My adult DS is not talking to me

[GlamourNana]

Hi, hope you can help me out with some advice. My DD and her 2 DCs are living with me for a while she’s gone back to uni to do masters degree. My DS has one child who we see regularly particularly as he loves to come and play with his cousins.

The problem has arisen because my DS thinks that whatever we do it must include his son also. Even when my DD is booking and paying for activities for her 2 DCs.

Generally this is the case but last weekend I was babysitting my DDs children as she and her partner had booked a trip away for her birthday and my partner had arranged an outing with his DD and DGC ( been arranged for months) with my DDs permission I took her 2 children along and this is where the problem is.

My DS found out ( although certainly not kept it secret) and has gone ballistic saying I should’ve taken my other Gc as well. It simply was not practical and the activity was unsuitable for a child of his age. ( he is younger than the other 2)I have explained this to DS but he’s having none of it and accusing me of leaving him out all the time which is simply not true!

My DD has booked a UK seaside trip with her DCs next month and asked for me to come along for company which my DS has now taken exception to saying we should take his DC too. It’s not my holiday and my DD doesn’t want to have to look after her nephew for a week on her only holiday with her children (she works full time and will barely see her DCs over the summer). She explained to her brother that she’d happily take little one another time but not for a full week. The expense and distance is too much, it’s 5 hours each way in the car.

For context DD and I help a lot with childcare and include my other GC in most excursions and see him several times a week. DS and his family have also recently come back from a 2 week abroad holiday so GC has had a nice family holiday, this UK trip is all my DD can afford and the truth is I think she’s asked me to come just for some adult company.

I have looked after DS’s DC on several occasions when DS and his wife have gone away for weekends away without GC and I see him regularly without my DD or her DCs there so I can have one on one time with him.

My MIL was not a very nice grandma to my children although she was to her others , my DS is now saying I’m like her and I’m absolutely devastated, I look after all members of my family and think I’m very fair, he has now said he is done with me and I am not being allowed to pick my GS up from nursery today as I would usually. Any advice welcome .

He probably thinks that his sister has no responsibilities now that she is studying & living back home again.

I can sort of see his point about the day out & his son not being included but your partner's GC were, although if it was unsuitable it's a moot point.

But the holiday is ridiculous-dies he think that your daughter will be living it up whilst you do all the childcare??

If he feels pushed out then he needs to push back in again imo, but not be demanding his child is taken here, there & everywhere without him.

Well, just yesterday there was a thread about holidays where OP felt her SILs kids were favoured over hers. However by OPs admission, her MILs paid for her nursery fees and holidays with them; many posters came on said thread saying that obviously OP's SILs was the favourite and to go low contact etc..

This is just to say that a situation could appear different when you are telling it from one side. As a word of warning, my parents, especially my mum, did favour my sister when we were kids, and still do, and despite I have accepted it and get along with them, I don't think they quite realize how they behave/d. Surely wouldn't even think of it.

Sorry to say, but your DS sounds like a selfish, entitled, brat. He needs you to be really blunt with him, his sister too. You and your DD are doing way too much to appease him to both of your detriment. It’s lovely you and add enjoy each other’s company and if he had anything about him that’s how he’d feel too..happy for you both. Not let him ruin your relationship with your Dd & her DC.

If he wont speak to you write him a letter explaining everything you have posted on mn, explain how your daughter invites you, how its natural to spend more time with DD DC as you live together, how you try to include his DC but sometimes when daughter is paying it's too expensive, how sometimes DD just wants to do activities with her own DC the same as he sometimes wants to spend time as a family unit with his DW and DC, tell him about the garden toys and his DC having his own room, bed etc. Explain how you love both your children and GC equally. Then offer to continue to collect his DC from nursery. Hopefully if he reads it he may reconsider, the trouble with having a conversation sometimes is the other person doesn't really hear what your saying as they are already thinking about their next response to anything you start to say, good luck

My brother and his wife with his dc moved in with my parents for a year and although I am an adult and our situations are different I felt slightly pushed out when I visited or heard about the days out or meals they had. One particular time I felt so unwelcome in my family home by my SIL that I left after a few minutes. My mum tries her very best to treat all the GC equally and making sure she spends equally as well as spending time equally it still stung, but it was more about how I felt than the GC and I probably would have complained to her about not seeing my kids when really I meant me.

