To think some people don’t understand what it’s like to have zero family support

[Ironandwhine1]

As the title says , I have seen it here and on numerous occasions experienced it in RL.
I have lots and lots of family, I come from a very large family. I have 3 pretty young dcs. Not once has a single family member offered to have my kids, neither of my parents has ever gone for a walk or to the playground etc with me and the kids. My single sister visits regularly but times it so she comes down an hour before bedtime and leaves when she gets up. She also arranged to go out where we live and never offers for me and my husband to go out. The one time I asked her to babysit (in 7 years), we went out for the day for 4 hours and she made a reference to “milking it”.
Bizarrely they talk a lot about family and the importance of family when in reality I rarely see them and when we do it is strictly a half hour coffee while literally just looking at the kids. BTW it’s not just about babysitting, I guess it’s also about wanting to be with me and the kids for a bit but nothing. It’s always dressed up as not wanting to interfere but when I had an infection recently in my wisdom tooth I would love if someone had interfered as I had to take my youngest and middle into the dentists and it was all just grim tbh... It just seems so different for people we know in RL.
Me and my dh do get babysitters but find that a lot of the time it’s pre Uni kids and obviously when they go to university or get a job they move on. Also generally it’s very difficult to get someone for ad hoc stuff .
I just feel frustrated and sad when I see it suggested here and in RL ; “get the grandparents over, can’t understand people who never take a break from their kids” etc. etc Do people really not understand? At the moment we can’t find a suitable babysitter, it’s 10 pounds an hour where we live ( not Uk ) so you’re talking a very expensive night out or walk etc . Or I had a particularly difficult baby and toddler while never, ever slept and was told to “get granny and family to help out”, they all knew I was massively struggling and did absolutely nothing.
Just a thought for people who think that some parents are trying to martyr themselves

don't know ANY COUPLE in my social circle that doesn't get to go out to socialise without their children at least once per month, even if it's just a trip to the cinema with their DP. As they have babysitters available as and when needed I think that's just your friends/family. I don't know anyone except maybe 2 couples who have the money every month for things like that. Even the cinems is expensive!

Going out for a meal with your partner is putting your marriage before kids..?!

Jesus H Christ, that there's a right goady fucker.

As I thought this has turned into a pissing contest cum bunfight.

@Theyroamoverhere @WaterOffaDucksCrack
Putting marriage before my children because I'd like perhaps more than 2 meals out per year with my husband alone 🤣🤣🤣 give your head a wobble.

And no I'm not rich far from it, doesn't cost a lot to pop to the local for a couple of hours and drink a few colas , or a cheap meal at the Harvester, or see a movie with buy one get one meerkat app!

I hope you would gather, BearRabbitPants, that the cost of a pint up the pub, or the equivalent, isn't the limiting factor for many on this thread.

Yanbu. I have 4 kids. Obviously i chose to have them. But they have never been babysat. Actually that's a lie a friend watched them for 2 hours once. Eldest is 6. It's exhausting and hard work and they come to everything with me appointments you name it. Actually i am due a filling but have to keep cancelling as dh can't get time off of work to watch them. But what can you do....friend swaps are no good as no one wants to watch 4 more children! And i don't blame them either. 5 more years and they will all be in school...

This thread is just so beyond depressing. No wonder so many parents feel so lonely and isolated if this sort of attitude is so widespread.

I’d do anything to help out the people I care about and if something is important to them, I’ll help them.

And I agree, I don’t have any other parent friends who don’t have babysitting whenever they want it. They have family members who love the kids and want to spend time with them. I’m extremely jealous. It’s not putting your marriage before your kids FFS. My entire life revolves around my kids and their needs, and the occasional meal out wouldn’t suddenly make me a neglectful parent.

Here come the single Mums with their insistence we all race to the bottom. 

Not at all. Perspective allows us to be grateful for what we have.

YANBU. I lost my eldest of three and my youngest has autism. No help at all. He's too hard to handle. Meds don't help. I'm currently researching how to end my life as I'm sick of it all.

ground Do you want to chat? I’ve felt how you have 💓

Ground-I am so sorry you lost your eldest, do you wish to talk about it either on here or by PM? I also coped (rather survived) alone with an austic child and life was a living hell for years. But eventually, it really does get better. Do you have any help at all?
Please don't do what you are saying: your children need their mummy. Even on your worst possible day, you are better than anyone else for them.
Please seek help for your mood, maybe a TAC at school?

