AIBU - ex alcoholic not wanting to go on boozy holiday with strangers

[shemustbetiredofsomething]

I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for eight months now, save a couple of slips that I have absolutely eaten myself alive with guilt for when they have happened. I keep a dry home - no alcohol allowed in - and when friends come for lunch or dinner they can bring what they want to drink on the proviso they don't get too plastered and they take it away with them afterwards. It's the only way I've managed to stay sober because if it's in the house, I'll drink it. I used to have an active social life around pubs and clubs with work, and I just don't go in them any more, apart from the odd family meal with DP and DC, but very rarely and it always makes me quite edgy. I leave social events before they get to the witching hour, which DP is fine with, as that means they can have a drink and let their hair down without worrying about me. I've definitely changed in the last eight months, I'm a bit more reclusive and anxious, but I'll take that over being addicted and out of control, to be honest.

Next week we are due to go abroad to DPs sisters wedding, for a week. We are all staying in a villa together - around a dozen of us - which I didn't realise until last week. (I thought me, DP, DPSis and Groom were all staying as a four, not as a dozen, and DP apparently thought the same but has squirmed a bit and got defensive when questioned, so not sure if that's quite true or not.)

The wedding group are now all in a WhatsApp group together and it is FULL of booze chat. I'm worried i'm going to be in a week long party house (none of them have or are bringing children - my DC is staying with my Mum) in the middle of nowhere with complete strangers. DP doesn't seem to realise how difficult this is going to be for me, but I also don't want to poop all over sisters wedding.. Either I come out to a dozen strangers as an alcoholic and make them all feel awkward all week around me, or AIBU to consider not going? Or how would you cope/survive? It's literally in the middle of nowhere. I don't think DP would forgive me not going, and I feel silly for not clarifying earlier, but the closer it gets the more I'm dreading it to the point where I hardly slept last night and I'm fucking miserable at the thought of it.

Advice?

• only doing

Tell DP that understanding your preference for withdrawing from the trip will be the best form of supporting he could give you. Say that you have to do this because you are still very early on in the recovery, still very vulnerable and you are very scared about this.

Tell him that you want to succeed with your recovery, but by being railroaded into this situation you are being pushed to a point which sets you up to fail. Say that you are not prepared to go on that basis alone, and mean it. Ask for his support in telling everyone for you.

And fuck the hen do meal. That is a bloody cheek anyway.

DP has lead you up the garden path with the holiday arrangements and that is not on. With regards to the trip you don’t owe them anything.

I’m 12 months sober. It is so precious and needs to be looked after, my physical and mental health is more important than keeping other people happy.

A week with 12 other people sounds like Hell to me.

If I were you I’d lose my passport, the cost of replacing it (after the wedding!) will be nothing compared to protecting your sobriety.

Stay strong. Do what is right for YOU.

yes just message the bride. Fuck your DP they are being an utter bellend.

it's says everything as well that you were put forward to make a meal for all those people without your consent.

find your boundaries and Mark them. You do not need DP permission not to go!

Hello OP and very well done for taking your first steps in sobriety. It must be so hard so I really admire you.

I took a call from a close work colleague earlier and told her I'll be away next week and gave her a brief outline. She was horrified for me, but DP seems to think I'm being unreasonable to be concerned.
^^ I'm afraid this shows your DP in a poor light - does he not get that you are not must not drinking but that you cannot drink or be near it? I'm a very light drinker but still have to justify not having alcohol when I'm out - I can only guess how hard it must be for you without one of the people closest to you either not understanding or minimising what you are going through.

I can't not go, DP has made that quite clear.
Why does what he wants have priority over your needs and health - he is treating you like a subordinate. What, really, will he do if - quite rightly- you put yourself first in this scenario?

Also it's a cheek you being presented with a fair accompli - having to cook the meal for 12-14 people. Does your input count for nothing at all?

I'm sorry you have been put in this situation OP and hope you are able to reach a resolution. 🌹

Another one who wouldn't go. Your recovery is too important - and even if you manage to stay sober, it will be a most unenjoyable experience for you - why put yourself through this. The most I would compromise is going to the wedding and then coming home immediately.

I think you need to be "selfish". Your recovery is far more important than your partner's desire to have you with him or any meal for 14 random strangers. Prioritise yourself and your life. I don't think there is one person on this thread who thinks you should go.

They can cook their own dinner, or get a take away.

Perhaps find alternate accommodation for a few days over the wedding, and then go home?

The problem here is your partner. I'd either not go or book alternative accommodation. Is it the cost he is reluctant about?

Your sobriety and well being is a million times more important than your partner’s shitty demand that you go.
Be firm, tell the bride why, put your dp straight on a few things like you expect more support and let them all get pissed on their own whilst you stay safe at home away from temptation. Well done for the last 8 months.

Well done on your eight months of sobriety. It's not easy. You've done incredibly well to take it this far.
I'd go straight to your strongest support network - AA if you attend, and make sure you have a buddy/sponsor who can talk you through the whole scenario. It sounds like your partner is clueless as to how tough this will be.
In an ideal scenario, you'd manage on soft drinks. For the day, that is possible, but a whole week in an isolated villa with strangers? That's such a tough demand.
Could you book somewhere near by? Could you come into the villa to cook that bloody meal and use being chef as an excuse to stick to the kitchen and not join in the drinking? Like professional caterers do? That way you'd be making a (massive!) gesture of goodwill towards the hen. But that's only a suggestion. If you don't feel comfortable with it, don't do it.

