My adult DS is not talking to me

[GlamourNana]

Hi, hope you can help me out with some advice. My DD and her 2 DCs are living with me for a while she’s gone back to uni to do masters degree. My DS has one child who we see regularly particularly as he loves to come and play with his cousins.

The problem has arisen because my DS thinks that whatever we do it must include his son also. Even when my DD is booking and paying for activities for her 2 DCs.

Generally this is the case but last weekend I was babysitting my DDs children as she and her partner had booked a trip away for her birthday and my partner had arranged an outing with his DD and DGC ( been arranged for months) with my DDs permission I took her 2 children along and this is where the problem is.

My DS found out ( although certainly not kept it secret) and has gone ballistic saying I should’ve taken my other Gc as well. It simply was not practical and the activity was unsuitable for a child of his age. ( he is younger than the other 2)I have explained this to DS but he’s having none of it and accusing me of leaving him out all the time which is simply not true!

My DD has booked a UK seaside trip with her DCs next month and asked for me to come along for company which my DS has now taken exception to saying we should take his DC too. It’s not my holiday and my DD doesn’t want to have to look after her nephew for a week on her only holiday with her children (she works full time and will barely see her DCs over the summer). She explained to her brother that she’d happily take little one another time but not for a full week. The expense and distance is too much, it’s 5 hours each way in the car.

For context DD and I help a lot with childcare and include my other GC in most excursions and see him several times a week. DS and his family have also recently come back from a 2 week abroad holiday so GC has had a nice family holiday, this UK trip is all my DD can afford and the truth is I think she’s asked me to come just for some adult company.

I have looked after DS’s DC on several occasions when DS and his wife have gone away for weekends away without GC and I see him regularly without my DD or her DCs there so I can have one on one time with him.

My MIL was not a very nice grandma to my children although she was to her others , my DS is now saying I’m like her and I’m absolutely devastated, I look after all members of my family and think I’m very fair, he has now said he is done with me and I am not being allowed to pick my GS up from nursery today as I would usually. Any advice welcome .

If you don't want to see them/do stuff for them then don't.

Yeah, you would think wouldn't you but they know how to manipulate you emotionally. If I go NC with them I would also not be able to see any of my extended family and I don't want that.

You sound so bitter that I really can't think what they get out of the relationship.

Oh believe me, they get plenty out of me. I'm the one that is expected to do all of the responsible stuff for them, including apparently looking after them when the time comes.

I've been taught to push down my feelings for the good of everyone else don't worry.

" I would also not be able to see any of my extended family"

So there are no adults who can decide for themselves who to see?

" I'm the one that is expected to do all of the responsible stuff for them, including apparently looking after them when the time comes."

Well more fool you if you do it!

It's not that easy just to walk away.

And we only tend to see extended family at big events - parties, weddings etc so my parents and sister would be there too. How do you go to those if you are NC?

I can understand how the son of the op feels. I guess that she can choose how much of her time she spends with her dd as opposed to her son. She can choose to treat them differently but she can't choose how they feel or react about it. Her son is upset by it and has chosen to go NC. Surely he has as much right to do that as the OP has to favour her dd?

@DecomposingComposers

You know they are playing you and that they depend on you, and if you accept that, doesn't it mean you perfectly well can do what you want for your Birthday? I think you should throw a Major Event for your Big Birthday this year - full on three day marathon, hotel if you can afford it. And spend it with people who value and love you. And of course, they don't see you 23rd till 27th cos you are Busy with the people you are Important to. They've made their bed, you don't have to lie in it though.

KTheGrey

I know, but they're my parents.

I wish I could do that for my birthday but I work in retail and time off over Christmas is forbidden, plus the cost of going anywhere hikes up because it's Christmas and lastly, it's everyone else's Christmas and they all have family commitments. Who's going to come to a birthday party?

And yes I've heard the "celebrate your birthday on another day" many times. But when I say to my sister or the people who day it for them to celebrate their birthdays on a different day I get told why should they? They want to celebrate on the day. Fair enough but why can't anyone understand why I might feel the same?

Well why should they? There isn't any reason for them not to. If they didn't see each other purely so they are making it "fair" in your eyes, then they are swishing to your unreasonableness.
How you respond to that is up to you. It's obvious they love you and want to spend time with you as they "keep pulling you back in". You can either be bitter and resentful or you can choose to not take it personally and see it not as a slight against you, but just the circumstances.
There must be more instances of them favoring your sister because from this one example you are coming across as very sensitive and very childish. There must be more to it.

It's obvious they love you and want to spend time with you as they "keep pulling you back in"

Maybe they do, in their own way. I think in reality it's more about control and keeping up appearances.

There must be more instances of them favoring your sister because from this one example you are coming across as very sensitive and very childish. There must be more to it.

