AIBU - ex alcoholic not wanting to go on boozy holiday with strangers

[shemustbetiredofsomething]

I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for eight months now, save a couple of slips that I have absolutely eaten myself alive with guilt for when they have happened. I keep a dry home - no alcohol allowed in - and when friends come for lunch or dinner they can bring what they want to drink on the proviso they don't get too plastered and they take it away with them afterwards. It's the only way I've managed to stay sober because if it's in the house, I'll drink it. I used to have an active social life around pubs and clubs with work, and I just don't go in them any more, apart from the odd family meal with DP and DC, but very rarely and it always makes me quite edgy. I leave social events before they get to the witching hour, which DP is fine with, as that means they can have a drink and let their hair down without worrying about me. I've definitely changed in the last eight months, I'm a bit more reclusive and anxious, but I'll take that over being addicted and out of control, to be honest.

Next week we are due to go abroad to DPs sisters wedding, for a week. We are all staying in a villa together - around a dozen of us - which I didn't realise until last week. (I thought me, DP, DPSis and Groom were all staying as a four, not as a dozen, and DP apparently thought the same but has squirmed a bit and got defensive when questioned, so not sure if that's quite true or not.)

The wedding group are now all in a WhatsApp group together and it is FULL of booze chat. I'm worried i'm going to be in a week long party house (none of them have or are bringing children - my DC is staying with my Mum) in the middle of nowhere with complete strangers. DP doesn't seem to realise how difficult this is going to be for me, but I also don't want to poop all over sisters wedding.. Either I come out to a dozen strangers as an alcoholic and make them all feel awkward all week around me, or AIBU to consider not going? Or how would you cope/survive? It's literally in the middle of nowhere. I don't think DP would forgive me not going, and I feel silly for not clarifying earlier, but the closer it gets the more I'm dreading it to the point where I hardly slept last night and I'm fucking miserable at the thought of it.

Advice?

Don't go. Please don't go. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't mind an odd drink, but the idea of a week with a dozen stranger in a villa has me breaking out in cold sweats. I'd be dreading it, simply because I know that spending huge amounts of time with people I can't get away from is my idea of hell.

My DSis is a recovering alcoholic. This weekend our DM has a significant birthday and is celebrating with a party with huge amounts of friends and family coming. They will be drinking. DSis is not coming, with DMs full support, because she will find it almost impossible to cope with having people offering her drinks and telling her, 'come on - you're not driving! Enjoy yourself!'..

Please don't go. Tell DP if they genuinely have your best interests at heart they will be utterly supportive of the fact that you are staying at home and they can go on their own to their sister's wedding.

Just want to back up @dodgeballchamp's post - we don't know whether the OP's partner is male or female, as it hasn't been said.

I don't know how well DP has OP's best interests at heart - DP isn't coming well out of this, and it seems to like that OP leaves things early, so they can 'let their hair down' and not have to worry about OP.

That doesn't sound very conducive to being supportive in this context.

I wouldn't go unless you can stay at an apartment separately with DP.
Congratulations on your 8 months it is a battle every day.
I an sure they'd understand if you didn't go. Good luck

Oh this is awful behaviour on the part of your DP. Do you think he is embarrassed by your alcoholism? Was he an enabler when you were drinking? What has his response been to toot sobriety? Well done by the way.

It sounds like the problem is going to be everybody popping off to bed pissed as a fart and you knowing there is drink lying around. Would your DP not consider staying somewhere just the two of you or is he too keen to get involved in the boozing?

To be honest, unless it was a situation where you felt you could 'own it' - ie be fine talking about it and not caring what folk thought - then I would say don't go. If your DP isn't supportive of this then you need to try and be strong and make your voice heard.

*I can't not go, DP has made that quite clear.
*
Sorry just seen this. What a knob! I would tell him to fuck off quite frankly!

