How to handle this situation with MIL?

[CornflakesOnToast]

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

I think you have to assume you are being let down and just never rely on her in the future. It's her loss, not having the kind of relationship with her GCs that their other GPs do. I'm glad you have one set to help you, at least!

I'm not sure why you're putting so much effort into justifying yourself, OP. You sounded a lovely thoughtful DIL from the outset with all the invites to join days out etc.

Your MIL is rude and self-centred. Having found out the hard way that she cannot be relied upon, you can now give up on her with a clear conscience. If your DH wants to keep trying to build a real, not SM, relationship between your DC and MIL, let him but I really wouldn't be wasting any more of your own time on it!

I would also be blocking her from FB. But I'm petty like that and it would really rile me to have all the fake nicey messages from someone that actually isn't interested in GC, but just looking good to their mates.

Her loss.

I’ve got no idea why everyone is jumping on OP about “not liking MIL”

Why should she like someone who is flakey, Rude and uninterested in either her Grandchildren or in fact her own son!?

You’ve all spectacularly missed the point of the thread entirely, the thread was a question on how you would respond to someone who had offered to babysit (chosen a day without prompt!) and then for numerous days before hand ignored messages and ghosted their own son - somehow that’s now been made into OP’s fault!?

I can only assume all those blaming OP also have children/grandchildren they like to ignore/manipulate and then blame their shitty actions entirely on their bloody daughter in laws “attitude”

And people call millennials bloody snowflakes...

There are always some posters who will defend the MIL to the hilt, no matter how blindingly obvious it is, that the MIL is a nasty, toxic person. They seem to get off on inventing backstories to paint the OP in a bad light, and then lay into the OP.

It doesn't matter how often they're shown how their story is wrong, they won't back down.

They're horrible, and yes, quite possibly have similar relationships with their DILs.

I certainly don’t always side with the MIL! There’s some awful ones around and I will say so when I read about one.

And let’s face it there’s posters who will always side with the DIL no matter what!

This is such a sad thread. Your mil is missing out on connecting with her grandchildren. I would stop trying so hard now and let her go her own way, while being very grateful your children already have loving grandparents on your side.

NoSauce I didn't mention you. You did eventually get it. The people I'm talking about, never change their view of the OP, and continue to twist the OP's words or completely make shit up, to support their narrative, so they can keep having a go at the OP.

Apologies if you've said where SIL lives but OP, how close (location wise) is SIL to your MIL compared to you? Is she close by? If so, think of it this way, when MIL gets on in years and is looking for assistance from her children, your DSIL can have the pleasure all to herself.

My own MIL is a street away and her DD is hours away yet she favours her DD very blatantly over my DH which is a huge shame for him. I'm the one who is expected to do the errand running already (it falls to me because I have a vagina. It's women who are expected to do the caring I guess)
Thankfully she does take an interest in our kids so I don't resent being expected to run around for her.

My own mum (a total FB nan only) however can sort her own shit out. She stopped parenting me when I was a preteen.

I can empathise how frustrating and hurtful this behaviour can be. When your children are old enough to realise it for themselves, it's heart breaking to see it dawn on them, so to speak. My PIL would try to make out that driving 6 or 7 minutes to our place was too much strain on MIL. Yet they'd drive past our area to get to their daughter's family a further 10 minutes away. We lived there for 7 sears and MIL didn't visit once. FIL only popped by one or twice, not for a visit as such but for some other reason. Always some excuse. After MIL passed away, FIL visited a few times per year. I think in all they babysat 1 of our children once, at their house, just for an hour as we were in a fix. It grated so much because it was completely different for all other grandkids and even neighbour's children. MIL insisted they call her Nanny! I used to think to myself that she had actual grandchildren she wanted practically nothing to do with, what did she need with other people's GCs?

Luckily, DH and I will be heading out together this weekend for some crazy golf and a bit of lunch!
My DM came home from her holiday the other day, and instantly got in touch with me to ask if she could take both our DC's for a few hours this coming Saturday.

It's receiving messages like that that fill me with huge appreciation for my DM and how much she misses our DC's if she hasn't seen them for a few weeks, but also makes me sad as we've never once had a message like that from MIL!

Ah well. Just going to put all of this behind me now and accept that we won't be asking MIL for anything ever again. I'm thankful my DC's have the entire side of my family that are actually interested in them, so that's what I should focus on going forward.

OP, your DM is a great GM. Your MIL isn't and it's not a disaster for you but ratger for her although I doubt she cares at all. If she doesn't have time for her DC then don't try to find it for her. She doesn't want it.

I would willingly look after my grandchild 24/7!!!! I just adore her. Can't wait until
I have more.😁 I don't understand to me my gd is perfect.

Well done OP. That's exactly what I've done with DHs family, who are similar to your Mil. I don't think they have ever remembered either of my children's birthdays and that's despite me once writing them on a calendar and giving it to them for Christmas. We were at SILs the day before DS last birthday and DH mentioned it. It was very funny watching her squirm and making excuses about how she's lost her 'birthday' book. Load of crap. The joke of it is her daughters birthday is the week before ours and we always send a card and gift. You'd think they would be embarrassed, but not a bit of it. Our eldest is nearly 15 now, so I've long since given up. Luckily my own family make up for it. It's not about gifts either as that's just symptomatic of their lack of interest as whole. Their loss as I'm sure in years to come they will just not have much of a relationship with them.