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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD's friend a lift?

337 replies

PotteryLottery · 02/07/2019 21:25

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

OP posts:
fedup21 · 02/07/2019 22:02

Do you think the mum knows her child has asked for a week of space?

Cornishmum00 · 02/07/2019 22:03

How far away is the activity? If its a fairly quick journey i would just take her as planned, let your dd sit in front play music/game on phone if she wants to limit the need to chat. If they make up you may not want it to be awkward with the other mum

Atalune · 02/07/2019 22:03

No where I. The op does it saw who has upset who or what has happened....

So on that basis I would just be quite open about it and very very neutral and have a chat bout it,

llangennith · 02/07/2019 22:05

Just tell the mum you're happy to do it but tell her what her DD has said.

Piratefairy78 · 02/07/2019 22:06

TBH with my DD it would depend on which friend it is!! One is very manipulative and tries to make every situation about her so I wouldn’t do it now but if it was one of her other friends I probably would. What is the friend like normally?

BrendasUmbrella · 02/07/2019 22:06

I’d send a message to say ‘bit awkward but it seems my DD has upset yours so yours is asking for some ‘space’.

We don't know she has upset her? It might just be playground politics.

PuppyMonkey · 02/07/2019 22:09

She’ll decide “in a week.” GrinHmm

What a piece of work.Shock

Just text the mum: “Is Greta Garbo Features still coming with us on Saturday?” Grin

Original poster
PotteryLottery · 02/07/2019 22:12

I told lovely mum and she thinks it would be a good idea for the girls to travel together, to help make up.

She would like them to continue their long-standing friendship, as would I, but obvs not if her DD is treating my DD in this manner.

I hope lovely mum will knock some sense into her DD which improves her behaviour ttomorrow. Lovely mum has done this successfully a few years ago.

Currently my DD doesn't want to be in the same car as the friend but she does want them to be friends again (she wants to know what her friend's decision will be at the end of the week, so I've explained that it's not fair that her friend is calling the shots in this way.)

Lovely mum doesn't drive at the moment which is why she asked me to assist.

OP posts:
pallisers · 02/07/2019 22:16

Just tell the mum you're happy to do it but tell her what her DD has said.

That's what I would do. I have to say my own 10 year old said something similar to me years ago. The background was the playground politics had become unbearably dramatic and flouncy (4th grade was like this for all of my children) and she was sick of her best friend dragging her into it (this was confirmed by teacher at parent/teacher conference). DD is low drama and her friend at the time was high drama. She was telling me about it and said "I think I'll tell Mary we need to take a bit of a break from each other for a bit". I instinctively said "you can't say that" and she said "yes I can. it is true". The friendship survived.

It is possible the friend is being dramatic and manipulative. Or she is dealing with something as best she can. or something in between. Either way the mum should know what is happening.

Lllot5 · 02/07/2019 22:17

I wouldn’t take her. Why is up to her to decide whether to be friends or not. Not the first time she’s done either by sounds of it. Not your problem that she doesn’t drive.

pallisers · 02/07/2019 22:18

sorry cross posted there. I think it is great the mum knows. I also think your dd should know that she can decide about the friendship too - and she certainly shouldn't feel she needs permission from her friend or should be grateful if she relents and is nice to her again.

I wonder does this friend watch a lot of teen angst dramas on tv?

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 02/07/2019 22:18

I don't want to be too cynical, but Non Driving Mum wants the girls to be friends....ooookayyyyyy

I really think you should be guided by your dd here, if she doesn't want to be in the car while "I need space friend" is working on her ishoooos then cut her free

Unless friend comes forwards and makes a fulsome apology to your dd I certainly would not be given out favours to mother or daughter

GabsAlot · 02/07/2019 22:31

Handy for her if your dds are still friends though isnt it

I had to do this as a child bloody awkward that was

LittleGwyneth · 02/07/2019 22:36

Do we know why the friend has asked for space? I'm sure your DD is lovely, but we can all get things wrong sometimes, so it's not impossible that she might have upset the friend?

I'd still take her, unless DD seems really distressed by the idea. But they'll have to be at the activity together, so that might end up being stressful too. At least if they travel together your DD won't have to worry about avoiding her when she gets there.

BookwormMe2 · 02/07/2019 22:36

I wouldn't give the lift. My DD10 had a friend pull a similar stunt - cancelled mine going to play at her house at the 11th hour because she was bored of their games and wanted to invite someone else instead. That girl has never been invited to a play date at our house since. I'm all for letting kids sort out their own friendships, but sometimes as a parent you have to take a stand.

HollowTalk · 02/07/2019 22:36

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

Wow, she is very manipulative, isn't she? No lift.

Missingstreetlife · 02/07/2019 22:38

This girl is bullying your daughter, why are you encouraging her to put up with it

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 02/07/2019 22:41

Sorry but I would not take her

Don't let your DD see that ppl can treat her like that and still get a lift/suffer no repercussions

The mum is absolutely a CF

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 02/07/2019 22:44

I think the fact that the other mum doesn't drive is highly relevant!

I think the way you handle this could really help your daughter's relationships long term, both friendships and romantic relationships. Yes her friends can ask for and get space, but your daughter can in the meantime retreat from the friendship herself and look for other friendships that are more stable and don't have this drama.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 02/07/2019 22:46

To be clear, I'd cancel the lift (as I suspect you would if your daughter did this to another friend) and encourage her to spend time with other people, so she's less impacted by this friend's absence.

Gitfeatures · 02/07/2019 22:47

No lift. Dd should not be put in such an awkward position.

If domineering 10 year old mean-girl--in-training insists on needing 'space' then that rules out being chauffeured around by you when it suits her purpose.

SoftSheen · 02/07/2019 22:48

Just take her as agreed. Don't get involved, or involve the other mother, in an argument between two ten year olds.

If the girl is stand off-ish, just make pleasant conversation with your DD. The chances are that things will have blown over by then in any case.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 02/07/2019 22:49

I actually think it's for the best that the friend gets some consequences for her actions - she shouldn't just drop and pickup your daughter as she feels like it with no consequences. It's in her interest too that you make a stand.

pinksquash13 · 02/07/2019 22:49

They are 10, immature and definitely still learning friendships. I would continue with lift and just play the situation down. Often this situations are made worse by parents who can't let things go. Give it a week and they will be friends again (or there will be a new drama). Please remember that your child is not perfect and has said some unkind/ lacking in tact things to friends. It's just life.

christinarossetti19 · 02/07/2019 22:50

Aged 10 seems to be a key age for negotiating friendships and alliances.

I agree with pallisters that it depends how and why the other girl has asked for 'space'. If it's because she genuinely wants it fair enough. If it's so that she can wield some power over your dd and diss her to other children, then not so okay really.

I think you're right to tell the other girl's mum and right to give her a lift. Ask your dd how she wants to play it eg does she want headphones on with music then be matter-of-fact about it.

Both girls have a say in how the relationship works and develops - that's the message to get over to your dd.