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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD's friend a lift?

337 replies

PotteryLottery · 02/07/2019 21:25

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

OP posts:
oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 08:22

expat good point. I think that would depend on how many favours op is doing versus the other mother. It could be convenient for both parents or only one.
Are your favours fairly equal op? Or are you doing too much for them? If you are playing a junior role that may change the advice you are being given on here .

Flashinggreen · 03/07/2019 08:25

I had to go to a ballet class with a ‘friend’ after school after she was a bitch to me. We had to wait in her mum’s class room as she was a teacher at our school then go after. My mum wanted to say something but never did and about 30 years later still thinks she did the wrong thing by saying nothing. I just gritted my teeth but it has had a profound effect on me. This went on for months... she’s pushed me out of a friendship group and blank me all the time other than this lift situation.

Ghanagirl · 03/07/2019 08:29

@PETRONELLAS
That’s terrible advice, how do you know OP’s DD has upset her friend?
My DD has a “friend” like this and I’m constantly encouraging her to make other friends.

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 08:33

“to a one-off activity”
“his one-off journey”

Let’s not make the other mother into a non lift reciprocating, selfish manipulative monster too, hey?

ewenice · 03/07/2019 08:34

It's not just a case of them having a falling out; the other girl has stated she will let OP's DD know in a week if she still wants to be friends. That is manipulative and unkind. There is no harm in OP saying sorry can't take the girl and then see what happens in the future with the friendship. Not OP's problem the woman can't drive. As parents our responsibility and concern lie towards our own children first and foremost.
I am aware my view is coloured by my own childhood, but OP can not take the girl and still remain cordial with the other mother.

Groovee · 03/07/2019 08:36

If you have to take her, sit them apart and preferably where you can see them.

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 08:41

Actually I think It would be a really good lesson if the OP honoured her commitment to the other mother.
“You two may have fallen out, but I promised Mary I’d take her. You can sit in the front with your earphones in, but I made a promise to Mary and I need to keep it”

eggsandwich · 03/07/2019 08:42

BertrandRussell
We all understand thats its an arrangement between the parents, but one of their children has said to the other they want some space and as such space is being given to them and by letting their parent know why the lift is no longer available the parent can i.e talk to their child about why they feel they need space and that they may also not be able to attend the activity due to transport issues.

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 08:45

So we have decided that the other girl is completely, no questions asked, 100% in the wrong.

And it may not be just that she can’t go to the activity. It may be that the mother can’t do something else- she may have an appointment, it may be that she’s taking another child to something.
Refusing to do the lift is just wrong.

SushiForAmateurs · 03/07/2019 08:51

I'd be guided by my own DD, but very much inclined to stick with the lift, putting DD in the front and 'friend' in the back.

It will be hugely awkward with neither of them speaking to each other.

'Friend' will know you know she knows you know.

As an aside, the description of 'friend's' mum as 'lovely mum' comes across as very sycophantic. I'm sure she is lovely, but she's not beyond making sure she gets good use out of you.

sacope · 03/07/2019 08:56

Totally with @BertrandRussell on this.

NerdyBird · 03/07/2019 09:02

If lovely mum really was lovely she'd have at least offered to make alternative arrangements. It's a one-off activity, and the way the original post was worded gives the impression that if the mum could drive she'd take her. So she can just take her in a taxi and pay for it rather than rely on OP being a free service.

I'd put my DD's feelings first. Channel Beverley Goldberg!

IrmaFayLear · 03/07/2019 09:05

I'm with BertrandRussell here (and I'm not always! Wink so this ain't a sycophantic opinion ) .

I have a teenage dd who over the years has had friendships that have ebbed and flowed. Taking up cudgels on behalf of one's dc - unless there is real bullying - is never a good idea as they inevitably announce that they are bf with that person three minutes/three weeks/three years later. Some parents I like very much, some not so much, but we all keep a "kids friendship" distance.

It's only a lift and is honouring the commitment. If it is a bad falling out, then do talk to the other mum and say it might be a bit awkward. But refusing to give the lift will certainly cause more difficulties for the friendship.

That being said, do tell your dd "dignity, always dignity" (Singing in the Rain) and let the friend make the first move, don't run after her or try to please her in any way.

RockinHippy · 03/07/2019 09:07

Billy has is spot in, 10 or not. I wouldn't be giving a lift & would explain why in terms of consequences for unacceptable bullying behaviour.

I've been in this. Situation with a similar sounding manipulative friend of DDs at this age. I allow d DD to make the decision, in this case an invite to a smaller gathering for birthday activity at a local venue. Not cheap & id have happily dumped the friend from the guest list as she was being awful to DD at the time & it got much worse afterwards. DM was another CF who would have still expected a lift too

DD said wasn't going to be the friend who barred anyone from her party as she thought that cruel, so she took the higher & still let her toxic friend come along.

