My adult DS is not talking to me

[GlamourNana]

Hi, hope you can help me out with some advice. My DD and her 2 DCs are living with me for a while she’s gone back to uni to do masters degree. My DS has one child who we see regularly particularly as he loves to come and play with his cousins.

The problem has arisen because my DS thinks that whatever we do it must include his son also. Even when my DD is booking and paying for activities for her 2 DCs.

Generally this is the case but last weekend I was babysitting my DDs children as she and her partner had booked a trip away for her birthday and my partner had arranged an outing with his DD and DGC ( been arranged for months) with my DDs permission I took her 2 children along and this is where the problem is.

My DS found out ( although certainly not kept it secret) and has gone ballistic saying I should’ve taken my other Gc as well. It simply was not practical and the activity was unsuitable for a child of his age. ( he is younger than the other 2)I have explained this to DS but he’s having none of it and accusing me of leaving him out all the time which is simply not true!

My DD has booked a UK seaside trip with her DCs next month and asked for me to come along for company which my DS has now taken exception to saying we should take his DC too. It’s not my holiday and my DD doesn’t want to have to look after her nephew for a week on her only holiday with her children (she works full time and will barely see her DCs over the summer). She explained to her brother that she’d happily take little one another time but not for a full week. The expense and distance is too much, it’s 5 hours each way in the car.

For context DD and I help a lot with childcare and include my other GC in most excursions and see him several times a week. DS and his family have also recently come back from a 2 week abroad holiday so GC has had a nice family holiday, this UK trip is all my DD can afford and the truth is I think she’s asked me to come just for some adult company.

I have looked after DS’s DC on several occasions when DS and his wife have gone away for weekends away without GC and I see him regularly without my DD or her DCs there so I can have one on one time with him.

My MIL was not a very nice grandma to my children although she was to her others , my DS is now saying I’m like her and I’m absolutely devastated, I look after all members of my family and think I’m very fair, he has now said he is done with me and I am not being allowed to pick my GS up from nursery today as I would usually. Any advice welcome .

I think that parents have different relationships with their children, and that's fair enough.

Often it's a case of getting back what you put in.

If one child puts an awful lot of time and effort and emotional investment into their relationship with their parent, then it's highly likely they're going to have a closer relationship with that child. That's my eldest sister.

Then there's the one who lives further away, but still keeps very much in contact, and is supportive and present, while not being physically there. That's me.

Then there's the two that she only ever hears from when they want something or have got pissed and over emotional. That's the other two sisters. Funnily enough she doesn't have a particularly strong relationship with them. One of them gets quite bent out of shape over it.

DecomposingComposers, so, because Christmas is also your birthday, you feel it would be fair if your parents never spent Christmas with your sister and her family?

DecomposingComposers, so, because Christmas is also your birthday, you feel it would be fair if your parents never spent Christmas with your sister and her family?

See, this is the argument that they use. No, I don't think that.

How about because they can't be with me for every birthday they don't see my sister on every one of her birthdays? Wouldn't that be fair?

This year is a big birthday for me but it's not my "turn" so guess it's just tough luck to me huh?

As for you only get out what you put in - yes that's true except that many of these patterns exist from childhood. Do you think it's the responsibility of the child to build a good relationship with its parents? I also do far more of the caring role for our parents because my sister has always been seen as the baby of the family who needs to be looked after whilst I am the self sufficient one who can deal with stuff. Apparently.

I am guessing he may be jealous about the close relationship you have with your DD. It does not excuse his behaviour though.

I think it's the responsibility of both parties, but I also think that people need to start seeing their childhood and their parents through the lens of an adult, rather than staying stuck in the sight of a child, if you know what I mean. Which can be hard, admittedly.

One of my siblings simply cannot get past the injustices of her childhood, both real and perceived, which has been a real barrier to her having a genuinely positive and constructive relationship with her mother. Okay, admittedly, it would help if Mum could actually genuinely understand and accept our points of view, but any attempts at an olive branch or reaching out to her has been met with the same old bitter resentment.

