AIBU - ex alcoholic not wanting to go on boozy holiday with strangers

[shemustbetiredofsomething]

I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for eight months now, save a couple of slips that I have absolutely eaten myself alive with guilt for when they have happened. I keep a dry home - no alcohol allowed in - and when friends come for lunch or dinner they can bring what they want to drink on the proviso they don't get too plastered and they take it away with them afterwards. It's the only way I've managed to stay sober because if it's in the house, I'll drink it. I used to have an active social life around pubs and clubs with work, and I just don't go in them any more, apart from the odd family meal with DP and DC, but very rarely and it always makes me quite edgy. I leave social events before they get to the witching hour, which DP is fine with, as that means they can have a drink and let their hair down without worrying about me. I've definitely changed in the last eight months, I'm a bit more reclusive and anxious, but I'll take that over being addicted and out of control, to be honest.

Next week we are due to go abroad to DPs sisters wedding, for a week. We are all staying in a villa together - around a dozen of us - which I didn't realise until last week. (I thought me, DP, DPSis and Groom were all staying as a four, not as a dozen, and DP apparently thought the same but has squirmed a bit and got defensive when questioned, so not sure if that's quite true or not.)

The wedding group are now all in a WhatsApp group together and it is FULL of booze chat. I'm worried i'm going to be in a week long party house (none of them have or are bringing children - my DC is staying with my Mum) in the middle of nowhere with complete strangers. DP doesn't seem to realise how difficult this is going to be for me, but I also don't want to poop all over sisters wedding.. Either I come out to a dozen strangers as an alcoholic and make them all feel awkward all week around me, or AIBU to consider not going? Or how would you cope/survive? It's literally in the middle of nowhere. I don't think DP would forgive me not going, and I feel silly for not clarifying earlier, but the closer it gets the more I'm dreading it to the point where I hardly slept last night and I'm fucking miserable at the thought of it.

Advice?

As a recovering alcoholic I would say your not being unreasonable not to go. You sobriety has to come first because without it everything else goes out the window. If you decide to go I think the advice of getting to some meetings is a good idea.

Areyoufree's experience looks similar to what my husband , who is 5 years sober., does. Our home is dry, I still like a glass or two of wine out at dinner, but him finding ways to stay safe and well is more important to me than being able to chug cocktails in front of him.

So, no I wouldn't oblige him to spend a week in a villa with heavy drinkers cut off from escape in the first place!

What on earth is your DP thinking?!

You are not being awkward. Would/could he go without you?

Is your mum and DC also going to the wedding but staying elsewhere? Could you stay with them if so?

If not I think I would be honest with the group about your abstinence from alcohol. They may be sympathetic to your plight and tone things down. I held a hen do when a relative got married. The bride and her mother had given up alcohol some months previously and although most of the party drank we made no fuss about the non drinkers and had a ball.

Previous poster mentioned AA. If you don't already attend meetings, I'd recommend you start. Chatting with other people about stuff like this is exactly what they're great for.

I'm 22 months sober. I would not go in this scenario. Even if you are not tempted to pick up a drink, the whole thing sounds awful. My stress levels would be through the roof.

Will your husband be drinking?

I wouldn't go or find other accommodation. It's too risky. 8 months is very early on to be putting yourself in harms way. Also you don't have to say anything about it to anyone if it's going to make you feel vulnerable. Just do what you have to do to keep yourself safe including not go.

Don't apologise don't explain!

Yanbu.

If you go to the wedding I wouldn't stay in the house with ten people drinking. No way. You'll be on edge all the time and if you slip up there no way to escape.

Your dp needs to have your back on this.

If it's possible to book yourself different accommodation close by (so if your dp wants to go to the villa you can go for a bit and escape later), I would do that. Otherwise don't go.

I wouldn't put anything in the what's app, I'd go and see the bride and explain the situation - that you didn't know you'd be staying with a large group and it's not possible for you to be around drinkers for an extended period of time. Obviously you will have to pay for both your new accommodation and the one you are not using, but your DP should have thought about that before letting this go ahead.

Sorry, just reread your post and you don't specify that your DP is male.