A few months ago dh and I were looking to move house to closer to my parents (we live pretty close anyway) and we were in my parents two weekends in a row when my brother had a bit of a strop about him not being invited, even though it was purely a last minute thing. What I am trying to say not very well is that sometimes we can feel a bit pushed out as adults even if there is no need. In my mind my brothers family were always there an I never got to speak to my mum without someone else there and in my brothers mind I am a SAHM and live near my parents so obviously I am there all the time as well as the kids when really we rarely see each other with school and activities. He might assume that my parents paid for one of our kids parties in their house and I get annoyed when I hear my parents paid more for my brothers to go on holiday with them when we got nothing. As adults we feel pushed out and might blame the GC not seeing the grandparents as much as the others.

It could be your son feels a bit unwelcome when he comes to your house with his sister and her children making it their home too and when he hears about the different trips and holidays feels jealous but doesn't want to seem like a brat so blames the kids that you see your daughters children more. One way or another you wont win here OP because you cant treat all the grandchildren the exact same nor should you because every situation is different, but it could be that you could take the time to spend time with your son where your daughter and her children arent involved. He might want to talk about his daily life and feel he cant which can be upsetting.

Plus the phrase you should keep in mind that my mum uses is "I am not a childminder" , you are their grandmother and can see them if and when suits you and they should appreciate it and not expect it.

For the holiday, you should invite DS and his son (and wife)

It's the ops daughters holiday not the ops. The daughter is not obliged to invite her brother especially as he does not do the same.

Op I think you need to really look at your family dynamics. You say your daughter who lives with you bought some garden toys for her children and you then bought the same set for for your sons child so they would have the same when he visits. That is really taking the fair thing too far. It's ok for them to have different toys .Were you worried about your sons response to the toys your daughter bought?

I'm not surprised at all that your mil wasn't a nice grandma. It sounds like you are going all out to not be like her which is great, but I really think it's gone too far. This way of being "fair" now needs reviewing because it seems that the only person it's benefiting is your son.

It's certainly not benefiting your daughter who has to explain to her brother why she doesn't want to take nephew on holiday, and it doesn't benefit you when you have to explain why you had a day out with your partner.

Mil behaviour is clearly a sore spot for you. Your son knows this and is abusing this. He is not entitled to demand his son is included in other people's holidays.He's not entitled to your time, days out, financial resources or free childcare. He's not entitled to go ballistic or threaten no contact.

Your son has abusive unrealistic expectations and you and your daughter need to stand up to him.

Is the DIL loading the gun for DS to fire the bullets???

Basically he wants you all to go the extra mile for him but he will never reciprocate.
His attitude is like "what's yours is mine but what's mine is mine".
It's all take, take, take from him isn't it?

Why didn't he take his nephews and nieces on his holiday if he expects his child to be taken on theirs?
Why aren't him or his wife taking ALL the kids out whenever they take their own child out?
It seems like he's happy to take your money/holidays/time etc but is too selfish and up his own arse to give anywhere near the same back.
He actually believes he's entitled to everything!

How did you treat him when he threw tantrums as a child? Cos that's what he's doing.
He doesn't even have any compassion or understanding for his sister who is a single parent on one income compared to his 2-parent family with i presume 2 incomes?

Don't let him call the shots and emotionally blackmail you by using his child as a weapon.

Not entitled sorry.

I think he's jealous of the close relationship between you and your DD and is feeling left out, and by extension feels that his child is being left out.

He's being a bit silly, tbh - the situation as you've described it seems to be that you do everything as fairly as possible, but he doesn't seem to want to see that. I doubt he thinks about all the things you DO do for and with his son, he's only focusing on the things you DON'T do - and that's not healthy for your relationship.

As for what you do about it - well, he has to come to you really. You can tell him that you're sad about the situation between you and ask if he wants to talk, but you'd have to listen and nod a lot while he gets it out. And then tell him, gently, to wind his neck in and be sensible about it.

Son is being an arse.

It isn't like YOU are taking your daughters children away, your daughter has invited you to go on HER holiday!

Your son could invite you to holiday with him as well couldn't he?! Hypocritical man child.

