To think some people don’t understand what it’s like to have zero family support

[Ironandwhine1]

As the title says , I have seen it here and on numerous occasions experienced it in RL.
I have lots and lots of family, I come from a very large family. I have 3 pretty young dcs. Not once has a single family member offered to have my kids, neither of my parents has ever gone for a walk or to the playground etc with me and the kids. My single sister visits regularly but times it so she comes down an hour before bedtime and leaves when she gets up. She also arranged to go out where we live and never offers for me and my husband to go out. The one time I asked her to babysit (in 7 years), we went out for the day for 4 hours and she made a reference to “milking it”.
Bizarrely they talk a lot about family and the importance of family when in reality I rarely see them and when we do it is strictly a half hour coffee while literally just looking at the kids. BTW it’s not just about babysitting, I guess it’s also about wanting to be with me and the kids for a bit but nothing. It’s always dressed up as not wanting to interfere but when I had an infection recently in my wisdom tooth I would love if someone had interfered as I had to take my youngest and middle into the dentists and it was all just grim tbh... It just seems so different for people we know in RL.
Me and my dh do get babysitters but find that a lot of the time it’s pre Uni kids and obviously when they go to university or get a job they move on. Also generally it’s very difficult to get someone for ad hoc stuff .
I just feel frustrated and sad when I see it suggested here and in RL ; “get the grandparents over, can’t understand people who never take a break from their kids” etc. etc Do people really not understand? At the moment we can’t find a suitable babysitter, it’s 10 pounds an hour where we live ( not Uk ) so you’re talking a very expensive night out or walk etc . Or I had a particularly difficult baby and toddler while never, ever slept and was told to “get granny and family to help out”, they all knew I was massively struggling and did absolutely nothing.
Just a thought for people who think that some parents are trying to martyr themselves

Totally get you, all our friends have family round to help. We have nothing, babysitters means another £40 spent on a night out. We’ve had 2nights away in 7 years. One when it was beavers camp another whenFIL travelled 5 hours to stay. Only now possible as DS is pretty independent for 7.

It means child free weddings a no go too lol.

I’m sorry fluffy - I too have been up ages after almost no sleep, courtesy of my twins, endometriosis pain and a DH who could sleep through an air raid siren these days. It really sucks. Sending

PatricksRum - a DH is not “family support”. They’re parents, and should be equally responsible for sharing the difficulties of having kids without family support but, as we can see from this thread, that’s rarely the case.

Of course it would be much harder to be a single parent with no family support, and a very difficult but different scenario to be a single parent with family support, depending on how much support you have. That doesn’t mean it’s not also very difficult having no family support when you’re married.

When my mum divorced my father when I was a small baby, she bought a house with my nanna and uncle and we all lived together. My nanna looked after us while my mum worked full time. My mum always said that she had far more support then than when she was married.

I got to know my neighbors and we used to babysit for each other. I always worked full time, and it was always a neighbour who did the babysitting ( I paid them of course so everyone benefited). In an emergency I just took care of things myself. I knew I was never going to have any help so I didn't expect it.

That’s great if your neighbours a) have kids and b) are people you’d trust your children with. It’s great that you had that sense of community around you but it’s extremely rare these days.

Acknowledging that it’s bloody hard having no one to help out in an emergency or to offer some support when you’re struggling is not the same as “expecting” it. I went into pregnancy knowing our child would only have one grandparent who lives a few hours away. She was very involved with her first grandchild, and from the way she spoke when I was pregnant I was slightly worried that she’d be driving down every weekend and sleeping on our sofa forever more.

But as it turns out, she really isn’t very interested. We rarely see her. We had a very difficult start (two months in nicu for one twin, then an awful stay in HDU when he got whooping cough, I had to stay in with him for nearly 2 weeks and DH was at home caring for the other twin alone) and she didn’t even come down once - she didn’t meet them at all until they were three months old. They’re almost 3 and she’s spent about five days in their company, never been alone with them (or even with one of them).

I didn’t “expect” her to come, I understand she has her own life. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t hurtful (particularly for DH) that she offered no support whatsoever during such a difficult time. My friends with twins all have very supportive families who have the twins while they work, for overnight stays so the parents can get a break, for weekends so they can go on city breaks, etc. One has parents who live in Europe but they fly over for a week every couple of months to help out.

