To think some people don’t understand what it’s like to have zero family support

[Ironandwhine1]

As the title says , I have seen it here and on numerous occasions experienced it in RL.
I have lots and lots of family, I come from a very large family. I have 3 pretty young dcs. Not once has a single family member offered to have my kids, neither of my parents has ever gone for a walk or to the playground etc with me and the kids. My single sister visits regularly but times it so she comes down an hour before bedtime and leaves when she gets up. She also arranged to go out where we live and never offers for me and my husband to go out. The one time I asked her to babysit (in 7 years), we went out for the day for 4 hours and she made a reference to “milking it”.
Bizarrely they talk a lot about family and the importance of family when in reality I rarely see them and when we do it is strictly a half hour coffee while literally just looking at the kids. BTW it’s not just about babysitting, I guess it’s also about wanting to be with me and the kids for a bit but nothing. It’s always dressed up as not wanting to interfere but when I had an infection recently in my wisdom tooth I would love if someone had interfered as I had to take my youngest and middle into the dentists and it was all just grim tbh... It just seems so different for people we know in RL.
Me and my dh do get babysitters but find that a lot of the time it’s pre Uni kids and obviously when they go to university or get a job they move on. Also generally it’s very difficult to get someone for ad hoc stuff .
I just feel frustrated and sad when I see it suggested here and in RL ; “get the grandparents over, can’t understand people who never take a break from their kids” etc. etc Do people really not understand? At the moment we can’t find a suitable babysitter, it’s 10 pounds an hour where we live ( not Uk ) so you’re talking a very expensive night out or walk etc . Or I had a particularly difficult baby and toddler while never, ever slept and was told to “get granny and family to help out”, they all knew I was massively struggling and did absolutely nothing.
Just a thought for people who think that some parents are trying to martyr themselves

You could have described my in-laws there. My parents died 6/7 years ago and were completely hands on with my eldest - she just about still remembers my Mum, she adored her. My in-laws make all of this fuss about family and how important it is but see the girls perhaps once every 2/3 months and just sit expect me to wait on them and don’t interact with the kids at all. I had an amazing relationship with my Granny and I just feel very sad that my girls won’t ever get to experience that. I know it’s their choice and I can’t force it but I can’t help that feeling of sadness. They never ask to see the girls. Their great grandad asks to see the girls more than they do. My eldest sister and I do help each other out but we both work and it’s not easy. (Youngest sister is not reliable.) Thankfully I have a great childminder and a supply of elder teenage babysitters thanks to various friends but it isn’t easy. And yes I do get jealous of my friends who can arrange to go out and say oh grandparents have them.

It's really hard OP. I live 200 miles away from my family and the In Laws are in South Africa, so no family help for us either. We are lucky in that one of Dh's colleagues loves babysitting.

But then i see threads on here where parents are so possessive of their kids that they can't bear the Grandparents to have them for a few hours, and one bonkers thread where mum and dad don't want Granny to pop in and visit the grandchild when he's in hospital. I honestly don't know whats wrong with some people, they don't know how lucky they are.

Worse than that though are the ppl who insist they have damn all help EVEN THOUGH THEY DO.

"Oh I don't like to ask Mum to help out now she's older" and in the next breath a story about dropping the kids over to Mum whilst they went to the dentist. Oh but it didn't count as it was only 2 hours tops!

Then a story about going to a wedding and the kids being farmed out to the grandparents oh but it doesn't count as it was only for one night and it was their first wedding this year!

Then a story about bringing Mum on holiday with them which sounds so generous but it becomes apparent that the grandmother was asked or heavily hinted at to look after the baby in the apartment in the mornings so they could have some child free time at the pool.

But these people claim they get next to no help at all! And they totally understand the struggle!

And you're sitting there dumbfounded.

We're the same. 3dcs and no support. Lots of fb and whatsapp love but nothing practical. My parents live 5 hours away but only visit on the way somewhere else, so for a few hours. Never help at bedtime or teatime etc.
But I do wonder about the role of grandparents as families change. Lots of couples wait until late 30s or 40s to have children. So soon grandparents could easily be 80 by the time they are expected to help out with childcare. That is too old in my opinion. They should be slowing down and being lookes after at that age. So we can't have it both ways.
Some people expect to be able to wait to have kids and have support, but I can see that beconing more difficult.

I have help, but I am still agree that YANBU!

The simple fact that some posters don't seem to comprehend that not everybody lives in the same village and not everybody has family around full stop.
Let alone the fact that some families don't help.

How is that so hard to understand I don't know.

The only member of my family that I see is a cousin, she has my son once every 3/4 weeks over night. My friends see him much more, play with him etc.

Sharing DNA with someone doesn’t mean you have to get on or even want to spend time together.

My DW and I have never had any help from anyone other than a kindly elderly neighbour a few times where we used to live.

Her parents live quite far away, we are NC with mine. It’s hard as fuck at times.

