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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

395 replies

BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 12:55

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Bignicetree · 05/07/2019 16:45

You get more unreasonable with every post .
Ridiculous of you to say " we'll see how he is"

Bignicetree · 05/07/2019 16:46

In what sense would he not be up for a visit ??

perplexedagain · 05/07/2019 16:48

And I disagree with the comments earlier that close family aren't visitors - of course they are - unless they actually live with you! By definition

Original poster
BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 16:50

Well pretty sure if he's just sleeping and puking (as I did) then he's not going to be too happy about people fawning over him.

Like I said he's a child who wants space when he's under the weather not cuddles or cooing

OP posts:
HiJuice · 05/07/2019 16:55

DM should ask if it's ok for her to come round - if you say 'we'll let you know' she should respect that. She doesn't have the right to demand it.
You should let her come as soon as your DS would appreciate the visit (which it's obviously your intention to do anyway). If it's something that's likely to keep him restricted for a few days he's more likely to get bored as time goes on so the visit might be more beneficial once he's over the initial phase.

The fact that in some families people just come over is irrelevant - this is clearly not one of those families.

It seems to be the DM who's creating all the drama here, not the DP. DM needs to be told she's creating friction and to leave it.

cabingirl · 05/07/2019 16:59

YANBU

I find it really odd how many posters on here don't think it's okay for a parent to say no to visits from a grandparent.

When I was feeling really ill as a child I only wanted my Mum (and to a lesser extent Dad) around.

That's what "we'll see how he is" means - if he's upset and hurting and just wants quiet Mum cuddles then it's better to have no visitors - better for the child and for the parents. Grandma will just have to be patient - her needs don't outway her daughter and grandson's.

If he seems fine then the OP has said she will let everyone know they can visit.

cabingirl · 05/07/2019 17:00

This is one of those posts where the voting buttons would be really interesting.

lyralalala · 05/07/2019 17:04

Blimey my MIL lives with us (and we had an open door policy before that) and she still said to let her know when DD was up to visitors.

It’s not about the Grandmother wanting to visit, it’s about the Grandmother deciding her wish to visit trumps everyone and everything else.

Even if the OP and her husband were being over protective - he’s their child and he’s having surgery, they don’t need her stressing them out by pushing her point.

ChicCroissant · 05/07/2019 17:07

In what sense would he not be up for a visit ??

In the sense that he's 5, he's had a general anaesthetic, his eye cut and stitched and is likely to be in pain and just want his parents, Bignicetree?? The OP has had the same surgery so she has a fair idea of how he'll be feeling.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2019 17:08

And I disagree with the comments earlier that close family aren't visitors - of course they are - unless they actually live with you! By definition

You can get your dictionary out if you like and point out specific definitions.

But in many people's lives, family members pop in/out and often have their own keys.

Some people 'host' Sunday dinner when their parents come and others have their parents pop in for a bit of dinner.

Lots of people don't class their family as 'visitors'.

Sirzy · 05/07/2019 17:09

Or the distraction of visitors may do him the world of good.

But I think this long stopped being about the child and is now a battle of wills between three stubborn adults

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2019 17:10

'Fawning' and 'cooing'?

You don't sound as though you like your mum much to be honest. I suspect this is at the heart of it.

So you and your DH will be 'fawning' and 'cooing' too?

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2019 17:11

But I think this long stopped being about the child and is now a battle of wills between three stubborn adults

Yep, spot on I think.

formerbabe · 05/07/2019 17:14

Lots of people don't class their family as 'visitors

Our parents are dead, but my sister and I are always popping round to each others. We don't class each other as visitors. She'll pop over and doesn't matter if I'm in my pjs, the house is a tip or whatever. We will help ourselves to food and put the kettle on.

Friends coming over or more distant relatives calls for the house to be tidy, food prepped, drinks offered, properly dressed...those are visitors!

Alsohuman · 05/07/2019 17:15

Got it in one.

bellinisurge · 05/07/2019 17:16

My Mum was a nurse. And she had sense enough to have respect for the healing process and the importance of quiet and no visitors. She was at the end of a phone if I needed her and would drop everything to come and f I really really needed her.

lyralalala · 05/07/2019 17:19

We don't class each other as visitors. She'll pop over and doesn't matter if I'm in my pjs, the house is a tip or whatever. We will help ourselves to food and put the kettle on.

My family is like that. I still wouldn’t go and see someone’s post-op child without checking first.

Even if internally I was thinking they were being over protective or whatever. Family should be the people you can trust to say ‘no worries’ if you say can you wait/come tomorrow/wait til we’re home because you are close enough to be honest with them.

diddl · 05/07/2019 17:25

" is now a battle of wills between three stubborn adults"

Maybe.

In which case what a shame Op's mum didn't just go along with Op & wait to be told when it would be OK to visit.

elliejjtiny · 05/07/2019 17:30

Yanbu. My sons have been in hospital a lot and I have seen loads of post op children. Although it's a simple thing to the surgeon it's a difficult time for the child and parents and you don't know how you and your ds will feel afterwards. Much better to play it by ear and see how things are. By the way I had this operation when I was 8 and then ds2 had it done when he was 5. Ds recovered so much quicker than I did, hopefully your ds will be the same.

Freespirit24 · 05/07/2019 17:35

@BillywigSting

What do all your stressful situations have to do with your mum wanting to visit her grandson?

She is just worried, and there is no need for being pissed off! Your DP needs to realise that your mum is family and surely her wanting to show care should not be a problem? Does your DP not like your mum?

werideatdawn · 05/07/2019 17:36

You're all being very extra.
Husband throwing a tantrum, mother kicking off, you huffing. You all need to chill and be rational. It's a small op, he'll probably be fine, it's all good. Seriously.

Lola999 · 05/07/2019 17:37

Stop making a huge issue out of this.
Your mum wants to pop in to see her grandson , probably with treats, attention and tlc

If he was staying in hospital she would do the same at visiting hours so what is the problem?

I sympathise you've a lot going on, but your new job, the oven and your hubbys job has nothing to do with why you and your husband are getting so worked up about granny visiting

Your husband needs to calm himself... what's he so cross and furious about any way??????

This is not a time for him to cause problems between you and your mum!

Rosemary46 · 05/07/2019 17:42

I’m a MIL and I would want to support my DD and her partner at this stressful time as well as seeing my grandchild. So I’d respect their wishes about when was best to visit.

I’m afraid that some grandmothers want to make everything all about them, so they end up alienating their adult children and their partners.

Lola999 · 05/07/2019 17:45

Some parents want to make everything about them so they end up creating fuss and drama unnecessarily and alienating granny

The post was all about OP and her husband! Their jobs even the bloody cooker got brought into it! Anything to add on an extra bit of drama sure Hmm

Throckmorton · 05/07/2019 17:46

YANBU. She's clearly not listening to you though - I would reply to her next statement that she will be there with something like - "as we have discussed, if he is well enough then of course. We will let you know. Please don't keep on about this as we need to focus on DS and this repeated back and forth is upsetting everyone." Then don't respond to further demands. If DH wants to be the one manning the door and not letting her in then that's up to him as it's as much his door and his DS as yours. Ie don't get drawn into worrying about that one! Good luck!