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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - ex alcoholic not wanting to go on boozy holiday with strangers

191 replies

shemustbetiredofsomething · 05/07/2019 12:01

I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for eight months now, save a couple of slips that I have absolutely eaten myself alive with guilt for when they have happened. I keep a dry home - no alcohol allowed in - and when friends come for lunch or dinner they can bring what they want to drink on the proviso they don't get too plastered and they take it away with them afterwards. It's the only way I've managed to stay sober because if it's in the house, I'll drink it. I used to have an active social life around pubs and clubs with work, and I just don't go in them any more, apart from the odd family meal with DP and DC, but very rarely and it always makes me quite edgy. I leave social events before they get to the witching hour, which DP is fine with, as that means they can have a drink and let their hair down without worrying about me. I've definitely changed in the last eight months, I'm a bit more reclusive and anxious, but I'll take that over being addicted and out of control, to be honest.

Next week we are due to go abroad to DPs sisters wedding, for a week. We are all staying in a villa together - around a dozen of us - which I didn't realise until last week. (I thought me, DP, DPSis and Groom were all staying as a four, not as a dozen, and DP apparently thought the same but has squirmed a bit and got defensive when questioned, so not sure if that's quite true or not.)

The wedding group are now all in a WhatsApp group together and it is FULL of booze chat. I'm worried i'm going to be in a week long party house (none of them have or are bringing children - my DC is staying with my Mum) in the middle of nowhere with complete strangers. DP doesn't seem to realise how difficult this is going to be for me, but I also don't want to poop all over sisters wedding.. Either I come out to a dozen strangers as an alcoholic and make them all feel awkward all week around me, or AIBU to consider not going? Or how would you cope/survive? It's literally in the middle of nowhere. I don't think DP would forgive me not going, and I feel silly for not clarifying earlier, but the closer it gets the more I'm dreading it to the point where I hardly slept last night and I'm fucking miserable at the thought of it.

Advice?

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 05/07/2019 23:41

I wouldn’t go. I’d be worried all night that someone would accidentally or even deliberately hand me an alcoholic drink. There are some assholes that would think spiking someone’s drink to ‘loosen them up’ or for a ‘laugh’.

Smokesandeats · 05/07/2019 23:46

Your DP really hasn’t understood the position you are in and they are being very unsupportive towards you. Tell them that you are not going because it puts your recovery at serious risk. The holiday could lead to a relapse that could kill you. It’s like asking a recovering anorexic to spend a week at a slimming bootcamp.

Well done on staying sober x

Spermysextowel · 06/07/2019 00:16

Someone many pages ago suggested you should ask your Dp ‘do you want your dc to be brought up by an alcoholic?’ This is what you need to ask yourself when looking at your dp’s statement that not going is not an option.
I’d put money on it that if you go you will drink.
Alcoholism is so poisonous that partly your acceptance of your dp’s decision may be that in your subconscious you know what will happen but will put it down to circumstances beyond your control.
Just don’t go. If your dp has to lie that’s up to him.

WeLoveToBoogieOnASaturdayNight · 06/07/2019 00:34

Dear OP,
Not going certainly IS an option -
and it's pert near a dire necessity that you DO NOT GO.

How long have you been together with your DP?

Someone is being unreasonable, and it isn't you.

I wonder if DP is becoming "threatened" by your sobriety...

More Power to You, Girlfriend! 👊
。。。

Breakfastpancakes · 06/07/2019 02:02

With a couple of slips you don't have 8 months. If your last drink was say 3 weeks ago, then that's all the time you have.
As one of the AA sayings says... keep away from people, places and things
Please don't go, your sobriety is the most important thing

Caucho · 06/07/2019 02:14

Going against the grain I actually have some sympathy for the husband who is now being expected to completely adapt his lifestyle to the wife through no fault of their own.

At the same time it is early. I’d be slightly annoyed it was me having to sacrifice my entire lifestyle but he is being an absolute dick for insisting you go along when it would be better for everyone if he went alone and you didn’t.

I can see why he’s being criticised but at the same time I sympathise. Living with an alcoholic is a nightmare and no fun and suspect he is more of a victim than people realise. But that being said he should be grateful for the respite of your sobriety. Time to leave was before and he’s and idiot pushing you into that scenery.

You might end up splitting up as he may not to be able to adapt his lifestyle to your alcoholism and vice versa - he might not be a positive factor in you staying sober.

Caucho · 06/07/2019 02:22

I’m not just talking about this event either. The successfully sober alcoholics here have said they have to use all sorts of devices to keep clean like leaving early etc. Some have said they’ve almost had to ditch their friends. Maybe the partner isn’t willing to do it or will act resentfully. I’ve seen it load of times with ex addicts. They end up having to ditch everyone in order to start afresh

ilovesooty · 06/07/2019 02:53

Congratulations on your 8 months.

You are still early in your recovery and that must come first. Protect yourself - unless you can stay in alternative accommodation I'd say that going isn't an option. You don't have to justify that to anyone.

Beautiful3 · 06/07/2019 03:05

I personally don't think you should go. Let your partner go without you. You are doing so well, You're right to stay away from boozy situations. Look after yourself.

