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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD's friend a lift?

337 replies

PotteryLottery · 02/07/2019 21:25

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

OP posts:
Vulpine · 02/07/2019 21:27

I'd explain to her mum the conundrum. I wouldn't want to give a lift to someone like that. That's not how you treat friends.

Waveysnail · 02/07/2019 21:27

I'd message the mum and say the girls seem to have fallen out so perhaps taking her isn't the best plan. See what she says

Notgotajarofglue · 02/07/2019 21:27

No, i wouldn't take her

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 02/07/2019 21:28

Tell the mother what her DD has said. Say that you are only mentioning it because her DD might not want to go with you anyway and frankly you feel your DD may be uncomfortable in any case. Leave her to talk some sense in to her DD.

PETRONELLAS · 02/07/2019 21:28

I’d send a message to say ‘bit awkward but it seems my DD has upset yours so yours is asking for some ‘space’. Would you rather I didn’t take her to the activity or shall we stick to plan A?’

Awful but you have to keep it civilised as the friendship may continue. Tell your DD to think about what she would like to happen and what she thinks if the friend does it again.

Alienspaceship · 02/07/2019 21:28

Yes, explain to her mum the situation and agree a solution together.

IhateBoswell · 02/07/2019 21:28

I'd tell her mother too.

FairyDust92 · 02/07/2019 21:28

No I wouldn't take her either

BarrenFieldofFucks · 02/07/2019 21:30

Poor love.

I'd message and say that by the sounds of things the girls aren't getting on as they normally do so it's probably best you don't take her. When she replies, asks what's going on etc then tell her.

HypatiaCade · 02/07/2019 21:30

Could you give the lift, but let your DD sit in the front passenger seat rather than the rear?

askingalways · 02/07/2019 21:31

Just take her and make her sit in the back while your DD sits in the front with you.

Don't burn your bridges with the mum and don't burn DDs bridges by dobbing her in to her mum. Worst case if they don't become friends again (we can understand why your DD wouldn't want to be friends with the mean girl) they still need to be civil to each other when their paths cross.

Your DD can just rise above it with your support.

crisscrosscranky · 02/07/2019 21:31

They are 10, they'll be best friends again by then. I'd give lift as planned (you say her mum is lovely- see it as doing her a favour) and keep out.

campion · 02/07/2019 21:37

You agreed to take her. You're an adult, they are children.
You might want to mention the friendship problem to her mother but you should keep to your arrangement. Children fall in and out of friends- they're still learning the rules,including tact!

sneakypinky · 02/07/2019 21:40

I'd speak to the mum and see what she thinks. What does your DD say?

thedevilcamefromthehimber · 02/07/2019 21:42

They could be friends again even before you need to give the girl a lift. Young friendships can be so fickle. You agreed to the lift so I would take her still.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 02/07/2019 21:44

I wouldn’t.

I want to teach dd that if someone is not treating you well you don’t have to do anything above being civil/decent human being.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 02/07/2019 21:45

Also I would make an excuse to the other mum rather than saying it’s because of the two of them falling out.

Juells · 02/07/2019 21:50

That drive would be a nightmare, with the friend being stand-offish and perhaps your poor daughter making efforts to be friendly and being snubbed. I wouldn't put my child through that for anything.

TBH I think that's a weird precocious thing for a 10-year-old to do, I'd cancel the lift and encourage your daughter to find other friends.

I wouldn't do that to a friend as an adult never mind as a child. It's very entitled, taking it for granted someone will be hanging around to see if she'll be back in favour when you've had your little power trip.

shiningstar2 · 02/07/2019 21:52

I would be inclined to message saying ...as {name of child} wants space from my dd it would be silly to pick her up for activity this week. Will see what next week brings and we can get in touch with each other about it later.

I would not feel like being a free taxi for a child who is keeping my own child hanging on waiting to see if she is going to be her friend. Kids fall in and out but I would have to consider my own child's feeling and self esteem rather than whether this change of plan would inconvenience the other mother.

plasterboots · 02/07/2019 21:52

I'd tell the other mum, likely she'll be furious and teach her daughter it's not the way to behave.

Loyaultemelie · 02/07/2019 21:53

How does your dd feel?
I was your dd in this equation a lot of few years ago and my friend would occasionally back off and ask for space from the age of eleven right up to university and beyond. I always gave her it, with the understanding that if she ever needed me, night or day I was there. It hurt the first time but she had her own issues going on which impacted on her mh and because I gave her the space she needed the first time she was able to trust me and we came through some awful times together over the years. She always "came back" and we were very close. Now a few 27 years on and despite living in different countries we are still close.
If dd still wants you to take her extend the offer but make it clear there's no pressure (and mean it).

Loyaultemelie · 02/07/2019 21:56

Reading that I sound like a doormat and friend sounds awful but it really wasn't like that, she genuinely needed to be able to retreat from the world and I needed her to know someone was still there for her. I also had another very close friend and was close to this friends family and she to mine

Sunshine93 · 02/07/2019 21:58

seems my DD has upset yours
Don't say this!?

Saybypu are sorry but the girls seem to have fallen out and your dd has said she wants space from dd. Dd is quite upset and understandably i don't think it's right for me to take them both together. So sorry

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 02/07/2019 21:59

Interesting how there seems to be a fairly equal split.
I really don't know what I'd do in that situation. My natural inclination would be to take her as I'd already offered and I don't like letting people down, but it feels like I'd be letting my own dd down if i made her endure a car journey with the 'friend'.

I think I'd be tempted to talk to my dd and see how she feels about it and be guided by her. If she feels that the journey wouldn't be awkward and is not really bothered by the 'friend's' behaviour then go ahead with the lift. But if my dd is really upset by it all, then I'd have to tell the other mum to make alternate arrangements.

Loveislandaddict · 02/07/2019 22:00

Depends on the situation. If friend was unable to go without you taking her, then I would take friend, and explain the situation to your daughter. Be the bigger person.

However, if you feel friends mum can take friend, then I would speak to mum, citing the argument as mentioned in posts above.