Also, you state that they do drink as they stay out after you have come home. I think if you do go you need to consider how supportive DP will be. The fact you have a "dry house" presumably means that they don't drink at home so that's good.

Well done on the 8 months OP.
My DM is an alcoholic in rehab, I doubt she'll stay dry when she comes out, and it will kill her. Sooner probably rather than later.

If you're not comfortable making it known that you're an alcoholic say you've had to stop drinking for health reasons, you can't drink with your medication, you're on a strict calorie-controlled diet.... if you were on a strict diet they wouldn't try and make you eat chocolate, so maybe if you slant it towards your not allowed to drink any more and make it sound medical?

I wish my mum had had the balls to tell people she had a drink problem, and I wish you all the joy and strength in the world in your recovery.

I actually imagine your family and friends would be supportive, rather than dismissive, if you told them. I am pretty sure close friends and family would have an idea anyway, although they may not realise you are now completely clean, and trying to stay clean.

I think it depends on whether you feel that with support, you could resist the temptations when the alcohol is available, and others are drinking.

If you don't think you can, you would be better sitting it out, I reckon.

Either you go and tell everyone in WhatsApp group that this is the situation fm

Or you dont go - preferred option imo.

What does your OH think of the situation?

Op well done on quitting.

This is your health and wellbeing and it's more important than a wedding. I would not go. IT sounds like this is quite a heavy drinking holiday with people looking forward to hitting it hard - even if they respect you as much as possible, there will be a lot of drinking going on and alcohol all over the place.

If you had a stomach bug - you wouldn't go. So just see it as a sickness - either you stay in completely different plce and your husband goes off there to drink - or you don't go.

Don't go or stay elsewhere. I have addiction issues and your sobriety must come first.
I'm shocked at your dp putting you in this position

Your sobriety is paramount. Do whatever you have to do to stay sober and make no excuses for it.

My brother is a recovering alcoholic and when he's feeling particularly vulnerable he'll either skip a family function or ask me if it can be dry. We have no problem with either request.

If you and your DP can't sort separate accommodations, then you stay home. Your DP should be 100% supportive of either option.

I tentatively just spoke to DP about my concerns, who said 'I'll look after you', which isn't quite the response I wanted but I can't put my finger on why not. I don't want to be 'looked after' like an unruly child, I want to be supported. And the two aren't the same. DP said 'we can go for walks in the day and do our own thing', but it's not the daytimes I'm worried about, it's the long boozy evenings. It seemed quite clear from our initial chat that not going isn't an option, though. I'm so miserable about it.

I took a call from a close work colleague earlier and told her I'll be away next week and gave her a brief outline. She was horrified for me, but DP seems to think I'm being unreasonable to be concerned.

These aren't friends - I've never met any of them before except for bride and groom, and even them only twice. They aren't people who give a shit about my best interests in the way that close friends and family do. God, what a mess.

How will he look after you? Looking after you is not putting you in situations where you're uncomfortable and worried about your health.

If you can't handle alcohol being in your home when you're at home, how will you handle it when you're away? Cos surely they'll leave it laying around or in cupboards or the fridge. I'd speak to them, it's a legitimate health issue. I'm concerned this trip will take away your coping strategies.

I would send your message- you worded it really well. But could you just go for a day or two before the wedding and leave the following day? 3/4 days would be a lot more manageable than a full week.

I'm married to an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in 21 years.

For the first several years he just avoided situations where there would be drinking. We had to miss a couple of weekends away each year where we'd been meeting up with old friends because they involved trips to the pub and drinks over a takeaway all evening. Gradually he took to going to events where drinking featured, finding a soft drink he liked and being prepared to leave when he needed. After all there's only so much Coke a person can drink in an evening. I continued to drink, but I've never had more than one or two and then I'm ready to leave and I always checked that he was really OK with it, not just being polite, before I ordered a drink with a meal, or brought a bottle home. The two of us eat out less as the part where you sit over a bottle or two of wine is missing.

He always made it clear that he had given up drinking. People's reactions were interesting. Quite often that look of 'maybe that's not a bad idea' passed across a face. He had a mentor, an acquaintance who had given up a year before, and who would listen and understand when DH needed to moan. Being known as the guy who gave up, he was turned to for support when other people gave up.

