To not give DD's friend a lift?

[PotteryLottery]

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

Well done ok teaching your daughter to be a doormat. Christ woman have your daughters back!
Her ‘friend’ is a manipulative bully and you’re giving her carte Blanche to carry on treating your DD like shit, tell not lovely mum to get her brat there herself.

My go to with ten year old girls friendship issues is to remain an adult and stay firmly out of it. The whole point of staying out of it is to allow the children the independence to manage the problem, and find solutions. 'needing space' simply tells me she has been watching too much American TV. Your dd should not be taking this too personally.

You have made the arrangement with the parent, not the child, and as such should keep it at that level. If you cancel, then you escalate the drama, and there will be less chance of the girls reconciling once the parents are involved to this degree.

Talk to your dd, and explain that flaky friends are not worth stressing over, and identify other friends would she like to spend more time with. Make a plan with her to expand her friendship circle, whether the girls decide to make up or not. Your dd should not be captive to one girl's whims.

Tell dd you have agreed to take flaky friend, that flaky is still young at ten years old, and she is learning how to manage friendships as well.

Put your dd in the front, put the radio on, and let the other girl make the effort talking to dd, and being kind. If flaky sits in silence then let it be. Chat to your dd. Bright and breezy.

The focus should be on expansion of friends from now on, and your dd reclaiming her power to decide if SHE indeed wants this kind of friend going forward.

You cancelling the lifts, will torpedo the good will between parents and make a small falling out into something much bigger.

MN is full of women asking the heartbreaking questions.

He treats me like crap.
He speaks to me like crap.
I have no access to my money.
He treats my/our children like crap.

Exactly what age are we supposed to start teaching our children that they should expect kindness and not accept anything but kindness, from the men and women in their lives.

I can tell you my daughter who is a kind and gentle soul wouldn't put up with a friend of hers saying she'd come back in a week and tell her whether they would continue to be friends.

We teach people how they can treat us.

That child has the right to ask for space.
Give her exactly that.

No pre arrangement with her mother would come before "a teaching moment" for my child.

Friend is not kind saying she'll decide in a week.

Teach your child an example of self empowerment and taking control of her feelings.

Teach her how to look the other child in the eye and say "well actually I'm also going to take bigger space from you" and walk away.

When my daughter was 5, and just started school, there was a child who insisted on bossying the other 5 children at her table every day relentlessly.

With a couple of day's practice, we practiced, "don't you boss me or I'm telling the teacher and my mum", most importantly whilst looking the child straight in the eye.

The other child took a long, long moment and looked at my daughter and said "ok, I won't boss YOU anymore". And she hasn't either, because my DD found it much easier to put her in her place going forward.

Teaching a child to look another person in the eye with the variation of NO is so important.

The same little madam has caused a fair amount of grief in that class over the years.

It most certainly is not about sticking your nose into your children's friendships, it's about teaching them to manage their relationships, and establishing the boundaries that will guide them into happy, loving relationships throughout their lives.

Tell her you the only reason you are giving her a lift is because you are doing the mum a favour, else she wouldn't be allowed to travel in the car with you.

Or don't, because she's a child and you're an adult so you don't need to be nasty.

billy I totally get what you are saying, but they are ten. Ten. Learning about friendships, making lots of mistakes, saying the wrong thing. Surely we need to give our children the space and time (no pun intended) to work out how to do things properly.

At fifteen I would be taking a much firmer stance, but at ten I think it is highly likely this is just a silly falling out, with dd's friend using stupid terms she learnt on the TV.
Needing space is a very adult thing to say, and maybe there are problems at home? She has picked that up from somewhere, and probably doesn't fully understand the impact. I say cut ten years old some slack, and raise children to think beyond the obvious.

If you say "no im not going to take her this week for this situation to calm down a but" or whatever words you choose, i guarentee you the child will approach your dd the fay before and say "lets be friends" just in time for the life to go ahead OR if the child is as rude as she comes accross, she will say "my mum says we have to be friends so i can still come in your car to X".
I would be saying "yours dd has set the rules so im going to respect them, see you next week if they have made up by then!" And stand ground

What 10YO tells another they need space for a week. Sounds like a bastard ex I had who said that when I was clinically depressed then phoned me the next day....

I wrote a long reply and then read what oceanrescue said. I agree with everything she's written.
Carry on with the lift. In private chat about how she wants to manage it.

But then I've given lifts to children my children aren't that keen on in order to help out other parents. Not because I don't care about their feelings but I want to teach a bit of resilience that sometimes you just need to get on with people. Doesn't make you a doormat but you can be civil to others even if you're privately not that keen on them.