If you do decide to go, then script your time in your head in advance. Make a decision and even practise saying out loud: I'll have a mineral water/ elderflower cordial etc.
Make sure there are loads of interesting soft drinks: tomato juice or V8 for Virgin Marys, rose and elderflower cordial, cloudy apple, mint and ginger beer with sparkling water for a cocktail.
You do need a proper chat with your partner about how hard this is and the difference between 'support' and 'look after'.
You sound very considerate of other people. Be that considerate of yourself too.

Dh doesn't get to make it clear that you have to go. You are your own person and he can't tell you what to do. Put your big girl pants on and give him an ultimatum; you stay somewhere other than the party house or you don't go. Put your recovery first above anything else.

OP:
Well done on 8 months sobriety 💐

Your continued sobriety is much more important than any wedding
Safest to stay home with the DC

You can apologise, but explain that you feel it too risky for you at this stage and send your love

Congratulations on your sobriety op. 8 months is great, but it’s such a short amount of time. I wouldn’t go tbh, you need to put your sobriety first, and so does your dp.

I fully understand why you don't want to go...It would put you in an intolerable, high risk situation.
You could always say taking are taking antibiotics, and therefore cannot drink alcohol?
Being around all those pissed people will not be easy.

" I can't not go, DP has made that quite clear."

Bollocks to that !

He is not the boss of you

You must stand up for your health and prioritise your sobriety, as he evidently thinks his sister's wedding more important

Be blunt with your husband and ask him if he wants your child to be raised by a drunk.
The stress he is putting you under before you even get there is breaking you. Let alone making you cook for a hen night of all things and share a villa with so many.

Stand up for yourself and make yourself heard.

And how is your partner going to " look after you" if he's full of drink?

Does he truly understand why you are now sober?

Is he finding it difficult that your joint social life has changed? I'm not making excuses, I'm just wondering why he would take such an unsupportive standpoint.

Can everyone stop assuming the DP is male? The OP hasn’t specified.

Anyway, they are being a really shitty partner by making you feel you don’t have the option not to go. If they care about you, your sobriety and recovery should come first. You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, and if your partner has your best interests at heart they’ll support you and won’t make you feel guilty if you don’t go. If they don’t do that, perhaps they’re not a great partner

Oh OP I have a lot of sympathy and agree with many other posters who say you cannot and should not risk your sobriety for this

Firstly it seems clear your DP doesn’t understand, isn’t trying to understand, what it is you are doing. About recognising your addiction, admitting to it, and making changes to avoid succumbing to it. Your DP really needs to get behind it and get their head around it. Have they read anything or discussed it with you in detail?

Your sobriety is worth so much. It’s your health, your wellbeing, your current and future job prospects, your finances, your child, your relationships with family and friends, your ability to live life and enjoy it. It is so incredibly valuable. And your DP (and to some extent, your SIL) should recognise that and understand your position.

You’re not asking them not to go, not to drink, not to do whatever they want to do. You’re saying that you can’t be in that environment without risking everything.

I don’t think you have to tell the WhatsApp group, that’s up to you. But I do agree telling your SIL and reiterating to your DP just how serious this is, means you can’t join a villa stay with lots of people or even do a big social dinner, where people likely want to drink, and that you hadn’t expected or known this would be the case otherwise you would have said something earlier.

I come from a family of alcoholics, and gave up alcohol over 10 years ago - I wasn’t addicted, but I felt like I was ‘pre-addiction’ (if that is such a thing), I saw unhealthy habits and associations that I knew could lead down a very bad road because of everything my relatives have been through. Things like drinking very strong drinks (despite friends being more wine people), having a high tolerance for alcohol and not seeming to be able to say ‘no’ once I got started, drinking regularly, wanting to drink alone, drinking often leading to tipsiness or drunkenness. I don’t enter bars or pubs to this day, it makes me incredibly comfortable, even the smell of them sends me running. I have loved ones who have been to rehab several times, who have been successfully sober but ‘just one glass of fizz’ at a wedding has sent them in a downwards spiral, leading to going through the whole process again and back to rehab it’s just not worth it.

Wishing you every strength

*bars and pubs make me incredibly uncomfortable, that should say.

Does your DP take your recovery seriously? What I mean is do they actually believe you when you say you are an alcoholic or are they humoring you in this?

No one can mind you in this situation, its up to you. At the same time though ask yourself why you're willing to jeopardise your recover rather than upset DP mildly.

(Btw who promised your services to cook for the hen party)

I'd be very wary about ''coming out'' as an alcoholic.
It is only your business, and people can be real dicks..it is as if they feel like they want to test you once they know.
Also, people can be extremely judgemental, especially as regards women {happens with addicts, too}
You do not have to justify yourself, and quite frankly, boozed up people are a real pain to be around when one doesn't drink.
As for the catering...that sounds mega stressful, too.
I'd cry off, and not go. Sounds hellish, to be honest, no children, just a load of adults and copious booze, with you doing the catering?
..nope.

Please put yourself and your DC first in this scenario. Not your DP, his sister or their friends.

Narrow it down to you and your DC. Who is most important?
I wish you courage and strength to be 'selfish'.

Is your DP usually supportive of your recovery? He doesn't sound it from this situation. He cannot actually make you go. I think you need to be your own bestfriend here and make the choice that is right for you, as it sounds like your DH doesn't have your back in this.

@shemustbetiredofsomething How are you doing? I realize that we've all probably piled a lot of suggestions on you as well as criticism of your 'd'P and you may be feeling overloaded.

Take a breath and a moment and sit quietly. Or take a walk if you'd prefer. At any rate, do something for yourself. Then give things a good think through. You can get through this. I know you can.