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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

395 replies

BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 12:55

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Original poster
BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 15:49

They are cutting and stitching (with dissolvable stitches) his eye muscles under the white of his eye because he needs quite a significant correction.

While he shouldn't be under for very long (half an hour to 45 minutes) it's still very stressful, especially because I remember how shit I felt after mine, how much it hurt, and at the moment he is a perfectly happy and lively little boy, but in a couple of weeks he will not be, because of something I have agreed to, which while ultimately for the best, still makes me feel incredibly guilty.

I don't need the stress of my mum making an even bigger deal out of this (she has also text me to say she will go out of her mind if she doesn't see him), and my partner being in a foul mood because she won't respect wait and see for an answer

OP posts:
Original poster
BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 15:52

We have now both asked her multiple times to please just wait and see if we want him to have visitors and she keeps repeating that she will be popping in. Not a 'please' or 'if it's ok' to be seen.

Dp is also now being dramatic saying if she knocks on the door uninvited she won't be let in.

Ffs. Just what I need.

OP posts:
Billben · 05/07/2019 15:54

Wild horses" comment to me suggests she doesn't need him "visitor ready" or expect him to chat or play she just wants to see him. Because she loves him.

Wild horses couldn’t keep me away means nothing will stop her from coming. In this case, not even OP and her partner.

Sirzy · 05/07/2019 15:55

Your all turning it into a bigger deal though now by going on and on about it. Seriously leave it now until the day after see how he feels and take it from there.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2019 15:56

I think your DP comes across as horrible at worst and a drama queen at best.

She's his gran. It wouldn't register with either me or my DH that we should be annoyed about her wanting to pop in.

It's not like she's insisting on taking him to the zoo for the day.

Billben · 05/07/2019 15:56

I completely agree with your DP being pissed off at his wishes being ignored and not respected. Your DM has no boundaries. Time to teach her some.

EKGEMS · 05/07/2019 16:01

The pediatric old school way of not addressing pain correctly is dead and gone,OP and his pain postoperatively hopefully will be as minimal as possible. I've found my experience with pain as a pediatric patient is far different than my son's experience it is taken far more seriously.

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 05/07/2019 16:01

No matter how old you are, you will always be your mums baby, and the love and protectiveness she has for you and now your baby is huge, she just wants to be there for you all to show her support to you all. I can understand her over protectiveness is a bit much at times but she’s doing it with good intentions and from love, one day in the future this will be you as the grandma and you will want to do exactly the same.

PanamaPattie · 05/07/2019 16:03

Text her and tell her that if she does turn up, she will find a locked door. She is pushing her luck. I get that she wants to see DS but her needs are not your problem.

Original poster
BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 16:06

Yes I no doubt would want to do the same, but I would also respect my grandchilds parents wishes regarding visiting and not demand to see them the next day if it was not convenient.

Once again, it's not that she wants to visit. It's the fact that she is telling us she will be when we have specifically said please let us see how he feels first. If he feels alright there should be no problem, if he doesn't, it will be more of an issue.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 05/07/2019 16:07

When my DS1 had minor surgery I was only too happy to have my mum and MiL come by straight away. But then neither of them were the type to get my DC overly-excited when they were ill. They just cuddled him, spoke softly, brought him a little treat, and watched telly or read him a book whilst I got on with what needed doing.

I'm not saying you should bow to her demand but is there a possible compromise? Are her words hyperbolic or is she really incapable of just quietly seeing your boy and simply giving him a cuddle then leaving?

formerbabe · 05/07/2019 16:09

I find it really weird that person view close relatives as visitors. It implies you need to host them and that it should be specially arranged. All families I know would just pop round.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2019 16:12

Exactly formerbabe

Just pop in, say hi, ask if he's ok, leave a few comics/colouring books and then go.

That's what my family have always done.

OhThatsASnazzyBouquet · 05/07/2019 16:12
Shock
LilQueenie · 05/07/2019 16:13

I remember my sister having this surgery and her eyes were covered for a few days despite only one eye being operated on. I understand why it will be uncomfortable for your ds. It would be difficult for an adult.

This is not about being allowed to visit its a boundary issue and one that needs sorted before your ds comes home from hospital for his sake.

Alsohuman · 05/07/2019 16:14

It’s not for the child’s sake though. This is a tussle about which adult gets their own way. It’s ridiculously childish.

AuchAyeTheNo · 05/07/2019 16:15

My dd has minor surgery last year and only me and DH were visitors. All grandparents waited until we were home and settled before visiting.

I’m with your DP on this one. You have no idea what that day will be like and what time you will even get home, takes forever to get discharged.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2019 16:17

It's for both the child's sake and the gran's.

It's always lovely to know the wider family care about you if your really ill or have had an operation.

I used to light up when my grandparents brought a balloon or a comic, even if I was too ill to speak sometimes. In fact there were times when I thought I'd dreamt their visit.

HeadSpin5 · 05/07/2019 16:20

OP has explained over and over it’s not the visit itself that’s the issue, it’s the fact DM’s completely disregarding their wishes.

OP YANBU.

NoSauce · 05/07/2019 16:22

Yep, close family aren’t visitors. They don’t need to ask if it’s ok to visit in this house. Open door whenever.

I’m guessing there’s a battle of wills going on between the OP and her mum or some other huge back story.

ohhelloitsyou · 05/07/2019 16:26

“Mum were a bit stressed at the minute with everything going on. Can you hold off until things settle down a bit please” to the point and explains exactly why you need space. Very reasonable too

ohhelloitsyou · 05/07/2019 16:28

Unless she you feel confident enough to say to mum “we’ve got no oven and ds will be having surgery etc, can you do us a favour and help us out a bit with bringing dinner” etc
Perhaps she could actually be helpful?

tomatoesandstew · 05/07/2019 16:41

These type of things are less about the smaller things and more about the bigger issues generally.
Is this the latest issue of you or dp feeling like your mum does't respect your boundaries? Is it out of character for her to insist on coming over at a point that you or dp would rather she came at a different point?
Are you both wanting some space cause you're super stressed and also want to hibernate with your child for a little bit without anyone else there?
I think it's fair to tell your mum clearly that you would like her to come on a different day particularly if you're going to make it clear that you will keep her thoroughly updated during the day and are really looking forward to meeting with you when he is up to it.
I am really clear when i am in hospital when i do or don't want to see / speak to people - doesn't mean i don't love my friends and family but often other people aren't conducive to rest and relaxation even when we love them a lot

perplexedagain · 05/07/2019 16:42

OP YANBU. Your mum comes across as self-centred and selfish.

Don't see why she just couldn't have said - 'hope it all goes well and let me know if I can do anything to help. I'd like to visit but let me know best time for DGS'

Instead she is making it about her and her anxieties / feelings. Just tell her not to come unless you invite her, and if she ignores you, don't open the door.

Missingstreetlife · 05/07/2019 16:42

Something about being a nurse? Overstepping boundaries. EE how it goes, he may be ok. If not, your child, your decision, and his actually if you ask him on the day.

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