To think some people don’t understand what it’s like to have zero family support

[Ironandwhine1]

As the title says , I have seen it here and on numerous occasions experienced it in RL.
I have lots and lots of family, I come from a very large family. I have 3 pretty young dcs. Not once has a single family member offered to have my kids, neither of my parents has ever gone for a walk or to the playground etc with me and the kids. My single sister visits regularly but times it so she comes down an hour before bedtime and leaves when she gets up. She also arranged to go out where we live and never offers for me and my husband to go out. The one time I asked her to babysit (in 7 years), we went out for the day for 4 hours and she made a reference to “milking it”.
Bizarrely they talk a lot about family and the importance of family when in reality I rarely see them and when we do it is strictly a half hour coffee while literally just looking at the kids. BTW it’s not just about babysitting, I guess it’s also about wanting to be with me and the kids for a bit but nothing. It’s always dressed up as not wanting to interfere but when I had an infection recently in my wisdom tooth I would love if someone had interfered as I had to take my youngest and middle into the dentists and it was all just grim tbh... It just seems so different for people we know in RL.
Me and my dh do get babysitters but find that a lot of the time it’s pre Uni kids and obviously when they go to university or get a job they move on. Also generally it’s very difficult to get someone for ad hoc stuff .
I just feel frustrated and sad when I see it suggested here and in RL ; “get the grandparents over, can’t understand people who never take a break from their kids” etc. etc Do people really not understand? At the moment we can’t find a suitable babysitter, it’s 10 pounds an hour where we live ( not Uk ) so you’re talking a very expensive night out or walk etc . Or I had a particularly difficult baby and toddler while never, ever slept and was told to “get granny and family to help out”, they all knew I was massively struggling and did absolutely nothing.
Just a thought for people who think that some parents are trying to martyr themselves

It's hard we had to sell tickets to a local r en last night as had no friends available to help and didn't want to pay £40 for a babysitter

My family live on other side of country my mum tactically raises my niece and nephew with childcare until niece went to school now wraparound childcare for her many days and her bro in preschool, brother and sister work shifts my agents have the kids all weekend. They are completely vile to my parents most of the time and ungrateful all of the time while we paid £800 in childcare this month and that's with ds1 at school.

My mum does visit 2-3 times a year and we make the most of it and it is our choice to live away from them but it's hard not to be bitter

Yes, I hear you too.

We live in another country and my parents are not really into children (I'm an only), apart from the fact that my mother's not well.
DH's 90-year-old father is in the UK and his two siblings have adult children with children of their own, so no help there.

We have one very good friend here who will babysit, but we don't want to take advantage.

I recently saw red when an old school friend invited me to her wedding. She has two children herself. Another one of the group had said children would be welcome (it's not a given where I'm from at all). The wedding was pretty far and we don't drive. When I talked about the children in my email, she breezily added, 'Oh, I didn't realise they'd come too.' Uhm, where shall we leave them then? At home alone? Or drag my 2-year-old and 7-month-old halfway across Europe with all their bl**dy luggage just to hire an all-day babysitter that will cost the earth? Just to go to your wedding? She's obviously the privileged kind who calls either her mother or one of her four or five siblings (true) who will be over like a shot. Unfortunately not everyone has that luxury...

We are hours away from our parents and said parents are either too old and frial or deceased. I have had to care for my DM on 2 occasions after serious illness taking time off work and 2 small children hours from home, into hospitals to visit thier grandma because I have no childcare and caring for her when discharged from.hospital weak and needing help. My low point was going out to look for a commode on a freezing cold, dark January evening with baby/toddler in tow as my mum couldn't manage the walk to the tiolet. She did actually look after our DC when Dc2 was born but I was worrying the whole time and had initially asked for a home birth as I wasn't sure what we would do with dc1. Luckily the baby arrived in.the 2 day period she could come and stay for! Friends had offered to.help but its hard to ring someone who has children and works full.time themselves! It is a horrible feeling not having back up.

Someone mentioned a lack of forethought. Well, circumstances do change and sometimes people don't step up to the mark. My parents were dead or had a multitude of serious illness whilst I was still in my 20s. It was a choice of either don't have children or go for it without support.

Just to say I’m sorry that must be so hard .
A supportive family and friendship circle really does make life so much easier.
My Ex DH family were of no help at all .
I found that odd - nice enough people but just did not like children !