Okay, I get what you're saying now. Personally if I were your parents, I'd be more likely to say bugger this for a game of soldiers, no matter what we do someone's nose is going to be out of joint, so we're not going to anyone's sodding birthday, and we're off to Dubai for Christmas! (Just kidding). I do think when it's a major birthday for you, then even if that makes it two Christmases in a row that they're with you, then that's what they should do, if the family tradition is that the parents are there for the birthday.

I also understand how grating it is the different expectations of different offspring, based on how they're labelled and contextualised within the family.

In ours, we have the perfect one (oldest sister), and that's pretty hard on her at times, we have the pretty one (who eventually found out she also had a brain when she was in her late forties), the black sheep (fair cop, she really is, sigh), and me - I'm the smart one. (I'm not that smart.) Far less is expected of the pretty one and the black sheep, if they do a damned thing, it's wonderful. You know, like call once a year, pissed as a fart. Or miracle of miracles, call, NOT pissed as a fart, lol. Whereas everything perfect one and smart one does is kind of just seen as parr for the course, really.

Families, hey? They fuck you up. . .

On the face of things your DS is being an absolute arse.

But, I'm kind of in a similar boat with my DM and DSis. My DM does a lot of childcare for my DSis (either whilst she's working or because she wants a night out). I ask for help very rarely because I'm always made to feel like it's a problem, either by my DM or my DSis.

Because of all of this I have started to pull away from them both and do my own thing more. Hadn't heard from DM for the last few weeks at all unless I have called or messaged her, that was until yesterday when she messaged me just making small talk until she asked to borrow money. So obviously I'm good for something then!

Not saying any of this is you OP. Just saying that if you were to ask my family how our relationship is they genuinely wouldn't have a fucking clue that it's not ok and really upsets me. Maybe your son feels like the same.

Families, hey? They fuck you up.

Ain't that the truth?

It's hard isn't it? You read these threads and think the answer is obvious but then peak behind it a little and it's like Pandora's box. We are such complex creatures I think the answer is rarely simple.

Decomposing
How about because they can't be with me for every birthday they don't see my sister on every one of her birthdays? Wouldn't that be fair?

Yes it would be fair, but it's very childish to expect that.
As an outsider it's difficult to understand the "just because you can't have something, nobody else should either" attitude. I understand that you are entrenched in childhood resentments but with your adult hat on, can't you see the ridiculousness of the above statement?

Your son is a controlling bully.

He sounds like an arse. He’s jealous of his sister BUT doesn’t try and organise trips or holidays to take you on, he just wants his DC going on his sisters trips. Plus he is stopping you going on the girly holiday and thinks you can’t make decisions.

It’s not unreasonable for your DD to want some company as a single mum and it’s not unreasonable for your DS/DIL to not want more company if they want to do things as a family. It’s only unreasonable to throw your toys out of the park and be a whiny brat about it.

katewhinesalot

No, I really can't.

I wouldn't celebrate every birthday with one of my children and not with the other.

And why is it if I can't have something then no one can? I'm asking why my parents choose to treat their children differently. Why shouldn't both of our birthdays be treated in the same way by our parents?

"Why shouldn't both of our birthdays be treated in the same way by our parents?"

Because your birthday falls on a day when they sometimes have another commitment?

Decomposing
Because they aren't actively choosing to not see you on your birthday. It's just an unfortunate set of circumstances that mean its not possible. So why should your sister miss out because her parents can see her? They aren't prioritising her. It's just possible for them on her birthday but not on your birthday.

Because your birthday falls on a day when they sometimes have another commitment?

Yes, a commitment with my sister.

So why should your sister miss out because her parents can see her

But equally, why should I miss out? So, my sister spends every birthday and every other Christmas with my parents. So 2 days one year and 1 day the following.

I spend every other Christmas/birthday with them. So 1 day every other year.

Honestly, I just don't understand why they don't want to make it fairer, I really don't. If I can't give the same to both of my children I don't give to either.

Wrt the op she is choosing to treat her children differently. The son surely doesn't have to accept that? He's chosen to have no contact with her, maybe because he finds it to upsetting. That's his choice to make isn't it? I don't think it's right for the op to treat her children differently and just expect him to suck it up. Maybe the consequence of her favouring her dd is that she is estranged from her son?

You sound so horribly bitter, Decomposing.

It seems as if some shit must have happened as a child for you to be so resentful as an adult to not see your parents every bday.

