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Original poster

How to handle this situation with MIL?

288 replies

CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 07:31

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 06/07/2019 07:55

I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change

See, why do you think she owes you this? She doesn’t have to help you if she doesn’t want to.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/07/2019 07:56

It's shitty she let you down.
She's clearly not that interested in a relationship with you all.
I'd take her lead and drop the rope. Don't let her come sniffing around when she wants to benefit.

BlueSuffragette · 06/07/2019 07:57

Call her or message her asking her what time she is coming to you to mind the children. If she doesn't reply could you ask your mum to do it? It's a shame as it sounds like she has little interest in your children. Your husband must be gutted.

Nanny0gg · 06/07/2019 07:58

I don't care what the usual method of communication is, just phone the woman!!

Whisky2014 · 06/07/2019 08:00

She hasn't let you down yet. Id call to ask if she needed anything food wise for her time at your house and see what she says. I wouldn't be asking her if she is Still coming because that gives her an out.

CheerfulChimp · 06/07/2019 08:00

Ignore her and make alternative arrangements.

Original poster
CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 08:00

My DM is on holiday atm, otherwise she'd have gladly had the DC's for us all day. Have left a message with my DF and step mum to see if they're available at such short notice!

I just messaged her simply asking her to confirm whether or not she's coming today, as if she isn't, I'll have to make other/rearrange plans.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 06/07/2019 08:01

For me, that would be a deal breaker, I would cool her out, and follow it up with lots And lots of pics on fb of my children with my parents.

Flowersonthewall · 06/07/2019 08:02

What's app has a call function why not just use that?

Whisky2014 · 06/07/2019 08:02

Cool..so you gave her an out...

NoSauce · 06/07/2019 08:03

Has she babysat before OP?

ArgyMargy · 06/07/2019 08:03

I'm in my 50s. I find messages easy to ignore. I find calls less easy to ignore. If someone comes to my house I always open the door. HTH.

Mumofone1858 · 06/07/2019 08:04

I think if she'd been of ignoring you since Wednesday you should have made other arrangements? If my mum wouldn't confirm a time or speak to me I'd just say 'really sorry I want to go for lunch without the kids this weekend so have asked Aunty X to have them as she was able to respond'.

No point asking if she's still coming as she is obviously ignoring you and hasn't given a time so it wasn't really a set in stone arrangement.

Just write it off and don't ask her again. Maybe she meant she wanted more time with the children with you around but didn't know how to say no when you asked her to babysit?

If your parents are good I'd arrange another time with them where you know they are reliable and will show up Flowers

NoSauce · 06/07/2019 08:04

For me, that would be a deal breaker, I would cool her out, and follow it up with lots And lots of pics on fb of my children with my parents

Doesn’t sound like your spiteful ways would impact on this MIL as she doesn’t seem to be bothered about seeing her GC anyway.

trackingmedown · 06/07/2019 08:05

Lots of people don’t use the phone nowadays. We no longer have a home phone.

99% of my communication with my mum is text or social media because she is deaf

99 % of my communication with DC adult is text or social media because they are millenials and phones are for old people.

99% of my communication with friends is text or social media because they can then answer at their leisure and I don’t feel like I’m interrupting something by ringing .

All that being said, if she has blanked your DH since Wednesday I don’t think she’ll be turning up.

fakeniceperson · 06/07/2019 08:05

YABU - it's clear that you expect her to help out with the DCs as your family do but really she's under no obligation to do so.

It was your decision to have DC. Don't try to make your MIL out to be awful for not looking after them. Don't compare her to your family or guilt trip her either.

Make your own childcare arrangements in future if you must. You don't sound like you like her and you're not saying very nice things about her to her own son just because she won't do your bidding.

domestichiefofstaff · 06/07/2019 08:07

Fakenice... OP did make arrangements... with MIL...
that's not unreasonable- no is a perfectly acceptable answer but yes and then ghosting is just RUDE

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 06/07/2019 08:08

I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's

Grin how is that for CF!

You want MIL to babysit for you, at least be honest, you are not doing HER a favour, you want her to help. God knows how you presented the "favour to her", might have something to do with her (lack of) reply.

remind anyone of anything?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3628435-About-couples-making-out-that-childfree-weddings-are-for-my-benefit-not-theirs

kaldefotter · 06/07/2019 08:08

In your shoes, I'd have left it to your husband to message her.

It certainly appears she's regretting agreeing to take the kids, since she's ignoring his messages. He should send another that says that since she's ignoring attempts to confirm arrangements, he's assuming she won't be coming after all, and that you'll make other arrangements as a family.

She's not obliged to help you out, but you're also not obliged to wait around to see if she'll help. Take back control.

And it sounds like you don't like her much. That's not going to help matters. Let your husband do all the contact with her.

Grumpyandtired91 · 06/07/2019 08:09

I wouldn’t even bother asking her, ask your family like you usually do and next time she comes knocking on for a favour if politely tell her it works both ways. Shame on her

NoSauce · 06/07/2019 08:09

How often do you see her? Speak to her for a chat? Invite her round for meal or to take her out for one? What do you do for her?

Original poster
CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 08:11

It's not just with babysitting that she's let us down. I've tried inviting her round for lunch, she'll ignore me. DH will contact her saying 'planning on doing this fun day out with the DC's on X day, weathers meant to be nice, why don't you pop down?' and she'll either blank him or will be 'busy' at home.

She does get my back up because on fb all her comments on DH's photos or statuses regarding our DC's are something along the lines of 'that's my nanny's boy!!!!' and I just think... but you never give a fuck about seeing them or us despite our invites Hmm

OP posts:
NCforanonymity · 06/07/2019 08:12

I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change

You clearly don't like her and seem spoiling for a fight.

^^ this

See, why do you think she owes you this? She doesn’t have to help you if she doesn’t want to.

^^ and also this

She probably doesn’t like your attitude. Do you ever invite her round to spend time with all of you? Or just when you want something? Phone her. Sending her a PA message isn’t going to solve anything.

Original poster
CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 08:13

... I've just explained the effort we've tried to make with her

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 06/07/2019 08:14

Agree with fakenice
We had help from ILs when at work otherwise we were expected to sort ourselves out if we wanted social time without the DC. So it rarely happened.
I don't think you should assume/expect her to babysit. Plus if she hardly sees them then would they even want to stay with her?
It sounds like you get help from your parents so it's not like you don't get any support.
It's her loss tbh - she doesn't put any effort in & so as she gets older she won't get as many visitors. Up to her.

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