To think some people don’t understand what it’s like to have zero family support

[Ironandwhine1]

As the title says , I have seen it here and on numerous occasions experienced it in RL.
I have lots and lots of family, I come from a very large family. I have 3 pretty young dcs. Not once has a single family member offered to have my kids, neither of my parents has ever gone for a walk or to the playground etc with me and the kids. My single sister visits regularly but times it so she comes down an hour before bedtime and leaves when she gets up. She also arranged to go out where we live and never offers for me and my husband to go out. The one time I asked her to babysit (in 7 years), we went out for the day for 4 hours and she made a reference to “milking it”.
Bizarrely they talk a lot about family and the importance of family when in reality I rarely see them and when we do it is strictly a half hour coffee while literally just looking at the kids. BTW it’s not just about babysitting, I guess it’s also about wanting to be with me and the kids for a bit but nothing. It’s always dressed up as not wanting to interfere but when I had an infection recently in my wisdom tooth I would love if someone had interfered as I had to take my youngest and middle into the dentists and it was all just grim tbh... It just seems so different for people we know in RL.
Me and my dh do get babysitters but find that a lot of the time it’s pre Uni kids and obviously when they go to university or get a job they move on. Also generally it’s very difficult to get someone for ad hoc stuff .
I just feel frustrated and sad when I see it suggested here and in RL ; “get the grandparents over, can’t understand people who never take a break from their kids” etc. etc Do people really not understand? At the moment we can’t find a suitable babysitter, it’s 10 pounds an hour where we live ( not Uk ) so you’re talking a very expensive night out or walk etc . Or I had a particularly difficult baby and toddler while never, ever slept and was told to “get granny and family to help out”, they all knew I was massively struggling and did absolutely nothing.
Just a thought for people who think that some parents are trying to martyr themselves

Mirrivan I’ve no idea how anyone gets a paid for childcare professional in an emergency situation, do you seriously think that’s a practical suggestion?

I had the same too when my older ds were small and I am a single parent. My parents just didn't offer- they worked full time which was just an excuse as they would have my sisters dc. I had an amazing babysitter though and if it wasn't for her I wouldnt have been able to do anything.

The crunch came when I got meningitis. My mum said she couldn't take any time off work to have the dc, so she went and got my babysitter to look after the them. She then told everyone how worried she was about me!

I remember once getting a D&V bug. I was literally on my own. I can recall dragging myself along the floor trying to get to the kitchen to heat up the formula and make DC1 baked beans for dinner while stopping myself from vomiting. I felt the lack of support prettyn hard then

When me, DH and the twins all had norovirus I literally didn’t know how we would survive. I remember holding a vomiting DT2 over the bath while I vomited in the toilet and/or over his back.

Emergency childcare - under what circumstances could that be useful, even if you could afford it?

Nursery calls and says your child is ill, you need to pick them up - wouldn’t work

Whole family has vomiting bug - wouldn’t work

Middle of the night appendix ruptured? Maybe, for the next day

If my mum were alive then I wouldn’t rely on her taking care of the kids regularly, but clearly you don’t understand how stressful it is when there’s absolutely no one to call, no one who gives a shit about you and/or your kids, etc.

I obviously knew we wouldn’t have family around but I didn’t anticipate how hard that would be.

Same as pp, my family lived on the other side of the world. Dh and I just got on with it, including dealing with d&v bugs wiping us all out.

I laughed when visiting home once and my cousin told me she knew how I felt as her DM lived 45 minutes away. Her DM minded her DC 2 days every week

I'm home now and thoroughly enjoying all the help we are getting. Although my DP still live 40 minutes away, it's bloody lovely having support after 8 years.

have you tried googling emergency childcare and seen the shit tun of agencies

Yeah I’m sure they will send someone over in minutes as you wait for the ambulance ...

And in an emergency do you have time to check credentials and references of a complete stranger? It’s not as if you’d be able to sit down and interview them! Seriously it’s not a sensible suggestion!

And as for blaming people for not thinking ahead, you do realise sometimes people’s circumstances change? They may have had good reason to anticipate help from family to help but for various reasons that help becomes unavailable.