There are advantages though. We don’t owe anyone anything and don’t have to deal with the messed up mind games, power struggles and odd dynamics that tend to crop up with close involved GPs etc.

I hear you, DH and I have had 2 hours child free time since the youngest was born (20 months ago) and that was when I waited until she fell asleep and then left her with mum sitting next to her on the sofa so we could go to the local. But even then I wouldn’t have gone if 11yo autistic DD wasn’t there too in case she woke up, as she’s more interested in the toddler than my mum is.

They do help out a bit financially though like they’ve paid for some therapy for me which I couldn’t afford otherwise. So I do really appreciate that and I know many don’t have that either.

Can’t you put them in a nursery for a couple of hours a week if you need a break?

God yes!! And @ElspethFlashman exactly that!!

My own parents are dead and my DHs family live abroad. We’ve Had no help from family at all. No nights away, no weddings, no holidays without the kids, no dentist visit without bringing the kids with me, no gp visit, no popping to the shop - to get a bottle of milk I’d have to get both kids up and dressed and out the door. No lie in, no date night. I remember nearly choking on jealousy when a distant relative (DHs mums partners daughter - sort of SIL?) explained how they got the weekend chilling on the sofa watching Netflix because they had 3 sets of grandparents fighting over taking their kids out. I’d have enjoyed being able to go to the loo by myself at that point.

It’s got a lot easier now the kids are a bit older, and I’ve made some really good school mum friends who we can now call on in emergencies (and I reciprocate obvs). I’ve used babysitters in the past, but I think there’s another issue with kids who have no family around. Because of my family situation, my kids were completely unused to not being around me, or rather, being with someone else for a period of time. They didn’t have a grandma to stay with when they were little, so they would freak out a bit if I bought a random babysitter to the house and then just left. My kids circle of adults was so small. So I totally understand the frustration with finding suitable babysitters too. It’s much more than a case of getting any old 16 yr old to sit in my living room.

It was really tough when the kids were small. For about 7 years, until they were both at school, I reckon. But I kept telling myself it would have been so much harder if I was a single parent too!

I totally got get it, OP. Mine and my husband’s families are either overseas or several hundred miles away and unable to help even if they were closer due to old age etc. Husband works very long hours, so I have had no family support whatsoever. Friends have been amazing and kept me sane but they all have family to help loads so I can’t keep asking too much or it becomes too much of a one way street and isn’t fair on the friendships. It’s tough but mine a bit older now (still primary age) and it’s getting easier by the minute. The kids and I are just a little team who get on with it. I’ve taught them to be more independent than I think I would otherwise and it’s good for them. We have our ups and downs like all families but I think our aloneness has made us strong. My own upbringing was the same. Grandparents all dead by time I was born and my parents were only children. Goodness we argued but we were/are a tight unit. Hang on in there, it will get easier.

People really don’t understand. We have twin toddlers, both have disabilities.

Neither of us have a relationship with our fathers. My mum died before I got pregnant. His mum lives about 3 hours away and visits maybe twice a year (and has never spent so much as 30 seconds on her own with the boys).

I have a brother who lives nearby who I never hear from unless he needs something. He’d never offer to help.

I have a sister who lives a couple of hours away and works very long hours - she’s come down just to see us babysit while we go out for dinner twice last year, which I was so grateful for.

DH has a sister who lives about four hours away and since our twins were diagnosed with autism she’s completely blanked us.

We have no one. I have a few lovely twin mum friends but they all have their hands full and all have family to help so they don’t need to do babysitting swaps etc.

We tried to go to the cinema on Monday while the boys were at nursery, for my birthday. Just as the trailers started nursery called us to say we had to pick one up as he’d scratched off some of his chicken pox scabs and they thought they might be contagious. We had no one to call so we left.

It really kicked off a big breakdown for me, I didn’t give a shit about missing the film or anything, just the realisation that we are so alone. If anything happened to DH or to me I don’t know what we would do.

It’s so hard and people have no idea.

I don't have any help and am also a single parent. My parents used to make a lot of noise about helping but would be so moody and unpleasant about it and make it clear what a huge encumbrance it was that I gave up asking them. Ex in laws live 300 miles away and are focussed on their daughters and their much younger children. Mine are older now but I have been out once socially in four years and have been single for eight years. It is what it is, I am used to it now. I don't resent anyone but I do roll my eyes at the masses of congrats and back patting one of my siblings gets for how wonderful she is with her kids. She's married to a very supportive man with loving and caring family/in-laws, and he basically takes over when he comes home from work. I think most of us could do a great job under those circumstances.

My family did nothing unless other people where watching
I.e she’d run me to Tesco and just walk off leaving me to manage the trolley and kids
Then tell everyone ‘I do it all for her’
She never had the kids overnight and babysat once (never heard the end of that)
It’s shit it really is it’s the never ending cycle of never catching a break
I did have my tribe in my friends but even that wasn’t much in the way of a break
Someone did tell me it gets easier as they get older which is true-they start school but then you feel your wishing their life away

I get where you are coming from, some people just can't emphasise. We have this from family members that do get support from GPs. It hurts my heart that no-one has been to an assembly or nativity despite finding the time for other GC. .I've been in hospital for a serious illness, no cover for a single day of the school holidays or when DC was ill. Like others have said, I accept their limitations and don't owe anyone anything.