Of course there are more instances. Just as in the op there are lots of instances, each one they feel that they can justify and it's never intended, just circumstances. Just as in the op. Yet most of these "circumstances" they could choose to act differently. So with the birthdays they could choose to behave differently but they don't. They choose to do what they know upsets me.

@GlamourNana Hrm, bet if you didn’t say anything at all, that he would find some way to “magically” forgive you before he’s expecting you to watch his son so he and his wife can jet off to Italy for the bank holiday. Funny that. So basically him saying right now that you can’t see your grandson or pick him up from daycare or that you’re like some evil witch MIL from your family’s past, is a bluffing guilt trip.

When your DD takes you on trips, she pays for you despite being worse off than your DS. When your DS visits your holiday home abroad, you pay for their flights and everything, despite him being better off than your DD. That tells you what you need to know. You need to accept that no matter what he says in your “talk” with him, he will never admit he’s become a bit selfish, self-centred, and ungrateful that you provide free childcare.

Honestly @decomposing I don't know what your solution is. It seems you will only be satisfied if your parents skip your sisters birthday every other year just because they try to see you both on alternate Christmases which is also your Brithday and nothing else will be good enough because you said so.

On another note this thread is getting rather detailed and it pps want to discuss @decomposing s issue I'd suggest starting a thread of their own.

I don't think @OP is being unreasonable. She spends time with her daughter and her DC's because she is often invited to , her DD pays and by default as they live together.
She is trying to be fair to both DCs and all DGCs yet her son barely ever invites her anywhere but throws his toys out of the pram when he finds out she has done something with his sister (which she had been invited to). He swans off on his holidays with his family without asking anyone else about it yet the OP gets invited to a holiday with her DD an he throws a hissy fit and goes NC because they apparently should be giving him a childfree week and provide free childcare for his DS because otherwise it's not fair.
Good luck OP.

How about because they can't be with me for every birthday they don't see my sister on every one of her birthdays? Wouldn't that be fair?

No, it would be very infantile.

Is your birthday on the 25th? My sympathies there if so. I’d probably be more than a touch unreasonably pissed off at my parents for that. They should have planned it better.

They choose to do what they know upsets me. But they shouldn't enable unreasonableness. Just as most people are telling the op not to pander to her son's unreasonableness. If you are as over sensitive to these other things then I can understand them choosing to do things regardless of whether they upset you.
Obviously none of us know the family dynamics and we don't know whether you and the ops son are being over sensitive or are indeed reacting to genuine slights, but on the face of it, from what you and the op have written, then you and the ops son are coming across as the unreasonable ones.
Reflect on the replies to this thread composing and see if changing your attitude can improve your family relationships. It may or may not help if you let go of the jealousy and bitterness, depending on the reality of your situation which obviously we have no real idea about.

Is your birthday on the 25th?

Yep it is

If @DecomposingComposers‘ birthday is on 25th, why not celebrate it a few days before/after?

That way she gets to see her parents and she and the sis can carry on swapping Christmas’ about. That way everyone’s happy.

katewhinesalot

But honestly, why am I unreasonable for asking my parents to do to my sister what they do to me?

Why is it ok for me to have to accept my parents only celebrating my birthday every other year but not my sister?

And why do I need to change my attitude towards their behaviour but they don't need to change their attitude?

Same with the op. The son doesn't like how she treats him so has gone NC. Why should he have to change his feelings when his mum doesn't want to change her behaviour? That's his right to choose surely? The OP doesn't have to "pander" to him as you all keep saying, but he doesn't have to keep exposing himself to it does he?

If the OP makes the choice to keep favouring her dd then she will likely loose contact with her son - that's a choice that she is making, no? Or are you all saying that her son just has to accept it? Why are we obliged to keep seeing people that upset us? No, the son can't make his mum behave differently, as I can't make my parents, but that doesn't mean he has to be a part of it does it?

Butchyrestingface

Because my birthday isn't a few days before.

How about we celebrate Christmas a few days before and then I can see my parents on my birthday every year? Why is it my birthday that gets moved and not Christmas? Loads of people celebrate Christmas on another day. I have never had a birthday, it's always been a tag on to Christmas.

And why do I need to change my attitude towards their behaviour but they don't need to change their attitude?

Because your attitude is ridiculous and unreasonable and your parents aren’t being either of those things. That is the overwhelming consensus.

However, both you and the OP’s son do have the right to be ridiculous and unreasonable. OP’s son just can’t at the same time expect his mum to continue or want to resume picking-up duties when he decides to stop tantruming.

Because my birthday isn't a few days before

You sound like a child.

Have you asked your parents to have an early Christmas one year? I’ve never heard anyone with a Christmas birthday say they enjoyed it, it always sounds like it sucks.

Moving your birthday celebrations forward a few days would probably cause the least upheaval but I can see nothing other than complete capitulation from your parents will suffice.

