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Original poster

How to handle this situation with MIL?

288 replies

CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 07:31

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 06/07/2019 09:18

Is a childminder out of the question?

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 06/07/2019 09:25

I don't understand people like your MIL, I think having GC is such a joy but she doesn't.

you don't know if she works, if she is allowed to have a bit of free time .
If the kids are such a joy, why do the parents need so much free time from them in the first place?

I am all about helping family, I rely heavily on my own with my kids and we share, but I find the "we deserve some me-time" very unpleasant. No one forced you to have kids. Family members or friends should not be seen a free childcare when you feel like it!

fakeniceperson · 06/07/2019 09:25

It really isn't abnormal.

From the sounds of it OP doesn't like her MIL, compares her to her own family who help out a lot already apparently and I don't blame her for not going round to visit more.

All those suggesting emotional blackmail and social media shaming her are really immature.

Not everyone, no matter what age, whether grandparents, siblings, friends will find your children fascinating and jump at a chance to provide free childcare in the thinly veiled disguise of "spending more time with them, get to know them".

She's in her fifties, it's tiring, days out and sunburn are perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to be in some charge of young children you barely know yet.

Adversecamber22 · 06/07/2019 09:25

Some people just don’t like spending time with very small dc or babies, especially if there is responsibility involved. I adore my friends little toddler, my little mate. She had an emergency childcare situation so I happily stepped in but the little girl got upset as she couldn’t communicate what she wanted at one point. I found that upsetting myself if I’m honest. It was resolved but I found it very stressful. It was rude of her to agree and then cancel though.

I do however feel there is a backstory here, it may be one that the original poster herself is unaware of. I’m 50 I do use social media but still prefer talking on the phone. I have found messages can be misinterpreted and intonation is helpful for true understanding.

NoSauce · 06/07/2019 09:27

fakeniceperson I’m with you on this.

Hairyfairy01 · 06/07/2019 09:28

I feel so sorry for your dh. His mother clearly doesn't give a shit, not only about her grandkids but also about him. I wouldn't initiate any contact with her now. She's made her priorities clear.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/07/2019 09:28

Hello *Oldbutstillgotit!"
How did your week away go?

Original poster
CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 09:29

Neither myself nor DH asked her to babysit under the premise of her spending time with our DC's... it was something I thought to myself and briefly mentioned to DH too as he's also said about her lack of involvement in the past, so there was no 'emotional blackmail' as far as I'm concerned.

I've not said to DH about my family being more involved, simply that it would be nice if his mother was more interested. DH loves how hands on my family are, as is always so thankful for when my mum helps us out, so I suspect he is feeling pretty down right now, so of course I have zero intentions of making him feel worse!!!

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 06/07/2019 09:32

At least you won't have to worry about helping her out in her old age.

SandAndSea · 06/07/2019 09:33

She may be a difficult woman but I'm wondering if she might be upset about something.

How often do any of you go over to see her?

Original poster
CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 09:33

I'm not sure when I've implied that DH and I require 'so much free time' from our DC's... I think we've had possibly 3 afternoons so far this year courtesy of my mother wanting to take the DC's out for a while. We're not palming our DC's off on whoever will have them so let's not jump to conclusions.

Mil is of course free to do whatever she likes with her time, but when we've tried inviting her round, offered to have fun days out with her, all rejected, sat back and watched her help out SIL (who also has young dc), then offer up a day to help us out which best suited her only for her to cancel at the very last minute after days of blanking us... yes it is frustrating and confusing for us.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 06/07/2019 09:35

I think its a matter of personal choice about how much time you want to spend with your grandchildren. It’s totally fine to want to spend as much time as possible or, conversely, to feel that you are done with the small-child-rearing portion of your life and want to do other stuff.

The point is that OP’s MIL has been very rude, blanking her son like this and having suggested that particular day herself finally flaked out at the last minute. If she had been straight in the first place and said she wouldn’t do it then OP could have made alternative arrangements.

OP I just wouldn’t bother with her much any more. She doesn't seem at all keen to be involved. I do feel sorry for your dh. Perhaps she will come into her own once the children are much older? But by then the damage could be done......

