How to handle this situation with MIL?

[CornflakesOnToast]

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

OP - I can't believe some people are giving you a hard time on here. You have every right to be disappointed and pissed off.

You asked your MIL to babysit. She said yes and that she wanted to look after the DCs more and she chose the date. She then changed her mind, didn't let you know and blanked you. So rude! She should have either said no straight away or let you know as soon as she had changed her mind.

I'd be cooling contact and never asking her for anything again. She sounds very selfish.

My PILs live in Sweden. They come for 5 months in the winter to the U.K. to “help” out with my SILs son. My DP was going into hospital for 4 weeks when they were already in the U.K. but couldn’t give me even a few days help. We offered to drive 8.5 hours and book a hotel to see them for an evening last time they were here. We were told they weren’t on holiday. They’ve seen our son once - he’s nearly 5. Boils my piss as they’re his only GPs now. My DP is long used to it now, so I see where you’re coming from OP. Your MIL is well rude.

Why do you think she has to ‘help you out’ with this non-problem? Not justifying her silence, but your attitude looks a bit entitled.

No I'm not the MIL @googlegoals and no, I won't go away @Jojowash anymore than you will unfortunately.

I'm not suggesting that the OP is manipulative for wanting to go for lunch with DH. If OP says that idea was a joint decision, fair enough. BUT the suggestion that Mil looks after the DCs to accommodate this is what I see as manipulation, including the line about giving her the chance to spend time with them (wow)! Based on the information we've been given, I'm not alone in thinking this.

Constant unhealthy comparison and resentment. I suspect there's a lot more to this story than the side being presented, as is the way of these MIL threads.

Which part is manipulative Sho? Had my DH said to me 'any chance your DM is free to have our kids so we can head out?' I wouldn't feel he was being manipulative whatsoever.
I also don't see how it's remotely manipulative for a DIL to want her MIL to be more involved in hers, her DH's and their DC's lives.
As I've stated many times on this thread, we've tried inviting her over, we've tried including her on days out that we thought she might find fun or enjoy, but we're either rejected or blanked. To contrast, she'll see SIL (albeit not constantly) and help her out, but it's like we're forgotten about entirely.

I don't see how I'm wrong for wanting my MIL to establish some sort of relationship with our DC's.

I don't make comparisons in real life, not to DH or to MIL. DH is perfectly aware himself and has commented on how much my DM does for us in contrast to his own DM. The comparisons I've listed on here have purely been to show how little she does and how as a result of how she acts, it blows my mind that she never takes us up on our offers, never gets in touch with us to see if we're free etc, especially when most other people do give a shit about their GC's and take a genuine interest in wanting to be around.

Wow what is wrong with you all (Sho being example of loads), creating your own backstory based on nothing at all when it’s as simple as simple can be. Forget it’s a grandparent, forget it’s about spending time with the kids/comparing families etc etc and imagine she was invited to lunch on X date, says sorry can’t do that but can do Y date. 4 days before Y date she’s contacted to agree arrival time and ignores the message and all the subsequent ones until the morning of Y date and finally says, sorry I’m too tired. You really think that’s ok??? It’s beyond rude and there’s no excuse whatsoever for it. Absolutely don’t get why anyone is trying to make up reasons why this might be acceptable behaviour. If she doesn’t like OP’s ‘attitude’ - absolutely no evidence for this at all!, or feels manipulated (same) or whatever, either don’t agree or if you agree and regret it, have the decency to let them know you’re not coming. Simple as that. So sorry you’ve had a hard time on here OP, there’s some v strange attitudes on here. Big hug, you and DH deserve to be treated to everyday manners at the very least and I can’t see how anyone can argue that.

How frustrating for you OP. And what a shame for the kids

I still don't understand - when the time came for your mil to turn up to babysit, what happened ? Did you contact her then ? What was her reply.?

Threads like this are what make me exhausted with Mumsnet.
FFS, of course it's not unreasonable for the OP (and her dh) to hope that his mother might come good on her commitment and babysit for a couple of hours. Of course it's not unreasonable for them to feel a little hurt that she doesn't appear to want to.
WTF is the matter with some of you?