Yeah, the mum may well be nice but she also is trying to make sure you still do her a favour. I'd probably give the lift in your situation but also warn my DD that her friend might be being two-faced and will probably drop her again afterwards. I'd also point out that friends who are worth having don't pull this kind of shit.

Two things.

1. Giving the lift is a favour to the girl’s mum, not to the girl. It may put her in an incredibly difficult position if you say no now. Give the lift- but put the other girl in the back. Talk to your dd about honouring commitments.

2). Children are allowed to back away from friendships they aren’t happy with any more. It could be that the other girl is a manipulative little horror. It could also be that yours is a bit full on or something like that and a bit of space might be good for both of them.

I agree with Bertrand

None of us know the situation so demonizing the other girl is somewhat OTT.

Surely at 10 years old the girls way old enough to no that by saying she want’s some space that the lift won’t go ahead as planned.

I would text the mum and say apparently your daughter wants some space for a week from my daughter so I will unfortunately not be able to give her a lift see you at the activity though.

“Surely at 10 years old the girls way old enough to no that by saying she want’s some space that the lift won’t go ahead as planned.”

The lift is a favour to the other mother.

Thank you all for the responses so far. Great advice on here. I'll let you know what happens ...

Have you asked your DD why her friend needs space? Many of you are quick to call the friend, when you don't know why she's done it. Seems grown up to me.

At our school, the way the girl has handled the ‘wanting space’ thing, and the ‘you can just hang while I decide if you’re likeable enough’ would count as very undesirable excluding behaviour.

I’d send the mum a text ‘dobbing her in’ as pps are calling it. The other girl needs to learn that there are better ways to deal with friendship blips than this. Her mother should be grateful to hear about it (said gently) so she’s got a chance to guide her DD. If she doesn’t respond positively, I’d assume the lift was no longer on the cards. No malice, but no lift either.

My dd has a little friend who persists in attention-seeking behaviours from their friends group (aged 9). I was glad to get the chance to alert her mum to this ongoing nonsense when the kid told everyone her dad was diagnosed with a life-limiting cancer. Sobs and all, enormous sympathy from all the little friends (making her presents, etc). I sent a ‘can we help at all?’ text to Mum (knowing it was likely a fabrication). Mum was horrified, and had serious words with the girl. Dad was perfectly fine. Point being, bad behaviour needs to be communicated (gently) to the parents. Even if it takes a bit of strategy to do it.

I’d want to know, wouldn’t you?

OP can you tell us why the other girl wants space?

Well tbh I'd be tempted to encourage my daughter to give her "friend" space-permanently!

It's not just a falling out is it, it's deliberate game playing.

“It's not just a falling out is it, it's deliberate game playing.”

Possibly. Or possibly not.

I was your DD many years ago and it was the start of a long period of bullying - don't give the girl a lift, help your daughter gain other friends and enough self confidence to say sorry not waiting around for you I am busy with other friends/interests. If you allow her to think this type of behaviour is OK you are setting her up for possible similar issues in relationships in later life.

I think you are being far too convenient for both Mother and Daughter. The Daughter has clearly called time out, most likely without thinking of future consequences.

Your decision to continue to take the daughter puts you at odds with your own. You are being used for ''convenience'' and I wouldn't mind betting after this, your Daughter will still be continued to be dropped.

I had ''talks'' with mothers when things went sideways, what they wanted wasn't normally what the Daughter wanted and in the end, it was clearly up to the Daughter regardless.

Be firm, and stand alongside your Daughter with support.

I told lovely mum and she thinks it would be a good idea for the girls to travel together, to help make up.
She would like them to continue their long-standing friendship, as would I, but obvs not if her DD is treating my DD in this manner.

The mum is not sounding so lovely here. She's sounding manipulative. Did she apologise for her dd's behaviour or say she'd talk to her?

Sounds like she just wants her dd to have a lift, no matter what.

You are more forgiving than I'd be. I'd cancel the lift and be showing dd that she's in charge and she doesn't have to put up with any shit from friends.

Or it could be a simple falling out among ten year olds, it does not necessarily need to be a startling gun for years of bullying. A lift is hardly going to change that either way ewen

Or the OP’S dd could be in the wrong.

The lift is nothing to do with the girls- it is an arrangement between adults.

I'd would say to the mother that apparently dd's friend has fallen out with her and they are on a break so you doubt she will want a lift from you. Then leave it to her to sort it out.