OP I totally hear you, my parents talk a lot about how much they love their GC and how helpful they are, but they visit us maybe 3/4 times a year and when they are here they are waited on and have never offered to take the DC anywhere, not even to play in the garden so I can load the dishwasher.
Oldest DC is nearly 4 and my DM has looked after him once so DP and I could go to a wedding, and I still hear about it every time we speak.

My DC come to all appointments, smears, meetings, parties, everything because I simply have no one. DP works away, it would be amazing to have someone who could hold a baby while I shower, but they just can't be arsed.

Yes, I find people say "oh, can't you just get your mum/mil/etc to babysit?". No, no we can't.

We literally have zero family help. When the kids were small, we didn't go on a date together for almost 5 years. Childminders in our area ask for minimum £10.50-12 oh hour, minimum 3 hours, with extra on too for extra kids so that priced us out of stranger childcare. I don't blame them for not understanding, but it gets a bit tiring having to explain for the umpteenth time why I can't just go out in the evening.

My DC come to all appointments, smears, meetings, parties, everything because I simply have no one. DP works away, it would be amazing to have someone who could hold a baby while I shower, but they just can't be arsed

^^ This.

We're very lucky in that my parents and DP's parents are very involved and help with childcare so I know we're very fortunate.
But I have a close friend whose family are lovely but, like yours, when asked to actually help, decline or make an enormous fuss or excuse. She mentioned this a few times and I knew her and her DH hadn't been out as a pair since their son was born over a year ago so I offered to babysit and she did take me up on it, I was really pleased to help. Do you have any close friends who you could just openly talk about it with and ask if they'll come and babysit for the odd night to help you?

I hear you. My mum died when I was a teen and my Dad has a GF who doesn't want to know us. Funny thing is both her and my Dad do absolutely loads for her DGC. He's more than capable but doesn't want to know about helping me with my DC. I was in the car with him and my DC once and I asked him if I could jump out at the lights to go to a shop (2 mins walk from my house) and him take my DC back home with him and I'll be back in 10 mins. He did it but had a massive gob on for hours.

In 14 years my in-laws have babysat for me - once! My SIL, who lives 10 mins away has never offered.

Now my oldest is able to babysit the younger and I don't need any help. In a couple of years he will be able to drive and even better!

It used to upset me but now I am OK with it because when anyone calls upon me to help them out in their old age I will be otherwise engaged.

My family lives quite far from us, we are NC with dp family. We have a 2 yr old and 6 week old. When I went into labour, we were lucky friends could help us look after our 2 yr old. But on a day to day basis? Everyone has their own life/family/jobs/kids and as such, we have been out once since our 2 year old was born. I see people I know with families around that do lots/ are more involved. It makes me sad at times, but more for the kids not having that than for us not getting help.

That's me!
I even thought I'd have to go to hospital to give birth on my own because my husband had to look after the other children.

I feel a bit sad for my kids as well, that they just don't have that wider family network.

I hear you. We had a little family support in the first year, then it tailed off completely. I remember her lovely childminder taking my dd the weekend dh and I came down with a tummy bug - I will never forget that kindness - which I was able to repay. Lack of family support has been instrumental in our decision to only have one child and in mine to get a school hours only job. There is a bit of resentment as s-in-l lives around the corner from m-in-l with daily childcare- so they put their careers first and now earn a great deal more than us. But I am proud of what we have managed on our own. And dd is nearly as the stage where I can put my career first again.

I’m very lucky with the support I get from family and friends, but I do recognise that and regularly offer to babysit / help with those friends (and work colleagues) who don’t have the same support. Some won’t take me up on a few hours but will come to a park or on a walk which I think can help slightly.

Your friends probably do find it hard to appreciate when they are getting support just how helpful it is to hold a baby whilst you run around cleaning/cooking/showering etc or have a much needed time to yourself.