SushiForAmateurs · 06/07/2019 03:19

Living with an alcoholic is a nightmare and no fun

Living with a sober alcoholic would have to be the preference, and to be maintained at all costs, I'd've thought.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 06/07/2019 03:59

This sounds awful to me and I'm not an alcoholic or problem drinker (I'm in a different time zone now but I just don't like to drink a lot at once). Please don't go! It's not a 'suck it up situation'.

daisychain01 · 06/07/2019 04:34

Do I just drop it like a bomb in the WhatsApp group and say 'oh yeah hey guys, i'm an alcoholic in recovery, I don't want to poop on the party so I'll probably keep myself to myself a bit and have some early nights but I'll bring earplugs and sleeping pills! Sorry if that makes anyone feel awkward, thought it was easier to say now than when we're out there!'

Please don't say any of this. Definitely not on a family and friends group chat, it will create more traffic than the M25. You are autonomous, you do not have to explain yourself to anyone , least of all a bunch of strangers.

I'd say nothing and get a 'nasty bout of D&V' a few days before, and duck out.

At times like this you need to be focussed and a bit selfish, it's your health and sobriety at stake here, don't let anything derail that.

As for your DP wanting to "look after you" - I have no words.

Keep going, you're amazing!!

hazell42 · 06/07/2019 05:50

For gods sake dont go.
Your sil will get over it
As will your DP
And if they dont, at least you will still.have your sobriety. It's still early days and you need to take care of yourself

WeLoveToBoogieOnASaturdayNight · 06/07/2019 05:54

@Caucho
You might end up splitting up as he may not to be able to adapt his lifestyle to your alcoholism and vice versa - he might not be a positive factor in you staying sober.

I was going to say something along the same lines, but decided to hold off on that. I'd first like to know now long OP has been with this partner. Not having been upfront about the party-group villa arrangements, was very selfish - if not downright deceitful - of the partner.

MotherTime3 · 06/07/2019 06:32

You’ve made an amazing start op, well done. You’ve obviously thought a lot about your triggers, and what keeps you sober. This trip will not allow you to follow your rules. Plus the bubble of being away wit no responsibilities.
SIL may be peeved if you don’t go, but she would be raging if you were steaming drunk all week. The others will be able to stop and start, you won’t necessarily have that control.
I worked with people with addictions, and I would be spending a lot of time going though this, hoping they chose not to go.

ViolaTricolora · 06/07/2019 07:14

Would you go if you had broken your leg and needed a weelchair and the accomodation was not suitable for that?

It's not exactly the same of course. But you need (and deserve) suitable accomodations just as much.

TigerJoy · 06/07/2019 07:16

Don't say anything on the whatsapp - follow your instinct on this. They don't need to know. Explain to the bride: I think this is one of those cases where "if they mind, they don't matter; if they matter, they won't mind".

See if you can find alternative accommodation but under no circumstances stay at the villa. It will be too hard - you have done so well, and you know it's a bad idea. Be kind to yourself.

Your DP can cook the bloody meal!

Well done on staying sober. You know what you have to do to continue - do it. It's not impossible, there is a solution to every problem, so working on the assumption that you can't stay in the villa but will go to the wedding, list all the things that will need to be done / problems that might arise as a result and solve them one by one.

You can do this.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 06/07/2019 07:26

Would he ask you to go if you were a cancer patient receiving chemo and everyone there had open chicken pox sores? Because that's how ill and vulnerable you are at only 8 months sobriety. If he really doesn't understand and isn't getting this, I'd question the long term prospects for your relationship tbh. If he can't or won't do what is necessary to support you, then you're going to have to do it without him.

Fleetheart · 06/07/2019 07:34

Dear OP
I’m with the others- you CAN not go.
It is your sobriety; your life which is on the line. I say this as the ex of am alcoholic.

You can take responsibility and you need to.

Good luck, you can do it.

Beautiful3 · 06/07/2019 07:47

@Rainandclouds snap! I dont drink and whenever I go out, people are obsessed with getting me to drink too. So it wouldnt be a good idea for you OP to even consider going.

Frazzled2207 · 06/07/2019 07:53

Well done on your recovery so far.

Honestly, I don't think you can go. And I'm not sure why that is not an option.

Bignicetree · 06/07/2019 08:55

You don't ever need to tell anyone you are an alcoholic.

Lots of people choose not to drink. You are now one of them

northerngirl2012 · 06/07/2019 09:06

Another don’t go from me. Why put yourself in that situation? DP has to be made aware it’s not in your best interests and also it doesn’t affect his or her enjoyment of the time away.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 06/07/2019 09:40

Op, your DP sounds massively unsupportive - is she normally like this? Have you tried to explain how worried you are? What's she been like during the past 8 months?

I really feel for you and know it sounds difficult but you need to put your sobriety first and not go if that's what it takes. Speak to the bride and apologise and I'm sure she'll understand. Thanks for you and well done on getting this far!

qazxc · 06/07/2019 10:04

You have to be selfish right now. Your recovery has to come before everything else.
I would put it out there that you can either not go or villa needs to be dry. Let the group pick whatever option they prefer, no hard feelings.