AIBU - ex alcoholic not wanting to go on boozy holiday with strangers

[shemustbetiredofsomething]

I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for eight months now, save a couple of slips that I have absolutely eaten myself alive with guilt for when they have happened. I keep a dry home - no alcohol allowed in - and when friends come for lunch or dinner they can bring what they want to drink on the proviso they don't get too plastered and they take it away with them afterwards. It's the only way I've managed to stay sober because if it's in the house, I'll drink it. I used to have an active social life around pubs and clubs with work, and I just don't go in them any more, apart from the odd family meal with DP and DC, but very rarely and it always makes me quite edgy. I leave social events before they get to the witching hour, which DP is fine with, as that means they can have a drink and let their hair down without worrying about me. I've definitely changed in the last eight months, I'm a bit more reclusive and anxious, but I'll take that over being addicted and out of control, to be honest.

Next week we are due to go abroad to DPs sisters wedding, for a week. We are all staying in a villa together - around a dozen of us - which I didn't realise until last week. (I thought me, DP, DPSis and Groom were all staying as a four, not as a dozen, and DP apparently thought the same but has squirmed a bit and got defensive when questioned, so not sure if that's quite true or not.)

The wedding group are now all in a WhatsApp group together and it is FULL of booze chat. I'm worried i'm going to be in a week long party house (none of them have or are bringing children - my DC is staying with my Mum) in the middle of nowhere with complete strangers. DP doesn't seem to realise how difficult this is going to be for me, but I also don't want to poop all over sisters wedding.. Either I come out to a dozen strangers as an alcoholic and make them all feel awkward all week around me, or AIBU to consider not going? Or how would you cope/survive? It's literally in the middle of nowhere. I don't think DP would forgive me not going, and I feel silly for not clarifying earlier, but the closer it gets the more I'm dreading it to the point where I hardly slept last night and I'm fucking miserable at the thought of it.

Advice?

I think you have to put yourself first and choose not to go. Your partner isn't going to be alone, he has a full villa of people there and I'm guessing his family too if it is his sister getting married. They are all growns up they can cook themselves a meal, why can't your partner do this anyway? Not going is an option and it is one you should seriously consider. If you go it is probably better to be up front with everyone from the day and hour you arrive otherwise you will lapse, it is that simple, there isn't anyone in this situation so early in recovery that won't. And if totally honest I think your partner is being a selfish and inconsiderate arse for putting you in this position. He should have nipped it in the bud the second the accommodation options were being discussed.

My friends brother was an alcoholic and drunk himself to death at an early age. I have written this to warn others that the implications of alcoholism are very serious. Please do what is best for you and not what is best for others. Follow your sober instincts. Good luck to you and well done on your sobriety.

OP, going is not an option for you. It just isn't. There is no way anyone with an issue with drinking could manage in a villa like that - not just those in recovery, but by the sounds of it anyone who wasnt up for a binge drinking/all day drinking week would struggle. The implied peer pressure/social pressure in those situations is full on.

In addition to that, the stress this is already causing you isn't going to help your ongoing recovery. You need a solution to this rather than have it hanging over you.

Could you talk to some of the people who do know about your recovery (not in the group) and ask them to help you engineer an excuse? I know in an ideal world honesty is best, but as PPs have said, your private business is just that. At this early stage you need to do whatever protects your sobriety. A passport problem/a family member who needs you/hospital appointments/care responsibilities, whatever it needs to be work out a plan with a good friend and stick to it.

I suspect your husband is a bit in denial about your alcoholism - to be fair to him, most people hide it well and so it does take nearest and dearest more time to get used to the idea and the severity. Being clear about your limits might in the long run actually help him realise the extent of the situation.

An alternative is to go on the condition that your partner stays completely sober with you. If he is in it with you and you have his support all the time then as torturous as it will be you will have some hope of getting through it but is he is down up the pool getting pissed it will be a disaster.

I am 5 years sober and in my experience, this kind of situation is exactly what alcoholism is all about. It is just not about the drink. It is about navigating the world in a healthy way. Your posts scream spiritual hollowness. You have been "volunteered" to cook for 10-12 people. You keep referring to this "mess". Why do you think wanting to put your sobriety first makes you a "wet blanket"? What do you care what other people think when you are doing the right thing? You are losing sleep over this situation. You are putting your sobriety at risk to please people you do not even know. You have a physical and mental disease that requires avoiding certain situations for now. You say you are in AA. Do you have actually have a sponsor guiding you through the steps?

I'd personally caution against telling strangers about your alcoholism at such an early stage in your sobriety. Not because you should feel ashamed but you're going through such a lot at the moment you need to concentrate on yourself and get things sorted in your head without having to take into consideration other people's opinions or explain or justify or feel judged. Be easy on yourself.

That's reminded me

You've got a child haven't you

Agree don't tell anyone who isn't super close you

An alternative is to go on the condition that your partner stays completely sober with you

No! Do you know anything about alcoholism ? It doesn't work like that. It isn't about "going on this condition" or "for this amount of time" or just having soft drinks.

If only it were that bloody simple. It's being anywhere near where alcohol is available. It will be torture for the OP.

It truly is not worth it for a 'do'. Everyone will go home oblivious to that hardship. The OP could go home broken, if their resolve weakens (understandably). It would be like taking a thousand steps back emotionally and physically.

Keep your hair on it was just a suggestion and there is no need to be rude! Do you know anything about being civil!

Hi, I joined mumsnet to post this. I’m an alcoholic. If you go you are going to drink/end up in a mess and risk feeling that ashamed(yes you know). I’m not even going to get into why you can’t go but can you possibly ask your partner to take you out of the situation 60% of the time, I’m not ready to send a txt to tell people yet but I do know if I was faced with this situation, they will find out.. as you do to. So how much do u not want it, 8 months is amazing. Are they worth it xxxxx

I'm many years sober now and the number one thing that has kept me sober is that I am utterly, completely ruthless when it comes to my sobriety. Over the years I've also become loud and proud but you're in the early stages.

9 years before I got sober I was 3 weeks sober and I slipped up. It took me another 9 years to stop again. Don't go to this villa, if your DP pressures you over it break up with him. That's how grimly determined you have to be. It gets easy after a while.

Be strong, be single minded about this.

OP, you’ve lost perspective because your DP is minimising (I think he has lost perspective too).

Your sobriety is the most important precious thing your family has. Do not put it at risk out of politeness and not wanting to make a scene.

The only way to take of yourself is not to go, u know you will go and get hammered. Stay home stay safe, I can’t not go is just an unfortunate excuse you are not ready, if you can do this’ maybe next year, I understand everyone is different but to me that’s a week of blackouts hon, and everyone talking about your weaknesses and you have done so well. I see the excuses in your story, I wonder about your DP. Sounds like you know you need to save yourself here xxxx

I've just remembered that when I was about a year sober I had to go to a funeral (for a relative of a friend so not personallytraumatic). It was really very difficult with not much to eat, a lot of small talk with strangers and a very long day. I wouldn't have been able to do a wedding at all in those days.

Hi OP - how are you doing? Did you go in the end?

Whatever ended up happening and whatever the outcome, we support you and are here if you need/want to vent.

I had already assumed last week that OP relapsed prior to the wedding.

If so, that's OK, OP -- just get right back at it again.