AIBU - ex alcoholic not wanting to go on boozy holiday with strangers

[shemustbetiredofsomething]

I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for eight months now, save a couple of slips that I have absolutely eaten myself alive with guilt for when they have happened. I keep a dry home - no alcohol allowed in - and when friends come for lunch or dinner they can bring what they want to drink on the proviso they don't get too plastered and they take it away with them afterwards. It's the only way I've managed to stay sober because if it's in the house, I'll drink it. I used to have an active social life around pubs and clubs with work, and I just don't go in them any more, apart from the odd family meal with DP and DC, but very rarely and it always makes me quite edgy. I leave social events before they get to the witching hour, which DP is fine with, as that means they can have a drink and let their hair down without worrying about me. I've definitely changed in the last eight months, I'm a bit more reclusive and anxious, but I'll take that over being addicted and out of control, to be honest.

Next week we are due to go abroad to DPs sisters wedding, for a week. We are all staying in a villa together - around a dozen of us - which I didn't realise until last week. (I thought me, DP, DPSis and Groom were all staying as a four, not as a dozen, and DP apparently thought the same but has squirmed a bit and got defensive when questioned, so not sure if that's quite true or not.)

The wedding group are now all in a WhatsApp group together and it is FULL of booze chat. I'm worried i'm going to be in a week long party house (none of them have or are bringing children - my DC is staying with my Mum) in the middle of nowhere with complete strangers. DP doesn't seem to realise how difficult this is going to be for me, but I also don't want to poop all over sisters wedding.. Either I come out to a dozen strangers as an alcoholic and make them all feel awkward all week around me, or AIBU to consider not going? Or how would you cope/survive? It's literally in the middle of nowhere. I don't think DP would forgive me not going, and I feel silly for not clarifying earlier, but the closer it gets the more I'm dreading it to the point where I hardly slept last night and I'm fucking miserable at the thought of it.

Advice?

Your DP is minimising your concerns so he doesn't have to think about being ACTUALLY supportive.

He's being rather an arse I'm afraid!

I am an Alcoholic,been sober over 16years.Well done on your sober time.

You say you have relapsed a couple of times in the past eight months,so you are clearly fragile.

You have to put your sobriety first,so don’t go.I rarely mix with drinkers now,they bore and annoy me in equal measure,if I go to a party or wedding I always have an escape plan,I just leave when it gets to much.

Nobody would have wanted me in their villa when I was drinking,I was a complete nightmare.

Wishing you well.

I really don't think you can go. It's much too risky. The temptation will be out of control, you'll have people egging you to have a drink (if they don't know) and imagine the guilt and potential embarrassment of falling off the wagon with a dozen witnesses. It's making me feel anxious on your behalf! I wouldn't tell everyone either. They'd still drink and you'd still be tempted but they'd also gossip about it, knowing people. Make an excuse and don't go!

Agree that your husband is being awful - his reaction is pathetic and unsupportive. If he is going to drink then you just shouldn't go, for sure.

You really shouldn’t be forced to be put in this situation. You’re an adult so I don’t understand why not going isn’t an option. Can’t you feign a last minute flu or something? DP should be supporting you in this. I would book a hotel room nearby or be telling him to get lost. Another couples wedding is not worth jeopardising your freedom and happiness (and that of your kids!)

Put your health first. Don't stay with all those people drinking. Even if you tell them or use the old antibiotics excuse it will be hell. Just setting you up to fail. If you have counselling or support group please share your dilemma.
Not going is an option, maybe the best one. Your dh needs to wise up, has he an interest in you being sick? Good luck

I agree that the best option would be for you not to go.

I'm so stressed just thinking about it all. I can't not go, DP has made that quite clear. I'm looking at alternative accomodation but - this complicates it - I have been volunteered (been volunteered, not actually volunteered myself) to cook a meal for the whole villa for the Hen do (another reason I'm slightly miffed it's 12-14 people, not the four I thought!!!) - so I think I have to be at the villa. Any coping strategies for the week welcome please as I think not going is not an option at this stage. I am going to take my AA books with me to read, by the pool if need be!! Fuck, what a nonsense mess. I wish I had thought about this sooner. Maybe I can just hide in the kitchen and tell them to keep their booze out of there. Or just bring my laptop, earplugs and a pile of work and hide away. What a mess. I do feel thoroughly miserable just thinking about it.

(My mum and DC aren't going to the wedding, they don't know the bride and groom and haven't been invited. It's my DPs sister and we aren't one of those close blended up families.)

I know I sound like a total wet blanket - I'm not generally - this situation has been kind of sprung on me, both the size of the meal and the party atmosphere of the villa. And it feels too late to say anything, now, without causing drama. I'm not a dramatic person, quite quiet and generally chum along with everyone, but this is awkward and it's stressing me out, especially as DP doesn't seem to see it from my POV.

I don't think you should be going op and don't shift that decision to your DP. Its your decision and you can choose not to go.

I don't know much about alcoholism but I think you shouldn't miss out on the party. soft drinks should be provided

I've known three or four alcoholics personally. In the early stages of recovery none of them at all could have coped with the situation OP is expected to put herself in. One has been in recovery for 50 years and can manage it now, but all others have been very tentative in the early stages of recovery. At least one has never made it beyond a couple of months sobriety. So I have to say that the above is not good advice. A newly recovering alcoholic when surrounded by others who are drinking would find it virtually impossible to go for the soft drinks, in my experience.

