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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD's friend a lift?

337 replies

PotteryLottery · 02/07/2019 21:25

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 02/07/2019 22:50

Best friend needs to learn the consequences of treating friends like shite.

No point in the mum having a word and basically saying make up so you can get a lift/go to event.

SoftSheen · 02/07/2019 22:51

I agree pinksquash13. Sometimes parents involve themselves too easily in their children's friendships.

AtSea1979 · 02/07/2019 22:52

What pinksquash said

TheRealShatParp · 02/07/2019 22:54

No way would I take her friend. It’s one thing saying she wants space, but to say that she will see in a week if she wants to be her friend is nasty and will really knock your daughters confidence. Maybe it’s time for your daughter to decide if she wants to be her friend.

yelloweyedtiger · 02/07/2019 22:56

How would YOU like it if it was one of your friends that was treating YOU like shit and then wanting a lift?!

Butterfly84 · 02/07/2019 22:58

Nope, don't give her a lift. If you do, it's basically telling your DD that it doesn't matter how someone treats her.

Your DD's friend (ex friend?) is most likely not being malicious. 10 is a key age in negotiating friendships from childhood to teenagehood. But still, I would not give the lift.

SandyY2K · 02/07/2019 22:59

Mmmm
You see, I'd have said your DD wants space from mine and has says she'll decide if she wants to be her friend in a week's time...DD has been quite upset about it and as such I don't think it's in my DDs best interests to have yours in my car.

I hope you'll understand my decision on this and make alternative arrangements.

Best regards

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 02/07/2019 22:59

I was the child that wanted 'space' from another child but my non-driving parent required lifts so insisted on the friendship. I didn't want to decide whether to be friends in a week or two. I didn't want the friendship at all as it was too full on.

I think sometimes parents need to respect their children's decisions and not do what's convenient for the sake of lifts etc. She wants space so let her have the consequences of that space.

If your daughter doesn't want to have her in the car then don't force it.

supersop60 · 02/07/2019 23:02

OP - did you tell lovely mum exactly what her dd said?
How mean to make your dd wait a week to find out if the friendship continues.
I'm in the 'no lift' camp here.

SandyY2K · 02/07/2019 23:06

If I'm going to have a child in my car, they better be nice to my DC...or I will not be giving lifts

Not so much a friend of DDs...but it was a neighbour also in her class who was a PITA...very irritating in the mornings to DD and me.

In the end I told her mum...I don't think she wanted to be in my car. I was just trying to save the mum walking to school with her toddler in a pushchair as I was going to the school anyway...but it got too much.

Ginger1982 · 02/07/2019 23:08

Nah sorry, if one of my child's so called friends had said that and then expected a lift and my child didn't want to be in the car with them then I would support my child.

And as for the friend having a week to decide? Fuck that. I'd be telling 'lovely Mum' to have a word with her kid and sort out what was going on.

Whilst it may seem small potatoes to us adults, this is probably the biggest 'issue' in your child's life right now.

SandyY2K · 02/07/2019 23:15

I can just imagine after you drop them both off, the child walks away from your DD ignoring her at the event...like you're the chauffeur and nothing more.

Proseccoinamug · 02/07/2019 23:16

Sorry OP but you need to have your daughter’s back here. You need to tell the mum that your dad doesn’t want to share a car with her dd if they are not friends and she doesn’t know where she stands. And that you are not prepared to force her.

Why are you putting your own dd’s feelings last?

billy1966 · 02/07/2019 23:18

Have you asked your DD does she want her in the car or not?

If she doesn't, that would be it.

The child wants space. Give her loads of it.

The wait a week is not nice. I would be very definitely moving my DD along to other friends.

katewhinesalot · 02/07/2019 23:22

Tell her you the only reason you are giving her a lift is because you are doing the mum a favour, else she wouldn't be allowed to travel in the car with you. Put dd in the front seat.

Greensleeves · 02/07/2019 23:22

Of course "lovely mum" thinks the girls should travel together, she's fucked for transport if they don't!

I agree about not micro-managing children's friendships. But when there has been really nasty manipulative behaviour it is sometimes necessary to show your child that you are in her corner. Your dd has said she doesn't want to be in the car with this girl, so she shouldn't have to. PITA for "lovely mum", but she needs to have a talk with her little madam girl about how to treat her friends.

Lalliella · 02/07/2019 23:25

She wants space. Give it to her. Deciding if she’ll be your DD’s friend in a week’s time? Get lost. That’s just nasty. Have a listen to “A little time” by Beautiful South. I think your DD is better off without this toxic friendship.

I’d tell the girl’s mum exactly what’s going on and that it’s not appropriate to give her DD a lift in those circumstances.

Jellybeansincognito · 02/07/2019 23:32

Your dd wants to remain friends with her after that?

Gosh, she doesn’t need to be friends with someone who treats her like that. Stop pushing their friendship! Of course you wouldn’t give her a lift, or do it just because her mum said so. ‘lovely mum’ sounds just as manipulating as her daughter.

Awful.

Jellybeansincognito · 02/07/2019 23:35

I would be explaining to my DD that when someone plays cards in a relationship like this it’s time to draw those cards for them. Oh I’m not good enough to be your friend now? Ok then we’re not friends. None of this nastiness of ‘I need space’ how nasty, anyone that says that to another thinks of themselves as above them.

Obviously this needs to be worded in a way relatable to a 10 year old, but how awful.

AJ1425 · 02/07/2019 23:36

Lovely mum is not lovely mum. Lovely mum still wants dd to be ferried to said activity by you and doesn't give a shit about manipulative daughter's attitude and is probably where she got it from.

I would tell mum that since her daughter is the one that requested space and your daughter is uncomfortable about the lift then it really isn't appropriate you take her. Cant have it both ways either she needs space or she doesn't. If I was the mum I'd be mortified and say of course no lift and then having a tall with my own child. The fact she still wants the lift says a lot. You need to teach your daughter resilience and that she isn't subject to the whims of this girl deciding whether they are friends or not.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 02/07/2019 23:43

This is why I don't agree with most posts on this thread:

Almost everyone is focussing on the lift.

A lift to a SHARED activity. Which these girls will be doing TOGETHER. Even if not actually together, in the car on the way back, they'll be able to have a conversation about the activity.

I'm a big one for parents NOT getting involved/sucked into their children's friendships and their ups and downs. Of course you have to support your child. There's no question of that.
Buuuutttt, the chances are that if you throw the kids together, they'll re-bond over the activity. Drama over.

So, you take the girls to activity. You sit one in the front, one in the back (chances are they'll sit together anyway). You put music on LOUD on the way there, and they'll probably sing along.
I bet you don't need the music on the way home again.

Ambydex · 02/07/2019 23:46

Don't get drawn into the drama. A 10 year old's power game should take up none of your life or your headspace. You're doing the mum a favour, not the child. Just get on with it this week. If it turns into an ongoing significant worry for your DD, then maybe think again.

sacope · 02/07/2019 23:48

I would take her, but I don't get involved in kids fall outs. The mum asked you to take her. You said yes.

sacope · 02/07/2019 23:48

Sorry missed update Blush

SandyY2K · 02/07/2019 23:52

I say this in adult relationships...but it also applies here .

He who cares least in the relationship holds the most power

Lovely mum's DD is holds the power over your DD and she's letting her...but she's just a child and doesn't quite understand manipulation at this age.

Perhaps you should get her to focus on spending time with other friends and allow the other girl all the space in the world