My parents and my brothers and their wives are all fantastic.
We all do everything we can to help each other . Adjusting shifts etc so that everyone has the required childcare etc ...
we are a huge team ..
Moving house ? Hold on the troops are all assembled and ready to march !

I was driving home from a work event - my brother called as his son had been admitted to hospital and my bro was away at the other side of the country- I was diverted immediately to my SIL house to land and do what’s needed .
My parents were dispatched to mine to keep on eye on my DD ... tag team work !

I’m now a single parent and it’s been so easy because of the support network I have .
I do all possible to help everyone I know as I do appreciate how fortunate I am ..
I have a friend who is a SP too and my parents also help her ...

As I said I’m sorry- I wish others had the support I have -

I’m going to make them a special Sunday roast tomorrow to let them know how much I appreciate them ..

Furthermore when people have done the sideways look (or outright outrage on MN) when I have said I don't work, have they never experienced having absolutely no back-up whatsoever?

This! This! This!

Yes, that's great that you couldn't bare to be stuck at home with your children all day but I don't have an alternative thanks!

@mirrivan I think most people do think it through. Doesn't mean it's not hard though and it's often the lack of understanding from others/The way that society is set up that is frustrating. Life has also got tougher in a lot of ways over the last decade e.g lack of job security, stagnating wages, support services hugely cut back. You can't predict everything

Furthermore when people have done the sideways look (or outright outrage on MN) when I have said I don't work, have they never experienced having absolutely no back-up whatsoever? no one should negatively comment if you're a sahp, it's a valuable role. But it can be possible to have a career/job without family support. I built mine as a single parent, don't think you can't do things, if you want to do them research, plan and go for it.

*Furthermore when people have done the sideways look (or outright outrage on MN) when I have said I don't work, have they never experienced having absolutely no back-up whatsoever?"

Actually having no backup is partly why I work. When my DH became suddenly seriously ill, we only had backup because we both worked and had paid childcare, insurances, the lot. Previously I'd been desperate to become a sahm but this made me realise how vulnerable we would be.
If I was a sahm and became ill, there would be no-one to care for them, my DH would have to take extended leave and risk his own job. At least now we have paid regular care and the funds to help if we encounter an emergency.
What is your plan, if you need to go to hospital?

Totally totally shit isn't it. I recently had a formal warning at work as I had time off to mind my kids when they were poorly. Obviously after the warning another kid then got a sickness bug. I rang my (retired) parent and asked them to please please have the kid but they wouldnt so I lost my job. Totally shit and isolating and it is actually making me feel miserable as all my friends have lovely supportive families and we just don't.

@SkaTastic - remember that when they are old and demanding. My dad pushed and pushed me to help out. I was losing pay visiting them all the time and the expectation was that I'd just skivvy for them for free forever. In the end I said: you refused to help me when my children were young and DS2 was seriously ill and I had such chronic post natal depression I was hallucinating, so I don't feel obliged to help you any more. And I stopped.

I think that in essence this is the problem that most people have. Total lack of forethought. No one ever seems to anticipate how hard raising an average child is, and almost never seem to consider that their child might be high needs, that their partner might get sick, it leave, etc

Total lack of forethought? Did you mean to be so rude? We planned very carefully for having a child with no family support, DH works from home, we put various things in place to make life easier when we planned to have a child, but we are not psychic. Having never had a child, we could foresee the big issues and how we would address them, but could not foresee the smaller issues that only became apparent once our children were born. And of course we considered that our child might be “high needs”. We did not expect to have twins, and for them both to be disabled, and the daily realities of this. I’ve never met a single parent to even one disabled child who was able to fully anticipate what this is like. You’re essentially saying that only those who are extremely wealthy and with large supportive families should have kids as no one else could manage it.

It used to be the case that having children was seen as a duty to society - many people do still feel that way. I can see that with that mindset there comes a feeling of entitlement to help from said society. But, increasingly, having children is being seen as a lifestyle choice - one that is even detrimental to society in these times of overpopulation and environmental problems. Where friends and family feel this way, help will not be so forthcoming, as people simply don't feel that they owe it to anyone

What a load of nonsense. You honestly believe that the reason I and others on this thread don’t have help in an emergency is because people think kids are detrimental to society? That’s delusional.

