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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

395 replies

BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 12:55

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

OP posts:
plasterboots · 13/07/2019 19:08

Oh come on @MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent OP has said that have history, she's stated that she referees! I'd put my fiver on DP deciding that DS isn't up to it, wouldn't you?

This is a clearly hands on DGM, she takes her DGS swimming every week, she's not turning up out of the blue.

DurhamDurham · 13/07/2019 19:08

I'd want and hope to see my grandchild if she needed surgery. Close grandparents aren't just 'visitors', we don't only want to see grandchildren when they're at their 'best', we want to be there when they're not well to help where we can. I've spent all night up with our granddaughter when she's been poorly, luckily both my daughter and her partner see the benefit in our relationship and happily accept offers of help and support. I'd be gutted to be classed as just another visitor. I lived hundreds of miles away from family when my girls were little, I'd have loved some help and support, especially when they weren't well.

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 19:10

@DurhamDurham excellent post!

DurhamDurham · 13/07/2019 19:15

Why thank you Plaster Grin

TooManyPaws · 13/07/2019 19:18

There's an awful lot of inability to understand that other people's family relationships are not all the same as yours. Just because you would be happy to see a grandparent come round to see a child after surgery regardless of the state of the child's health, it doesn't mean that everyone would - because, surprisingly, not all grandparents are the same personalities. I can't imagine anything worse than having suffer an overbearing relative who insists on their own way when I'm ill (though you might be happy about it), however good our relationship when I'm well. A decent human being would be guided by the needs and wishes of the patient or, if a young child, their parents.

Yes, your family may be different but is it so difficult to understand that not all people and families are the same as you?

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 13/07/2019 19:18

I agree - good post!Grin
And as a good grandparent would you still insist on visitinging if your DD said he was too poorly/tired?

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 19:24

And as a good grandparent would you still insist on visitinging if your DD said he was too poorly/tired?

A fleeting visit from a caring DGM is not going to make him more poorly or more tired. But again as I've said before I thought no this is a power struggle, nothing to do with the needs of the child, more the needs of the DP to pull rank.

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 13/07/2019 19:29

But that's not what I asked... Would you insist on going irrespective of your dd's/her dp's wishes?

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 19:29

A decent human being would be guided by the needs and wishes of the patient or, if a young child, their parents.

Jesus, the DGM is fully involved in DGS life, takes him swimming every week, is clearly close to him and you don't think she's a decent human being????

What would you call her if she had nothing to do with the DGS, a wonderful person?

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 19:31

@MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent no how could someone, he's not going to answer the door..... now that would cause DGS distress. I would t go because of that. He has 100% control....

DurhamDurham · 13/07/2019 19:31

I can't imagine that would be the case, at least not while she's still little. Maybe when she's a teen Grin I'm always available for hugs and cuddles, when they're clingy and unwell it's good for the parents to be able to have a break.

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 19:32

@MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent I'd be interested in you answering the post I tagged you in.

ohfourfoxache · 13/07/2019 19:51

At this stage I’d be telling her no even if he is well enough for a visit.

She has absolutely no boundaries and she is obviously used to walking all over you

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 13/07/2019 19:52

plasterboots - not sure what your question was?

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 20:01

Oh come on @MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent OP has said that have history, she's stated that she referees! I'd put my fiver on DP deciding that DS isn't up to it, wouldn't you?

This is a clearly hands on DGM, she takes her DGS swimming every week, she's not turning up out of the blue.

@MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent this one

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 20:17

At this stage I’d be telling her no even if he is* well enough for a visit.

She has absolutely no boundaries and she is obviously used to walking all over you*

She's a caring and involved DGM, are you the DP? That makes it all about control and not the child...

xmasbamechange · 13/07/2019 20:19

I’m sorry but both my parents and my MIL are very close with my children and I would hate the pressure that this puts on you and your DS to make sure you don’t mind anyone coming round. Yes it’s not just a random person but his Nan BUT that doesn’t mean that the day after will work, the OP isn’t saying a flat out no (which I do think would be a little U) she’s saying that’s fine, let’s just see how he is. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. Everyone trying to say that the DP is being controlling and it’s a power struggle etc. Well I’m sorry there is no power struggle because him and OP should have the last word in what works best for their child. She may have anxiety about her Grandchild having an op, has anyone thought that OP’s DP also might and he just wants to make sure everything is alright? I would be FUMING if not only was my child having an op but that my MIL was informing me when she would be round. Errr NO.

Surfingtheweb · 13/07/2019 20:23

Unless there is a huge backstory YABU, he is her grandson and she loves him, A LOT.

ohfourfoxache · 13/07/2019 21:33

It has fuck all to do with “a caring and involved DGM”, but everything to do with a “d”gm who is incapable of putting her wants below her grandson’s needs

Oldermummy2019 · 13/07/2019 22:51

Some people have no appreciation of what’s good for them, your mum loves your child and all you can think about is pleasing your Partner, I bet your mum will be there supporting you and kids if your Partner chose to not be in your life. It’s no wonder some men find it easier to abuse women because we are so keen to put family and friends as not important as soon as some man comes alone. A lot of women would kill for a supportive grand Mama. Grandma is not just for Christmas you know. The fact that she is a nurse makes her double useful because she will be better able to spot it your child is not receiving the right care. Appreciate your mum. A few minutes won’t kill anyone.unless of course there is something you are not telling us?

thedevilcamefromthehimber · 13/07/2019 23:00

Your child your rules simple. Doesn't matter if it's grandma, auntie or sibling! Play it by ear and see how your child feels. If they aren't well enough then Grandma will have to fuck off and if she doesn't like it tough stand your ground OP. I'd be fuming if any of my parents did this.

Original poster
BillywigSting · 13/07/2019 23:09

I am not putting my partner first I am putting my son first.

My dm is the only relative who has demanded to see him. Everyone else has respected our wish to just see how he is first.

We have not said she can't visit. We have said we want to be sure that visitors are in his best interests.

If he is not too lethargic and in pain then they will be in his best interests and are very welcome.

If he is very lethargic and in pain then they will not be in his best interests and will not be welcome. Her being worried does not trump that.

Even my mil who is typically the difficult one is respecting our sons needs come before her wants here. Both dp and sil have had surgery under general as young children so she is aware how stressful the situation is.

OP posts:
historymystery · 13/07/2019 23:30

Your partner is controlling you may just not be admitting it to yourself yet.

Out of curiosity who came up with curfew idea? Surely it's good sense to come home in time for bedtime routine it doesn't need to be a formal thing with you telling your parents you and your son had a curfew?!! Madness.

LL83 · 14/07/2019 07:23

Your mum isn't "everyone" your son will likely be ready for visitors so the argument is unnecessary.

IF he is unable to have visitor tell her at that point as the likelihood of this is low. At the moment it is a hypothetical argument causing you and mum stress for no reason at all.

If my partner was annoyed my mum wanted to see my son in would tell him to get a grip, she loves him and that is a good thing. I would also tell him I will make sure she doesn't come if needed he should not get into a discussion on a group family chat on it.

Oldermummy2019 · 14/07/2019 11:01

How is stopping a caring and qualified nurse grandma from visiting him when he is unwell putting your son first? If she turned up and he was in no fit state she could just go way, but at least he will know granny is always there for him no matter what. A lot of people will appreciate more people like that in their lives enhance the bond don’t get in the way.

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