While I was always ready to leave somewhere if he needed, immediately, without a murmur, and to check if he needed me to avoid drink, I never 'Looked after him'. How patronising. He's a grown adult who is doing something very difficult for himself. He doesn't need to be 'looked after'.

If this situation had arisen for us in DH's early non-drinking years I would have encouraged him not to go and I wouldn't have gone either, unless he wanted me to (if it was my family, maybe). He would have told them why. The majority were very supportive and impressed. We didn't waste headspace on anyone who was difficult, we just drifted away from them.

Good for you. You're doing the right thing. Don't beat yourself up if you lapse, just pick yourself up and keep on on the path to a happy, healthy you who doesn't have alcohol in your life, but has plenty of other good things. And who has found out who your real friends are.

I'd say don't go.
It will be a disaster for you if you relapse, and even if you don't relapse, (and even if nobody ever offers you a drink) it will be a completely miserable week for you having to be around obnoxious drunkards, while you are sober.
Occasionally it's not bad during a single evening - seeing everyone else shitfaced will often strengthen your resolve; but days on end is just too much.

Maybe do a Skype on wedding day.

Well done on eight months -- you're in your ninth month which is sometimes known to be a difficult one.

Please protect your sobriety.

Speaking as the wife of a recovering alcoholic. Put your recovery above everything else. You have to do what is right for your health, everyone around you can either like it or lump it and your DH needs to understand that more than anyone. You don’t owe anyone anything, apart from yourself - you owe it to yourself to keep making good decisions for your health. So make the situation work for you, if that means not going then don’t go and don’t feel bad about it.

Well done on your 8 months. I think you have to protect that at all costs (and i mean all). Either don't go or stay elsewhere - i wouldnt stay with them. You need somewhere with you and DP so you dont have to turn up and be with them.

Well done on 8 months, you must have woke incredibly hard to get this far!
I really, truly recommend not going, or at the very least not staying in the villa, and it's very disappointing that your DP is not being supportive.
If you do stay, I think its definitely a good idea to send a group message. In a pre wedding holiday type atmosphere, there's a very high chance that the people there will try to persuade you to stay and drink. At least if they know this is likely to nip it in the bud.

I think try and find other accommodation.
If not then I would be honest on WhatsApp or ask dp or someone in the wedding party to say something. If they don’t know they will be constantly offering you drinks!
And if you say now on WhatsApp it means you haven’t got to repeat the conversation so many times whilst you’re there

"Look after you"? Is he committing to being your 'sober companion' the entire time? To being sober himself 24/7 then? Because he's not 'looking after you' if he's sitting around drinking with the rest of them and just watching to see that you don't. And that includes 'just a beer', 'just wine with dinner', 'one little cocktail', and 'one glass of champagne for the wedding toast'. And even if he says he'll do that, can you trust him to stick to it once he's there and under pressure to drink from these other people? No, I doubt it.

I'd give him an ultimatum, either you AND he find separate accommodations (and reasonable cost shouldn't be an object if it's for your sobriety) OR you simply bow out and he goes alone.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. Firstly I want to say congratulations on your 8 months sober - as the child of an alcoholic I want you to know what an amazing thing you are doing for your DC.

I really echo what @acrossthepond55 said, if I can quote: "Your sobriety is paramount. Do whatever you have to do to stay sober and make no excuses for it. " Great advice.

I wouldn’t go OP. The alternative would be to get yourself to the wedding only and then leave, whether that’s taking later flights or staying somewhere else.

A villa holiday with a load of people already excited about their child free boozy week sounds like such a bad idea for you. To keep yourself safe you may need to keep yourself very separate. If you don’t tell them they WILL nag and pester you to have one, go on you know you want to, what’s wrong with you, join in! etc. Or you have to tell them, people you don’t know, and then either they think they can’t have a drink or that you disapprove of them or that they have to tiptoe around you - but no one knows you well enough to chat to you in a way that wouldn’t be horribly intrusive.

You’ve done so well. Don’t jeopardise it now. It is such early difficult days and your DH should have your back more than he has. Would he consider going without you? He might like the opportunity to drink freely himself?