I would never expect this sort of help,but that’s a far cry from a GP who doesn’t even offer a bit of support when one GC is seriously ill in hospital, and their own child is having to care for their other baby alone.

I don't think this situation is unusual - certainly not in London, where most of my friends have moved away from family.

We trade off babysitting, which works really well and strengthens friendships because we acknowledge that we are all in the position of needing practical support from each other.

I think a lot of people are in the same boat. My parents are 12 hrs drive away and would never think to take the kids to the park or library to give us a break. My MIL is 84 and can’t look after them alone. Siblings are 4-5 hrs drive and have their own young families. I can’t imagine the kind of network where granny looks after a child for one day a week or does school pick ups. Sometimes when I see a grandparent at play group with their toddler grandchild and we get chatting and they say they do every Friday or whatever I feel quite emotional.

and their own child is having to care for their other baby alone.

Not to be a bitch here, but should one competent adult not be capable of caring for their own baby without assistance from their own elderly parent?

I think you were meaning to be bitchy.

I'm in the same boat. I'm also a lone parent so no DH to help out at home.

It is 100% on me. My son will be 3 in November and I haven't had a night out since before pregnancy, I haven't spent a single night without him and we go to all of each others' appointments. If I need to go out somewhere, we both go. If one of us is ill, we both stay in.

I actually worry about it - what would happen to my son if something happened to me?

I'm in the same boat, no one has ever had my dd for even half an hour, for the first 15 months not even my dp did. I'm lucky if I can go to the supermarket by myself (which 'd' p considers quality time to myself) ... She's almost 5 now.

I think you were meaning to be bitchy.

Nope, it is a valid question.

My family and I live on different continents and the exILs lived 9 hours away by car. It sucked. The upside was that we developed many strong friendships with neighbours and especially with families from school. My DCs spent many happy hours playing with friends, there were sleepovers, kids in and out of my house constantly, and my DCs in other people's houses. All of my DCs are still like family to the friends they made as children and those friends I consider my extra children too. When my marriage ended it was wonderful for my DCs to have those families there, and especially those lovely parents who included my DS as one of their own in his teen years. I heard stories about what a great baker of brownies, peeler of potatoes and cleaner upper of kitchens my DS was and wondered to myself if they were thinking of the same boy...

The most hair raising experience we had was when I was expecting DC3 and obviously couldn't have a teenager on call day or night for when I might have to go to the hospital. I contacted a doula service to ask if I could hire a doula to come to look after DD1 and DS, not me - the doula service were a little dumbfounded that we had absolutely nobody else. A few preschool mothers had offered to help us out but I really didn't feel I could call anyone at 3 am if that was when I needed to go, especially as all those women had toddlers or even babies.

In the end I went into labour on a Saturday morning and exH asked a neighbour's 14 yo if she could look after DD1 and DS for a few hours. We had never had her babysitting before because he rmother was a bit of a floozy but she turned out to be perfectly fine - watched Saturday morning TV with DD1 and DS, made them lunch, changed DS's diaper, helped DD1 go to the loo, played with blocks, made cards with them for me and the baby. We were so lucky.

A few years later my ndn's husband had a seizure in the wee small hours and she banged on my door in desperation before hopping into the ambulance with him - my DCs were all in bed and I put on my dressing gown and sat with her two little ones who had woken up and got really upset about the ambulance, etc. She had nobody either. I took the two to my house when it was time to wake my DCs for school and they walked with an older child whom I flagged down. It took almost a whole village to get everyone's show on the road that morning...

We had to develop a network of teenage babysitters and just factor the cost of babysitting into any plans. When they went off to university or got steady jobs we called their younger siblings or the friends of younger siblings. Babysitters and babysitter phone numbers were one of the main topics of conversation at the local playground. The holy grail of babysitters was the oldest member of a large family because you were pretty much guaranteed a succession of teens for many years. My DD1 did a lot of babysitting when she hit her teens and in turn all four younger siblings inherited her families while also developing new business for themselves.

Maybe find younger babysitters so you won't have so much turnover? Ask them for numbers of their friends or younger siblings as backups? Talk about babysitters to any mums you are chatting with, and get numbers?

It's a valid question that someone with a ill baby in the hospital and one at home might want some support? Nah.

