My adult DS is not talking to me

[GlamourNana]

Hi, hope you can help me out with some advice. My DD and her 2 DCs are living with me for a while she’s gone back to uni to do masters degree. My DS has one child who we see regularly particularly as he loves to come and play with his cousins.

The problem has arisen because my DS thinks that whatever we do it must include his son also. Even when my DD is booking and paying for activities for her 2 DCs.

Generally this is the case but last weekend I was babysitting my DDs children as she and her partner had booked a trip away for her birthday and my partner had arranged an outing with his DD and DGC ( been arranged for months) with my DDs permission I took her 2 children along and this is where the problem is.

My DS found out ( although certainly not kept it secret) and has gone ballistic saying I should’ve taken my other Gc as well. It simply was not practical and the activity was unsuitable for a child of his age. ( he is younger than the other 2)I have explained this to DS but he’s having none of it and accusing me of leaving him out all the time which is simply not true!

My DD has booked a UK seaside trip with her DCs next month and asked for me to come along for company which my DS has now taken exception to saying we should take his DC too. It’s not my holiday and my DD doesn’t want to have to look after her nephew for a week on her only holiday with her children (she works full time and will barely see her DCs over the summer). She explained to her brother that she’d happily take little one another time but not for a full week. The expense and distance is too much, it’s 5 hours each way in the car.

For context DD and I help a lot with childcare and include my other GC in most excursions and see him several times a week. DS and his family have also recently come back from a 2 week abroad holiday so GC has had a nice family holiday, this UK trip is all my DD can afford and the truth is I think she’s asked me to come just for some adult company.

I have looked after DS’s DC on several occasions when DS and his wife have gone away for weekends away without GC and I see him regularly without my DD or her DCs there so I can have one on one time with him.

My MIL was not a very nice grandma to my children although she was to her others , my DS is now saying I’m like her and I’m absolutely devastated, I look after all members of my family and think I’m very fair, he has now said he is done with me and I am not being allowed to pick my GS up from nursery today as I would usually. Any advice welcome .

Respond with "I'd love to even things up. When shall I go on holiday with your and DIL then? Just us, without DD and other GCs? I can't afford to pay for it, so you'll need to pay for the flights and accommodation like DD did. Won't it be wonderful?"

I find it weird that so many adults think they're entitled to free childcare and can even complain when there's not enough of it! I think I'd be more inclined to sympathise with his position if he was wondering why you don't all spend time together - like a big family holiday or a day out together, but he's just asking you to take his son off his hands instead. My MIL is extremely close to her daughter and I wouldn't dream of criticising that or asking them to tone it down so that my DH and DCs could be involved. You can't always do all things equally as relationships differ and I think that's perfectly fine. You sound like a really nice mum.

@GabsAlot I suspect this has more to do with patterns laid down from childhood.

It seems like he could take some of his own advice
He wants his child to be treated the same

He needs to invite you out more regularly, invite you on holidays and invite his dn on activities with his family

⁰ to fall out with you because hIt'sis sister organised a holiday without inviting nieces and nephews. When he has just done that. Why didn't he invite you?

This is nothing to do with favouring one child over the other. What does your son want you to do - tell your dd to move out? Move him and his son in with you? He's being ridiculous and I wouldn't tolerate it any more than I'd tolerate my 7 year old sulking. If your son thinks all family members should be stuck to each other on a regular basis, ask him why you and your other GC were not invited on his holiday.

Could you speak to his wife about it if she is more reasonable?

Only thing I'd say is make sure you spend some time alone with his child as you obviously see your other gc who live with you in their own all the time

I would be furious if my brother expected me to look after his child for a week on my holiday. No way.He is really treating your daughter like a skivvy here. She is a single working mother and deserves a holiday. She is not free childcare for him.

What your son is proposing is ridiculous and entitled.
He is not proposing that all grandchildren are treated the same (which would be reasonable) because if he was he would also be including your dds children in his holidays and days out. And he's not doing that.

