fiction. There is an image that women are always sought after and men work harder to get attention. In reality there are women who don't get sexual attention. I didn't as a young women and had many years of unrequited love when even less attractive men aimed higher and noone found me attractive. I will say I became more pleasant looking and eventually had a couple of relationships and met my husband. It's very hard for even an averagely attractive woman to realise how hard it is not getting attention. Obviously personality counts but looks do matter unfortunately.

Pp have given good advice about getting your teeth sorted and I think that sounds worthwhile.

If someone doesn’t like you for who you are, then you’re better off without them. If your pool of potential suitors is smaller for lacking those interested mainly in outward appearance, then hopefully there’ll less time wasted for you. I wish we didn’t live in a world where such a premium was placed on beauty, especially when comparatively little emphasis is given on how loving; kind; patient, etc, a person is. Keep being beautiful on the inside and the people who count will only see you as beautiful.

Delete all social media aswell it's toxic for the self esteem even if your decent looking my little sister is gorgeous but spends too much time on instagram and is always comparing herself to the fake photos on there. Social media is toxic I deleted it ages ago and much happier, no longer seeing grown adults who should know better engaging in high school mentality popularity contests.

I've noticed that unattractive women on facebook seem to reject traditional efforts eg hair straightened, makeup etc, and go for quirky/cropped or dyed hair/ face piercings and tattoos/alternayive looks with a slight smile. It doesnt work, they just look like what you said you do.

How incredibly misogynistic -- women get to present themselves however they like. The OP doesn't have some kind of moral obligation to wear 'flattering' Bobbi Brown with straightened, highlighted hair rather than a blue crop and lip piercings to 'make the best of herself', any more than she needs cosmetic surgery on her genitals to tidy up the signs of a traumatic birth.

OP, I have never fallen for someone conventionally good-looking. Attractiveness and classic 'good looks' are two entirely different things and while according to you you don't have conventional good looks, you may well be very attractive.

I am ugly and always have been.

I equate people who say 'looks don't matter' or 'everyone is beautiful in their own way' or 'if you're beautiful inside you can't be ugly' to people who are rich telling you that 'money isn't everything' and 'money can't buy happiness'. Yes, all those cliches have some truth in them, but unless you have been in the position of a 'have not' you can't truly appreciate the impact it has on your life.

The strangers mocking you as you walk past don't care that you're 'beautiful on the inside'.
The people in the bar ignoring you to zone in on your more attractive friends don't care that 'looks aren't everything'.
The person interviewing you for a job who chooses the sexy blonde even though she's less qualified doesn't give a hoot whether you're a lovely person or not.

However, there are positives - age is a great leveller when it comes to looks, because as they grow old, everyone gradually becomes invisible to the (shallow) types of people who judge purely on appearance, and personality does begin to become more important.

If you have never had looks, you have none to lose - you won't end up frantically spending £££ on botox or plastic surgery in an attempt to cling on to your beauty. You're used to getting by on your personality and skills alone. You don't need to panic when 'middle aged spread' strikes and you start to develop jowls and wrinkles.

It's not all bad.