AIBU - ex alcoholic not wanting to go on boozy holiday with strangers

[shemustbetiredofsomething]

I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for eight months now, save a couple of slips that I have absolutely eaten myself alive with guilt for when they have happened. I keep a dry home - no alcohol allowed in - and when friends come for lunch or dinner they can bring what they want to drink on the proviso they don't get too plastered and they take it away with them afterwards. It's the only way I've managed to stay sober because if it's in the house, I'll drink it. I used to have an active social life around pubs and clubs with work, and I just don't go in them any more, apart from the odd family meal with DP and DC, but very rarely and it always makes me quite edgy. I leave social events before they get to the witching hour, which DP is fine with, as that means they can have a drink and let their hair down without worrying about me. I've definitely changed in the last eight months, I'm a bit more reclusive and anxious, but I'll take that over being addicted and out of control, to be honest.

Next week we are due to go abroad to DPs sisters wedding, for a week. We are all staying in a villa together - around a dozen of us - which I didn't realise until last week. (I thought me, DP, DPSis and Groom were all staying as a four, not as a dozen, and DP apparently thought the same but has squirmed a bit and got defensive when questioned, so not sure if that's quite true or not.)

The wedding group are now all in a WhatsApp group together and it is FULL of booze chat. I'm worried i'm going to be in a week long party house (none of them have or are bringing children - my DC is staying with my Mum) in the middle of nowhere with complete strangers. DP doesn't seem to realise how difficult this is going to be for me, but I also don't want to poop all over sisters wedding.. Either I come out to a dozen strangers as an alcoholic and make them all feel awkward all week around me, or AIBU to consider not going? Or how would you cope/survive? It's literally in the middle of nowhere. I don't think DP would forgive me not going, and I feel silly for not clarifying earlier, but the closer it gets the more I'm dreading it to the point where I hardly slept last night and I'm fucking miserable at the thought of it.

Advice?

PS @MNHQ - not for email roundup please, thankyou.

I think you’re in a really difficult situation. Well done on your 8 months dry, that is a great achievement. I’m assuming from the way you wrote that no one else knows in this group about your alcoholism?

For me I think I’d come clean, say you don’t think you trust yourself to go and be surrounded by all that alcohol, and stay home with your DC, and relax. Your OH can go and enjoy the wedding without guilt or concern for you. I’ve been in big villas with mates, and we did drink a lot more than we would have done at home, it’s the holiday feeling I think.

Good luck whatever you decide.

YWNBU to consider not going, as it would appear that your 'D'P has kept the arrangements secret, probably knowing that you would baulk at them if you knew the truth - and now you do. OP, in your position, I would protect my sobriety above all else. That doesn't mean you can't go to the wedding, but could you and your DP stay somewhere else? You are self aware enough to know what sort of situations are dangerous for you and warning bells are clanging in your head at this week-long living situation.

My advice, sit your DP down and be honest. Tell him you cannot stay in a 12-person villa that's going to be a week-long party. Then give him the choice - either the two of you go and stay somewhere else that you can escape to, or that's it, you're not going.

I’m adoras i don’t have the answer for you but I wanted to say how admirably committed to your recovery you sound, and also sensitive to not wanting to make his sister’s wedding all about you.

Can you speak directly to the bride and find out if there are any other accommodation options?

How do feel about telling people you are in recovery? If that makes them feel uncomfortable then it’s their problem, but I understand how it is your personal info and it’s up to you if you choose to share it.

A whole week in a villa with people drinking while you're struggling with alcohol? I wouldn't go.

Adoras?! Afraid!

I assume that your sister-in-law and her partner know about your situation ? I can see why you want to avoid this boozy house party - there is no way that you could stay away from the alcohol in that set-up. Is it possible for you and your partner to go, but to stay somewhere else for the week ? Or just go for the wedding and then go home ? Surely if your partner and his sister understand your struggle, they wouldn't expect you to throw yourself into such a situation. I'd hope so anyway.

Sending good wishes to you on your journey xx

I don't know much about alcoholism but I think you shouldn't miss out on the party. soft drinks should be provided. if anyone asks say I prefer not to drink alcohol all the time if they make you feel uncomfortable they are not real friends. well done on giving up.

Could you and dp stay somewhere separate?
Or any chance you can get there for the wedding then come home?

