AIBU - ex alcoholic not wanting to go on boozy holiday with strangers

[shemustbetiredofsomething]

I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for eight months now, save a couple of slips that I have absolutely eaten myself alive with guilt for when they have happened. I keep a dry home - no alcohol allowed in - and when friends come for lunch or dinner they can bring what they want to drink on the proviso they don't get too plastered and they take it away with them afterwards. It's the only way I've managed to stay sober because if it's in the house, I'll drink it. I used to have an active social life around pubs and clubs with work, and I just don't go in them any more, apart from the odd family meal with DP and DC, but very rarely and it always makes me quite edgy. I leave social events before they get to the witching hour, which DP is fine with, as that means they can have a drink and let their hair down without worrying about me. I've definitely changed in the last eight months, I'm a bit more reclusive and anxious, but I'll take that over being addicted and out of control, to be honest.

Next week we are due to go abroad to DPs sisters wedding, for a week. We are all staying in a villa together - around a dozen of us - which I didn't realise until last week. (I thought me, DP, DPSis and Groom were all staying as a four, not as a dozen, and DP apparently thought the same but has squirmed a bit and got defensive when questioned, so not sure if that's quite true or not.)

The wedding group are now all in a WhatsApp group together and it is FULL of booze chat. I'm worried i'm going to be in a week long party house (none of them have or are bringing children - my DC is staying with my Mum) in the middle of nowhere with complete strangers. DP doesn't seem to realise how difficult this is going to be for me, but I also don't want to poop all over sisters wedding.. Either I come out to a dozen strangers as an alcoholic and make them all feel awkward all week around me, or AIBU to consider not going? Or how would you cope/survive? It's literally in the middle of nowhere. I don't think DP would forgive me not going, and I feel silly for not clarifying earlier, but the closer it gets the more I'm dreading it to the point where I hardly slept last night and I'm fucking miserable at the thought of it.

Advice?

No need to out out yourself.

How’s about, no thanks I’ve stopped drinking.

Why? Because I’ve had enough.

Congratulations on your sobriety. You are incredibly kind to not want to make SILs wedding "about you" as it were, but actually I think your ongoing sobriety should absolutely be your priority. I agree with the poster who said to tell your husband that you'll go if you two can stay elsewhere; otherwise you'll have to decline. Your health is far too important to be compromised for someone else's feelings.

As an aside - are you the kind of person who tends to put yourself last? I ask because I'm surprised that you're ok with people bringing booze into your house to drink (even if they take it home with them). I have an alcoholic friend and wouldn't dream of taking wine to her home and drinking it in front of her. Wouldn't dream of it! Put yourself first, you and your recovery are worth it.

All the best to you.

I don't think it will be possible for you to stay sober under those circumstances - well it wouldn't for me.
Are you willing to risk your sobriety for these people, who you've just said don't particularly care about your well-being? You seem to care more about their opinion of you, than they care about your health. I think you've been set up to fail here. I would consider looking for alternative accommodation and don't worry about a meal somebody else has said you'll cook. If anyone asks, just shrug and change the subject. Stop caring about other people so much, look after yourself.

OP, you absolutely do have a choice about whether to go. I think you should not go. Why go somewhere when temptation will be all around you? You may be stressed among people you don't know, people who won't have your best interests at heart.

If your DP won't accept that it would be better if you didn't go then he's an idiot.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with your partner and say how hard you will find this.
Even without struggling with the temptation of alcohol, it's going to be pretty boring for you as the rest of the party get drunker and drunker through the night and you're the only sober one.

You need support from your oh and if that means accepting you are not up to this at the moment, then so be it. Your health is important, your not saying your partner can't go, just that they could go without you.

You’ve had an awful lot of stuff sprung on you OP. All these people and now the meal (are you a chef? How come you have to cook for everyone?!)

I don’t want you to answer this here but how were things when you were rock bottom as an alcoholic? How was your home life? How did you treat your DP? Has he forgotten the impact of your drinking on you, your health, your household, your dc? Does he understand that he is asking you to risk a fall back to how things were? Has he thought what will happen if you relapse in this villa with all these people having their jolly boozy time? Is he planning to get shit faced with them all or not drink with you? Would he be prepared to drink no alcohol himself?

