How to handle this situation with MIL?

[CornflakesOnToast]

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

I think theres 2 issues

First she doesnt want to see your family. If your husband doesnt want to talk to her about it then he'll just have to accept it (I doubt she will be honest anyway, she'll just claim busy or whatever). Coukd he get his sibling to speak to her and ask her why she spends more time with their children otherwise?

The other issue is how fucking rude she was this week. No matter what the reasons, to make arrangements when other people are relying on you, then blank your own child all week, then let them down at the last minute for a complete bullshit excuse is just rude and selfish

It will be her missing out when she is older and needs family around her and help and she has no one

Some, grandparents are fit and well, live close enough to so that visiting is easy but they don't want to do it. Their choice.

well, yes, exactly. They've dealt with their own kids, they don't need to go back into it. Nothing wrong with that.

I can't say why the MIL doesn't just say no in the first place, but it would be very interesting to read her own side of the story.

Well, she obviously isn't interested in her son, in you, or your DC. I understand this must be hurtful for your DH but you need to accept it.

I would mute her on Facebook so you don't see any of the Worlds Best Nan type posts or what she is doing with SIL/DNs.

Leave any future relationship to DH, take a step back.

My MIL is always, ALWAYS, babysitting the other GC - we've asked maybe 5 times over the past 6 years if we could either visit or if she might like to see our children, but because she's always "too busy" babysitting the other two she just can't be bothered with ours. So now we longer bother to ask.

Is a childminder out of the question? Don't know where you are, but we don't live in an expensive county and cms are still at least £10.50 ph for one child (even the teens are asking for minimum £10 ph), rising to x amount extra per child (we have three), and often want a minimum of three hours pay (at least on the sites I've been looking at). We just can;t afford £70 for just one night out, so we don;t bother with cms at all.

fakeniceperson you are trolling. Just stop.

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous. You'd all be disgusted by home much the grandparents have my child!

OP, you are not being unreasonable, or entitled or a cheeky fucker. Your MiL has let you down and you're right to be annoyed. You need to stop making the effort with her.

Your MIL is rude. I feel sorry for your dh. Don’t ask her again. Your kids deserve better.

It's hard to have a positive attitude to someone who makes it clear that they don't care about your children or your husband, who makes promises they have no intention of keeping and who can't even be bothered to reply to a text.
She's a shit mother and grandmother. It doesn't actually matter if she likes the OP or not - this is her son she is letting down.
Also hard not to compare her to grandparents who do make an effort.

The upside is that you don't owe her a damn thing, if she ever asks you for help.

It’s strange that she seems delighted when she hears about the new baby but then doesn’t seem to care. Could she be resentful of your parents OP and the amount of time you spend with them?

lazymare
someone having a different opinion is not "trolling"

Only read the first page so might be behind.

I have adult and teenage kids. If adult kids expected me to do things by ‘alluding’ to things on SM I would be completely pissed and most likely act in a passive aggressive manner. I would expect any ‘wants’ to be communicated via personal request, phone etc.

I'd change my privacy settings so she can't see your pictures.

She can still see them if DH outs any up.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad it was brilliant thanks ; I updated my second Dick and Carol post 💐

@HoppingPavlova they are sending direct, private messages to MIL on FB. It's just like textin/whatsapp. They're not 'alluding to things on social media'

She should have said earlier that she couldn’t/didn’t want to mind the children. And she should have responded to messages.

But I might be a bit unwilling to help out someone who feels about me the way the OP obviously feels about her mil.

And people should make clear, positive arrangements.

And I would not leave my very small children to be looked after by someone they didn’t know. So everyone is being unreasonable!

Shocking behaviour from her. Hope you have a good outing anyway.

In agreement with BertrandRussell and HoppingPavlova.

The tone of the OP is rather one of entitlement/expectation of childcare services, tbh. As if it's somehow a massive hardship not to have had any childfree time for (however long it was) and your respective parents owe it to you to 'help out'.

fakeniceperson you are trolling. Just stop

Don’t be ridiculous. Who do you think you are telling people to stop.

Does it bollocks!

Just because you are parents doesn't mean you aren't entitled to free time. If people are happy to watch the kids great and if they don't want to they will simply say no. Your MIL isn't bothered about her grandchildren unfortunately so I would stop trying with her.

Was she going to tell you!!! How rude! I personally wouldn't make a thing of it for the sake of sanity but I would not ask her again. Ever.

HoppingPavlova they are sending direct, private messages to MIL on FB. It's just like textin/whatsapp. They're not 'alluding to things on social media'

Uhhhmm, okay. I don’t use SM myself so wouldn’t know. I’m guessing the mum is offay with it? For myself she meant me could use FB or what’s app but it would make no difference to me. The only way I would agree to do stuff and be happy would be via direct contact, phone call .

Sort, the weekend and too much EtOH but you get the gist .

The point is that OP’s MIL has been very rude, blanking her son like this and having suggested that particular day herself finally flaked out at the last minute. If she had been straight in the first place and said she wouldn’t do it then OP could have made alternative arrangements.

This ^ is the point.

She was asked - could have said "No."

She didn't - she chose a more convenient date FOR HERSELF.

She then didn't respond to any FB messages and ONLY TODAY, hours before se is due to arrive, and HAVING BEEN CONTACTED about her intentions, has she told OP and her DH that she isn't coming.

At no time has she been proactive - she hasn't responded to messages, not did she bother to tell her own son, on the day, that she was "too tired" (HAHAHAHAHAHA).

Next time she FB's "Oooh, that's Nanny's clever boy", I'd respond with "How would you know? You never see him because you turn down every invitation and opportunity to spend time with him. I'm surprised you even recognise his photo - or are you going off the name?"

I'd block her, the bitch.

*Sorry, not sort. I really will stop now .