Don't go.This is too important and you are doing so well.
If DP can't support you in that,well that's a very poor reflection on them,but it doesn't change the fact that you must do what's right for you ( and your children).Of course you can say no to attending,that's not your DPs call.
Tell DP and DP sis that you didn't realise ( because you weren't told...) what the situation would be,and that now you have found out about the set up you are sorry but you can't go - but of course you will be at the wedding.

Well done on how far you've come. It's a huge achievement. As you've said you used to go to pubs etc and now that's not your life. It's completely reasonable to expect that you're not going to be comfortable around people getting drunk. Why on earth would you??

I assume you made the choice to go sober because you had to? It was affecting your family - your kids?

If so - does he not remember that??

If he can't understand how hard it will be for you ask him to support you and for him not to drink for the whole week.

I bet he'll baulk at that idea - no way could he go to a boozy wedding and not drink and I assume he's not even an alcoholic. So how does he think you feel?!

Option 1. Don't go protect yourself
Option 2. Inform everyone that you're sober - you'll get knobs talking to you about it who have no business doing so and make others who know they're drinking too much feel uncomfortable
Option 3. Go and drink and potentially get so drunk you ruin the whole wedding and more importantly your sobriety (obviously not a real option)

You really can't not go to your sister in law's wedding. It's not some distant cousin, it's your DPs sister. Rifts like that rarely heal. So put not going totally out if your mind - it isn't an option.

Just be honest with people and say you're not drinking. Take distractions and go to bed early. It will be over before you know it. Well done on your sobriety so far. There will always be events in life that challenge it. You can do this.

I am 8 months in same as you and there is absolutely no way I would go. A huge part of my sobriety is looking after myself and NOT putting myself in stressful and emotionally draining situations. You need to do whatever it takes to keep sober why should you feel that you have to tell a group of people you don't know about your not drinking that is not acceptable to be honest. I think you are just trying to please everyone but not yourself. Don't go unless you have alternative accommodation you have come so far it's just not worth putting yourself through it

Also - life is too short to be miserable and you will have a miserable and anxiety ridden week if you go. I bet the bride, if she is decent, completely understands and in way probably doesn't want you to go (in the nicest possible way).

This is your life. Don't ruin it being polite or scared of offending people who really don't give a s**t about you. - cos they don't. Be selfish for you and your kids. You matter. Forget what anyone else thinks.

Absolutely don't go. Prioritise your health. Imagine if you relapsed. Lots of people die from complications of alcoholism. It just isn't worth it.

This is your life. Don't ruin it being polite or scared of offending people who really don't give a st about you. - cos they don't. Be selfish for you and your kids. You matter. Forget what anyone else thinks.

This

Of course OP can 'not go'. she has, unfortunately, a potentially fatal illness and he is telling her she "must" put herself in danger of a relapse. I don't think so!

Clearly he can't possibly understand how dangerous alcoholism is. He needs to wake up.

Under these circumstances I would be tempted to talk direct to the SiL and be completley honest. I would hate for anyone to endanger their life just to attend my wedding, it's ridicullous! ( but obviously I don't know if that would work, but if one of my close relatives had said that about my wedding I would say of course don't come - or even made it dry.

I lost a very very dear relative to alcoholism. I could really give this DP a shake.

Ok - this is actually really quite simple. I'm 13 years sober so know exactly what this situation can be like. You can't go. You just can't. The most important thing in your life has to be your sobriety. If you don't have that you don't have anything.
I wouldn't go on a trip like that - not because I'd be worried about drinking but because it would be bloody boring. Pissed people are very annoying and very boring.
Please do yourself a favour and don't do it.
You've done 8 months and that's so brilliant- but you must put your sobriety first . Lots of love xxx

Sorry, she or he.

I'm sorry OP, this sounds awful.

If you do go (and I get the feeling you don't feel you can really back out), you need to tell everyone you're a recovering alcoholic. I suspect that if you tell your DP you're going to do this he will get angry, so don't tell him - just send the message and brace yourself. In my opinion he is being immature about your status and will be embarrassed to have it out in the open. That's a whole other thread, unfortunately.