Years ago I went on a villa holiday with friends, someone brought their gf who was very quiet. We were all extroverts to one degree or another and couldn’t understand her early nights and muttered chats with her bf in their room every evening. I don’t think she was an alcoholic, just out of her depth, but we all found her hard to connect with and I don’t think she had a nice holiday. At best that would be your week’s experience. At worst ....

I have no experience of alcoholism so defer to more experienced posters. However, I think once you are in the villa there will be a lot of social pressure to be present that will be difficult to avoid. By present I mean be there in the evenings, it will be hard to disappear and hide away from it. It seems as though your DP knew about the set up and hid it from you - he has no idea how difficult this will be for you so has no say in how you decide to deal with it.

As for the hen night - fuck that- they don’t know you so just see you as someone to cater for them, cook the meal, tidy up and wash up. Who volunteered you? Your DP should be able to handle it as he seems to be so blasé about it.

Think of yourself and don’t go. (It sounds like hell and the only way I could get through it would be to absent myself as much as possible and then drink to numb the boredom which is not an option for you).

Another recovering alcoholic here.

Just adding to the voices - you don't have to go. DP has no right to force you to do something you don't want to - let alone something that will risk your life. Because ultimately, if you start drinking again, it could very likely lead to death as this is a killer disease.

Say no.

Your sobriety comes first. The end. No buts no ifs no maybes.

Show DP this thread. Let them see that the alternative is by far the majority view and it is their stance which is off - not yours.

Of course you can not go! YOU are the only master of you!

Good luck, OP. You don't have to go. You won't be being terribly rude, you can explain to the bride and groom and they'll be fine about it. They would almost certainly prefer that than you go, get shitfaced and then spend the next few weeks/months/years drinking and feeling guilty about it.

You've done really well to get through the last 8 months. But anyone, alcoholic or not, would feel pressure to drink in the situation you describe. And if you stay sober by not having alcohol around you, this entire situation is setting you up to fail. It's not fair of your partner to ask you to do this and I'm amazed they don't see how unfair they're being. Or that the bride doesn't see and say something.

You're not making up that you're an alcoholic - don't let anyone persuade you you're not really an alcoholic and sure you'll be able to stop after a couple of drinks to be sociable, if you try hard enough (because I have a horrible suspicion this might be what your partner thinks). You won't. You know you won't. Even if you did, you wouldn't have fun, because being sober and stressed around a bunch of very drunk strangers isn't fun.

What would they do if you got appendicitis the day before you were due to fly? They need to do that now, just without the worry of you being in hospital. You're not being selfish, you're trying to make it not all about you - because it might be, if you get hammered. But even if you were getting selfish, it's absolutely ok to put yourself first sometimes, and this is one of those times.

I hope your partner realises what an arse they're being. I hope they're usually better than this, and this is just a momentary lapse, because they're really not coming across well at this point!

Talk to DP and bluntly say this will push you back into either drinking or a nervous wobble

What’s More Important to him? A party or your LT health ??

Then offer options

You stay home and he goes and has a great time
You stay there and get damaged
You stay elsewhere

And see what he Satan

Firstly congratulations on 8 months, it's amazing!

Secondly get coping strategies - you deserve to have fun too but without booze. I've found some situations are easier if I drink tonic water (nobody knows it's missing the vodka) other times I prefer herbal tea and I just tell people I'm not drinking (I'm not an alcoholic, far from it, but alcohol makes me feel really ill because I have severe acid reflux). Telling them might be awkward at first but you may find that allows others to be honest that they don't want to drink, or drink as much. You can still have a fun time without the booze, and you will have much better mornings than them!

The first 6 months o can understand it's easier to avoid but going forward learn to have alcohol free fun

Don’t go.

Sobriety is much, much more important than attending this event.

Your DP does NOT have your back.

you deserve to have fun too but without booze. I've found some situations are easier if I drink tonic water (nobody knows it's missing the vodka) other times I prefer herbal tea and I just tell people I'm not drinking (I'm not an alcoholic, far from it, but alcohol makes me feel really ill because I have severe acid reflux)

...I don't think you understand alcoholism.

OP you really really shouldn't go. Your sobriety is more important than this wedding, more important than whatever bullshit your DP has in their head about how you have to go. Not going is too an option. Your DP is really really letting you down here, and unfortunately I think you may need to rethink your relationship. How is it normally?

