To think some people don’t understand what it’s like to have zero family support

[Ironandwhine1]

As the title says , I have seen it here and on numerous occasions experienced it in RL.
I have lots and lots of family, I come from a very large family. I have 3 pretty young dcs. Not once has a single family member offered to have my kids, neither of my parents has ever gone for a walk or to the playground etc with me and the kids. My single sister visits regularly but times it so she comes down an hour before bedtime and leaves when she gets up. She also arranged to go out where we live and never offers for me and my husband to go out. The one time I asked her to babysit (in 7 years), we went out for the day for 4 hours and she made a reference to “milking it”.
Bizarrely they talk a lot about family and the importance of family when in reality I rarely see them and when we do it is strictly a half hour coffee while literally just looking at the kids. BTW it’s not just about babysitting, I guess it’s also about wanting to be with me and the kids for a bit but nothing. It’s always dressed up as not wanting to interfere but when I had an infection recently in my wisdom tooth I would love if someone had interfered as I had to take my youngest and middle into the dentists and it was all just grim tbh... It just seems so different for people we know in RL.
Me and my dh do get babysitters but find that a lot of the time it’s pre Uni kids and obviously when they go to university or get a job they move on. Also generally it’s very difficult to get someone for ad hoc stuff .
I just feel frustrated and sad when I see it suggested here and in RL ; “get the grandparents over, can’t understand people who never take a break from their kids” etc. etc Do people really not understand? At the moment we can’t find a suitable babysitter, it’s 10 pounds an hour where we live ( not Uk ) so you’re talking a very expensive night out or walk etc . Or I had a particularly difficult baby and toddler while never, ever slept and was told to “get granny and family to help out”, they all knew I was massively struggling and did absolutely nothing.
Just a thought for people who think that some parents are trying to martyr themselves

I think people with lots of help don't realise the emotional impact of never having help, never having someone you trust completely so you can have a night out with your hubby, or god forbid a weekend away. The feeling like there's just no one there swamps you, it affects everything. It's like being poor is so much more than not having money. Feeling like it's all down to you is overwhelming.
My kids are grown, youngest is 18 and I still wouldn't go abroad for a week and leave them, cos I've never left them, never been able to. I see people leaving their kids right left and centre and it astounds me but it's normal for them. And my job is still school hours, just incase they need me, just incase.... I can't get out from the mindset I've been in for 21 years.
Me and dh recently had a few days in another UK city, first time ever. We marvelled at what freedom is like, and what it must feel like if that's part of being a parent since the kids were born, not when they are late teens.
Like I said before, I was sneered at by a family member who has her parents at her beck and call, who could not believe we didn't have regular weekends away, she sneered 'don't you have friends'.. How to explain to her yes I have lots of friends who also have their own lives and kids, but I never had built in babysitters like you do and going away for weekends was never possible?

Putting marriage before my children because I'd like perhaps more than 2 meals out per year with my husband alone I didn't say that 😂😂 just that there are ways to have quality time together without family facilitating it.

WaterOffaDucksCrack, how do you have time together then? Are you talking about when they kids are you and go to bed before 8? Those days don't last long.

Young

Exactly, ssd. My cousin is like that, he just doesn't get it. Most people don't. I'm really done here, folks, don't care to discuss it anymore, I need a bona fide break from my child, many months, not just talk. It's not forthcoming so I need to make some plans. My older child is nearly of age to leave home.

@ssd - You are so perceptive. I have exactly the same issue about leaving my DC, the youngest of who is now 17. And it's because we never have. Except once for a night with friends. It is ingrained in me that we and we alone are willing to care for them. It's not logical but lack of family support in any form certainly shapes that neurosis. Just today I was having anxiety that DS1 has flown off alone for a summer school. Your comment has made me realise why the instinctive feeling of worry that I wasn't looking after him was so powerful.
I even have to remind my parents when it's DC's birthdays. They might send a card. They certainly don't give a toss.

My parents are dead. My dcs were 18 and 21 this year. They got no cards, texts, birthday wishes nothing from my brother and sister,who both can well afford a second class stamp. And those two are the only family I have left alive. Dhs siblings both sent cards, which we were really grateful for. We've no other family at all. Providing for the kids had always came down to us and us alone. Driving lessons, holidays, everything has been down to us. It's just what our life has been for 21 years. And I don't grudge the kids a thing they are great kids, decent and caring. The thought that there's no one else in my family who gives a shit about them tears my heart out. My dad died when dc1 was a baby and mum died when they still in primary school. Providing for them, caring for them, supporting them, being around for them, it's been a way of life for 21 years. No wonder I can't get on a plane and leave them, though they can leave me quite happily .
At the end of the day, we've done our best, all of us here.

I find myself getting fidgety around 3.30pm, when school comes out. I spent so long at the school gates I can't relax at that time even though my kids haven't needed picking up for years. I just can't get my head around not needing to be home at that time. When there's no one here, no one needing fed, it feels like such freedom

Totally in the same boat. Never had a night away from my girls, and don't expect to until they're much older. My parents have now retired and still their involvement with the kids hasn't changed...if anything we see them less. Our babysitter has now gone off to uni so we've not been on a night out since last September and we haven't been able to find anyone to replace her. Childcare costs this summer will set me back £860, I just have to suck it up.