Fair enough.

And I agree, NC is NC. The son shouldn't expect his mum to still help out but so far he isn't is he? She's been told not to do the nursery pick ups so, he does seem to be sticking to nc., It's just that op doesn't want to accept that.

Have you asked your parents to have an early Christmas one year? I’ve never heard anyone with a Christmas birthday say they enjoyed it, it always sounds like it sucks.

Yes, but always get the excuse that either they have other plans because it's Christmas and they are busy, or they want to see the grandchildren on Christmas day.

I've just given up now. What's the point? It has to be their way or no way so there's no point in me saying anything anymore.

Which is why I think the ops son should cut ties now before he ends up feeling as I do. It will never change. His mum favours his sister and her children and so their relationship will always be different. He will never be treated equally.

I have not read this whole thread so apologies if I have missed something.

I think it is difficult when one adult child needs a lot more parental support than the other - for everyone. The “child” who needs support can fee embarrassed or jealous of the other, the “child” who is more self sufficient can feel left out and resentful and the parent can feel pulled in two.

I think it’s important you stay calm and don’t allow this to escalate into a full blown feud. Take your son out for lunch , just the two of you. Ask him to explain his feelings and really listen - don’t interrupt , don’t respond, just listen. Then tell him how much you love him and will do everything you can to be there for both your children and all your grandchildren.

Don’t discuss this with your daughter - this is between you and your son, you need to be the adult , stay calm , address it in a loving way and don’t be tempted to draw your daughter in on “your side”

Keep your eye on the objective - to move your family through this and maintain loving supportive relationships with both your kids

DecomposingComposers - having a Christmas birthday is shitty and I feel for you, nut you are completely derailing the OP's thread which, I think, has very little to do with your particular set of circumstances. I think you should start your own thread, so that this one can get back on track. OP - your DS need to understand that "Fairness does not mean everyone gets the same. Fairness means everyone gets what they need". You will be there for your DS when he needs it - but at the moment your DD needs you a bit more. You are going to tie yourself in knots trying to please him - and I don't think you will manage. Not sure how you can sort this, while he is being so unreasonable - other than to say "I love DGS and love spending time with him, both on his own and with others. Please invite me, if you want me to come on more outings and holidays with you."

Hippee

Yep I get that. I only shared my view to try and explain the other side to the OP, then got dragged into answering questions.

I don't think the son needs to understand anything. He feels what he feels. I don't think he should feel compelled to have a relationship on someone else's terms. If having a relationship on these terms upsets him to much why does he have to continue? If OP doesn't want to change that's her choice but I think she needs to accept that she can't force her son to participate.

@DecomposingComposer her son has the right to go NC if he so chooses to however you don't seem to get something here.

Based on the OP her daughter invites her along to things, pays for them and just wants some company. Her son wants his DS to be taken along too, by the sounds of it paid for and off his hands. This seems to be a request for free childcare and child free time more than anything else. Either that or extreme immaturity.

I haven't read anything about ops son asking her to go on days out with him/his family and her DGS , I haven't read anything about OPs son inviting her to join him and DGS on their holiday. Yet he's throwing a strop about his sister extending an invite and demands his DS be taken for a week too?
Does he want to come and live with OP too since that what his sister does? Or is he just being petty and immature because he doesn't think he gets the same amount of babysitting ?

OP has written that she doesn't even buy a bag of sweets for her DGCs unless she's buying for all of them.

So yes OPs son has every right to go NC if he so chooses to however it doesn't mean he's being reasonable or fair.

I don't think it's about the holiday though.

Yes, the dd invites her mum on holiday - but it's because the dd wants the company, so more for the DDS benefit than the ops? The op admits that she's closer to her dd, they enjoy each others company, the op took the GC and dd out for the day etc plus dd lives with op so where is there room for the son in all of this?

The OP says that she gets on well with her dd, enjoys her company and they are very close - the implication being she isn't close to her son. I wonder if the dd will remain as close to her mum if she starts a new relationship or when she no longer needs her mum so much? Reading it it feels like the dd is currently the golden child but I wonder how much of that is to do with the dd needing her mum right now so needs to keep her on side?

It isn't like YOU are taking your daughters children away, your daughter has invited you to go on HER holiday!

Quite! It's not polite to invite extras to something you've been invited to, even if they are family. And it sounds as though the OP is already spending quite a lot of time with her DGS.

I'd wager that this is either down to some longstanding rivalry between them (Did you buy your DG more presents than your DS one birthday, OP?) or possibly that DIL has been doing some stirring.

I also think it's quite normal for mothers to be closer to their adult daughters than to their sons and to be more involved in their day-to-day lives. As well as the mother-daughter bond, they have the bond of both being mothers.

I wonder what DIL's relationship with her own mother is like?