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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My adult DS is not talking to me

202 replies

GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 12:39

Hi, hope you can help me out with some advice. My DD and her 2 DCs are living with me for a while she’s gone back to uni to do masters degree. My DS has one child who we see regularly particularly as he loves to come and play with his cousins.

The problem has arisen because my DS thinks that whatever we do it must include his son also. Even when my DD is booking and paying for activities for her 2 DCs.

Generally this is the case but last weekend I was babysitting my DDs children as she and her partner had booked a trip away for her birthday and my partner had arranged an outing with his DD and DGC ( been arranged for months) with my DDs permission I took her 2 children along and this is where the problem is.

My DS found out ( although certainly not kept it secret) and has gone ballistic saying I should’ve taken my other Gc as well. It simply was not practical and the activity was unsuitable for a child of his age. ( he is younger than the other 2)I have explained this to DS but he’s having none of it and accusing me of leaving him out all the time which is simply not true!

My DD has booked a UK seaside trip with her DCs next month and asked for me to come along for company which my DS has now taken exception to saying we should take his DC too. It’s not my holiday and my DD doesn’t want to have to look after her nephew for a week on her only holiday with her children (she works full time and will barely see her DCs over the summer). She explained to her brother that she’d happily take little one another time but not for a full week. The expense and distance is too much, it’s 5 hours each way in the car.

For context DD and I help a lot with childcare and include my other GC in most excursions and see him several times a week. DS and his family have also recently come back from a 2 week abroad holiday so GC has had a nice family holiday, this UK trip is all my DD can afford and the truth is I think she’s asked me to come just for some adult company.

I have looked after DS’s DC on several occasions when DS and his wife have gone away for weekends away without GC and I see him regularly without my DD or her DCs there so I can have one on one time with him.

My MIL was not a very nice grandma to my children although she was to her others , my DS is now saying I’m like her and I’m absolutely devastated, I look after all members of my family and think I’m very fair, he has now said he is done with me and I am not being allowed to pick my GS up from nursery today as I would usually. Any advice welcome .

OP posts:
Alwaysgrey · 04/07/2019 15:42

Honestly your ds sounds like a bit of a brat. Whilst it can’t be easy if his sister lives with you but it’s like he wants you to compensate by taking his son off his hands. Why isn’t he inviting you and his nieces on holiday? Or days out?

Quartz2208 · 04/07/2019 15:43

Fair and just does not always equal fair

I think this is him it sounds like en entitled (younger) brother syndrome

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 04/07/2019 15:48

I'd go on the holiday if he's going to be an ungrateful, entitled man child. They can find someone else to take advantage of.

Original poster
GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 16:04

Befrugee yes they are my husbands children and they were brought up in a loving happy family. Sounds cheesy I know but they both say they want their children to have a childhood like they had . We were all traumatised by my DHs sudden death ( DD actually found him and tried CPR)
They have reacted very differently to me since he died , both loving and caring but my DS seems to think I can’t/shouldn’t make any decision without consulting him whereas my DD has understood my loneliness and eventually my need to make a new life for myself.

OP posts:
TheChain · 04/07/2019 16:04

Is your DS older or younger than his sister? Is he the spoiled baby of the family?

INeedAFlerken · 04/07/2019 16:14

Your son sounds like an entitled, hypocritical twat he's cutting his own nose off to spite his face. Let him. And make him apologise before you let it go, because he will be back because he'll want his paid for flights, your free babysitting weekends, your outings, etc.

INeedAFlerken · 04/07/2019 16:16

And I would also consider sending him the link to this thread and the poll which is 97% in your favour.

He's a twat.

ChangedNameForToday · 04/07/2019 16:19

GlamourNana you sound like an amazing nana to all your GC and your DCs are lucky to have so much involvement and support.

It sounds like your DS is not coping well with the new family dynamic with your DH no longer around and DD kind of in his place. Lots of patience and honest conversations needed.

DuMondeB · 04/07/2019 16:21

Reading your posts is making me really miss my mam, GlamourNana
She was very concerned with fairness and gave much of herself to me and my sister (and our friends, and other family members, injured animals etc).

She died almost 15 years ago. Your son needs to take a deep breath and appreciate you more. Wish I could tell him that!

Yesicancancan · 04/07/2019 16:21

Can your ds go on the holiday? If not then he is actually saying you need to look after his son all week. It’s not like you are treating your dd and her children to a holiday and not him. I think he needs to feel included if possible. He is behaving like a jealous jerk.

Yesicancancan · 04/07/2019 16:24

I see your update. It’s a case of him thinking he’s the man of the palace and you need to consult him. Being protective can be reassuring being a bossy twat is repelling.

Winterlife · 04/07/2019 16:24

I would ask DS if “fairness” is his desired result, why is he not taking you and DD’s children on his family vacations. Why isn’t he inviting you, DD, and her children over to his home for weekends? It’s all on his terms.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2019 16:28

Does he think as the male he should make the decisions? Just wondering what his motive for thinking you shouldn’t forge your own life. Odd. Smacks of male entitlement.

Did you defer to your dh? Was he the decision maker or did you make joint ones? Was your dd brought up to believe males are superior? Be honest with this one. My mother says not but my brother was soooooo favoured but I don’t think I had a happy childhood and have no desire to replicate it.