It's really hard BUT you're on your own. Your choice to have children. No one else cares unless they have some vested interest. I think if you have kids the knowledge that no one else cares is a tough lesson. Why should they?

My goodness, that is depressing. I feel so much for those who have no help. My DH extended family simply love being around children and have offered everything from babysitting to holiday childcare. We live in a small village and often see whole familes including grandparents just going to the park together but if there is anyone local struggling for emergency childcare I hope I would be able to help out.

I'm here to, ground. Lots of us are.

Are the any professionals involved with your son's care who can help at all, who you can at least chat with, or a local autism groups?

Do you have a middle child too?

My goodness, that is depressing.

I think it says more about them than general attitudes. Plenty of people don’t think like that.

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Samaritans: Call 116 123 for free

This is truly lovely but not the reality for loads of families. I think its unrealistic to expect others to be bothered, it is sad, but the reality is just that. And girls should be taught how life changing a baby is from primary school. Similarly I wonder how many of those keen to go out with partners are under pressure to do so-men expect private attention in the same way kids demand it. So women really are pushed to the limit. The whole date night phenomenon comes from a (usually male) position of keeping the marriage alive, ie being a sexually attractive woman for a man to keep him interested and is often a tool to get a partner whose sex drive has disappeared (usually female) due to tiredness and stress of life, to suddenly want to swing from the lampposts. Theyre just another form of housework. Good relationships shouldnt involve that kind of effort on the women's part, love is enough.
That is in one way why it's better as a single parent-no other adult to please. I wouldnt be surprised if not having alone time with their wives is the start of many affairs. It shouldnt be this way and women need to know what theyre getting into with both marriage and kids. Once you marry people stand back and you are stuck with a further demand on your time. If men sucked it up and actually helped at home and parented their own kids women on here would not be so desperate for help-thats the issue, not people babysitting.
This is totally not true if you have disabled children however, and professional low cost help should be provided.

Or, radical idea Theyroamoverhere, maybe some of us just like our partner's company and its sometimes nice away from the demands and stresses of our delightful children.

I'm a single parent working full time and live in London nowhere near where I grew up and family are hours away. Travelled up to see my mum with my 3 year old and she told me I need to go to the gym. When? How? Are 3 year olds allowed in gyms?!

I couldn't attend a work away trip (3 days) at my new job and was grilled as to why not. Explained my situation and was told it was 'very sad'

Not gone out in years and I'm used to it.

I'm sorry life is hard. It's hard for others too, for a range of other reasons.

Perhaps cranky but I cannot relate to that at all. Would feel like going to work after coming home from work.

@Theyroamoverhere Jesus Christ- projecting much?

So now because my husband and I would like some time alone to let our hair down, get to talk to each other without being interrupted 30 times by a three year old, and have a break from concentrating solely on our children 99% of the time! that must mean my DH is an emotionally abusive sex pest who's going to cheat on me? Absolute rubbish.

I’m sure there are women for whom that is true, but I think there are plenty of women who like their DH’s company and want to spend time with them.

I never said emotionally abusive, thats you projecting.

@Theyroamoverhere that is what you were insinuating in your previous post.

Won't be responding anymore as I think your are purposely trying to be goady.

I'm sorry you can't relate, maybe you could show some empathy all the same.

Yanbu but then I am surprised by how much support some people do get. I have what I consider a close family, e.g. we help out in times of need, but all my siblings have their own young children too, so baby sitting is relatively infrequent and tends to be used for special occasions eg wedding, birthdays, an anniversary meal out.

I've got a friend who's mother is willing to have the toddler every Saturday eve while she goes out. I don't get why the mother (in early 60s) never has plans of her own?! My mum has her own social life. She'll baby sit on occasion if I ask well in advance but isn't always free, she doesn't exist to wait on me. My siblings are the same. However, OP my family are different in that we visit each other for the pleasure of seeing each other and I've chosen to live quite near my siblings for this reason.