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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

395 replies

BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 12:55

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Whathappenedtooursummer · 05/07/2019 13:01

Would dp be mad if dgm didn't care about ds?
Will ds want to see dgm?
Having a stressful life shouldn't make you live in a bubble - your dm may be having flash backs of fear of losing you. She wants verification your ds is OK.
Imo humour her for the time it takes to share a cuppa them send her on her way.

Stressedout10 · 05/07/2019 13:05

In the nicest possible way you are being very unreasonable.
I understand that you had a bad reaction to the anaesthetic but it doesn't mean that your ds will infact it's quite rare so don't panic.
Also the procedure has improved and is much less painful with a quicker recovery time.
Your mum is not talking about coming to the hospital but popping in to say hi and make a fuss of your ds the next day

Bananacloud · 05/07/2019 13:07

Yabu!! And very selfish!!

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 05/07/2019 13:07

I think I can see why your DM wants to be there and it comes from a good place. But YANBU, you don’t know if your son will even be home then for one thing and sometimes after big things like this children just need a few extra cuddles from Mum and Dad but not to be made a massive fuss of.
I think you should say to her something along the lines of “Thank you for your concern and we are so glad that you care so deeply for DS. For now we’d much prefer if DS has some quiet time to recover so can you come on X date instead but if he’s doing well before that we will let you know”

No need to have a drama over what are good intentions but if she is still adamant and you don’t feel a visit so soon after surgery is in DS best interests then you need to be firm.

Stressedout10 · 05/07/2019 13:09

Btw I say this as someone who had 3 lots of eye surgery back when it involved a week stay in hospital with each. Also my dd has had 2 so far

Original poster
BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 13:09

We didn't say no to her visiting, just to see if ds would be up to it, then she has basically said I'm coming to see him anyway. I understand she is anxious, I'm bricking it too, he is my baby after all, but it feels like she is pushing boundaries here and ignoring our wishes to make sure our son is up to having visitors in the first place!

OP posts:
sunnyday1976 · 05/07/2019 13:09

I don't see the issue. She'd like to see her grandchild for a brief visit after they've had surgery. Perfectly normal to want to give them a hug. My DC has had emergency surgery twice with a weeks stay in hospital each time. All her close relatives wanted to come and see her over the first few days (which was great as I had time to go and get some food/drink etc without leaving DC alone!!)

FermatsTheorem · 05/07/2019 13:09

I think the way to go is to make sure your response is about what your DS needs.

"I'm sorry, mum, but I don't know how well DS will feel after the op, so I can't agree to any visitors, even you, immediately after because he may well need complete rest and quiet. I know you'll be worried about him so I'll let you know how the op went, and we'll arrange to meet up once he's recovered. But no visitors for the time being."

And repeat. Do the "stuck record" technique if necessary.

Yes, she'll be worried about him. Yes, it's probably bringing back all sorts of memories of your childhood. But no, that does not mean she gets carte blanche to visit the day after his op. This is about your child's needs, not her wants, and she's an adult, she should be able to cope.

Frenchfancy · 05/07/2019 13:12

Why do you have a problem with your mum wanting to visit when your ds has had an op? She obviously cares.

CacenCrunch · 05/07/2019 13:14

I don't see what your DP is so furious about! What's the harm in letting her visit

Stressedout10 · 05/07/2019 13:14

@BillywigSting
You do realise that its about a 20 min opp and is really nothing to worry about, have you considered talking to someone about your health anxiety

dontlikebeards · 05/07/2019 13:15

You would be really upset if your DM wasn't interested. She cares about you and your child. YABU

Sirzy · 05/07/2019 13:15

I think you and your partner are at risk of letting your stress turn this into a much bigger issue than it needs to be.

megletthesecond · 05/07/2019 13:16

Yanbu. She should leave your ds in peace for a day or so. See how he feels first.

EKGEMS · 05/07/2019 13:16

My child has had numerous surgeries and procedures so I'm no rookie when it comes to these situations but if I had anyone insisting they would be there my ire would be raised. Yes I understand a negative reaction to general anesthesia probably scared the hell out of Grandma previously but there's nothing she can offer that the parents and staff cannot. She sounds like she's going to cause additional stress that no one wants or needs at that time. Yeah she's a nurse but not her grandchild's personal nurse

Aqueo517 · 05/07/2019 13:17

Posts like this make me a bit sad. I might be a mother in law one day,I hope I’d be allowed to pop in with a few little gifts for being brave,a quick peck on the cheek and then go.

Does she have form for staying for ages? I just don’t understand the harm if she’ll just pop in for 5 minutes. Your DS won’t need to get out of bed or talk to her or anything, it’s not like visiting an adult after surgery.

You sound like you’ve got a lot going on but your DH needs to be more accommodating. Your mum sounds lovely. Don’t take the stress out on her.

MyOpinionIsValid · 05/07/2019 13:18

Such a non issue - and your DP is an arse.

formerbabe · 05/07/2019 13:18

I really don't see the issue with a grandparent visiting their grandchild after an operation. Confused

Yabu

Beechview · 05/07/2019 13:22

Do you get on with your mum?
If not, then don’t tell her about the things you don’t want her involved with.
I don’t think she’s asking for much just to pop in and see him. Unless she needs hosting and entertaining as part of her visit.

ChicCroissant · 05/07/2019 13:24

I'm with the OP here, while it is nice she wants to visit and see her grandchild, it's for the OP to say if he is up for a visit rather than the grandparent's decision!

Sindragosan · 05/07/2019 13:24

How far away is your mum? If she's close by and can pop in for a short visit and go home, she's not being massively unreasonable. If it's far away and will take a lot of time and effort, unreasonable to plan it when you don't know how well everyone will be.

ICanWearMyBoobsUpOrDown · 05/07/2019 13:26

YANBU at all.

You've said wait and see, and she has said she's coming regardless.

That would piss me right off.

I would give her a day to visit a week or so after the op but tell her you'll keep her updated about the surgery.

This is your child, not hers, what you say, goes.

MatchSetPoint · 05/07/2019 13:26

I don’t see a problem, child’s grandparent wants to visit him the day after surgery, it will be nice for him to see a friendly but different face. It’s not the actual day and she’s just being a good Nanna in her eyes. She’s not suggesting she takes him out is she? Just simply wanting to see him. sorry but YABU

Birdie6 · 05/07/2019 13:30

I can't see why your house sale, husband's job security , your new job in two weeks, or the new oven, would impact on your son's surgery. Just let his grandmother visit and give him a cuddle !

DarlingNikita · 05/07/2019 13:30

I'm not sure why your DP is 'furious' – a bit irritated I can imagine – unless there's a lot of history.

She IS being very pushy. The response to 'we'll see how he is' is obviously 'Yes, sure, let me know.' I'd tell her very firmly that you will let her know when/if it's OK to visit. If she keeps on, just reiterate. Tell her if necessary that if she turns up uninvited you just won't let her in or engage with her.

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