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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

321 replies

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 11:53

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/07/2019 11:56

Have you asked them why?

jb1305uk · 02/07/2019 11:56

Have a holiday in the UK instead?

pinkyredrose · 02/07/2019 11:57

Please don't feel insulted, they have every right to spend holidays as they choose. Fwiw I wouldn't want to go on holiday with a baby either.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 02/07/2019 11:59

they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3,

So don't go abroad. That's not the same as not going on holiday.

FilthyforFirth · 02/07/2019 12:00

Do they pay for the holiday?

Nautiloid · 02/07/2019 12:00

Would they go in the UK?

ASundayWellSpent · 02/07/2019 12:02

It sounds more like they are saying it should be that way to be "fair" otherwise the baby will having something that the siblings didn't (holidays under the age of three)... still bonkers but thats the logic as I read it from your OP

MonkeyTrap · 02/07/2019 12:03

I can see why you’re offended but I guess it’s their choice. Have you asked them why?

User8888888 · 02/07/2019 12:04

To me there is no difference really between a 2 or 3 year old on holiday so that seems a bit of an arbitrary cutoff. However, having done it once, I personally wouldn’t go away with an under 1 again so I don’t think they’re being totally odd for not wanting to holiday with a baby. It does make for a more restricted holiday with naps eg and just general unpredictability of screaming and grumpiness.

ooooohbetty · 02/07/2019 12:06

It's their decision. Just go on holiday without them until your baby is older then see what happens then. I took my oldest on holiday abroad when they were a baby and it was hard work and not much of a holiday tbh.

IncandescentShadow · 02/07/2019 12:06

How odd and rigid of them. Does SIL only have two children...?

Anyway, I'd look on it as them missing out, not anyone else. They have less years to spend with their grandchildren than you do, and if they want to prioritise luxury holidays, then they are missing out on stuff that money can't buy. Their loss.

TabbyMumz · 02/07/2019 12:07

You make it sound quite dramatic that the older children wont holiday with their grandparents for a few years!!! Surely they will see them throughout that time, enjoy days out tigether etc...

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/07/2019 12:08

I think they are bring weird. Since you are not asking them to do childcare bit is entirely up to you where you choose to take your baby. I'd take a view that it's their loss and would go to the Canaries without them.

Mumof1andacat · 02/07/2019 12:10

Go away without them. Go where you want then. UK or abroad

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2019 12:11

You can still see them other times. It's really not like you'll all be strangers if you don't holiday with them. You sound oddly competitive with your brother and sister in law.

Gth1234 · 02/07/2019 12:14

I think they are right, to be honest. It is cruel to inflict foreign heat (I presume that's what we are talking about) on a new born. Give them some temperate holidays in the UK for a couple of years.

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 12:14

@BertrandRussell DH felt too awkward to ask for more details about why. It is just "their policy" they said.

@FilthyforFirth we pay for us and our kids, they pay for themselves.

@Nautiloid yes, they would go in the UK for a few days, which is what we did this year at Easter. It isn't the same as the 2 weeks they spend with SIL abroad though, and if we had to choose between a few days in England or 2 weeks in the canaries we would be choosing the latter. We can't afford to do both.

@asundaywellspent yeah, that's about the crux of it really.

@pinkyredrose yeah, I know they have every right, but our children will be disappointed and we don't really have an answer for why they go with their cousins but not them other than "because they don't want to go on holiday with your baby brother/sister" Seems a bit shit. Can I ask, for insight, why if it wasn't your baby and you wouldn't have any responsibility for it and it wouldn't be staying in your apartment you would have a problem?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/07/2019 12:15

there are many UK based choices though so offer some of that?

itsallgoingsouth · 02/07/2019 12:17

Some lovely places to go in the UK. Have a UK hol with the PIL and go abroad as a family too. They have their own reasons for not wanting to be around a baby when abroad which may seem unfair but it's their choice.

Bungalowblues · 02/07/2019 12:17

It does change the dynamic having a small baby there. They are not being weird.

They have a right to decide how they want to holiday regardless of how many times they go a year.

You do sound competitive with your SIL, maybe that should be your focus.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 02/07/2019 12:18

Yeah, it's their holiday too, I wouldn't go if there were toddlers babies

DennisMailerWasHere · 02/07/2019 12:19

Just appreciate when you have/ will go on hol with them.

They don't owe you a holiday.

If you can, I'd try and find out WHY just for curiosity (trying to be fair on all children with a blanket policy, can't handle newborn crying, maybe there's an impact you don't know about, maybe they're worried about illnesses or insurance cover.. doesn't matter, it's their call)

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/07/2019 12:19

Could it be anything to do with the fact that one person's attention needs to be permanently on that baby/small child? You can't really relax and enjoy yourselves if one person has to be on 'small child alert'?

So much depends on the ages of your other children though. It's never particularly relaxing holidaying with children under about ten, I don't think, so maybe they just don't want to spend their money on a holiday where one person is distracted for most of the time (even if it's not always the same person).

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 12:20

@gth1234 cruel?! Average temperature in the canaries in August is 27/28. The UK was hotter than the Canaries last summer. We don't have air conditioning at home and would abroad. Probably hold the call to Childline, we'll keep baby in the shade and air-conditioned apartment. 7 months isn't a newborn either.

@Bluntness100 You can still see them other times. It's really not like you'll all be strangers if you don't holiday with them. You sound oddly competitive with your brother and sister in law.

Is it oddly competitive to want your children to enjoy the same opportunities and have the same relationship with their grandparents as their cousins, or just natural?

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/07/2019 12:20

Gth baby will be 7 months old by the time of the holiday. Do people who live in hot countries not have babies then, since it's so 'cruel'? Presumably there will be air conditioning and sun shades?
I don't believe they should dictate what you choose to do.