To think some people don’t understand what it’s like to have zero family support

[Ironandwhine1]

As the title says , I have seen it here and on numerous occasions experienced it in RL.
I have lots and lots of family, I come from a very large family. I have 3 pretty young dcs. Not once has a single family member offered to have my kids, neither of my parents has ever gone for a walk or to the playground etc with me and the kids. My single sister visits regularly but times it so she comes down an hour before bedtime and leaves when she gets up. She also arranged to go out where we live and never offers for me and my husband to go out. The one time I asked her to babysit (in 7 years), we went out for the day for 4 hours and she made a reference to “milking it”.
Bizarrely they talk a lot about family and the importance of family when in reality I rarely see them and when we do it is strictly a half hour coffee while literally just looking at the kids. BTW it’s not just about babysitting, I guess it’s also about wanting to be with me and the kids for a bit but nothing. It’s always dressed up as not wanting to interfere but when I had an infection recently in my wisdom tooth I would love if someone had interfered as I had to take my youngest and middle into the dentists and it was all just grim tbh... It just seems so different for people we know in RL.
Me and my dh do get babysitters but find that a lot of the time it’s pre Uni kids and obviously when they go to university or get a job they move on. Also generally it’s very difficult to get someone for ad hoc stuff .
I just feel frustrated and sad when I see it suggested here and in RL ; “get the grandparents over, can’t understand people who never take a break from their kids” etc. etc Do people really not understand? At the moment we can’t find a suitable babysitter, it’s 10 pounds an hour where we live ( not Uk ) so you’re talking a very expensive night out or walk etc . Or I had a particularly difficult baby and toddler while never, ever slept and was told to “get granny and family to help out”, they all knew I was massively struggling and did absolutely nothing.
Just a thought for people who think that some parents are trying to martyr themselves

Babysit swaps with mates?

Families suck stick with friends

I don't have a big family, it's just my dad now, and he takes the kids for 2 hours on a Saturday. Which is great and they all love it, but I hear you OP.

Honestly Vulpine all my friends have family to help out so they don’t need or want to do babysit swaps.

I sympathise OP. I do have my mum for support, but she's not in great health and it's not fair to rely on her too much. No one on DHs side for help (adopted, no contact anymore), none of the rest of my family even so much as drop me a text to see how we are. DS1 has ASD and babysitters are out of the question. The very few friends we have don't have kids of their own yet and don't "get it". We have to muddle through just the four of us really.

People don’t get it. We have no one. My mum died a few months ago, I don’t speak to my Dad, I am an only child. My dh doesn’t speak to his family / they don’t speak to him (long story). We only have each other. That’s it, and a child with disabilities and myself with health issues. It’s fucking hard. But we just muddle on, dh has nearly lost his job many times due to having to take time off for emergencies etc.

My parents help out a bit, my in-laws do absolutely nothing. I am so envious of my friend who has 2 sets of grandparents living nearby who can pick kids up from school, her mum cooks their dinner on a Tuesday, her fil drives the kids to activities. It feels like a safety net I just don't have.
And people with good family support have no idea what it's like to not have it.

I think it is worse this time of year when planning holiday cover and other people have family to do it.

Make new friends? Start a local babysitting group? I know its hard but ultimately that's part of the lifestyle of having kids. Many have no family to help out and as annoying as it is you can't really expect others to help if they don't want to.

Why does help only come from family?

I'm 300 miles from my nearest relative. 200 from dh's (except one who's useless; correct that, worse that useless)

We have never struggled to get babysitters or people to help from friends. It was always a case of who do we ask first rather than can we get a babysitter. We made sure we were available to help others, when we could, and were grateful when people helped us. When we asked for help we'd often offer it as a swap (can you babysit and would you like us to trim the tree you said needed doing)
If you've got you and dh, you can see if there's someone in a similar position that you will swap babysitting with. The most successful ones we had in those cases were when we agreed from the outset that we would always say "no" if we couldn't, or didn't fancy it.

Now our dc are older, we're paying it forward. We are the ones who go and help (or send the dc to go and help), and we don't expect to get anything from it. The people we are now helping, I'm sure will pass it on in 10-15 years too.

Bizarrely all of my family say lovely things and support through WhatsApp but that’s it. It’s really strange tbh , it’s like we are actually very disconnected. I won’t go on too much , it’s just something that’s I’ve noticed on a few threads “I’ve always packed mine off to the grandparents” Good for you.
Like in any case my parents are older now but I have loads of other family. Also I have an 8 year old and it’s always been like this. The couple of times ( yes around twice) I have needed them to mind the kids it was a huge deal and took massive organization.
I genuinely think some people don’t know how lucky they are. It must be such a massive help.

This was me too. The early years were hard and I had a similar dentist incident to you, with baby in pram in the room while I had some dental work done. It got easier when they were at school as at least I could do things like that then. Otherwise i just took them everywhere, did internet shopping and booked the occasional sitter. I guess other people, including family, just can't or don't want to get involved with other people's (even family's) children. I did used to be envious of people with very hands on grandparents too. I have even asked friends here where they board their dogs when they go away and loads have said "Oh my parents just come down and stay when we're away". Whaaaat?