@ElspethFlashman

Absolutely. My parents are 4,000 miles away and my in-laws are 400 miles away. My parents jump at the chance to have their grandchildren and would do so in a second. My in-laws visit twice a year for our sons’ birthdays and have never offered to watch our sons once so we can have a few hours alone. We head up to see them 5-8 times a year. Hub asked his mum weeks in advance our last visit to watch our sons for a few hours so we could have dinner with another couple (10 minutes away), she cancels 15 minutes before we head out the door, no warning, no apology (at least to me). Yet, watches her other grandchildren every week. I internally eyeroll every time she says she knows how it is to have no support. Her entire family all live in the same village, she sees her sisters 1-2x a week because they all live less than 10 minutes from each other, she’ll tell me about places she’s been to with fil while hub was a kid and husband talks about him and his siblings spending time at his grandparents and aunts home every week growing up so obviously she had family support. How she factors this as having no help is beyond me.

My husband considered moving closer to his family but I think he’s realised that if we can’t even get a bit of support living far away we’re likely not to get much being close either. We haven’t had dinner alone together since August last year and before that it was after I had our second in Oct 2017. We take turns going out alone.

We bit the bullet and paid for nursery for our oldest and will pay for our youngest once the oldest is in reception in September. One of the nursery workers at son’s nursery does babysitting so we finally have someone who we know to watch them so we can have a date night hopefully sometime this month or next.

I get it. My parents - DF died 2009, DM died 2013.

DP's parents - 81 yr old DF (pretty sprightly, but still no spring chicken), DM dead before we ever met. DP's DB & SIL - not very willing to babysit. SIL will say "nobody ever babysat for us so we could go out", but that's because our many offers were turned down due to her not wanting to leave her youngest DC (they were diagnosed autistic quite late, so were tricky to look after until their needs were identified and understood. But we would have been happy to babysit anyway and said so many times)

My DSIS - had my two a couple of times when they were very little and DM was alive, because DM would basically prod her into it! Since DM died we have lost a lot of our closeness (there are other pressures on our relationship which I won't go into here). My DC are autistic and DC2 has some significant behaviour issues that I don't know how she'd deal with. Plus her and her DCs interest in us has fallen off a cliff since her eldest DC had a child of their own (I have snarkily and bitterly commented to DP "who needs a couple of weirdy nephews when you can have one perfect grandchild?"). So I don't ask and they don't offer as I don't think they have the headspace to care. Plus, DNiece has a toddler now so is obviously busy, DNephew 1 has moved in with partner and enjoying a child free life, DNephew 2 is in early 20s and not sure if mature enough to deal with the additional needs in our house. I put a self pitying post on Facebook about DC2's self-injury and suicide ideation during meltdown and got a comment from DSIS "oh, is ___ self harming?" with a sad emoji, but I never get a call to see how we're doing. I haven't seen that side of my family since Christmas time - in fact I only ever see them if I'm laying on a bit of food and drink for an occasion. They turn up, eat, drink and fuck off again.

I have 3 friends in the world, they don't live near me so meet ups are rare.

But really the main thing keeping us isolated and burnt out is that I just keep plodding on without asking for help. I shouldn't, because I will certainly break down one day (a family history of MH crashes and admittance to psychiatric hospital doesn't help) but I don't know how to un-bury myself.

No help here.

When dd was at play school I tentatively suggested to some other mothers that we could perhaps start a babysitting circle. Cue wide eyes and stares of incomprehension. One woman said, "Can't you just ask your parents to babysit?" "That would require a seance," I replied.

LOL, I totally get it OP.

We had zero family in town in NZ. Zero, zip, de nada. Sure as all heck have got none in the UK!

I got so sick of one couple in particular, the dear, dear woman would complain to me every time she saw me about how they had so little family help and support. Then I'd hear about how her parents were only taking the kids for the weekend, when they'd taken the other son's kids for a week, and how her Mother complained when she dropped the kids off for four hours so she could do some shopping and meet a friend, and how her sil had been so unfair, she'd had her sil's kids seven times in the last month, and her sil had only had hers three. . . .

It was all I could do not to throttle the totally privileged and unappreciative little mare. And now she's over here, and I'm going to have to see them again. . .

Furthermore when people have done the sideways look (or outright outrage on MN) when I have said I don't work, have they never experienced having absolutely no back-up whatsoever ?

The woman up the road trilled that she couldn't let her brain rot when I said I was not working. This is the woman whose mother arrives every single day at 7am and leaves at 6pm in order to look after the gc.