Setting up reciprocal baby sitting is much easier said than done. There was no-one in our position and most had gp support and weren't interested. Also when everyone works full time it's hard to find people. Our after-school club was £££ but an absolute lifesaver. If we want to go to the cinema, we take a day off work together. We also tag team each other for nights out. I'm off to Prague in Oct and DH will be here. This coming week I'll be out Friday and DH on Sunday. It sometimes takes an enormous effort to get out there, but it's important to have friends.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and it's much easier now the DC is older and I can definitely see a time that they will be ok on their own.

Controversially our siblings DC get absolutely spoilt rotten, mostly because GPs are understandably feeling their age.

My DH is in the armed forces so I sympathise. Nearest family atm are about 2.5 hours drive away.

My friends who do have family support have always been understanding because they're nice people. I've also not come across many people who have assumed I have family help.

I get it's difficult, I was a single parent for a long time but when I decided to continue with a pregnancy I went into parenting without the expectation of family help to be fair. And no I don't have an ex who split childcare with me or helped financially (conception was through rape).

I think the key is to make friends with kind compassionate people who listen to your problems etc

This thread is ringing a big cord with me unfortunately :0( .. taking all your posts in at the moment

I understand. DH;s parents are dead. Mine live an 8 hour plane ride away. When the Dcs were young, DH worked abroad for 4 years, coming fomr for a weekend every 5-6 weeks or so.

I remember once getting a D&V bug. I was literally on my own. I can recall dragging myself along the floor trying to get to the kitchen to heat up the formula and make DC1 baked beans for dinner while stopping myself from vomiting. I felt the lack of support prettyn hard then. Not helped by my cousin (who does not even understand how much support she has and takes it for granted) posting that weekend on fb about how her mum had taken the kids so she and her DH could go to Italy for the week. (Her mum lived a 10 minute drive away - last week moved into the house literally next door so she could help out more). I am actually very envious of that. My parnets- although loving etc will come and stay with us 1-2 times a year but they will not even keep an eye on the kids WHILE THEY ARE STAYING AT OUR HOME WHILE ON HOLIDAY so we can go out for dinner as they say they don;t feel comfortable about being in charge of someone else's kids (their own grandkids).

And I can;t set up reciprocal babysitting because there is quite honestly no-one around who is able to do that. People have family to help out (smallish village). If we want childcare we have to buy it in and that can add alot of money on top of an expensive night out- additionally our trusted babysitters have a bad habit of having lives of their own, going off to university etc! I have used online websites for childcare but don't want to use stranegrs (even DBS checked sytranegrs) too often. Our solution now is that DH and I go out separately. I am out tonight for example-0 we got invited to a dinner party, which is defintiely adults only. After exhausting our babysitting options I will go on my own. DH has been to several functions on his own also. Eldest is 9 now so we say that in a few years time things will be different, but for noiw we simply just are stuck.

YANBU

At least we went into parenting knowing that practical family support wasn't avaliable, and I suspect our postion of long-distance relatives, at the wrong stage of life who are pleasant is better than the local type who make promising noises and don't deliver.

Babysitting circles don't work when there isn't a circle of reciprocating. I do occasionally ask a favour in the absence of other options, but I don't want to be a one-way cheeky fucker. I'm actually astonished at hown many local families do have local, conveniently aged family! My parents are still young enough to have to work F/T and my grandparents are far too old even if they were local.

It was a significant factor in becoming a SAHP. We simply couldn't sustain two parents working 100+ hours per week with no back up. Nursery years were fine, but the patchwork of school years provision particularly for the holidays was too messy and stressful for us and the DCs.

My Mum will tell all her friends/ work colleagues etc. how much she adores her grandkids, but in reality rarely bothers to see them and she’s very hands off when she does. She had 3 under 3 so should know how hard it is.

Have you actually asked them to help? I find my Mum doesn’t offer but will babysit if I ask her to.

We have family around us but no one we can leave ds with because his needs are too great.

I get this all the time. DH and I are both immigrants and all of our relatives are on the other side of the world. This was our own choice and we are ok with it.

However the amount of times people tell me that I should just ask family to babysit for me... Honestly I sometimes think they're doing it to twist the knife? I have to politely remind them that it would take my family several days, and over £1200 to get to me.
They don't have the time or the money. We don't have that option.

As others have said you need good friends to help with this stuff. I've found it really helpful to befriend other parents. Offer to babysit lots and be generous. As long as they are decent people it will all come back to you. It's an absolute life saver to know there's a few mates you could call on in an emergency to take the kids for a few hours.