I just cannot understand if both your children genuinely were happy, why the rivalry from him?

mbosnz · 04/07/2019 16:30

As to that wanting to be consulted, not wanting you to make decisions for yourself - my DM's son-in-law got a bit like that after DD died. He got fairly bloody short shrift, and so he should have done. I think perhaps your DS is about due a dose of short shrift too. You are neither his responsibility nor his to control and manipulate. You are, however due to the courtesy and respect, not to mention appreciation that such a mother is due from her offspring.

Original poster
GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 16:33

My DS is the oldest by 4 years. I most certainly didn’t defer to my husband 😂 we had our own business so worked together for over 20 years as well as being best friends. He would be appalled at the way my DS is behaving !

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 04/07/2019 16:36

I'm seeing this slightly differently to most posters, because your DS only feels he/his DS should be included when you are present, OP. He sees that as you spending more time with the other grandchildren than his, which seems true. You live with them and you are going on holiday with them - that is a lot more time than his DS gets.

I don't agree with the way he is going about it, but I can see his point especially about the trip with your DD's children and your partners - that would have really stung, even if it wasn't an activity that was suitable for his child. What kinds of activity do all the grandchildren (inc your partners) usually do when you take them out together?

mbosnz · 04/07/2019 16:42

Well of course the children that live with their grandmother are going to see more of their grandmother. My mil lives with my sil and her family. Of course she sees more of their children and has a more intense relationship with those children.

Neither DH nor myself would be so silly as to throw a tanty about that!

If the dude has reached adulthood and parenthood without figuring out that life isn't 'fair', then cripes, it's about time someone gave him the memo!

His children have two parents who live together. Lucky them!

Waveysnail · 04/07/2019 16:44

Do you live in a nice/bigger house than ds can afford to live in? There may be some jealousy that his sister moved into a nice house and can live rent/bills free or significantly reduced. Do you look after her children while shes doing her masters? If thos is the case you can see how ds may be little resentful

INeedAFlerken · 04/07/2019 16:45

I would ask DS if “fairness” is his desired result, why is he not taking you and DD’s children on his family vacations. Why isn’t he inviting you, DD, and her children over to his home for weekends? It’s all on his terms.

I can't see his point at all, @ChicCroissant, as he doesn't reciprocate for anybody else but expects to get included in everything himself.

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2019 16:47

Grandparent' POV here.

So many of you seem to think that a GP can be split in half equally.

They need to give the exact amount of time, money and attention to their offspring and their DGCs.

This is not possible. We all do the best we can whilst still trying to find time for ourselves. This is often not noticed or appreciated.

Are you all telling me that you split yourselves in half for your children? All the time? In every way?

No you don't.

The DS in questions seems to think he's the man of the family and is getting very jealous of his sister.

He needs to grow up.

katewhinesalot · 04/07/2019 16:52

Just say that if he asks you and pays for you then you'll happily go on holiday with them - just like you are with DD. Remind him of all the times you've taken them to your holiday home without dd. Then tell him that it's not fair that dd's dc never get to spend time with their mum on their own without their cousin, and you are only there to keep her company, not for any favouriting reasons. Tell him to think how he would feel completely on his own with his ds all the time and ask him to use empathy to see why she asks you. Finish off with reminding him that you'll be happy to do things with him, without dd and her children, if he asks. That if he can't see how unfair he's being then he needs to crack on with his sulking. It will break your heart but you aren't prepared to be blackmailed into having his son muscle in with dd and her family time - because he gets it with his wife and family ie the holiday abroad. Oh and by the way why weren't you all invited too?

TheCatDidSay · 04/07/2019 16:53

This could easily end up being dh and mil with sil.

Sil always gets yes my dear anything you ask my dear. Dh gets oh well I don’t know maybe I’ll let you know closer to the time. Which is always then a no. Sil pratically lives at mils so dh can never just pop in to see his mum. Our children don’t like like to go so much anymore because dn is then always there and they no longer get time with just mil.

Dh is pretty much on the last straw with her with regards to our children being the second class grandchild.

ChicCroissant · 04/07/2019 16:54

He's not really wanting his sister to get involved though, is he? I don't even think he wants his son to spend a holiday with his cousins, just time with his mum/the grandparent. I don't think it is about his sister at all, something (perhaps that outing with the partner's grandchild) has triggered his childhood memories of being left out by his own grandmother (a point he has clearly used to devastating effect on the OP who has found it distressing).

VeThings · 04/07/2019 16:54

Please don’t pull back from your DD and her DC because of the way your DS is behaving. It sounds like you’re a good support for each other.

I’m surprised your DS has kicked off about the holiday - did he invite you to go away with him? If no, then he has a very skewed view of what’s fair - he wants to be able to do what he wants to do, without giving his sister the same opportunity.

It seems to me that your DD has not kicked off about stuff so he takes you and her for granted. She could have moaned at him for not taking you and her DC on holiday, she could complain every time he takes his DS out without inviting her DC, etc. I’m afraid he sounds selfish to me.

DecomposingComposers · 04/07/2019 17:04

ChicCroissant

I was thinking exactly the same.

He feels pushed out and that you gave a much closer relationship with his sister, OP, which to be fair, is true isn't it?

Do you see him without his sister or her children present? Has his sister made your home her home so he feels sidelined there too?

You're seeing it as your dd inviting you to do things do you do them but he's seeing it as you choosing to spend more time with your dd than him, possibly because he thinks you like/love her more?