The hardest part for me is all the help I gave my older siblings when I was a teenager. I took care of their dc when one sister had a miscarriage, when one had no childcare while going through a messy divorce from an abuser. I lived with one sister when she had pnd to help with her older dc.
I can count on one hand the times these siblings have supported me or taken care of my dc. I didn’t help out in order to call in the favour but because I loved my nieces and nephews and wanted to help my siblings..

Yes, I do. My point is they they don't seem to see this as likely themselves, even though, from observing the lives of others, it should be an obvious risk.

Well there you have it.

Parents passed away? Parents elderly? Parents perfectly healthy but still may develop terminal cancer and die at 60?

History of disability in your family? No history of disability in your family?

Have bad health? Have great health but like running and therefore might get struck by lightning? Never run anywhere but might get into a car accident?

Just don’t have children unless you can afford a live-in nanny even if your husband divorces you.

🙄

It’s impossible to anticipate and plan for every eventuality. Nor is it human nature to expect endless worse case scenarios when there’s nothing to suggest they will happen beforehand.

I knew that sleep deprivation would be very hard, but I could not know the reality of it until I experienced it. I knew that it we had a disabled child that would be very difficult, but you cannot understand the extent of this until it happens to you (which is, I presume, the reason for your extremely rude and judgemental comments).

I never had anyone. My DH was in the Army and we lived far from my family ( which only consisted of two parents and one sister anyway). I got to know my neighbors and we used to babysit for each other. I always worked full time, and it was always a neighbour who did the babysitting ( I paid them of course so everyone benefited). In an emergency I just took care of things myself. I knew I was never going to have any help so I didn't expect it.

My family live in a different county. DH's family live next door but they would even watch ds when I had an ovarian cyst burst and had to get to hospital.

It's very hard being alone. I'm thankful I have dh but he works 80-90 hour weeks this time of year so I'm pretty alone.

They wouldn't watch ds.

We had my ex parent in laws around when DD was little, which was ok and they did some babysitting when I returned to work. I didn't get on with them that well but it was better than nothing.

When I returned to the UK, my dad died not long after and my mum moved to the coast (and was elderly). I consider myself lucky in that my brother lives 30mins away, and whilst he works full time and had his own family issues at the time so he couldn't help in terms of childcare, etc but I at least had someone I could call on an emergency, and vice versa.

My DD is an adult now, but yes when she was a young during the school hols were the hardest, I was lucky in that I had good friends so we could do childcare swaps etc but still DD spent a large proportion of her holiday in school holiday childcare (830-5)

Oh yes sick days! I nearly cried of happiness when I got my own office when DD was about 9 so she could just sit in my office all day if she had a cold (obv I wouldn't bring her in with D&V).

I don't earn the greatest pay but I have stayed at my work for many years as they were very understanding of my situation, my ex lived abroad and my DD has a chronic illness so knew the struggles I faced, thus there was no threatening of disciplinary action etc, as long as I did my work they didn't mind if I rushed off in an emergency. .

Reading this thread it's no wonder women can feel so isolated after having children. Lots of us are going it alone or with very little support and partners working long hours.

I am yet again awake at 4am today with Dc after 5 hours broken sleep. I'm run down from 5 years of sleep deprivation. My brother is the prime example of someone with absolutely no sympathy because 'you choose to have' them therefore I'm not allowed even to mention anything negative, just crack on with life with a smile on my face....

OP, you have a DH. You have family support.

@PatricksRum she's talking about aside from him. Obviously.

Furthermore when people have done the sideways look (or outright outrage on MN) when I have said I don't work, have they never experienced havingabsolutely no back-up whatsoever?

The woman up the road trilled thatshecouldn't letherbrain rot when I said I was not working. This is the woman whose mother arrives every single day at 7am and leaves at 6pm in order to look after the gc

Oh god, yes, this.

@YouJustDoYou
Regardless, on the contrary, OP doesn't understand what it's like to have zero family support.

Snap same here. At least you dont have aging parents to care for too. Every time j speak to mine, I get a long list of things to do. I keep suggesting now would be a good time to choose a home for them. It's draining never having any family help babysit with the children, the last time i had a night off from the kids was 3 years ago!