What’s More Important to him? A party or your LT health

Yep, this is the burning question.
Your sobriety is paramount, but it's YOUR sobriety and only you can protect it
Full of admiration for you. Keep going.

Coming back to this again ( and sincere apologies if I appear to be dismissive of some posters suggestions on here - it’s truly not something I would ever normally do - but this is just far too important)

Please OP ... do not go - it’s not worth the risk - please on this very serious matter only take the advice of posters who are either in recovery , or have first hand real experience of alcoholism-and who know only too well the reality of this illness.

Some people have an awareness of drink problems via general social chat or observations , knowledge etc and that’s ok - good for them they have not seen the devastation that this illness causes ...
Others including myself have witnessed lives falling into absolutely heartbreaking carnage despite real efforts to get clean .. and in the case of my very best friend - her alcoholism led her to lose her life at 40 ...

Please take care of yourself- you must put yourself first here ...

Secondly get coping strategies - you deserve to have fun too but without booze. I've found some situations are easier if I drink tonic water (nobody knows it's missing the vodka) other times I prefer herbal tea and I just tell people I'm not drinking (I'm not an alcoholic, far from it, but alcohol makes me feel really ill because I have severe acid reflux). Telling them might be awkward at first but you may find that allows others to be honest that they don't want to drink, or drink as much. You can still have a fun time without the booze, and you will have much better mornings than them!

'Coping' strategies for an alcoholic donor involve using a fake drink to fool people.

Coping strategies involve avoiding alcohol and situations where you will be tempted.

And as for 'you can still have a fun time without the booze'... oh right.

There you go OP - just don't drink. Problem so easily solved. I wonder why no-one's thought of that obvious solution so far.

And where do you (as a non-drinker, therefore I'm assuming complete non-expert in the area) get your 6-month benchmark from?

• don't involve using a fake drink to fool people.

For those who don't understand alcohol addiction...please stop with the 'oh, why don't you just have a soft drink?" Andcother such comments.

If it were that easy, alcohol addiction would not exist.

Alcohol affects the brains neurotransmitters. They affect brain chemistry and create a physiological addiction cycle.

Addiction is hard to break. It's not just about willpower.

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't go.

Ideally your partner would be supportive and understand why you can't go. But ultimately you have to put your health first and only you can make the right choices to keep yourself safe.

Why is DP being so ‘you have to go’?

Is DP an enabler?

If you guys have kids, why on earth would he want to jeopardise something so important to their present and future happiness?

My DM was an alcoholic. Her 25 years of sobriety are an inspiration to me and something I love her for and am so proud of her for.

Interestingly she separated from my father the week before she went to her first aa meeting. It took me 20 years to realise he is a massive enabler.

Put yourself and your kids over some random wedding. If dp gives you shit over it, it’s more a sign you should split up with them rather than ‘oh they’re right I should really go’.

I’m in recovery. I wouldn’t go. Your sobriety has to come first. Also, you already mentioned a couple of relapses, so it hasn’t been a clear 8 months. (Not judging, been there!) I’ve been sober for three and a half years, go to meetings etc, and I wouldn’t be going either. It isn’t worth the risk as based on your words, and the lack of support offered by DH, your recovery is too fragile

^ ^

THIS

Op this has relapse written all over it and you know it. Don't go.

Why have you been 'volunteered' to cook dinner for everyone one night?

Why doesn't DP do it, given SIL is their sister?

I also don't understand how DP couldn't have known it wasn't just going to be the four of you at the villa. It's kind of not possible.

I also find the, 'we'll take ourselves out for walks during the day' beyond boggling. Yes, let's get ourselves away from the house when there won't be any temptation, and then come home and settle in, for when there will be.

I still find the cooking dinner thing incredible, and your DP isn't coming out of this in a good light.

OP you've had to find a phenomenal amount of strength to get through the last eight months. But if you're going to get through the next eight months and beyond you are going to need to dig in and find a bit more. Your dp is letting you down and you need to stand up to him. Your sobriety isn't just about you, it's about your whole family and their future too, as some children of alcoholics on this thread have very eloquently described.

You're making the decision every minute of every day that you are sober, to put your health and your family's future first. You should be able to expect your dp to do the same. If they cant do that then they are not the support you need in your life. A whole day at a wedding would be an extreme challenge for a recovering alcoholic, let alone the week you are describing. Your dp is asking too much of you to expect you to go through that.