I have zero help either. At least you can get babysitters.... as my son has autism I can’t find babysitters i could leave him with and I am also on my own with no partner. You are not the only one and you may be in a better position than some. My family can’t help because they are too elderly and my children too challenging but yours should. I know how frustrating that is seeing someone sleep in and not help when you’re struggling- it’s awful but young single people are selfish and clueless.

Yup.
I like a 4 hour drive away from my nearest relative on a clear run. I am a single mum. I live in a studio flat, we don't even have light fittings, ports for wifi or TV arial. So I have never dared get a babysitter for a night off as I would be expecting them to sit in my bed with Dd (no seating in the flat), in the dark, on their phones as nothing else to do.

Live, not like

Not to be a bitch here, but should one competent adult not be capable of caring for their own baby without assistance from their own elderly parent?

Oh you’re definitely being a bitch, and quite deliberately so.

Firstly, my MIL is not elderly. She wasn’t even 55 when the twins were born.

DH had no experience of babies before our twins were born. We had two weeks where they were both in nicu, then six weeks with one at home and one in nicu, then almost immediately one was readmittted and very seriously ill.

Only on MN is it unreasonable to think that a grandparent might want to offer any support when one of your babies is seriously ill in hospital and you’re having to take care of another newborn alone for the first time. I think most parents would struggle in that situation with no support.

Nope, it is a valid question.

Au contraire, it's not.

There were twins, one in HDU and one at home.

I'm desperate for family support. I'm having a hard time at the moment and could really use some advice and back up but I'd never ask them. When I've asked in the past there has always been some kind d of a row. I've given up. Friends have helped more.

I didn’t want to suggest it isn’t terribly hard for you just that there are many others with similar or even harder situations but I’m not sure that helps.

I have no one. And I’m a single parent. No support whatsoever. People don’t know how that would be because we all take our situations for granted. That’s just how life is I think. I have no babysitter. No family support. It’s been my whole life.

Can you get some help from your local authority? Are there any charities who offer help near you? Do you have a Home Start branch near you ?

YY to taking DCs with me to smears, pre natal appointments, ultrasounds, post partum checkups, medical appointments when I had gallstones, barium swallow to rule out an ulcer, ultrasound to diagnose gallstones, even visits to the OB/gyn when I suffered MCs, dentist, closing on our house. They got very used to being strapped firmly into the buggy.

At least in my case I knew exactly what I was looking at in terms of the lack of support. I didn't have the heartbreak of 'so near and yet so far' to deal with. Just the 'so far' bit.

I am totally with you OP. We pay the odd babysitter (also £10 an hour, UK) so we can have an evening out, so it’s not moaning that we never get any time together. For me it’s more the spontaneous, family popping round for a cup of tea, looking after the kids for a few mins while I pop to the shop, taking them to the park like you say. I don’t have any of that either, although like you, my family are very supportive via WhatsApp! I don’t mind at all, but it does grate when other people whinge about having no help when they have massive family back up. A friend of mine often comments on when I am going back to work (I’m a SAHM), and how she understands how difficult childcare is, but her parents provide ALL childcare while she is at work. I have sent my DC to nursery so I could work but it wasn’t worth it financially, and she just doesn’t get it at all!

We have family around but ds's disability means that I cannot leave him with any of them. Ds requires 2:1 support for many things so even if only one of us were out of action for more than a short time, he may have to go into residential care.

I know it's hard without help, I never lived near family and going out without kids with a babysitter was maybe once or twice a year. Very occasionally my parents have stayed and given us a break, 4 times in 18 years!

This place is honestly like a parallel universe sometimes. I can’t even imagine having grandchildren born under really traumatic circumstances, nearly losing one, months in hospital and not even driving down to visit for an afternoon, even just to offer emotional support to my own child. At the time I didn’t think too much about it but looking back I find it quite shocking.

We’ve just recently had a homestart volunteer start with us, just to enable me to take the boys out without DH. In that sense it does help because I can’t take them out on my own at all now, and outside of nursery we are just stuck indoors. It doesn’t help with the lack of adhoc, in an emergency, or a quick hand for half an hour support that most of my friends take for granted.

I can only imagine what it’s like as a single parent in this situation and I’m sure it feels impossible at times - you’re all doing an amazing job.