To be honest OP if she’s really not bothered about your family I’d never bother trying to include her or invite her to anything. She’ll be a sad and lonely old lady one day and she’ll wish she’d bonded with her family then!

2 hours with your grandchildren shouldn’t be that much of a chore.

There are some people in MN who think that once you have kids, god forbid you should expect your own parents to take some interest in them. Expecting the GPs to babysit occasionally is a hanging offence.

MN is SO weird about grandparents, so bloody weird. In the real world, of course ir is unreasonable for a grandparent to put in no effort to see their DGC. Of course it is rude to cancel plans at the last minute.

OP YANBU in the slightest. I dont know why I read these threads, they always give me the rage!!

There was nothing wrong with the way your DH worded his request to his mum however I think the way you said “it would be nice if MIL could actually help out for a change” comes across as though you’re annoyed that she hasn’t helped you previously. You know she doesn’t offer so I’m confused to why you’re surprised that she didn’t come good this time.

I agree with the pp regarding your comparison to how your parents help out with your DC, I don’t think that is helping anyone if I’m honest.

You know where you stand now OP, I would leave her alone to see if she makes any effort in seeing her son and her GC.

It's hard not to compare though when one set of GPS are lovely and the other side make no effort at all.

But it shouldn’t come as any surprise that she didn’t babysit when she makes no effort whatsoever all the years previously. Personally I would never ask her to have them as it’s blatantly obvious she doesn’t want to as hurtful as that is.

I guess I am annoyed NoSauce. Annoyed that our invites are usually rejected or completely ignored, annoyed that the tiny portion of times we've asked for help over the years, she hasn't bothered, annoyed she blanked DH last week, annoyed she never seems to care how our DC's are but will claim they're 'nanny's boys' on Facebook, annoyed that she contacted me a while back and asked me what she could do to help us out, to which I said one (literally just one) afternoon of watching our DC's would be so appreciated so DH and I could grab some food/do something fun together, she happily agreed and said to name a date, then after a couple times of us asking following that conversation and always being rejected, we gave up until the other week where we tried again, and sadly wound up with the same response.

Yes, I get the comparisons I've said on here between my family and MIL may not seem nice, or might for some reason be painting me badly, but I struggle to wrap my head around how my entire family are helpful without judgements or criticisms whenever we may need them, and will gladly watch our DC's/come to ours because they want to spend time with them/us, but we seem to not be on MIL's radar at all.

I totally understand why you’re annoyed ans upset OP. I can’t understand how and why she could behave the way she has towards you and her son and GC. At least you have tried and made the effort. For whatever her reasons are there is no point in trying anymore with her imo. I would try and draw a line under it all now. I would unfollow her on Facebook though so you can’t see any more of her statuses.

I wish u were my daughter daughter in law I practically have to beg to see my g. Children except when it suits them e.g. they have to work in school holidays ...don't live anywhere near e London do you?

So she just didn't turn up when she knew you were depending on her to mind the children. Did your dh then ring her to ask where she was as she had said she'd look after the dc and you were waiting to go out ?
If so,what did she say ?
If not, why not ?

I've already been over what happened on Saturday morning bean

Apologies- I just can't find it

Of course YANBU op, despite how many will try and invent details to try and prove you are, or cite tiredness and sunburn on the Friday as legitimate reasons not to babysit on Saturday whennsued clearly decided by Wednesday she wasn’t babysitting but failed to communicate this.

Also lol at the pp who is so out of touch with reality that a family without a car is ‘alien’ to her 😆

What a nasty woman your mother in law is Cornflakesontoast
Mind you my mother in law never once babysat my dc. We asked once and she said no so we never asked again.

You've done nothing wrong here OP - fair enough, though sad, if MIL didn't want to look after your children but incredibly rude to offer, suggest a date and then blank her son! I'd be commenting on her next fb love in that if she loves them that much it would be nice if she saw them occasionally.