I'm guessing that you're too far apart to meet up for part of your bday-although I'm thinking that if you didn't get the same amount of hours as your sister then it would't be good enough.

Do you get on with your sister or does your resentment of how your parents treat her prevent that?

Gosh what bitterness @DecomposingComposers

Seriously though if my birthday was on Christmas day or new year's Day or Easter or whatever else which is also a holiday for millions of people I would probably just celebrate it the day before or after. Or around that time.
And no I would not expect my parents or family members to not see my siblings on their birthdays every other year because they can't see me.

A bit immature and bitter ...

"If I can't give the same to both of my children I don't give to either"

That doesn't and shouldn't apply to Adults.

You give, at times, to whoever needs it.

I'm stuck in a similar situation as the OP.

I wish my Adult children would see me as a person, who has limited emotional space and actual time, as well as physical energy. In other words, I'm Human.

Just because I've been alive for X amount of years, doesn't mean i don't count at times.

It also doesn't mean that i should be all self sacrificing just because i gave birth over 21 years ago.

OP ypu can't win this one, stop trying so hard.

Tell him that things will even out as his chuld gets older and let him have his hissy fits.

I used to envy people with more money to spend on their Children/Grandchildren, until i found out what went on behind the scenes.

diddl

No, we all live 5 minutes apart, so no distance.

I sound bitter? Yes, that's because I am.

Does it affect my relationship with my sister? Yes it does because she gets all of the benefits while I get all of the responsibility and expectations.

And again, I would not give more (of anything - money or time) to one child than another so I can't understand any parent that does.

And yes I've heard the "celebrate your birthday on another day" many times. But when I say to my sister or the people who day it for them to celebrate their birthdays on a different day I get told why should they? They want to celebrate on the day. Fair enough but why can't anyone understand why I might feel the same?

I wish that I was rave enough to do what the ops son has done and cut contact tbh.

DecomposingComposers i used tp have two Birthdays.

One with Family and one with Friends (usually on a piss up etc).

A December Birthday is tough, but your out of order expecting every Christmas to be about you. Time to grow up.

DecomposingComposers how, old are your children?

A December Birthday is tough, but your out of order expecting every Christmas to be about you

But that's the thing - I don't expect Christmas to be about me, I just do not understand why my parents can't alternate seeing my sister every other year on her birthday. Why is that so terrible? To me it feels like they are saying that she can't be expected to put up with that, but you can.

My children are in their 20s

"I wish that I was rave enough to do what the ops son has done and cut contact tbh."

Sounds as if that would be best for everyone & that you should do it.

Sounds as if that would be best for everyone & that you should do it.

It's not that easy though is it? Especially when they don't want you to and keep pulling you back in.

" I just do not understand why my parents can't alternate seeing my sister every other year on her birthday"

Is thete a good reason why they should do that?

Do you allow them to go to Friend's Birthdays?

Are you a Grandmother yet?

Ypu might not have had the experience if one of your children needing ypu nore tjan the other and you having to respond to that.

You can be letting your children down by treating them equally, which isn't always fairly.

Why haven't you made a life for yourself, so you haven't focused on this one thing?

"Especially when they don't want you to and keep pulling you back in."

It's up to you though, isn't it?

If you don't want to see them/do stuff for them then don't.

They can only pull you back in if you let them.

You sound so bitter that I really can't think what they get out of the relationship.

Do you allow them to go to Friend's Birthdays?

There friends aren't my sister are they?

No, not a grandmother yet.

And yes, my children need different things from me, but they still get the same amount of help iyswim.

Why haven't you made a life for yourself, so you haven't focused on this one thing?

Really? I have a life thanks, doesn't stop me from being upset about this though.

See, I would rather say to my parents that I'll spend every birthday doing what I want to do and will see them on another day to celebrate Christmas, because I would feel that gives me some control back. But no, that's not good enough. They insist that we have to take turns because it's Christmas so it feels to me like they have to keep picking at the scab that they know hurts me. I also get the "we want to see the grandchildren" card played too. Because it's Christmas. Like I say, I wish I was brave enough to stop contact but it's not just me to think about, it's my children and their relationship with their grandparents too.