To think some people don’t understand what it’s like to have zero family support

[Ironandwhine1]

As the title says , I have seen it here and on numerous occasions experienced it in RL.
I have lots and lots of family, I come from a very large family. I have 3 pretty young dcs. Not once has a single family member offered to have my kids, neither of my parents has ever gone for a walk or to the playground etc with me and the kids. My single sister visits regularly but times it so she comes down an hour before bedtime and leaves when she gets up. She also arranged to go out where we live and never offers for me and my husband to go out. The one time I asked her to babysit (in 7 years), we went out for the day for 4 hours and she made a reference to “milking it”.
Bizarrely they talk a lot about family and the importance of family when in reality I rarely see them and when we do it is strictly a half hour coffee while literally just looking at the kids. BTW it’s not just about babysitting, I guess it’s also about wanting to be with me and the kids for a bit but nothing. It’s always dressed up as not wanting to interfere but when I had an infection recently in my wisdom tooth I would love if someone had interfered as I had to take my youngest and middle into the dentists and it was all just grim tbh... It just seems so different for people we know in RL.
Me and my dh do get babysitters but find that a lot of the time it’s pre Uni kids and obviously when they go to university or get a job they move on. Also generally it’s very difficult to get someone for ad hoc stuff .
I just feel frustrated and sad when I see it suggested here and in RL ; “get the grandparents over, can’t understand people who never take a break from their kids” etc. etc Do people really not understand? At the moment we can’t find a suitable babysitter, it’s 10 pounds an hour where we live ( not Uk ) so you’re talking a very expensive night out or walk etc . Or I had a particularly difficult baby and toddler while never, ever slept and was told to “get granny and family to help out”, they all knew I was massively struggling and did absolutely nothing.
Just a thought for people who think that some parents are trying to martyr themselves

I completely understand OP. When we had our son, my mum was just as excited as us, it was almost like she was having another one lol (I must admit it annoyed me at times) but I knew we would always be OK as she was a great mum and will be a great support to me (son is my 1st and wasn't very maternal before), and would be an equally great nana, she had waited years for this.

And she was for just 6 months, Then she had a chest infection, which was then diagnosed as secondary breast cancer that moved to her chest and she died within 2 months, I am completely broken. My husband is amazing but I know what a support she would have been. So I always grieve what would have been.

My father comes over once a week to see us. He works long hours so can't really do any childcare, I am lucky that he loves my son so much that he would love to help but just can't.

I take my son to visit my in-laws every week as I do think family is important, but they have never offered to take my son for the night or a few hours, or come to me so I could do some jobs here while they spend time with him. (I am not resentful about that at all though, as I don't expect it and they are lovely people)

It's little things that bring it home to me, I'm not bothered about nights out ( I partied plenty before we had our son, so couldn't think of anything worse lol) when I'm ill, it is just magnified as I have no one to just come and watch him, so I can vomit in peace.

When I need my monthly bloods taking he has to come with me and wait for 2 hours while we "take a number" and wait in the waiting room.

I am however envious of people who still have their closest relative with them for support as it would be so lovely, but not envious in a horrible way, in a, that's lovely for them sort of way.

I don't however expect others really to understand just how that feels. I think Others can try and empathise but it will always be a secondary thought to them as its not their norm, and that's ok.

Sorry for long a rambling post, didn't expect it myself 😂😂

Sorry for your loss Bourbonbiccy ... your mum sounds wonderful xx

Thanks @babbi she really was, all my friends had a special nickname for her as she was like their mum as well and did an awful lot for them, but i also do appreciate other people have it a lot harder, but someone once said to me "other people might be struggling, but my shit is always worse as its happening to me " and I do kind of understand that as well.

Your family sounds amazing as do you. Your friends are lucky to have one so thoughtful x

I'm with you op. We can't set up a babysitting circle (believe me I've tried) because everyone else already has family babysitters. And with dd1 having asd, we can't use an agency. So we're stuffed, basically. And it's fine generally, we're pretty independent, but when there's no one to cover when you have a medical appointment, even for 15 minutes/30 minutes, it's not easy. Recently had to cancel one appointment permanently as they don't allow children in the room and she's too young to be left outside the room by herself

I lost sympathy when you mentioned DH. I thought you said you had NO support. You have a DH. All us single parents will just have laughed at that point.
I'm a widow with no parents. I have siblings but not all nearby and they have busy lives of their own. We rally round in a crisis but day to day stuff- babysitting so I could go out?- I wouldn't dream of asking since they've all got enough on their hands with their own families and busy lives.
What do you do for your family members? You seem to expect the support to be one way, simply because you have children.

