Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

[BillywigSting]

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

"If he is very lethargic and in pain then they will not be in his best interests and will not be welcome"

If this is so, I'd think a visit by a trained nurse would be very welcome indeed.

Not sure why you posted in AIBU, OP when you wish to disagree with the people who think YABU.

Also, I can't imagine any 5 year old refusing to see his Grandmother unless she was the devil! I find it really odd.

Also your DP is being a bit of a dick and putting you in an even awkward position. In fact, it really comes across like he's the one with the problem with your mum and you're just having to play along with it.

If this is so, I'd think a visit by a trained nurse would be very welcome indeed.

She’s not visiting as a nurse though, she’s visiting as a grandparent that the OP has said is overbearing and not helpful when her DS is unwell.

She’s not visiting as a nurse though, she’s visiting as a grandparent that the OP has said is overbearing and not helpful when her DS is unwell.

So she will forget all her nursing training as she's visiting as a grandparent, I think not.

Your DM sounds a bit melodramatic from that message. She's making it about her.

I don't think it will do any harm for her to pop in, though, and it might cheer your DS up a bit.

Hope the surgery goes well and you have him home quickly

I hope his surgery goes well and he's up and about and in good health soon afterwards.

Its very quick surgery. The kids are normally released at lunchtime. Why assume the worst. All my kids have had numerous day surgeries for a variety of different things. All have bounced out of the hospital not a bother on them. We went visiting on the way home so a quick visit gro. Granny the next day is not unreasonable . I hope you have told the child theyll be right as rain leaving the hospital and act like its not a big deal and you dont pass your anxiety onto them.

Is this thread still going?!

I find it quite odd that so many on MN seem to keep their own parents at arms length. Sure, if it’s some more distant relative or someone bringing loads of kids round then it’s reasonable to say you’ll need to see how he is. But your own mum? Why be so formal about her popping over? Your DP sounds like he’s annoyed for the sake of it.

Those of us who keep our parents at arms length usually do so for a reason. We've learned the hard way that things that should be straight forward (like popping in after an op to see the GC) have huge potential to go horribly wrong.
A kind person would drop in, offer to help, read the signs quickly if it were not a good time and then exit promptly.
A more needy person would arrive, be oblivious to the needs of the poorly child, expect to be waited on, make a fuss about how worried they are and how awful it's been for them, overstay their welcome and take offence if anyone hints it's time to leave.
The red flag is that the mum won't accept that her DD doesn't want to make any firm plans for visits and repratedly insists she will come anyway. A more helpfull response would be to say 'sure, let us know when he's ready for visits or if you need anything,.' And that would be the end of it.

@BillywigSting

THIS

Sorry meant
@WorraLiberty

You and your DP are Very unreasonable. It sounds like you and he just don’t want her there because she will try and take over?? Or something along those lines, your LO will probably enjoy a visit from his nanny.

This is not going well

@MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent

This

You shouldn't have to justify not wanting visitors to your house for any reason regardless of the circumstances. Least of all on MN!

If you don't want your mum there just tell her no.

She can visit the next day, or the next or the next.

Your and your dh's preferences matter. It's your house. Your ds. That's it. What you say goes.

YANBU op. You're putting the needs of your child first. You don't know if he is going to be up to visitors and have said wait and see. That's not a no, it's a maybe. Your DM is putting her own needs and insecurities before your childs need and your wishes as the parent. 'I will go out of my mind if I don't see him'! - that's not about your childs needs, thats about your mums.

How is you DS, OP?

your

I would leave it for now - there is no point in having repeated conversations, which all seem to be going in circles and everyone is getting cross. Ignore it all. If on the day itself ds is not up to visitors, then call and tell them, but there is no point in everyone getting there knickers in a twist at this stage.

Their