OP, if you can't stay in separate accommodation from the main party then you would not be unreasonable to withdraw from the trip. I hope your DP and his family would be understanding of that.

Oh, and like fuck should you be cooking the meal for the hen party. Stuff that.

I'm afraid I would definitely bow out of going, andsod what anyone else thinks.

Speak to the bride, wish her well and explain why you can't go. Yes to going to aa, there will be a meeting today and over weekend near you. You are going to deal with this a lot so dh may as well get used to it

Your DP doesn't sound particularly supportive. How exactly does he propose to "look after you"? Especially if he's already had a drink? Your sobriety & welfare are clearly not his priority here.

Not read the whole thread

If you tell them it will makw it weird
If you don't tell them they will ply you with booze constantly

Illness or similar. Don't go.

I'm not impressed with your DP behaviour in this.

OP are you prepared to have a relapse rather than piss off your DP ?
Because that's what you're risking.

On this thread all of the alcoholics and partners of alcoholics have said not to go. I wouldn't go and I'm 2 years sober.

Your DP isn't responsible for your sobriety-only you are. But they really don't sound very supportive now, before you go and I can't imagine that things will be any better when you are there.

Please put yourself and your sobriety first --don't be a martyr. This could kill you.

The problem here, as much as anything else, is that your DP is not taking your concerns seriously. Saying he'll 'look after you', bollocks to that! You can get out of going OP, but you'll have to invent an excuse, something that people can't question (i.e. something related to either your DC or your parents). Only your DP needs to know the truth, everyone else can be fed the line. And no, you don't have to go just to cook a meal for 14 people. Please OP, PUT YOUR RECOVERY FIRST. As you say, you don't know these people from Adam and you OWE THEM NOTHING!

God Damn It, shemust, you do not 'have' to do anything that will interfere with your sobriety!!! (I am shaking my finger at you, yes)

No one, but NO ONE, has the right to ask you to do that. I don't care WHO it is. Fuck your partner, fuck the hen guests, fuck everyone but YOU!!!!!

You CAN not go. You CAN 'unvolunteer' yourself. YOU CAN!

If your partner (who doesn't sound very 'dear' to me) cannot put you first in this, you need to be rethinking the relationship. You are facing a struggle that will be there at varying degrees for the rest of your life. If your 'd'P cannot support you wholeheartedly in the first hard, VERY hard, days (and 8 months is still in the hard days) then he does not deserve to be part of your life. You need people around you who support and encourage you. Who have your back and stand with you when you make choices that are right for you.

Please, if you have a sponsor, speak to them. I'm sure they will echo our words. If you don't have a sponsor, get one. I'd also suggest that you and 'd'P see a counselor so they can express on HIM the importance of supporting you in your journey.

I'm mentally standing right next to you with my hand grasping your shoulder in encouragement. It's as close to an unmumsnetty hug as I can get without losing my MN Viper card.

I can't not go, DP has made that quite clear. - no no no, you have a choice you absolutely can chose not to go as you can prioritise your hard win sobriety.
The bill will be horrendous for you, it will be pure temptation all the time. People won’t lock their booze away from you and you will be severely tested. I think it’s really shit of your DP to not address this properly with you.

Bill = villa

Pull out of the meal for the hen night, tell your DP to cook for 14 people instead. Talk to your future sister in law and tell her you will be there for her wedding but you cannot do the hen night.

Find another place to stay for the week but attend the wedding. Write an email to your DP spelling it all out and say that he needs to read this and let it sink in because you cannot attend on the basis that is currently proposed and you would really prefer that he actually supported you in a way that you need rather than in way that makes it easy for him. Say that it is not up for negotiation. Pay for the accommodation out of the money that your DP would otherwise have spent on alcohol.

From your update, OP, it sounds like you don’t feel “no going” is an option.

I’m wondering about this - if you don’t want the label “alcoholic”, then tell the WhatsApp group you are doing a sober 365 challenge and that you’re on day “whatever” so you’re not about to ruin it. You’re just telling everyone because you know they’ll want to support.

What you’re also going to do is start something like the couch to 5k, or if you run already, whatever running challenge is appropriate.

Day times are ok, you think. You do your runtraining early eve, which will leave you feeling really strong and full of endorphins. Then stay up for a bit drinking water/herbal tea/whatever then just go to bed with a book/tv.

Next morning enjoy the smugs of no hangover!! If it’s villa with a pool then ensure you have a big swim every day also.

That’s how I would manage it.

You're to cook for 14 people?

What the fuck is this?

impress on him, not express.

Please don’t go .
Cancelling is an option - don’t let your DP pressure or guilt you into thinking otherwise.

TBH I’m not impressed at the level of support you are getting from your DP if your point of view is not being made paramount here .

This is one of the toughest battles of your life and needs to be treated as such.
Don’t compromise on this for any reason - this is one social event for that group party, we are talking about the rest of your life and your health and well-being.

You’re DP needs to get on board with the challenges and changes that are required for you to succeed.
This is one event / what about the next social “must attend “ event that comes along ?
You need to start right now by only does by what is right for you and your recovery .
No exceptions - ever .

It’s utter madness for anyone to think that you can attend a week long drinking party event in your position.

I wish you the very best of luck and congratulations on your abstinence so far .