It sounds to me like you both tiptoe round him a bit. I'm really surprised that your daughters response to his cheeky fuckery was to offer to take nephew on holiday another time.

He sounds jealous and entitled. I'd rein it back in for a bit, and he'll soon realise quite how much you do for him.

If you made a special trip with just your DD's kids that DS's child can't join, then maybe you should offer a separate trip to your DS's child, suitable for his age and interests and without the others. The fact that you happened to be babysitting your DD's kids at the time isn't really important.

My DD for example bought some garden toys for her DCs so I bought another set for my DS’s DC so he could have the same when he visits.

I wonder if you were being clear enough about who is paying for things? If your DD pays for the toys for her DCs then maybe you need to ask your DS "DD bought these toys for her DCs, do you want to buy the same for your DS to play with at our house?" You buying things for DS's child when your DD is spending her own money on her DCs may be confusing the money situation and actually making things worse not better.

My DD has booked a UK seaside trip with her DCs next month and asked for me to come along for company which my DS has now taken exception to saying we should take his DC too.

For the holiday, you should invite DS and his son (and wife) And he pays for himself and his family, if you are not paying for DD and her children. Maybe he assumes you paid for DD's holiday.

You know that if you said to him, "You don't take your nephew/niece on holiday with you" he'd say, "Why should I? It's my holiday! And why should I pay for them?" Yet he expects his sister to do it.

I am not being allowed to pick my GS up from nursery today as I would usually.

If I were you, I'd give him some space. I'm betting as much as he sees this as a punishment for you, they will soon change their tune when they realise they have lost their free baby sitter.

Stop pandering to him. He's being utterly ridiculous about this. You've done nothing wrong.

I thought you could stop treating DCs identically when they reached the age of about 8. Up to that point the "It's not fair why can't I have what they have" refrain could be tolerated and put down to immaturity.

Seems your DS hasn't matured past that point.

Tell him to bloody well grow up and live his own life.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and reply to me. I have certainly not given up on the situation and am really grateful for the comments that may be I see things differently to him . I would never deliberately favour one over the other , I need a frank and honest talk with him about how and why he is so angry with me even if I don’t like the answer!

I need a frank and honest talk with him about how and why he is so angry with me even if I don’t like the answer!

I get what you are saying, but I think you need to stand up for yourself and tell him that he needs to stop with all this and you aren't being unfair at all. He needs to hear the truth!

It sound like he is just interested in offloading his Ds.

If he was interested in Ds spending time with you then he would invite you on days out and holidays.

Is he the type to be professionally offended? Some people like to feel hard done by.

Offer to come on holidays with him next time and watch him back pedal. Or not. He's probably too caught up in being downtrodden.

From what you've written it sounds like he's being unreasonable. But, if it's an honest reflection if how he feels, I think it'd be good to get to the bottom of it.

I can see why he might feel like this. Your other DGC live with you now, and obviously get a lot of your time and attention. Then, next thing, you're all going off on vacations together too. Bound to rankle.

Yanbu in my opinion but your son is upset and I would really want to discuss this with him if I were you. My in laws take care of my nephew ( lives with them) in the holidays. They will take care of my two when asked but don't tend to offer. They will take nephew to groups paid for by his parents but cannot find the time to take ours ( we would pay for groups too). It hurts my dh that they favour his brother's child over ours but he lives with them and so they have a different relationship. mil will say that she very rarely takes care of nephew when his mum is home but that is not the case, she will pop his lunch on, entertain him whilst his mum is doing something else and by living in the same house is on hand a lot. We do not have this however, I am very much happy to forego the extra help if it means I don't have to live with them!

I do not think your dd should have to include her brothers child in everything especially if she is the one paying for it. However it would be nice if you included him if you were arranging the trip as a grandparent. My fil and mil have taken nephew out to the beach several times and not asked if our two would like to go , with us included ( appreciate 3 kids to 2 adults can be hard to manage). This does upset my dh sometimes however I think grandparents are absolutely not obliged to help out or be delegated childcare unless they want to. I really hope you get to have a calm, rational talk with your son as it would be a shame for your relationship to be so affected.

