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AIBU?

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Original poster

My adult DS is not talking to me

202 replies

GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 12:39

Hi, hope you can help me out with some advice. My DD and her 2 DCs are living with me for a while she’s gone back to uni to do masters degree. My DS has one child who we see regularly particularly as he loves to come and play with his cousins.

The problem has arisen because my DS thinks that whatever we do it must include his son also. Even when my DD is booking and paying for activities for her 2 DCs.

Generally this is the case but last weekend I was babysitting my DDs children as she and her partner had booked a trip away for her birthday and my partner had arranged an outing with his DD and DGC ( been arranged for months) with my DDs permission I took her 2 children along and this is where the problem is.

My DS found out ( although certainly not kept it secret) and has gone ballistic saying I should’ve taken my other Gc as well. It simply was not practical and the activity was unsuitable for a child of his age. ( he is younger than the other 2)I have explained this to DS but he’s having none of it and accusing me of leaving him out all the time which is simply not true!

My DD has booked a UK seaside trip with her DCs next month and asked for me to come along for company which my DS has now taken exception to saying we should take his DC too. It’s not my holiday and my DD doesn’t want to have to look after her nephew for a week on her only holiday with her children (she works full time and will barely see her DCs over the summer). She explained to her brother that she’d happily take little one another time but not for a full week. The expense and distance is too much, it’s 5 hours each way in the car.

For context DD and I help a lot with childcare and include my other GC in most excursions and see him several times a week. DS and his family have also recently come back from a 2 week abroad holiday so GC has had a nice family holiday, this UK trip is all my DD can afford and the truth is I think she’s asked me to come just for some adult company.

I have looked after DS’s DC on several occasions when DS and his wife have gone away for weekends away without GC and I see him regularly without my DD or her DCs there so I can have one on one time with him.

My MIL was not a very nice grandma to my children although she was to her others , my DS is now saying I’m like her and I’m absolutely devastated, I look after all members of my family and think I’m very fair, he has now said he is done with me and I am not being allowed to pick my GS up from nursery today as I would usually. Any advice welcome .

OP posts:
Pinkmalinky · 04/07/2019 12:43

Has your DS always been this spoilt and entitled? He sounds like an absolute brat.

MrsMump · 04/07/2019 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brefugee · 04/07/2019 12:47

Keep a log of everything you spend on his DS and the time you spend with him compared to your daughter's children.
what a brat

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/07/2019 12:49

Tell him you will happily go on holiday with him and Dgs same as you are with DD see what he says to that

Thehop · 04/07/2019 12:51

He’s being a twat. Call his bluff.

Yeahnahmum · 04/07/2019 12:52

Is your son 12?
Gosh what a manchild. Tell him to grow up and get on with his life.

HernameisGio · 04/07/2019 12:53

I think deep down nobody wants to see their parents favour their sibling. Even as an adult it can breed jealousy I think it is human nature and think that’s what is going on here. He is obviously upset about this and it must have been brewing for a while. YANBU however when he feels the way he does and then you go on holiday with them and take them out for nice days out with your partners GC as well then I can see that’s going to make things worse if he is already feeling sensitive about this. However, he is an adult and should behave as such and talk to you not just stop you from seeing your GC.

ICanWearMyBoobsUpOrDown · 04/07/2019 12:53

It's very difficult because they live with you, it is possible that, unknowingly, that things have shifted slightly and he can see it, whereas you can't because you're too close.

They live with you, you're holidaying with them, you're having trips out with them... I can see why he feels as though his child is a bit sidelined.

I don't think backing off is the right way to go about this, I would arrange a special day out just for him before this escalates into a massive feud where the children will be the ones losing out.

Original poster
GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 12:53

@Brefugee that’s a difficult one because my DD and other 2 GC live in the same house as me so I obviously see them more on a day to day basis, although it’s unusual for her to ask for childcare or for me to look after them without her being there.
But as for the spending money on the GC, I don’t even buy a pack of sweets unless buying for all 3 GC. I try to make it as fair as possible.
My DD for example bought some garden toys for her DCs so I bought another set for my DS’s DC so he could have the same when he visits.
I know my other GC live here but I bought my DS’s child a bed here and his own bedding so he’s always welcome and has his own things here too

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/07/2019 12:54

However I suspect that if your DIL was to write this post i.e MIl has taken away DN with her and going on holiday with her but not my DS then every ppster would be saying your DD is the golden child and telling your DIL that your DS needs to call you out on it.

Original poster
GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 12:55

@sweeneytoddsrazor we do this at least once a year. I have a holiday home abroad which I have on many occasions paid for DS, his wife and DC to come with me on their own. I have paid for their flights every time this happens.

OP posts:
MrsGaryLightbody · 04/07/2019 12:55

@GlamourNana
My heart aches for you.
You do everything you can and more as they grow and then they get a bee in their bonnet that breaks you!
As a thought could this be coming from his partner?
Personal experience Wink

jennymanara · 04/07/2019 12:55

I don't think anyone here can really help as we don't know these people and so don't know what is really happening.
However from what you say your DS is angry with you.

