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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My adult DS is not talking to me

202 replies

GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 12:39

Hi, hope you can help me out with some advice. My DD and her 2 DCs are living with me for a while she’s gone back to uni to do masters degree. My DS has one child who we see regularly particularly as he loves to come and play with his cousins.

The problem has arisen because my DS thinks that whatever we do it must include his son also. Even when my DD is booking and paying for activities for her 2 DCs.

Generally this is the case but last weekend I was babysitting my DDs children as she and her partner had booked a trip away for her birthday and my partner had arranged an outing with his DD and DGC ( been arranged for months) with my DDs permission I took her 2 children along and this is where the problem is.

My DS found out ( although certainly not kept it secret) and has gone ballistic saying I should’ve taken my other Gc as well. It simply was not practical and the activity was unsuitable for a child of his age. ( he is younger than the other 2)I have explained this to DS but he’s having none of it and accusing me of leaving him out all the time which is simply not true!

My DD has booked a UK seaside trip with her DCs next month and asked for me to come along for company which my DS has now taken exception to saying we should take his DC too. It’s not my holiday and my DD doesn’t want to have to look after her nephew for a week on her only holiday with her children (she works full time and will barely see her DCs over the summer). She explained to her brother that she’d happily take little one another time but not for a full week. The expense and distance is too much, it’s 5 hours each way in the car.

For context DD and I help a lot with childcare and include my other GC in most excursions and see him several times a week. DS and his family have also recently come back from a 2 week abroad holiday so GC has had a nice family holiday, this UK trip is all my DD can afford and the truth is I think she’s asked me to come just for some adult company.

I have looked after DS’s DC on several occasions when DS and his wife have gone away for weekends away without GC and I see him regularly without my DD or her DCs there so I can have one on one time with him.

My MIL was not a very nice grandma to my children although she was to her others , my DS is now saying I’m like her and I’m absolutely devastated, I look after all members of my family and think I’m very fair, he has now said he is done with me and I am not being allowed to pick my GS up from nursery today as I would usually. Any advice welcome .

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/07/2019 13:14

You cannot always make everything equal!

As a GP you can be slated for favouring the eldest or the youngest. The girls over the boys. The ones that live closest. Your daughter's kids rather than your son's. The ones with the least money. The ones that before childcare. Etc etc.

You can only do your best. And sometimes, do what you prefer to do and sod the lot of them!

BTW does your son ever take his sister's children out or away? Or look after them?

Pleasebeafleabite · 04/07/2019 13:14

Can you write him a letter setting out what you have put here? YANBU from what you have written. What about DIL ? Can she be reasoned with?

ICanWearMyBoobsUpOrDown · 04/07/2019 13:15

That’s on him, not OP and you don’t pander to strops unless you want them to continue.

Meanwhile a child is missing out, her ds will be feeling like op isn't making the effort and they will drift further apart, and none of the adults are resolving anything.

There are 3 sides to this story, the ops, where she feels she is treating them all equally, the son's, where he feels his child is sidelined, and somewhere in the middle is the truth, where op probably is unwittingly favouring her dds children, and her ds is over reacting a bit.

Someone needs to back down.

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2019 13:16

*need more childcare. Not before!!

Whathappenedtooursummer · 04/07/2019 13:16

Your dd shares your company. Ds expecting you to take his dc is childcare. Unless he goes also.
He is a cf imo.

blackcat86 · 04/07/2019 13:18

So what does your DS do for your DDs children? It all seems very take take rather than reciprocal. He goes away with his family for 2 weeks without question but simply because your DD has invited you away your DS is kicking off. He also expects his child to be included in outings that you and DD organise but does he organise outings and have DDs children for the day? He is acting like a spolit brat.

Original poster
GlamourNana · 04/07/2019 13:19

BTW does your son ever take his sister's children out or away? Or look after them?
Very very occasionally will help out with his niece (she’s the eldest) but has never once looked after or helped with his nephew. This is something that I know hurts my DD.

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 04/07/2019 13:21

But he doesn't include his nephews/nieces, does he? He doesn't include you, either. He goes on holiday whenever he wants with his family, but doesn't include anyone else, yet when you go on holiday, you have to include his family. That's not fair.

Try pointing this out - but I'd also second having a think and trying to see of he has a point.

As PP says I used to invite my family as did the kids themselves did we were always turned down however easy we made it while they did a lot with DN. They always had reasons - but you get the message anyway and slowly stop asking - then they forget all the times you did ask

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 04/07/2019 13:22

He's a spoilt brat. Ignore him.

blackcat86 · 04/07/2019 13:24

Then he's using guilt to gain a lot of special treatment for his son without reciprocating. He seems to have cast himself as the victim. What does his wife say? If you have a good relationship with her could you organise a girls day out with you, your DD and her or just take her for coffee?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2019 13:24

I imagine he sees it as you pay for your dd to live with you (at least save her in rent) therefore you should pay to take him / his ds on holiday to balance the score. Your dd pays for you to go on holiday with her and that is irrelevant in his eyes. He sounds spiteful and very jealous. I think he takes after your mil actually. You already were bullied by your mil, don’t take this too from your ds.

