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Original poster

How to handle this situation with MIL?

288 replies

CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 07:31

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 06/07/2019 08:15

Of course she's not being unreasonable. Those who say she is, can't have a very good relationship with their own families. She doesn't have to help out or see her gc's but I would be devastated if my parents didn't want to. It doesn't say much for how she cares for her son and his family, especially in direct comparison to the ops own family. I feel very sorry for the son.

Op. I would stop having any expectations of her at all. Accept her for the dead beat father and grandmother that she is and support your dh in the psychological repercussions of this.
Obviously we don't know the background as to why their relationship developed as it did, but nonetheless, it's a very sad scenario that she isn't interested in her gc.

Ragwort · 06/07/2019 08:16

Phones are for old people Hmm.

Just get your DH to pick up the phone and call her, why is that so hard, is he frightened of being told ‘sorry, I’ve changed my mind and can’t babysit’, at least that way you will know and can get on with your day.

So glad I am ‘old’ and don’t have to worry about communicating via social media.

TabbyMumz · 06/07/2019 08:17

The ball is very much in the Mils court. Don't ask her again.

katewhinesalot · 06/07/2019 08:17

Dead beat mother - not sure how she changed sex there.

underneaththeash · 06/07/2019 08:18

I wouldn't bother phoning her, she clearly doesn't want to do it, it may be that she doesn't feel confident looking after the children on her own, doesn't like small children or can't be arsed. We left a small non-mobile baby with MIL a couple of times, but she could never manage more than one child or a mobile one.

Do something else.

Original poster
CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 08:20

The thing is, when DH asked her if she could do last weekend, it was nothing more than a casual 'if you're free, mind watching the DC's while we have lunch, no worries if not'... she was the one who then replied saying that the following Saturday was better for her and she'd help us out then.

So had she not picked a day that suited her of her own accord (by that I mean we didn't further ask what other dates she could do when we discovered she was busy last weekend) I wouldn't now be sitting here like 'why the fuck is she just ignoring us rather than simply saying she can't come?'

OP posts:
livinglavidavillanelle · 06/07/2019 08:21

Yes it's annoying and a bit rude to blank you both instead of replying, but I'd just let it go to be honest. It's not worth causing upset over, I would just either find a backup or reschedule. Or better still, have a nice family lunch out

fakeniceperson · 06/07/2019 08:26

FGS stop blaming her when you've engineered this whole situation from the outset.

Have a family day out with your own family eg your Dh and your DCs.

Can't believe she's now being called a deadbeat mum and grandmother on this thread now. Awful.

NoSauce · 06/07/2019 08:27

What’s your relationship like with her OP? Do you get on?

BlueMerchant · 06/07/2019 08:27

As she lives ten minutes away I'd go round there. Ask her what's happening and why she hasn't answered her DS since Wednesday and is she watching her dgc tonight or not? Be direct.
Never try to involve her again. You have tried and at least you have a stable, reliable family yourself.

crispysausagerolls · 06/07/2019 08:30

She’s extremely rude and I can’t believe some people think she’s not

Whatafackinliberty · 06/07/2019 08:30

Well you know shes not bothered about you now. I'd not be making a second more effort with the rude bitch.

Winterlife · 06/07/2019 08:30

If MIL babysits for her daughter but not you, I suspect she may not like you.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. She committed to you, then ghosted you. In your shoes, I would develop strong relationships with your mother, stepmother and father, and have your children visit them often, so they have one set of grandparents who love and enjoy them. In your shoes, I would always be cordial, but distant with MIL. Expect nothing from her and you won’t be disappointed. Just don’t say anything to your husband. It puts him in an awkward position, even if he agrees with you.

NoSauce · 06/07/2019 08:32

Never try to involve her again. You have tried and at least you have a stable, reliable family yourself

Doesn’t sound like MIL would be bothered by this. I’m guessing there’s a back story here that’s not been told.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/07/2019 08:33

@fakeniceperson it's pretty shitty to arrange something with your son and then ghost him.

If she didn't want to do the babysitting she should've just said no.

Witchend · 06/07/2019 08:33

It's a bit more complicated than just her being nasty though.

She's only seen the dgc 2/3 times in the last year, Op said. The dgc are young, nearly 3yo and 1 and a half is very young to be left with someone who doesn't really know them, especially if they don't have much recent experience of children that age.
I love that age, and wouldn't worry about having children I didn't know well to look after, but I know a lot of people who would be very nervous.

So the mil realised she's not spending a lot of time with her dgc and says she'd like to spend more. The response is "oh you can babysit". I don't think that'd be what she was thinking of immediately. My mil, who adored her dgc and loved spending time with them, wouldn't have wanted to have sole responsibility for 2 of mine at that age. She was very confident once they got to school age, but not at that age.

Yes, she should have said no straight away or at least come back and said she didn't feel confident. However, if the op went with the attitude it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change then she may have picked up on that and be not wanting to say that she's not avoiding her dgc because she doesn't want to see them, but because she's nervous about having them on her own.

Hadalifeonce · 06/07/2019 08:33

How come people have decided the OP hates her MiL? MIL said she would like to see her GC more often, a situation arose and OP, rather that ask her family, suggested that MIL might like to help out for a change; they asked MIL, she suggested the following weekend.
They then tried to confirm arrangements and MIL has ignored all contact.
How does anyone get that the OP hates her MIL, or is entitled and demanding free childcare?

Harveywallplanner · 06/07/2019 08:33

No sure how you can cool someone out you only see 2-3 times a year. That seems pretty cool to me already, especially if you only live 10 mins away.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 06/07/2019 08:34

YABU

seeing the children more is totally different to looking after them. Not everyone is into children. She may have offered out of feeling obliged but changed her mind.

That part isn't nice, she shouldn't have agreed in the first place. But she doesn't owe you childcare just because she is their grandmother. Your mother enjoys looking after them, that's great. But clearly not your MIL.

Honestly the fact that she barely sees them despite living only 10 mins away should be a hint enough. Take it. Hire a babysitter.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 06/07/2019 08:38

She sounds like a rude and flaky cow to me. YANBU

Original poster
CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 08:39

She mentioned about wanting to see the DC more after husband had asked her to babysit a few weeks ago...

She responded to DH this morning after I'd messaged her. She's not coming. She's too tired and sunburnt after going out all day yesterday, apparently!

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 06/07/2019 08:41

Why would you want to leave your kids with someone that really isnt that interested in babysitting?

NoSauce · 06/07/2019 08:41

I think it’s apparent the OP doesn’t care for her MIL, even in her first post , I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue it comes across.

NCforthis2019 · 06/07/2019 08:42

Yikes. I think she just doesn’t really care OP.
Lesson learnt. Move on. Feel sorry for your husband tbh. His own mother ignored him!

NoSauce · 06/07/2019 08:42

Has she babysat before?
What is your relationship like with her? OP

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