Other than that, you should probably pull out and let DP go. You need to talk openly to your DP about your struggles and how this week could be too much for you whilst you are getting to grips with being sober.

I think you deserve more support from your DP. There must be a compromise that doesn't put your recovery at risk.
Its up to him if he has his nose put out of joint. Did he prefer it when you used to drink?

Do whatever you need to do to stay sober. Alcoholism is an illness so I think it would be OK to say you are "ill" and not get the flight out.

I don't know much about alcoholism but I think you shouldn't miss out on the party. soft drinks should be provided. if anyone asks say I prefer not to drink alcohol all the time if they make you feel uncomfortable they are not real friends. well done on giving up

if you don't know about alcoholism, then you should probably not give advice.

Don't go. I have 17 years of sobriety, and wouldn't put myself in that position. My rules for going out with people who are drinking are: 1. Only with people I trust 2. Only when I am able to make my own way home (i.e. not relying on anyone for a lift) and 3. Only with people who I know would be happy to leave if I had had enough. What you are talking about sounds like a recipe for disaster.

DPSis and partner know about the alcoholism. Do I just drop it like a bomb in the WhatsApp group and say 'oh yeah hey guys, i'm an alcoholic in recovery, I don't want to poop on the party so I'll probably keep myself to myself a bit and have some early nights but I'll bring earplugs and sleeping pills! Sorry if that makes anyone feel awkward, thought it was easier to say now than when we're out there!'

Because even just typing that makes me cringe feeling like I'm making it all about me, when that's the last thing I want to do. I don't want anyone else to feel awkward or judged or have to tiptoe around me, but I also don't want to have to smile politely and decline drinks from a dozen people all week, because I'm setting myself up to fail.

Could you just stay with your mum ?? Use the DC as an excuse.

Well done on staying off the booze........8 months is still very early days though. And the people around you need to respect that

OP I agree with what PPs have said. Your sobriety needs to be the most important thing and if that means you don't go then so be it. Your DH isn't being as supportive as he should be imo but that's a separate issue. Better you're at home and can relax than be on edge all week and possibly fall off the wagon and feel guilty for ages afterwards.

I would put that message in the group. I’d be cringing if I was there offering you drinks etc not knowing! I’m sure everyone would much rather know and have it out there.

Do you know the room layout etc? Might be good to try and bag one that looks to be away from lounge etc if possible?

I wouldn't go. The problem is you're trapped if something goes wrong. It's not like a hotel with separate rooms.

Unless you speak to DP's sister about it, or the group, and explain the situation. I'd actually give that a try before deciding not to go, as what have you got to lose if you're not going to go anyway? You may as well try to discuss it. Who knows, is anyone else in the same situation in the dozen?

If you are thinking about going, then I would put the message in the group. It might seem cringey, but, if you are anything like me, not as cringey as the kinds of things you could do with a few drinks inside you!
I would also look to see if there are any AA groups close to where you are staying. Even if you don't currently go to AA, having somewhere to go where you can talk to similar minded people will help. Alternatively, you can check out the online AA meetings, and make sure you have the helpline number to hand.

I’m in recovery. I wouldn’t go. Your sobriety has to come first. Also, you already mentioned a couple of relapses, so it hasn’t been a clear 8 months. (Not judging, been there!) I’ve been sober for three and a half years, go to meetings etc, and I wouldn’t be going either. It isn’t worth the risk as based on your words, and the lack of support offered by DH, your recovery is too fragile.

I'd be honest and tell them what you have told us in your last post.

well done on your recovery - I think your message sound perfect and tbh wouldn't think anything of it if I received it in similar circumstances other than to be conscious of how I acted, it might also encourage people to arrange activities rather than just drink

Op well done on your sobriety. You've done so well and I'm cross that your dp doesn't realise how hard this is. I wouldn't go either but if you do, then ABSOLUTELY write that message. Alcoholism kills. If they can't be supportive of your continued progress they're not great human beings so by giving them a heads up now you're able to prepare both yourself and those around you.

I think you shouldn't go. It's too big a risk. Remember how you felt when you slipped up recently? I assume you were able to get back on track more easily then than you would on holiday.

What's your partner's attitude towards your drinking in the past and your sobriety now? Did he hate you drinking too much? Does he say you're not as much fun now? Does he want a drinking partner so that he doesn't have to face up to his own problems?