I don’t think it’s surprising that people who don’t have personal experience of something don’t understand what it’s like. Hard to handle, but not surprising.

I feel for you OP, I really do. What's the point of family if you don't all support each other. Don't have any solutions but it's really tough to not have help.

Yes, I find it hardest when the kids are sick and I have to take time off work. Everyone else seems to have family nearby to step in. My DM is great but lives 2 hours away. DH's parents are even further and we hardly see them. We have a sibling each but they live near our parents and are both single and def not interested in babysitting.

I spent a lot of time feeling bitter about the fact my family would never be the sort to sit around the dinner table together at Christmas but meh, I got over it. I just started to realise how great my own small family unit is so I really don’t need the extended family too.

My family just aren’t really arsed, the only one who is is my Mum which is ironic because we did not get along one bit when I was growing up. Ever since I had my DC she has been a lifesaver. Transpires she’s a much better Gran than she ever was a Mum. I don’t see anyone else and my IL’s are useless too.

I mention help Vulpine but also is it really that crazy to expect family to go for the odd walk or to a playground once every couple of years or so?i actually have accepted it as I have to but everyone is allowed a moan occasionally, that’s the good thing about mn.
Also we do organize babysitters (which have all been great but generally they get other work as they are a certain age)
I’m lucky in many ways , I have lots of friends here but they all have some family who spend time who them and their kids.

Our families live hundreds of miles away so we've always had to cope without their support. We've started a babysitting group with about 6 other mums from my daughter's class so can have nights out whenever we want. We also do swaps with my daughter's friend's mum. E. G. We have her daughter sometimes in the day and she'll have my 2 kids if we need her to. Having these reciprocal arrangements with other parents is great as it helps all families involved. We're doing swaps during the summer hols too which will save a lot of money. If any of your kids are at school try and set up a babysitting group. We just suggested it to the whole class about then formed a WhatsApp group with those that were interested. There will be other families that need help too.

I totally accept the situation btw. I guess I just felt like a vent. Its mainly over others making presumptions like “just leave the kids with grandparents “
I helped out my sister and sil a lot pre-kids with their kids and I really enjoyed it. I loved spending time with my neices and nephews when they were small. Even though I didn’t have direct experience I absolutely could see that my sister and Sil and their dhs were tired from lack of sleep. I liked having that snapshot into the time of their kid’s lives and happily pushed them on swings etc.
But I appreciate that my many brothers and sisters aren’t arsed. l’m very lucky to have a great dh and wonderful kids.

OP, I know what you mean. Our family loved to see itself as very close because we had huge family get togethers in which the adults got drunk, my father lorded and bullied and the kids were completely ignored. My parents never baby sat, no one has ever had my kids overnight. DH and I only ever had one night away from them in nine years when a friend heard we'd never had a break and insisted on taking my DC for a sleepover. I used to pick up my sister's kids form school, sometimes last minute, travelling from Battersea to Hackney to make sure there was someone to collect them. I used to have my brothers kids for sleepovers from when they were babies, and stayed over for the home birth to look after my nephews but no one was ever around for my two. Loads of lip service but no concrete support. I gave up. I have distanced myself and feel much happier.

My kids are adults now but we never go help from family (either side) at all when they were little despite then ppm helping out our siblings. They never took our kids to the park, or an afternoon out or to the cinema nor did they have a sleepover, yet all our nieces and nephews have had that and holidays with grandparents. We had to pay for babysitters, which like you say, can make whatever you are doing quite expensive.

What upsets most, now, is my children don't have any memories of doing anything with their grandparents other than either sitting in my house or their houses. I've got such lovely memories of doing things with mine and it stings to know my children will never have that.

I've four kids. When they were little I thought it was too much work for anyone who I wasn't paying to look after. I preferred it that way to be honest. Also, I'm sure my parents would have helped me if I was genuinely stuck.

I think if you can and do pay for babysitters sometimes then your family are not going to think you need their help. Iykwim.

My siblings used to get my parents to babysit but I did notice that they didn't used to ever offer to help my parents out with things in return. (I didn't say anything but I did notice 👀👀)
Do you and you husband help your family out in anyway? If not could you offer to do a mornings gardening in return for some babysitting? Or something similar.

Hi Kyogre, we have done lots and regularly offer as I think that’s what family is for. As I said previously I babysat a lot for my brothers and sisters pre kids. My dh is pretty handy and we always say we can do jobs etc. I didn’t think I was expecting too much but totally get that family dynamics are different

I don't have a big family, it's just my dad now, and he takes the kids for 2 hours on a Saturday. Which is great and they all love it, but I hear you OP.

This pp kind of proves the point doesn't it? So many people think that they don't have help but actually have more than they realise. It can feel like parenting without a safety net when there's really no one. Of course it's our own choice to have the DCs, I don't think my family owe me babysitting and we sort it out with friends and paid help... But it does really bother me when people say things like the above, it's so ungrateful to people like this pps dad who actually provide quite a lot of support, and also would be so comforting to know that there is a loving person to provide backup in an emergency.

I know how you feel, OP. It's only when I look back that I realise that my own family were absolutely useless and not very kind. And yes, it is hard not to have anyone for emergencies.