Write to him as opposed to talking. Say something very simple about how much you love him and his child. Unfortunately you cannot invite his child away on a holiday offered by your dd. You love it when he and his wife invite you to go away with his family. You love having your dgs to stay and as he gets older, you are making sure you have a 1-2-1 relationship with his ds and not always with the dgds. Your dd lives with you, he lives with his wife both are not situations likely to change atm. Ask him what he’d like you to do differently.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2019 13:25

(I forgot to add about how lovely his wife is or similar)

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 04/07/2019 13:26

Your son sounds like a selfish, spoilt brat. Call his bluff, leave the ball in his court, don't contact him. It sounds like he uses you and your DD for free childcare and free days out. Stop paying for your DS's flights to your holiday home. If he and his family want a free holiday abroad, then they can pay for their own bloody flights. It smacks of jealousy when there is no need. From what you have said your DS is much better off than your DD and she is coping with studying, working and being a single Mum to two kids, whilst he is married, better off and has only the one kid to look after with his wife. and pay for their own flights to your holiday home. I wonder if your DS would bother with you & your DD so much if he wasn't getting free childcare/days out/holidays etc from you both. Just leave him be for now - if he really wants a relationship with you and his sister, let him make the first move and if he doesn't then you will know that all he wants from you and his Dsis is free childcare and holidays.

Ijustwanttoretire · 04/07/2019 13:27

DS and his family have also recently come back from a 2 week abroad holiday so GC has had a nice family holiday

Did he take your DD children? No? Did he offer? No? Tell him to grow up.

Stressedout10 · 04/07/2019 13:27

Sorry OP but I really think you need to look at this from his point of view.
You live with your dd and her kids, even if you aren't actively taking care of them you are spending time with them.

You regularly go out with dd and her kids but not with ds and his dc.

Your going on holiday with dd and her kids but didn't go with ds and his DC.

You went out with your dp, his dd and dgc and your dd and her kids but refused to take your DS's dc. Did you even invite your ds?

You say its because he hasn't asked, but have you offered? Do you really have the sort of relationship with him that he feels like he can ask?

I can very easily see why he is very upset can you truly not see it to?

QueenBeee · 04/07/2019 13:28

YOU have explained things well here. Have a conversation on your own with DS and explain you're position, listen to his side.

Nittynorathescalpexplorer · 04/07/2019 13:29

Are you sure It is actually you’re DS and not his DW?
The only reason I say this is because it seems to be more against your DD than you.
It seems like you are in the middle here and that’s not okay you are his mum don’t allow this spoilt man child to be so petulant

5foot5 · 04/07/2019 13:29

How well do you get on with his wife? If you think the umbrage is coming from your DS and not from her is there any possibility you can talk to her about it and see if she can make him take a more reasonable POV

LoafofSellotape · 04/07/2019 13:29

They live with you, you're holidaying with them, you're having trips out with them... I can see why he feels as though his child is a bit sidelined

Yes,I agree.

AcrobaticCardigan · 04/07/2019 13:31

Favouritism is v destructive within families. Obv you are bound to spend more time with your DD and her kids as they live with you, but the fact that your son feels like this and is getting a bit unreasonable suggests there’s more to it even if you do not realise. Can you have a proper chat with him?

Fundays12 · 04/07/2019 13:32

I personally don’t ask her as it’s not my mother plus on the rare occasion I have asked her to do something she has been too busy with her daughters and granddaughters. She also at times ignored my messages asking for a bit of help with picking up ds1 which i found really rude as her sons kids are as much her grandkids as her daughters kids are. (I only really ask 4 times a year or so).

We are now at the point my toddler isn’t that comfortable staying with her anyway so I pay his childminder when I need care for him. Also when she visits she only talks the girls on the family. It’s gets rather frustrating when all you hear are how wonderful they are whilst she ignore things such as my ds with additional needs getting an outstanding report card that graded him 2 years above his age group in maths or my 2 year old getting assessed as well above average in all areas of his development. I think to not even say well done to the kids says a lot about how uninterested she is.

However my husband asked her frequently for months to do things with him and the kids whilst I was at work or pop up and spend some time with them and she was always to busy so he stopped asking.

She really doesn’t see though that she favours her dds and there kids and assumes it’s jealousy on other people’s parts over the girls.

I am not saying this is the case in the OPs situation as her ds could be just being unreasonable but it’s worth considering the wider picture.

TheChain · 04/07/2019 13:33

You regularly go out with dd and her kids but not with ds and his dc

Your going on holiday with dd and her kids but didn't go with ds and his DC

She said her DD invites her for company though... that’s different.

And she has gone on holiday with DS lots of times she’s said, just this time is her DD’s family holiday and she’s been invited along.

The only reason I say this is because it seems to be more against your DD than you

Yes I picked up on this too. Does he have a problem with his sister or her kids? And he’s projecting that onto you?

Happyspud · 04/07/2019 13:34

I think the only thing you’ve possibly done wrong here is raise a spoilt and entitled son. The more important thing might be to figure out why he’s acting so unreasonably?

Travis1 · 04/07/2019 13:36

OP your son sounds like a spoilt toddler. Why is it ok for him to holiday without DDs children but not for DD to holiday without his? He doesn't take your other GC on his days out why should he expect his sister to include his? Just because you are going along as well?

They are both in different positions in life and your son needs to appreciate that. Think I'd be having words with him. Sounds like he'll suffer more in the long run with this strop than anything else.

GabsAlot · 04/07/2019 13:40

I dont get your son at all-he doesnt invite his niece and nephews but expects his ds to be invited whereever you go-sounds like he just wants free childcare to me