How to handle this situation with MIL?

[CornflakesOnToast]

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

If you want a babysitter, hire one. Expecting a relative to look after kids that young who they barely know is ridiculous.

She's handled it badly but your expectations are really unreasonable.

You can't make family want your children. I know it's hard because I've been there with DHs sister.

If I were you, I would give her one more try this morning. If she's only 10 mins away then your DH could go round and knock on the door given she's not responding to anything else. I think this has to be an issue your DH tackles as you will just be the 'bad' guy.

She may well say her phone is broken or she missed the messages, but if she comes up with a reason not to do it, then you need to forget it. She doesn't have to babysit. She doesn't have to be part of family life. If it were me, I would but she doesn't have to.

Her loss.

Relationship take effort, and if she's not willing to make that effort then she only has herself to blame when your children don't bother with her later in life.

My inlaws used to do this - just not show up when they'd told me they were coming. I can still remember so looking forward to a bit of time off, planning all the things that couldn't be done with 3 kids in tow, and then the awful disappointment. Glad your family likes to help you and spend time with the kids.

Do you know what? I wouldn't even bother with her at all. Stop messaging her, take her off social media, and make zero effort. Clearly she just isn't interested. If she contacts you, that's fine, but stop chasing her, it's too draining. Concentrate on the positive relationships your dc have with their other grandparents.

If she only lives 10 minutes from you I would send your dh over to ask her face to face as she is obviously not responding on fb.

I would also ask why she hasn’t responded?

And I agree with op stop all communication on social media.

You have a very selfish MIL. How unkind of her to let you down.

Call her up and say the dc are really looking forward to seeing nan today as it's been ages. If your not coming to look after them tell me now so we can take them for ice cream or something and break it to them gently.

I would also ask why she hasn’t responded?

She has responded. Read the OP’s last post.

Look, I know there’s all those saying she doesn’t owe you anything, you're being cf’s for even asking her to babysit etc. In the real world, a lot of grandparents love their grandchildren and are a huge part of their lives. You have this from your side and it hurts it isn’t the same with mil. I get that.

In this situation, I think you have to accept she really doesn’t give a shit. And that’s fine. You know where you stand with her. It’s horrible for your dh but you can’t force her to care or want to spend time with your dc. It does sound a bit like you only wanted her for babysitting.

Just keep things civil and do the bare minimum with her like she does for you. Don’t make you dh feel worse but pointing out how shit she is compared to your parents. That’s not fair as it isn’t his fault.

How come people have decided the OP hates her MiL?
from her posts.

Plus the expectation that everyone must be ready to babysit so they can have free time from the kids which they think they deserve! How much free time do they actually need one family already helps out, blimey. Entitled much?

If shes in her 50s is she still working?.Maybe she feels she cant cope with GC at W/E.I would feel the same as you TBH, but you cant make someone babysit can you?.I would see what happens and if you havent heard by mid morning, maybe get hubby to just give her a call to see how the land lies.In future I would just leave it .Some people cant get enough of their GC while others would prefer to take a back seat ,the fact she is posting on FB shows she is interested ,but maybe feels a little overwhelmed with the thought of 2 LO to look after !

Yanbu. This doesn’t read like you ‘expected childcare’ at all. You gave her an opportunity that you thought she wanted considering she expressed an interest, planned a day around it and she has ignored you in return. She should have just said no.

I agree - accept the relationship is negligible at best and never expect it again from her. If the FB comments get your back up, just block her from seeing them. It's a fake performance, as you well know.

Whilst I know you have family to help out, it is worth finding a paid babysitter you can trust as back up for the future.

It’s all very strange. MIL is either a selfish, inconsiderate twit who doesn’t give a toss about anyone but herself OR there is a huge backstory between her and the OP that hadn’t been disclosed.

The bottom line is that there are issues between your husband and his mother that he needs to resolve. This situation is far far more painful to him than it is for you. Unless something has happened he will have experienced it his whole life. However he is still in contact with her and I expect he loves her. That won’t necessarily change. He needs support and love to help him deal with this.

The worse thing you can do is add to the tension and pain for him. As others have said you did sort of set this up or are adding to his pain and problems with comments like “for a change” or “we always rely on my family”.

My advice is not to put yourself in the middle of this, telling him what he should or shouldn’t do. Or fighting battles or his behalf. Just ask him how he feels and give him empathy and love.

If she is seeing he grandchild 2-3 times a year then she is fairly absent from their lives. You don’t need to go out of your way to facilitate any more contact or even black what happens now.

The only impact on you is to miss a lunch. That is not the case for your husband and he needs love not anger from you.

That update OP speaks volumes. You and DH need to put her on limited profile on FB so you remain 'friends' but she doesn't get to see any of your photos anymore.

Then you stop messaging her entirely (after all your last message has gone unanswered as she replied to DH instead) & only communicate with her via DH. And he maintains whatever contact he wants but never again makes a suggestion to see the DC. If she wants that she needs to do all the running.

Oh...you gave her an out. She was bound to take it.

Next time simply message "thanks for suggesting today for watching the kids for us. Is 11am okay for you to get here, or would 12 be better for you?"

Always work on a positive assumption, then offer a closed choice.

If this were me - I'd post a pic of the two happy little children eagerly waiting to spend the evening with their Nanny ... and write under it " looking forward to spending time with Nanny tonight" - and link her to it .... then she's bound to actually turn up - as otherwise she'll be totally shown up on FB for ditching her grandkids to do something else !

It was a most wonderful relief when my PiL moved country when my children were still quite little.

There's no point in expecting anything from people like your MiL, OP. Better off to have very little contact, because then you don't include them in plans where they'll mess you about. She doesn't want to babysit. It sounds like she doesn't want much of a relationship at all, which should be a relief to you.

OP I've had a similar situation with MIL. No, she's not obligated to have DC & as they're still a toddler it's hard work. But don't offer then. We had a situation a while back where she offered to have DC (singular), ignored DPs messages all week and then rocked up half an hour beforehand saying "Goodness, was I supposed to be babysitting?". I haven't asked her since.

My own DM is one of those "here's my DGC, aren't they amazing" on Facebook but makes zero effort, and didn't even buy little one a card on their 1st birthday or take the time to visit.

So I feel your pain. Yes, as other PPs have said, she's not obligated to babysit. And it sometimes feels hard to imagine that GPs don't want to spend time with your darlings because obviously to you, they're amazing. But it's the fake "I'm an amazing Nanna" when they can't be arsed to spend two hours with them at a time and date that she actually organised, that would get my goat too.

Can't believe she's now being called a deadbeat mum and grandmother on this thread now. Awful

But she is.

She's seen her grandchildren 2/3 times in a year and lives 10 mins away (and has no outright estrangement from her son &his family).

That's abnormal (or at the very least at the very poor end of normal).

Can I stick in my Granny nose for a moment ? If you want someone to babysit , ask them if they could babysit and don’t say anything about spending time with your DC as if YOU are doing THEM a favour ! My DD did this when I couldn’t help on one occasion ( and I do a lot!) and I told her not to try to emotionally blackmailing me so she has never done it again but I know from friends that this line is frequently trotted out if they are not able to provide childcare .

And now shes agreed to babysit, suggested a day that suits her and is flaking/ not communicating .. very shitty, bad mannered behaviour.

I think you need to just take the hint. I'm a grandmother, see my GC loads even the ones who live 200 miles away, I don't understand people like your MIL, I think having GC is such a joy but she doesn't.

Don't keep flogging a dead horse, you can't make other people be who you want them to be.

Please don't make it a competition about your family being the good guys and his being bad, they are just different.