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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

395 replies

BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 12:55

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

OP posts:

Lunde · 05/07/2019 14:06

OP is NBU - the sensible thing is to wait and see if the child is up to the visit or not

Surely visits should be in the child's interests and not because pushy granny cannot wait an extra day or 2.

FriarTuck · 05/07/2019 14:07

YANBU. Why do her wants come before yours? You sound like you have a lot going on and a little understanding from her about how you feel about your son’s operation would be better
This ^^. It's OP's son and OP's house. She's not saying DM can never visit, she's saying that they'll wait and see how it goes. Given that DM is obviously not so far away that she needs to book flights and hotels and can instead just pop in I can't see why she can't wait until OP says that all has gone well, and DS is home and up for visitors. If he does end up feeling crap he might prefer DM to wait another day until he's back to normalish and can appreciate the sympathy vote properly!

GPatz · 05/07/2019 14:07

You could also say that why do Grandparents these days feel so entitled to demand to see their Grandchildren as and when it suits them.

And as for 'being selfish', 'wind your neck in' and 'get a grip'

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/07/2019 14:09

It depends how he feels really, I wouldn’t have appreciated visitors after my ga.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/07/2019 14:10

I have a Mil who isn’t very bothered about my dds. My own Mum would have been like your Mum, but she is no longer alive. Honestly I would treasure having a really loving grannie for your son. It may come with irritations, but as someone without a mother now, I say you will be immensely grateful in the long term that your own Mum cares so fiercely for her grandchildren. When my dd was in hospital last year it wouldn’t have occurred to my Mil to visit. My own Mum would have been straight there.
I know which type of grandmother is more of a blessing to a child, someone else to love them as much as you do is a wonderful thing. Don’t fall out with your Mum for loving your son.

diddl · 05/07/2019 14:12

"I know which type of grandmother is more of a blessing to a child,"

Yes-the one who respects & listens to the parents.

SeaToSki · 05/07/2019 14:13

YANBU

Alsohuman · 05/07/2019 14:14

@GPatz, grandparents “these days” have expectations based on the way they related to their own parents. It would never have occurred to me that my mum wouldn’t want to see my son after an op or to try and stop her. Chances are he’d have been asking “Where’s Granny?”.

SVRT19674 · 05/07/2019 14:14

Well, translating from Spanish, an ex boss of mine used to say, that the correct answer to the vice of demanding, is the virtue of denying...There.

HennyPennyHorror · 05/07/2019 14:16

I'd be FAR more concerned at my partner being "furious" that my Mum wanted to visit my child than anything.

That's weird.

Belfield · 05/07/2019 14:20

I don't understand why your partner is furious. This seems like an over reaction. Your DM said she would keep it short if he is not 100%. I can't see the problem and the events (change of company etc) are day to day life events that will always be there. I can see I am going against the grain but I would be more concerned about your partners reaction tbh.

PuppyMonkey · 05/07/2019 14:21

I would also be a bit about the "wild horses couldn't stop me" comments. A nice simple "hope it's okay if I pop over for 5 mins just to say hello" would have probably been a much more acceptable approach for OP.

Namelessinseattle · 05/07/2019 14:21

Take the texts out of it. At the end of the day you don’t know how you’ll feel on the day so there’s no point sorting out every eventually in advance.

Regardless of what’s been said or arranged Ring her the day of the surgery when he’s awake and say he’s not up to it, or he is up to it. No point having a struggle for power now. You don’t know how you’ll feel.

HappydaysArehere · 05/07/2019 14:24

This seems very odd. Why shouldn’t grandma care enough to want to make sure ds is okay after surgery. She is a nurse and her professionalism is another factor in this as well as your previous experience. Why should a brief visit cause all this agro? I think your and dh’s anxiety is the real problem so don’t add to it by getting so worked up about a normal reaction by a gran.

LL83 · 05/07/2019 14:24

My mum would be there and I would never stop her.

If he isn't up to visitors I would pop out to talk to her or she could come watch him sleep with me.

My son had an emergency hospital visit, all ok but my mum and sister came as they wanted to see him and I was glad for their support. They never needed permission my son is their loved one too.

missbattenburg · 05/07/2019 14:25

I had serious surgery as a child. It happened just after my parent's divorce and something went wrong during surgery that required emergency intervention. i.e. it was not plain sailing.

Through that my mum 'put up' with a visit from my grandmother - her STBEMIL and someone she'd never really got along with - because my grandma wanted to be see me soon afterwards and be nearby, just in case anything happened.

I am so thankful Mum did and wasn't inclined to make a massive drama out of it. Plus, it was really nice having my wider family around to pop in an see me a few times a day.

GPatz · 05/07/2019 14:27

Alsohuman

The GP's see DD and DS frequently, but I know they would absolutely respect any of our wishes. MIL and FIL waited with us during a minor operation for DS, who was 18 months at a time, at our request, but would never have demanded to do so otherwise. They would have made it clear that they were there if we needed them and that they would be round when we are ready. It's why we all have an extremely good relationship.

MoanyAnna · 05/07/2019 14:38

Saying " I am coming anyway etc . . . " is just words and expressing how she feels. Come the time, phone her and say if she can or cannot pop round. She is only showing that she cares after all.

LilQueenie · 05/07/2019 14:43

yanbu. does she think as a nurse she has special rights to see him. I would be against the whole boundary pushing thing too. Its nothing to do with having or not having a grandparent in their lives either. Its about respect and she is not giving you much of it.

anomoony · 05/07/2019 14:44

YANBU.

Posts like this make me a bit sad. I might be a mother in law one day,I hope I’d be allowed to pop in with a few little gifts for being brave,a quick peck on the cheek and then go.

When you're a mother in law (or a grandmother), I hope you understand that your grandchild's surgery is not about you and how you feel but about them and what their current needs are. It might be best to wait one more day to see them, and what's so horrible about that?

BatShite · 05/07/2019 14:44

YABU. Well, your DP is being unreasonable, and you seem to be backing him up. Why on earth would he be 'furious' that your mum wants to see her grandchild after surgery?! I could understand if she had invited herself to the hospital or something, but wanting to see him the next day is no issue surely?

Also, I wouldn't worry too much about the bad reaction you had as a child, such a reaction is rare and its quite unlikely your child will have one too.

Bunbunbunny · 05/07/2019 14:46

Yanbu your dm is being selfish, is it actually in your ds best interests she visits? No she can come see him when it's suitable for you.

SunshineCake · 05/07/2019 14:47

I can't believe the poster who is !!! And saying your being unreasonable and over dramatic. He is your son not your mothers and caring is about listening to what the parent wants not just about wanting to see a child. Bloody hell. Some people are so pathetic.

formerbabe · 05/07/2019 14:49

I don't see why a visit from grandma the day after surgery would potentially be stressful for a child? Surely he'll be chilling on the sofa no doubt and she'll give him a cuddle and maybe bring him something? It's not like he will have to be wearing his best clothes, cooking a meal for her or entertaining her is it?! It's family fgs.

jameswong · 05/07/2019 14:51

YANBU.

This place is a parody at times. OP, repost this next week with all mentions of your DP removed and you will get 100% YANBU responses. Pathetic.

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