He sounds like a brat, but you say you and your DD are close? Maybe growing up he noticed you got on with her more than him and he doesn’t want your GC to feel similarly about his cousins?
I know my DGM loves all of us the same, however she spent a lot of time with my aunt and her 4 children (and still does) over myself and DSis. My DM was forever arguing with her about this as it was the same when she and her siblings were children, my aunt was always the favourite as they just got along better.

I feel like he’s probably expressing how he felt growing up and hoping to avoid it with his DC who probably can’t understand it just yet.

I’m firmly in the YANBU camp by the way, you shouldn’t have to take your GC everywhere with you because your other GC go if it just isn’t suitable, or if you’re tagging along to your DD’s holiday.

Why should your dd take her nephew on her holiday when your ds didn't take his sister's kids on his holiday?

From what you’ve said YANBU I think your son is being unrealistic. it’s your DD holiday and why doesn’t he take her children on his holiday? I think you sound quite fair tbh

Ask him What does he suggest as a soltion ?
Does he want to move in with his wife & DC, or just him & DC, does he want to pay for everyone's joint holiday ? Does he want you to have a chart & seconds of CM time? Does he want you to throw out DD & refuse all CM ? or only do things with all the GC even tho his DS is younger & can't do the same things, to stop paying for all flights, or only pay for his ? does he want to have the same salary as his sister & give the rest to charity?
seriously, ask him what he wants,

I'd tell him to piss off personally and to arrange all childcare for his son because I wouldn't be doing anymore. I think hes been unreasonable and childish. Also its totally upto you who you spend time with child wise and grandchild wise it doesn't have to be straight down the line 50/50. Its also not upto your daughter to babysit her nephew on holiday, hes not her child.

To answer a previous question I don’t just babysit for my daughter for a weekend, I have also had DSc for weekends . Last bank holiday I had him as his mum went abroad for a hen do and my DS was working. Also I am foregoing my “girlie” holiday this year as it clashes with DS and DIL going to Italy for a wedding and children not invited so he’ll be coming to stay with me

What ? he sounds like a bullying ass to me
what about, "OK, to make it even I am stopping all babysitting as from today, for everyone, you will have to find alternative arrangements for the plans you have coming up. Watch him Back Pedal

To answer a previous question I don’t just babysit for my daughter for a weekend, I have also had DSc for weekends . Last bank holiday I had him as his mum went abroad for a hen do and my DS was working. Also I am foregoing my “girlie” holiday this year as it clashes with DS and DIL going to Italy for a wedding and children not invited so he’ll be coming to stay with me

He has cheek. I'd ask him why you weren't invited to his family holiday- say you were waiting for an invite but it didn't happen and you're upset that he didn't think you spend time with you, whereas DD does. Turn it back round on him. Say it's not about your relationship with your GC but your relationship with him.

Also I am foregoing my “girlie” holiday this year as it clashes with DS and DIL going to Italy for a wedding and children not invited so he’ll be coming to stay with me

Are DS & DIL going to be making alternative arrangements now?

You sound an incredibly kind, generous, involved, patient, caring, tolerant and giving grandparent to all your offspring and their children. I think DS truly doesn't understand just how lucky he is, and his family are, to have you. Sometimes, of course, familiarity breeds a touch of contempt - and of course the opposite cliche is that a bit of absence can make the heart grow fonder!

It does sound complicated and I think a frank discussion with your DS might be good for both of you.

May i ask how your DD and DS were when your husband died (assuming he was their father). I know that when my father died I seemed to be doing a LOT more support for my mum than my DB (although grief affects everyone differently and for me it was easier just to get on with doing stuff). Subconsciously maybe you do more with your DD (or maybe not) because she supports you more?

Good luck!

make a list. write down all the times dd has asked you out and paid.write the times down when you have babysat her children.
write down the times you have invited him abroad and paid, spent time with each set, bought presents for each set. (make sure to include the garden set that you did not buy for dd's kids)

write down the times he has been away and not invited you, or his dns

get someone else to look at it carefull and see if there is an obvious difference.

Has your DS always been jealous of your DD OP?
I think you do more than enough for him and it's awful the way he's making you tie yourself in knots trying to give your DGS the exact amount of time he believes you give your other DGC. It's pathetic and I should imagine making it hard for you to enjoy your DGC as much as you could do. DO not pander to him anymore. He'll soon come crawling back when he needs a babysitter, and when he does sit him down and tell him you won't put up with his childish crap anymore!