How to handle this situation with MIL?

[CornflakesOnToast]

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

Ask her. What do you have to lose?

Telephone? who uses social media to talk to their mum?!

It sounds as though she no longer wants to do it, but doesn't want to admit this. She's being unreasonable in not telling you ASAP so you can make other plans. Could you phone her, rather than message her, so you can have a straightforward conversation?

Just ask her. You’ll at least know.

Give your dh a hug and tell him your sorry his dm has no interest in her dgc or doing anything to help her ds.

I suppose you could try just going round there at the appointed time and breezily thanking her while shoving your dc through the door and running away.

His whole family communicate via FB messenger or WhatsApp, they always have for as long as I've been with DH!

Message her with “will we be seeing you as planned at x o’clock today as planned or is your radio silence to DH a cancellation?”

Just keep it factual, you’ve nothing to lose

How old are the dcs? Is she fit and healthy?

Call her!

We’re there any actual arrangements in place (like we’ll drop child at your at noon)? If so I’d be tempted to just show up!
But I gave a feeling she has ‘forgotten’ her promise.

She's obviously made her decision and she doesn't want to look after her grandchildren. That's her loss. If I were you I would never ask her for anything again. She may well live to regret her treatment of her family.

YANBU at all to think she is rude in this instance - she really should have let you know one way or the other.

However, lots of grandparents don't look after their grandchildren on their own (I mean as opposed to a family visit). Better not to expect too much and then you can't be let down.

Has he phoned her or been round to her house?

Give her a call and ask

I would assume arrangements were going ahead as planned, if I hadn't had a message to say otherwise

I'd take the blanking to mean doesn't want to do it. Her choice that she may well regret some day.

Half of me wants to say something to her, but the other half doesn't want to stir the pot. I feel awful for DH as my parents/step parents would never do something like this to me, what's more, they always jump at the chance of spending time with our dc, so it feels like a double 'wtf is she playing at' regarding MIL.

She's in her 50's, fit, healthy and able. Our DC's are nearly 3, and one a half, but we'd be heading out when DC2 napped (he sleeps for almost 3 hours), so she'd only have DC1 to deal with. She's watched SIL's DC's overnight a few times, has helped her out here and there, but never with us.

The arrangement was she'd come to ours on Saturday for two hours while we popped in to town for a quick lunch, and that DH would confirm a specific time with her during the week. Well, he tried doing that and has heard sweet FA back!

Well it is probably safe to assume she is not looking after them.

Just be blunt with her. "Will you still be looking after DC for a couple of hours today as promised, we are unsure as you haven't replied to any messages about it for 3 days?"

Never ask her for anything again, either.

I think you need to accept she does not want to babysit.
If she's that disinterested in your children do you actually really want to leave them with her? Are you confident in the care she would provide?
If I was you I'd make alternative arrangements.

Well yabu because for someone who has seen your DC 2/3 in a year despite living 10 minutes away, you should have known better!
Your DC barely know her especially you 1.5yo so why would you think they would be ok with her?

I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change

You clearly don't like her and seem spoiling for a fight.

Apparently a few weeks ago, she'd said to DH that she wanted to 'try and see the dc more', so I didn't think she'd bail on us like this.

Think I will send her a message.

It’s pretty obvious she didn’t want to babysit or even have a real relationship with her GC. I don’t know why you even asked her tbh. You can’t force people into wanting to see their GC, it’s their choice as hurtful as it may seem to you. You shouldn’t compare them to your parents either, it’s unfair on your DH.

If she’s been ignoring her own son since Wednesday then I’d assume she wasn’t interested and make other plans for the day.

I wouldn’t be arsey with message, just a bright and breezy , so looking forward to seeing you and so appreciate you looking after DGC , expecting to leave for lunch at 1 , so come at 1230 so we can have a cuppa together first. That way she’s got a face save to still come after ignoring you . Bottom line is you want to go out so don’t worry about scoring points.