It is frustrating but at least when they visit they keep it short and sweet. Imagine having family who turned up unannounced, wanting to off load all their woes and get a cup of tea/dinner made for them, all the while ignoring GC.

DH and I go it alone apart from the occasional babysitter and in an emergency, dragging said useless family member to sit with the kids for the shortest time possible and then having to listen to how much she helped us for the next 3 years.

I can't change my parents but I know that I will offer all the help I can if I have any grandchildren. I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

Yep I am in this category. I have 2 primary school aged kids, no family within a few hours drive. It is tough and I am so envious of people who have grandparents who babysit near by (by DS’s best friend has his grandparents on the same street).

My kids have no cousins, our families are small and on top of this my mother died 3 months ago. I would chat on the phone daily to her although she lived too far away and was too ill for years to help. I miss her so much.

I think people with family help do not often realise how lucky they are not just for the emotional support but for the financial support too. I rarely go out with my DH, because it costs a fortune in babysitting costs for us to go out together. And financially childcare with no family help it is tougher. I have cousins who basically got and still get free childcare from their parents.

@bourbonbiccy your Mum sounds absolutely lovely I'm so sorry for your loss. My parents in law were totally, totally amazing and would drive 2 hours to help us out but FIL had a massive heart attack when he was 64 and passed away and MIL had cancer that just wouldn't fuck off.

You would think that my parents would be around for them both passing away and think oh God life is so precious we had best spend time with our Grandkids but no. When MIL passed I went down to help my husband sort the house and my Mum had our smallest. I got a call asking when I was going to come pick him up (2 hour drive) as she needed to do the ironing. That was the beginning of the end for me.

If you’re not in the U.K. is it a different culture where families are more nuclear?

I got very frustrated with this when dcs were younger.

I have one gp who lives close by but doesn’t even remember little ones birthdays!

All us single parents will just have laughed at that point.

Well that’s lovely isn’t it? Someone’s talking about how much they’re struggling, and you reckon anyone having it harder would laugh? Charming.

I have it harder than many and not as hard as others. I can still be empathetic when someone is having a hard time.

Of course it’s easier to have kids with a partner than to be a single parent (in most cases, but obviously not all, if your partner is abusive etc). But having or not having a partner, and having or not having external support are two different things and come with different benefits and challenges.

A mum I know had very premature twins as a single parent, in NICU for five months and lots of health issues since. It’s been extremely difficult for her day to day, but she’s got a massive and very supportive family. She’s had family either staying a couple of nights a week or taking the twins for her overnight ever since they came home from hospital. A family member will have one twin when she’s in hospital with the other, will look after them when she has appointments etc. She has more practical help than someone who has no family and whose partner works away during the week or works long hours for example, and she gets regular “nights off” to sleep and recuperate which many parents without family support don’t.

Obviously she also faces challenges I don’t have to face because I’m married, and I can empathise with those. She empathises with our lack of family support and respite.

This is basic human decency, it’s not that complicated. It’s not a bloody competition. Motherhood is extremely difficult for many of us, other people having it harder doesn’t make it any easier to cope.

All my family live hundreds of miles away. I have never had any babysitting for that reason BUT we also don’t get to see them for a coffee now and again, which I would love to do. I do sympathise to some extent but do consider that there is always someone having it much harder than you (those who have literally no family, no partner, in extreme poverty etc, etc). I have been apt to complain a little about this kind of thing (at work etc) but I always feel a bit crap afterwards thinking that there are then single parents there with parents who have died and no siblings....

I’m in the same position. It’s really, really hard. You see your life stretching out ahead. I was at work with a colleague recently who was sympathising with me and saying she’s in the same boat - which was completely untrue because the previous week her children had spent a whole week st her mother’s house to help with summer childcare.

People think they get it, they really don’t.

I have DH and he has me and we are each others respite. I know that's more than some but it's still hard, especially with SEN thrown into the mix and aging parents several hundred miles away increasingly dependant on us.

