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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

395 replies

BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 12:55

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Original poster
BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 14:52

Just to be clear, dp is not furious because dm wants to visit, but cross because she has basically said 'well I'm coming anyway' when we have said we want to be sure he up to having visitors after a general anesthetic. If he's up to it, she is more than welcome. But only if he is up to it.

I certainly wasn't.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 05/07/2019 14:54

I don't get the 'up to having visitors' line. What's your ds going to have to do if she visits?

LL83 · 05/07/2019 14:57

He will either be fine or sleepy. Either way 5 mins from gran should be easily accommodated. If not she will be there to support you.

"Wild horses" comment to me suggests she doesn't need him "visitor ready" or expect him to chat or play she just wants to see him. Because she loves him.

ModreB · 05/07/2019 15:00

I do not think YABU. You need to see how DS is after the surgery, before having people, including inlaws, come and visit him. And I do think that your DM is being VV unreasonable in basically walking over your choice to allow visitors or not. Just because she is a nurse, she does not get to say what goes.

Bluerussian · 05/07/2019 15:09

Stick to your guns. Waiting a day or two will not hurt your mother. Your boy comes first.

HW89 · 05/07/2019 15:12

I would quite like my mum to come round regardless of how dc was even if just to give me a cuddle! Maybe she wants to check on you too, given that she has been through this with yourself when you were younger.

IsAStormApporaching · 05/07/2019 15:12

YANBU.
My ds had an op under GA.
It was ment to be day surgery but he needed oxygen support for a while afterwards and ended up staying over night.
When he was in his OP my mum popped by gave me a wave and blew a kiss threw the window and left.
It was nice to see her.
The next time she then seen ds when he was home the next day.
It was nice to see her but also nice there was no pressure to make plans for visiting etc. We kept her posted and she waited until ds was well enough.
You and your dh are not saying no, just wait and see if he is up to it.
Thats not unfair in the slightest.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 05/07/2019 15:13

You're being ridiculous.

CacenCrunch · 05/07/2019 15:13

Seems DP was cross when she suggested it, before insisting that she was coming anyway (after which he was furious). I don't see why DS needs to be 'up' to a visit either, why can't she see him while he's ill?

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross

Original poster
BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 15:15

He is the type of child who does not like a fuss made of him when he is under the weather, he just wants to be left alone, and as lovely as my dm is she just talks too much when you are feeling rotten. But he also gets himself overly excited when we have visitors and is liable to burn himself out. He is only 5

OP posts:
Purpletigers · 05/07/2019 15:15

You’re both being unreasonable. It’s a simple operation and your child will in all likelihood be absolutely fine the next day . Don’t be so controlling , it’s not a good trait .

Alsohuman · 05/07/2019 15:15

What does “up to having visitors” even mean? How could he possibly not be up to seeing his granny for five or ten minutes?

Purpleartichoke · 05/07/2019 15:16

My dd has had surgery twice. The most recent was not little. The grands came and just set eyes on her, waved her a kiss and left. Dd was tired, but they just needed to see her for a second.

NoSauce · 05/07/2019 15:17

DS won’t know or care! Don’t make a fuss out of nothing. If she didn’t want to visit you’d be complaining that she didn’t care.

NoSauce · 05/07/2019 15:19

he is my baby after all, but it feels like she is pushing boundaries here and ignoring our wishes to make sure our son is up to having visitors in the first place!

He’s 5 ffs not a baby. You sound like proper hard work OP.

Original poster
BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 15:21

No he didn't get cross until the wild horses comment. No other gp are making such a fuss, even my mil, who has form for behaving very childishly, is accepting that we as parents decide when visitors are allowed.

OP posts:
Original poster
BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 15:24

It's not the visiting that is the problem for the millionth sodding time.

It's the 'I'm coming to see him regardless of what you say' that is the problem!

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 05/07/2019 15:27

The responses on this thread are surprising, your mother is rude insisting she will visit. It’s disrepectful to ignore your wishes. As has been said tell her she can’t visit.

HiJenny35 · 05/07/2019 15:29

Oh for god sake, your not being u reasonable, neither is your husband. You've got loatds on, you're tired and stressed and having your child go through an operation even small is incredibly stressful. If you want some time to calm down after that's fine. Tell your mum you are all very stressed and could she leave it the day after and come the day after that. Yes she wants to see him but it won't hurt her to wait one more day and if it will take stree of when everything is so full on then do whatever is best for you.

QueSera · 05/07/2019 15:36

It's nice that your DM cares enough to want to see him straight away - but it's not great that she is dictating this, over your potential wishes. She needs to know that you decide when visits happen, not her.

PlatypusPie · 05/07/2019 15:36

The DM is an experienced nurse who has specific experience nursing her own daughter post operatively from the same surgery. I would have thought it would be a useful visit.

ControversialFerret · 05/07/2019 15:39

It's not about the visit - it's about the attitude. That she wants to come when she feels like it and doesn't give two hoots about whether it's convenient to do so: I don't care what you want; I'm coming anyway.

She's missing the point that it's not about her. And instead of thinking about the fact that you are the parents and know what's best for your child. This is not about keeping her away - it's asking her to be respectful of the fact that this is your child, not hers, and that you and your DP make the decisions concerning his welfare. That includes when it's appropriate for him to have visitors after an operation.

Topseyt · 05/07/2019 15:41

I really couldn't get het up over this.

It is a fairly simple operation. I had two corrective eye surgeries myself when I was just a bit younger than your DS is. Techniques have evolved and improved enormously in the intervening years (I am 53 now) and I understand that the time spent under GA is now very minimal. I have heard that these days they often even use Botox if the surgery is to realign the eyes. In my day they had to actually cut, trim and stitch the eye muscles. It took much longer and was often not as accurate.

I'd let her visit. I can't see that it is worth the energy of being furious about it. I would have quite liked more visits from my own parents while my children were growing up, but they took the "we've done our bit, your turn now" to another level, only giving help in fairly extreme circumstances. I knew that I couldn't ask, even if my back was really against the wall. They were determined that everything had to be very hands off and at arm's length, preferably on the other end of the phone.

Your mother sounds the opposite. Perhaps a little too far, but I can't see the problem with her making a quick visit.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/07/2019 15:43

Surely the “wild horses” thing is just a turn of phrase ? If you feel she is generally dismissive of you , then chat to her about that.
I would imagine that as a nurse, she will be able to judge how well your ds is in the day. Doesn’t she just need the reassurance of seeing him ?

My Mum could be annoying, all Mums can be annoying, but this seems to be coming from a caring place, not a bullying place ?

GPatz · 05/07/2019 15:44

PlatypusPie

This is the exact reason why we asked MIL to wait during our DS operation when he was 18 months. That was at our request however and was not a demand from MIL.