Another thought OP - the bride knows about your alcoholism. She would come across as a terrible person if she spoke to you and said 'by the way lots of booze at the wedding you don't have to go' or 'I don't want you go' cos people just don't un-invite people to their wedding for being an alcoholic do they?

However if you spoke to her and explained I'm sure she'd understand. As long as you still give a decent wedding present - they don't even have to pay for your meal at the reception - and your husband I assume by still attending is paying for the room in the villa so no one loses out. That's always one of the main grumbles with weddings.

Is it that your DP is just embarrassed to go to a wedding alone or what people will think? God forbid a grown man going to a wedding alone.

If he loves you he won't give a s""t about what anyone thinks or questions about you not being there. He'll support you 100% end of.

One week after the wedding it'll be a distant memory but if you relapse by going you'll be living a nightmare day on day.

I just wanted to say a huge congratulations to you for your 8m sober. That’s a huge achievement.

You can’t go. You’re health and sobriety takes priority.

Dh could go on his own, guilt free! But you, you stay at home and keep busy. Go to some meetings, keep your resolve.

Lose the passport

I think you need to be very courageous and stand your ground

Sleep on it and write it down first

The fact he is saying NO doesn’t means it’s NO
It just means he is stronger than you and is used to getting his own way (as
Men so often are )

It upsets me that every time you broach such an important issue he makes
It clear you don’t have a voice

@tigerseye10 of course she doesn't have to go! FFS!!

Could you go just for the wedding days? So maybe 2 nights rather than a whole week? That could be a good compromise?

Oh, damn - what a position for you to be put in.
Congratulations on stopping drinking. Don't beat yourself up over slips, they will happen, but you are absolutely correct in not wanting to put yourself in the situation described. Your "I'm going to fuck up" radar is working. Go with it.

I'm an addict and I'm over 20 years sober , and I would find that scenario challenging if you changed alcohol to drugs. It'd be even harder for someone only 8 months into their recovery. Kudo's to you for realising this.

I wouldn't go.
Your sobriety is your responsibility and very new - you are clearly uncomfortable with how you KNOW you'll react , your DP clearly doesn't "get it" and him "helping you" is bollocks.
Is he intending to remain sober the whole time too? I doubt that. It's going to be a messy piss-up. If your DP truly understood, he wouldn't expect you to try to struggle through that situation AT ALL.

You can be open to these people, and say "Look, I'm an alcoholic whose sobriety is very fragile and new - and I just can't come/stay in this situation" - but that disclosure depends on if you are comfortable with sharing that information just yet with strangers. And that is your choice.

You don't know these people well, so why risk your sobriety? That is far more important that X/Y's wedding. Your DP is a big boy, he can go on his own. And boot him to some Al-Anon meetings to learn how to properly support a recovering alcoholic.

It's a huge "hell no" from me.

PS - sleeping pills are not your friends. Nor are any medications other than ones a doctor prescribes, and to be honest - if a doctor has prescribed sleeping pills to a recovering alcoholic they need their head read.

And by "these people" I mean the people at the cottage.
You can , not go. Write your SIL a note explaining why, or meet up with her separately and explain your concerns. Remind her of how you used to be.
If she is any kind of decent human, she will understand. Ditto , your DP.

I don’t drink. Just because I don’t like it. We are going away next week for a holiday with extended family and friends. All staying in one house. The WhatsApp group is just full of people going on about how much they will be drinking all the time and I am dreading it. They all go on about me having one drink and they just won’t let up. I can only imagine it would be the same for you and would be awful. Even at work people go on and on about drinking and I am not invited to quite a lot of things as they know I don’t drink and don’t invite me to the pubs. I would go to the wedding and then go home. If I went at all. Seems odd if you have only met them twice!