The thing I find hardest is friends talking about having nights away from their children. I miss having time just with my DH, we're both weary after 13 years and it would be nice to have time for just us two. The DC have both been separately on school trips but never sleepovers, just one night away together would be amazing.

I am laughing ruefully at her assertion she has "ZERO support" not at her difficulties. Having a DH is not having zero support.

Oh FGS it's not top trumps.

I am laughing ruefully at her assertion she has "ZERO support" not at her difficulties

FFS its not bottom trumps.

I had no family anywhere near and my partner needed as much care as the kids, I was the provider, carer, mother and everything to a family of young children as well as the partner.

So I guess I get to laugh ruefully at you as you had no partner but also none to care for?

We all have different difficulties to deal with. Instead of sneering at someone describing theirs and playing bottom trumps perhaps your extensive experience of "having it worse" could enable you to share some suggestions or at least a bit of bloody empathy.

I’m definitely struggling more now that DH is unwell too. We both have chronic conditions (degenerative in DH’s case). We were getting by just about ok until he had to stop work but it feels very difficult indeed now. When he was unable to work before (fixable injury) I was able to take on everything, but then I got ill myself. Then as he got better he took on more because I couldn’t any more... and this time there’s nothing left for either of us to give. It would be lovely to have someone in the family to say hey, things sound crap, go catch up on sleep or just have a conversation that doesn’t involve your kids’ education (they can’t attend school due to their needs, so it’s all on us) or SN or the million and one things that need doing or paying for, and I’ll watch the kids, even just for an hour.

I know I am lucky compared to some though. We are in HA housing now, with cheap rent and security - this is a HUGE advantage compared to last time when we were worrying about eviction when DH couldn’t work, or compared to a family with a mortgage to pay. He is around at home all the time so I can get out of the house sometimes, and the home education side is definitely easier now there are two of us. As per my previous post my parents do help out a little with money sometimes which many don’t get at all.

It’s all swings and roundabouts though isn’t it. Nothing like this can be compared directly as there are so many factors. The advantages I have now don’t mean I’m not increasingly close to (autistic) breakdown and thinking constantly of running away or not being here anymore.

We can all count our individual blessings while acknowledging the shit stuff, and do the same for others.

We are in this position, we have quite a lot of close family nearby but none are interested in lending a hand here and there with the kids.

My kids have been to everything with me: dentist, meetings, disability assessments, funerals, work etc etc, i very occasionally ask friends but having an asd child has been quite isolating and i dont have a lot of friends who understand.

Babysitters are difficult, expensive and the kids just arent used to being left with strangers - one has asd which complicates things.

I cant imagine not wanting to help my kids out when they are adults- i dont mean childcare for work but the odd afternoon or evening, taking them to the park, just being involved. I actually dont know how my dad (our kids only grandparent) can live with himself.

I appreciate that single parents dont have a co-parent to lean on, that must be really hard. If the ex partner is involved then that is good in terms of shared childcare and overnights.

I think the thing i am sad about is the lack of people who just love my kids. When i was a child there were loving grandparents, aunts, cousins etc who all loved seeing us, doing things with us and spoiling is. I feel weekends stretch out ahead of us with no family to spend time with. My brother lives a prohibitive distance away but when we stay with them i see how easy laid back
Family group time is and how much fun it us for the kids and feel sad its a rare occasion for us.

If my mum was still alive things would be very different, she would at least shown a basic level
Of love and support to us.

You've likely never met a parent of a disabled child who bothered to spend any time looking after disabled kids prior to choosing to have their own child. This is an easy way to give you a good idea of the kind of work it involves and whether you're suited to it. And yes, this is something I did, volunteering to help families with disabled kids as a young woman

Children with disabilities aren't some kind of social experiment to suck it and see ffs.

Your entire post is grossly offensive, but that stood out in particular.

So do you have kids MirriVan? If you know you couldn't look at a child with a disability, how have you avoided that? I'm asking in particular as my DC's neurodisability wasn't diagnosed until he was seven and wasn't apparent in close family. What should we have done differently?

*look after not look at

Oh and turning up to help gives you absolutely no idea of what having your own child with a disablity is like. Any more than the odd stint babysitting would prepare you for having your own baby.