Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

[BillywigSting]

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

Does she have form for pushing in when she's been asked to hold back? Is she normally a boundary-overstepper?

Is there any other back story going on between her and your DH?

I agree with you OP actually, even if most don't. Fine for her to be worried or want to see him, but if someone says it isn't convenient for you to visit you don't say well though, I'm coming anyway. It is rude. We may think other people's boundaries are unreasonable but here both OP and her husband have said no. She can see him a couple of days later.

OP, does your mum often overstep as it does seem there may be a history here with your husband being furious

It's not her wanting to visit that's the issue, I totally understand that, it's the insistence on visiting the next day when we have said just hang fire and see how he is. If he's up for a visit she'll be most welcome, but saying 'I will pop down the next day, wild horses couldn't stop me' is totally ignoring our request. We just don't want to get him riled up when he's probably going to be feeling crap already. The other grandparents all have the same message. None of them have demanded to see him the very next day, just when he is ready (which may well be the next day but no guarantee)

Is it an ongoing thing-her riding roughshod over what you & your husband say?

Of course there's nothing wrong with her wanting to visit & asking to do so.

It's the not taking any notice of the reply that is pissing people off.

Well tough*

Unless there’s a massive back story your partner needs to wind his neck in and allow your mum to behave like any normal granny. What a fuss about nothing.

So what granny says just goes does it, even though both parents have said to wait & they will let her know when it's convenient?

I suspect those who think the OP is BU don’t have controlling parents! I get why you’re upset. She’s essentially putting her needs/wishes before his!
You: ‘Let’s see how he is’
Her: ‘I’m coming regardless’.
I imagine there’s loads more back story about your relationship but I would stand by your own choices as to how he is and don’t let her in if he’s not up to it!

If my mum didn't want to come and see my kids after surgery I'd be upset.

Mother in law is different we don't see her as much but my god id expect
my mum too.

Agree with you OP. Yes she cares but she is pushy. Her comment of wild horses couldn’t keep her away would make me dig my heels in deeper. How disrespectful. She’s treating you like a child and ignoring your wishes. Wild horses might not be able to keep her away, but YOU could. Just simply say no.

Like I said we haven't said no you can't come that, just said let us see of he'll be up to it. And she has basically said tough I'm coming anyway whether you like it or not. There is a bit of backstory but it's not overly relevant. The other stuff is just ongoing stress and we could really do without more due to family fallouts!

People on here seem to have very formal arrangements when it comes to visiting family. Surely it's normal to pop round? It doesn't have to be a huge fanfare does it? She's surely not expecting a three course meal and your ds to perform a soliloquy from Shakespeare for her?

She is a nurse and your post reads like she works in the same hospital ie 'pop down' - it would be seriously fucking odd if she didnt pop in to see you.

Christ, what is wrong with some people.

you are getting worked up over a loving dgm popping in for a few minutes. are you more upset about her popping in or is your dp making this harder than it really needs to be if you are "having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum"

Unless there’s a massive back story your partner needs to wind his neck in and allow your mum to behave like any normal granny.

😀 Even without a back story, If anybody needs to wind their neck in is OP’s DM. The child is OP’s and her partner’s, not her DM’s. She doesn’t get a say in things unless OP and her DP let her have a say.

Both DP and I have stressful and controlling mothers, so I really sympathise with knowing that your feelings and wishes always come second to hers. Sometimes you have to choose your battles. If this is one for you then calmly text that you will let her know when you're home and settled. Then ignore the responses.

yabu get a grip

So let her keep him company while you get on with sorting the other bits for a while. Or just hop in the shower or whatever.

Ds has just had more surgery and I can’t imagine telling his grandparents who love him they can’t nip in. No extended visits fair enough but a quick half hour?

Haha all these overbaring and overcaring grandmothers here. Just NO!
op has the right to say no. Or to say whenever suits her. It is not op to her 'd'm to announce that she will be coming over.

Just tell her more firm op. Just tell her: no visitors until i will let you know. Thanks mum.

What if DS feels like shit and doesn't want any visitors? Does Granny still get to ignore that so can do as she likes?

I'm with OP here, "wait and see" is the best option. Granny is not being prevented from seeing her DGC, just the timing is dependent on the child.

I can see why you're annoyed, OP. I think the mistake was hinting politely, in the first place, rather than saying No. She didn't take the hint. You (you and husband) entitled to decide when your child sees visitors after surgery, even if you're being completely unreasonable she should respect that.

Be clearer from now on - a friend used to talk about pissing on his boundaries, and it makes good sense.

YANBU. Why do her wants come before yours? You sound like you have a lot going on and a little understanding from her about how you feel about your son’s operation would be better.

Why are people so possessive about their children these days? Grandma can’t pop in the day after minor surgery. Newborns can’t be visited for weeks, even by grandparents. My grandparents were always around when I grew up. They were a huge feature in my life and I had a whole crowd of people who loved and cared for me. It was lovely and nobody had a problem with it.

My first born was diagnosed with asthma when he was 3 months old and was rushed to hospital several times with severe asthma attacks. My parents and in laws, along with various other family members would all trip up to see him.
My son was more than happy ( treats and cuddles galore ) I loved it because I could go get food and drink and just take a little peace and quiet, or even go home for a quick shower and clothes change.
Your mum is doing what any other loving grandma would do. Please don't keep her away. I'm a grandmother myself now and when my grandkids have been in hospital, I've been worried sick until I've seen them. My kids are adults and I worry still when they're poorly. I'm a mum, it's what mums do.
Your mum sounds lovely, she loves her family and wants to do her best by you all I would imagine.
I'm not going to have a pop at your DP, but he needs to stop the dramatics. It's a simple op ( one of my siblings had the same op ) There really is nothing for your DP to get dramatic or over emotional about.

YANBU

Your mother can wait an extra day to see him.

Your partner also needs to chill, your mother is clearly being rude, but being angry isn't going to help, and you should not have to play peacemaker right now.

I hope the surgery goes well and you get it sorted soon