I am in two minds about this from your ds side it seems fair to say he could see you seeing 2 gc every day, as they live with you, compared with his lo getting what once/twice a week, ( is there an issue with most times you see his son the other two are about? despite claim you make one on one time is that the majority or the odd occasion).

Then you're baby sitting for dd to go away for full weekend, do you do that for him? not only do you see these other 2 daily, you're going on day trip with them without your dd and no invite to his little one, did you advance flag it we are going x as dd cant go and only got 3 tickets when your lo is older i'll take him, or did he just find out you were going. Now you cant pick his lo up from nursery (so may be why he said not to bother this week)when you are away with dd and her kids, and no I don't take the excuse you are just adult company you are away with her kids for a week, she should be going with her partner is she wants adult company, or you should arrange something for his lo who does seem to be missing out on all the big treats. This is just possibly from his perspective.

Maybe he thought that the fact dd was going away was a week you could maybe look after his son a little more, but no whatever dd does you do too, with her kids, despite you having your own partner.

Then clearly he is being unreasonable as you will holiday with him you say you do it often in your holiday home.. Is it often as you holiday with dd? I don't know maybe look and see how often each child gets time away with you. You try include his son but then as he is younger you just cant include him in everything, my df favours older kids for this reason, but do you do something with your ds' son the older one cant do? nor can you add him to someone else's holiday, and its unreasonable to ask, but I can only guess he perceives inequality and has perhaps lost some perspective.

You don't want a bad situation so you need to talk to him and perhaps his partner , perhaps suggest you come home from your holiday 2 days early and would love to have dgs over for those two days, and he and his wife could have a break. I wouldn't keep saying you treat them all equally its blatantly obvious you don't, but that's not deliberate on your behalf but id acknowledge to your son what with dd living with you, you are obviously going to have more time with the other two but it wont be forever, and bit of advice , when talking to your son do not discuss the older kids

I feel for you ,but perhaps your son has a point?.From where hes standing his sister is living with you ,to save her money while she is studying.Gets the lions share of free childcare. Last W/E all the G/C were taken out .I am not excusing him ,but maybe he has a point ,Sometimes as others have said, these issues may arise from childhood grievances .The problem here is your little GS risks being alienated altogether if DS stops contact .Can you reach out to him do you think?.Would he agree to a coffee/Drink out/Walk whatever ,away from your homes .Neutral ground and just listen to what he has to say?he may feel sidelined ,and that has grown into feeling hurt/disappointed that his DS and her childern are so involved with your life.Does he get on well with his SF?.How long are your DD and her family planning on staying with you ?.Its not ideal long term really .Can you say well they will be moving on ,and give a rough time for that do you think?.I think you are a kind lady ,but maybe need to set some boundaries?!

Hi OP, how old is your DS's son? Would his wife really have been happy to be parted from her son for a week for him to come on holiday with you and your DD?

Where is your DIL in all this squabbling with your DS. Does she have a mother who looks after the DC?

Actually since your DD invited you to join her UK holiday it's really up to DD whether to invite her brother and his family along, or not.

I think your DS needs to grow up.

My boys only have one grandparent (my MIL). She lives about three hours away and has seen our boys four or five times since they were born (they are 3 soon). She has a much closer relationship with our niece because she lives near her, SIL is a single mum, etc.

Now I do get annoyed that MIL shows very little interest, rarely visits, has never offered to help us out by babysitting even when she is here, etc. But I would never complain that she does more for our niece because it’s obviously a lot more practical when they live nearby.

If it were you planning the holiday, days out etc that would be different.

Out of interest, how often does he plan a day out and take you and all the kids? I bet never.

Good luck I hope the chat goes well and you can straighten out the issues so everyone is happy.

If your ds wants to even things up then he is the one who needs to change. The issue is not that you are choosing to spend more time with your daughter's children, it's that he is choosing not to invite you on all his family outings and holidays.
Tell him you would be delighted to join them on every occasion (perhaps he should also invite is sister's children), and see what he says.