In our case the friendship issues went from bad to worse leading us to have to pull DD out of school due to poorly managed bullying, which only now years later do we realise just how at the centre of it & pulling the strings of all other kids against DD this girl was. Still getting her invite to DDs birthday after telling DD she wasn't allowed to play with this friendship group anymore until toxic friend said so, only taught toxic friend that she could get away with it, so she got worse. DDs biggest regret now as a school leaver is that she ever tried to make allowances for her ex friends toxic behaviour & she was way too soft

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 09:07

In my experience children prefer to have adults around them, it makes them feel safe and secure. Confident that grown ups will stay grown ups.

The second you sink to a ten year old mindset (by refusing lifts, tit for tat) then you are no longer the competent grown up needed to soothe ruffled feathers and provide wisdom.

It’s almost irrelevant who is ‘at fault’ this time, because they will all make mistakes at some point. That is part and parcel of growing up,

We should remain a calm example of honouring agreements, not making a drama into a crisis and quietly showing our children how to make choices about the direction of a friendship, if its failing long term or another child is consistently being unkind.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 09:10

Instead of the OP teaching her daughter to be a doormat why doesn't the 'nice' mother teach her daughter not to bite the hand that feeds you.

sacope · 03/07/2019 09:15

Instead of the OP teaching her daughter to be a doormat

How does the mother sticking by her commitment to another adult make the daughter a doormat?

oceanrescue · 03/07/2019 09:17

I am sorry your dd had such an awful experience, I can understand how upsetting this must have been for you. However, it is the school that let your dd down not the children or the other girl.

They should have stamped the bullying immediately, they should have had rigorous bullying policies in place to prevent the bully hurting your dd.
The party was almost certainly irrelevant, the bully would no doubt have made your dd life a living hell had she not attended the party, and you would have blamed not including her as the reason for this.
Do you see it is a lose lose with a bully.

I would reframe the situation with your dd. At the moment she believes kindness leads to trouble, being the bigger person ends in failure. She needs to be proud of herself, her kind and open nature and know that she did not fail, or make the wrong decision - the school badly let her down.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 09:27

@sacope because the OP didn't sign anything in blood. Agreements can be cancelled when one party behaves poorly.

I wouldn't still give someone a lift if they had told me they didn't want to see me for a while. And I wouldn't except my child to tolerate that either.

It's a good life lesson for both kids.

OPs DD doesn't have to tolerate people treating her badly.

Friends DD can't treat people badly and expect to still use them.

Confusedteacher · 03/07/2019 09:27

Of course you should take her! I have an 11yo DD and her friendship group is always in flux- different people falling in/out with each other. I try not to get over involved, give my DD advice on how to handle it but also accept that she probably has a part to play in it. It all blows over eventually.

I have various lift share arrangements with other parents and can’t think of a situation where I would fail to honor the commitment to give someone a lift and helping another parent out based on the whims of a 10 year old!

IrmaFayLear · 03/07/2019 09:40

I'm sure the same people on here advocating conciliatory behaviour in politics and the need to talk to the other side are the ones who are all for escalating the situation, talking about bullying and standing up for oneself.

There is a difference between being a doormat and just maintaining a bit of a distance but still being cordial. The girls do not need to be best friends but they can remain on speaking terms, rather than going for full-on war with the mothers joining in. It is well known that the Year 5-ish period is hell for all concerned - particularly teachers! regarding friends.

Furthermore, haven't we all had a friend/boyfriend whatever who has been a bit full-on ? Now, I am the queen of passive aggression and have tried to withdraw quietly from such situations rather than say, "Look, Mary, I don't want to meet every day for coffee, I need a bit of space." But at ten years old perhaps the "friend" is clumsily saying that she wants to branch out a bit and not have a sole bosom buddy.

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 09:43

Seriously- how are people so very sure the other girl is completely in the wrong here? Obviously she might be a manipulative bully. She might also be a 10 year old who is feeling overwhelmed by a clingy friend and not know how to detach herself- and because she has heard about “needing space” has used the expression to try to step back a bit.

Either way, the OP’s comitrmebt to the other mother should stand.

sacope · 03/07/2019 09:46

@Contraceptionismyfriend

It doesn't matter how the arrangement was made, the adults continuing the arrangement does not make the child a doormat.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 09:49

It would to me. Her DD has asked for space so I would honour that.

It is then down to 'nice mum' to pull her daughter up and explain that if she wants to go on this activity she has to stop the attitude and learn to play nice. Or she can stay home.

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 09:53

“It is then down to 'nice mum' to pull her daughter up and explain that if she wants to go on this activity she has to stop the attitude and learn to play nice. Or she can stay home.”

  1. How do you know she isn’t “playing nice”?
  2. What if not getting the lift completely screws things for the other mum- appointment, other children, whatever?
  3. What about the OP’s comitment?