Sometimes in these cases the issue is not so much about what is happening now, but resentment from childhood. So if I was you I would question myself honestly as to whether you favoured your DD? I am suggesting this because I know sometimes if someone feels they have been ignored or treated less favourably than a sibling, they can be hyper sensitive to any sign that the GC are also being treated unfairly.

Whatever the cause I suspect it is far more complicated than you have just posted on here, whether you realise it or not.

SuperSaturdaySteve · 04/07/2019 13:01

The thing is, you are only seeing things from your point of view (obviously) - buying equal presents, etc - but your DS is seeing it from his own point of view, and it's that view which upsets him. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could have a coffee and talk calmly about what he wants, why it's not always practical for them to join in the other cousins activities, but what his DC needs from time with you? It does sound like, despite your best intentions, he feels he and his child are sidelined. (We may be adults but it's always hard to escape those childhood patterns of resentment, favouritism and jealousy.)

Good luck, OP Brew

WhyTho · 04/07/2019 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenBeee · 04/07/2019 13:02

Going on hols with DD for company? Doesn't she have a friend to take. As they are living with you I don't see how you can give the same time, effort and attention to his son.
It sounds like something carrying on from childhood and he feels the one always left out and fears the same for his DS. But is he right.
If the older two are at nursery/school why can't you devote more time to DGS?

Original poster
GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 13:02

@ICanWearMyBoobsUpOrDown thank you, that’s a good point. Maybe he does see it differently.

For a bit more context my DH died a few years ago and my DD is a single parent, although we both have partners neither of us live with them so we have often been company for each other.

My DD will often invite me on her days out with her DC because she likes the company. She’s explained to her brother that she’s invited me, not the other way around. She pays, drives etc and just asks if I’d come along which I’ll happily do because I’m on my own a lot.
She does include her nephew at times but not always because she feels like it’s ok to do things with her own children. Plus it’s expensive for her, she’s financially a lot worse off than my DS.

If DS invites me out with his family I always go but it’s rare for him to ask to be honest. I invite them over to my house a lot and collect GC from nursery once a week. We see him at least twice week too.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2019 13:04

I don't think backing off is the right way to go about this, I would arrange a special day out just for him before this escalates into a massive feud where the children will be the ones losing out.

He already is missing out because his dad is having a tantrum and now he isn’t seeing his grandma. That’s on him, not OP and you don’t pander to strops unless you want them to continue. DS could have invited his mum on holiday with them but didn’t. He could have invited his sister and her DC as well especially as he’s better off than her, but didn’t.

OP, he’s being a brat. That’s unfair on everyone but it’s not your fault at all. Good suggestion for a message upthread. But he owes you an apology for insulting you.

Fundays12 · 04/07/2019 13:05

Without meaning to be rude or assuming anything I think you need to stand back and have a long hard think if there is any truth in what he is saying. Obviously expecting your dd to take his ds on holiday is ridiculous but do you spend a lot more time or money on your dds kids? Work out how often you help with them all, do you take them days out and pay etc?

The reason I am saying this is my MIL does show favouritism to certain dds kids and it’s not nice at all and upsets my dh a lot. She will constantly have her daughters kids, take them away, drop them off here, there, pick them up from nursery etc and tells us how hard life is for them whilst watching us struggle, offer no support or acknowledgement that one of our kids has a lot of additional needs that mean we never get a break. She really doesn’t see how much she favours her dds kids and it’s hurtful towards my hubby though he doesn’t behave in that manner.

Fundays12 · 04/07/2019 13:09

Also I notice you later said your ds rarely invites you on trips etc. My dh stopped inviting his MIL after she declined him on countless occasions as she already had plans with one of his sisters or adult niece. He just felt his mother always prioritised them and there kids over him and his and to keep asking her to do things and getting rejected was painful so he stopped.

Original poster
GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 13:10

Thank you for the different points of view

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/07/2019 13:11

@fundays12 do you ask her though. This is a key thing for the OP as well. If she is goi g because she is being asked to and not organising it and paying for it then its a completely different kettle of fish. Especially if she is more than happy to do the same with DS if he asked.

QueenBeee · 04/07/2019 13:13

You have developed a very close relationship with DD, which suits you both, maybe DS is jealous. Having your DC live with you so you are there to help run the home etc is a great help which DS isn't getting but I don't know how you can fix it. Perhaps an honest discussion might help but if the set up isn't going to change the feelings probably won't either.

Original poster
GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 13:13

@Fundays12 I cannot think of a single occasion where I haven’t gone along with them when invited. But he has his wife and they like to spend time as a family on their own when they’re not working, which is lovely and absolutely their choice. My DD and I are often on our own so we spend time together, does that make sense?

A previous poster asked why my DD has asked me on holiday and not a friend? My DDs friends are all married and have their own families so will naturally being holidaying with them. We enjoy each other’s company so I don’t think it’s odd for her to have invited me

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/07/2019 13:14

But he doesn't include his nephews/nieces, does he? He doesn't include you, either. He goes on holiday whenever he wants with his family, but doesn't include anyone else, yet when you go on holiday, you have to include his family. That's not fair.

And why should your daughter take his son on holiday when he doesn't reciprocate?

I wouldn't worry about him not speaking to you - it sounds as though he needs your help too much to keep quiet for long.

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