NoSauce · 06/07/2019 09:36

What’s your relationship with her like and has she babysat before for you?

rededucator · 06/07/2019 09:43

I'd be posting a comment under her 'that's nanny's boy comment'. 'Nanny, x was really looking forward to you looking after him today, he hasn't seen you since y, but we can't seem to get hold of you since Wednesday. Please get in touch so we know you're still coming round this afternoon.' Call the woman out.

Original poster
CornflakesOnToast · 06/07/2019 09:45

My relationship with her used to be okay, but since seeing how little interest she has in my DC but how quick she is to act like the worlds best Nan on FB, it has made me view her differently, I'll admit. Each time we've announced a pregnancy, she's been delighted, then not given two shits about seeing the DC's once they arrived. It's bizarre. Also how easily she can blank both DH and I and never once takes us up on our offers of doing something fun all together has made me question how important we all are to her.

She's baby sat twice in almost 3 years. Once she took DC1 when he was a baby so that 'DH could have a break'... her own words! And the second she watched them one evening for a few hours, but we'd already got both DC's in bed by the time she got here so it was basically just a case of her sitting watching tv until we got home.

OP posts:
Provincialbelle · 06/07/2019 09:46

Apart from it being very hurtful when a grandparent doesn’t have any real interest in their GC, someone should have told her it it extremely bad manners not to stick to prior arrangements or communicate properly.

WizardOfAus · 06/07/2019 09:47

What did your husband say in response to her message about not coming because she was tired and sunburnt?

thedevondumpling · 06/07/2019 09:48

you don't know if she works, if she is allowed to have a bit of free time .
If the kids are such a joy, why do the parents need so much free time from them itn the first place? Well I doubt she works an 80 hour week, you can work, have free time and still have time for the people you love.

I worked, was my disabled husbands carer and still managed to have GC because I wanted to spend time with them.

The joy of having GC is quite different to being a parent. Being a parent should be a joy but it is also hard work and a big responsibility. I heard a saying once which I thought summed it up well, "Grandchildren are your reward for having children."

The point is I accept people enjoy different things, maybe you struggle with that concept and can't accept that some

thedevondumpling · 06/07/2019 09:50

sorry don't know what happened there. Some, grandparents are fit and well, live close enough to so that visiting is easy but they don't want to do it. Their choice.

Medievalist · 06/07/2019 09:51

If she helps out sil with her dcs then it does sound as if she has an issue with you and/or dh. I’d be tempted to ask her what it is.

skybluee · 06/07/2019 09:53

I'd do what rededucator says. If she communicates through social media, use social media.

I don't understand why she would literally blank you all week, it's so inconsiderate. Just let someone know, totally unfair on you and your plans. It takes 20 seconds to send a text message.

Summertimeatthebeach · 06/07/2019 09:54

Me and exh had 3 ds's. Mil never once had them in the 6 years we were together. Except when we moved house they slept there, I put them to bed and collected them at 7. She didn't even give them a piece of toast or ds3 a bottle....
Sil's dc well that's a whole thread.....
Accept she has zero interest. Change your fb to private so she can't see pics. Tell dh you know it's sucks as he must be hurt.
And move on without them....

fakeniceperson · 06/07/2019 09:55

You need to stop comparing her to your own family, that's coming across very clearly in your posts and if your dh feels upset or down about the "lack" of his mothers "involvement" (why is this even a thing? They're your kids) then you're doing him no favours by suggesting she do more.

Even when she did babysit you're now suggesting she "only" watched TV. It's not her fault dc were asleep in bed. She still gave you her time and was on hand should they wake up.

You need to have a word with yourself about your attitude towards her and perhaps relations between you will improve.

thedevondumpling · 06/07/2019 09:57

If she helps out sil with her dcs then it does sound as if she has an issue with you and/or dh. I’d be tempted to ask her what it is.

I don't think it is unusual that daughter's children get treated differently to son''s children, it works the other way round as sometimes the mother's mother is included more than the other grandmother. It must be very hurtful either way.

kateandme · 06/07/2019 09:58

could you husband go round 'check shes ok' since no contact?

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